Chapter13
She couldn’t tell him to stop. She hadn’t realized she had wanted this for so long, until he started kissing her. She didn’t want him to stop at all. He was as hungry as she was for this. Had it been so long? She couldn’t look at another man the way she looked at David, and it seemed ages ago, and it seemed like it had only happened mere seconds, at the same time.
He was kissing her with such ferocity, that only a man in love could do so. She wanted to believe it. She had left Lānaʻi deeply disturbed by the love she had felt for him in such a short amount of time. How can someone fall in love in a month? And how can someone still be in love after not seeing him for a year?
She felt his lips slide down her neck, and she couldn’t help but moan. Their kisses grew hot and hard. One of his hands slid inside her sweater, tracing the outline of the lace on her bra, and she shuddered.
She forced herself to focus. Emilia was in the other room, asleep. Was it wrong to be in this moment? Was it wrong to want things that had been deprived of her? Was it wrong to sleep with someone she never thought she’d see again? Was it wrong to sleep with David James Pierce?
Caryn found herself sliding on the couch, and then that urge kicked in, and she quickly took off her sweater, exposing her bralette. A breeze fluttered from the open windows as he greedily tasted her mouth again. Goosebumps prickled on her skin, and she wasn’t sure if it was because of the wind, or David, or both. She unbuttoned his shirt, almost ripping it apart, that flutter inside her increasing. She wanted him in her, and by god, she knew he wanted the same.
“Wait, wait,” she suddenly said.
“What?” David said, distracted, “What’s wrong?”
“We don’t have any protection,” she said.
David groaned. “Damn it.”
He rolled off of her, and sat on the edge of the couch, breathing in deeply. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t—” he paused, “that wasn’t very nice.”
What? Wait, no… she thought at first, realizing how stupid she had been to even mention that… but she didn’t want to repeat past actions with the same guy, with consequences she knew she could barely handle alone. She felt deflated, undesirable, and most of all, stupid.
“I’m sorry,” she finally uttered. “I didn’t- I didn’t mean for it to stop.” “No,” David said, standing up, the light from the windows casting a wonderful glow on his normally pale skin. “I didn’t ask.”
“You didn’t need to. We were just unprepared,” Caryn said.
“Like how we were with Emilia?” David looked sideways, staring into her eyes. They looked surprisingly playful.
Caryn nodded, sitting straight this time, keeping a good few inches away from him. She could feel his body heat, and it made her wish they had protection. She wanted her heartbeat to normalize, she didn’t want to feel her own body heat, her own heat, frustrated. She hadn’t slept with someone in so long, and she had wanted the next person to still be David…
“It’s been too long,” David murmured. “I guess I got carried away.”
Me too, she thought, not saying anything.
“So much for responsible parenthood,” he said with a short laugh. “I’m here getting frisky with the mother of my baby.”
“What’s so wrong about that?” she asked him.
“Maybe you didn’t want it,” David said.
“Maybe I did,” she told him, grabbing her sweater, and pulling it over her head quickly. “Maybe I did, but decided on the last minute not to. This arrangement, I don’t know how good it’ll be for us. We’re the adults here, Emilia won’t know she’s living in a place as nice as this is until she’s in preschool or something.”
“But we know that,” David said, “we’re the conscious ones. I want what’s best for her, and you’re here because you want the same.”
“We can’t just let our emotions fly out a lot, can we?” Caryn told him.
“You mean we shouldn’t be two horny adults?” David corrected her, putting on his shirt.
“To put it bluntly.”
“We’re both single, we’ve had a child, and we’re not dating anyone at the moment.”
“I don’t have the time or luxury for that.”
“You think I have?” David retorted. “What are you so afraid of?”
“A lot of things, actually,” Caryn found herself admitting. “And I know you feel the same way, too. We’re just two damaged kids, pretending to be grown-ups, and having a kid of our own.”
“What makes you think we won’t work out together?” David asked her, his tone angry this time.
Did she say something wrong? It was only the truth, and they deserved a bit of it. They didn’t start off well in that island, with their secrets and demons.
She shrugged. “This. I guess it’s this,” she said, spreading her hands out in front of her. “We’re not compatible.”
He snorted. “Because we argue? Because you’re stubborn, and a lot of times, a pain in the ass?”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me. You’re too stubborn.”
“And you think you aren’t?” Caryn scoffed. “You think you’ve got the whole world figured out because you’ve got an IQ everyone else is dying to have? I’ll tell you what, you’re stupid, and you’re emotionally stupid.”
He opened his mouth, but no words came out.
“Gotcha,” Caryn said, “I’m grateful we’re here, I really am, but I don’t want to be subjected to whatever issues you want resolved. You won’t get that from me. I’m here for my baby, our baby. It’s time we both grew up, don’t you think? I feel like we’re still in that island, stuck in our little paradise of misery and deceit, and false happiness.” “I was happy,” he said, clearing his throat. “I was happy you were there. I was happy you came into my life. That was the only moment I ever felt real happiness since I left Cali.”
It was Caryn’s turn to be at a loss for words. His eyes bore the truth. His voice bore the truth. It shook just a little, and she could see he was trying to keep himself steady. She looked up to him, stepped in closer to his face.
“I never wanted you to leave. I wanted you to be with me,” he said. “You were the real paradise there.”
*
She was paradise there, he thought. He had hidden himself away from the many people, damaged and distrustful, and he hadn’t thought that it would be Caryn to be the definition of paradise.
“My favorite Christmas was that morning, with you,” he said, finding it difficult to look at her.
He saw the look on Caryn’s face, and for a moment, he thought she was going to burst into tears. Instead of that, she simply nodded, biting her lips together.
“And I’d like to add more to those favorite memories. It’s Christmas Eve tomorrow,” he said, “would it be too much if I asked you and Emilia to spend it with me? My family as well? It’s a family thing, sorry.”
“I’d almost forgotten what it was like to have a family…” she said softly, looking out at the window. “Until Emilia came along. We made each other happy, in the simplest way possible. You- you’re adding to the family we already have.”
“Do you mind?”
“I don’t,” she said. “Even if I’m supposed to, right?”
“We have a lot to work on,” he said tentatively, “but I’m willing to do what it takes to work on myself, work together, and work for Emilia…” He looked at Caryn, hoping for that positive reaction from her.
“Words are fine, actions are better, and I think you’ve done your fair share.”
“You’ve done just that, you know,” he said, shifting his footing. “Single motherhood isn’t easy.”
“You’d know because?”
“Ironically, my mother’s foundation supports teen and single mothers from prenatal care up to birthing,” he told her. “There’s also an organization I care for that helps orphans. I’m glad Emilia didn’t end up in one.”
“I couldn’t bear that. I don’t think I can live with myself if I did. I mean, have you seen how she looks? I- well, we, we made that,” she said, smiling.
David found himself grinning. “Yeah, we made Emilia, alright.”
“So, what now?”
“What do you mean? You’re already here, you have a job waiting for you, Emilia will be well cared for.” “I meant us,” she said, looking at her feet.
“Us,” he repeated, sinking back onto the couch. How was he going to say this without becoming too forward? Us. The word was hefty, as large as commitment needed it to be, wanted it to be. He had been readying himself since the day he had brought flowers over to her little cottage… now, he felt that he wasn’t. When would he ever be ready? Caryn had been a gift to him, wasn’t she? As was Emilia. “We’re making progress,” he said with half a smile. “We’re not fighting now.”
“What do you plan for us?”
“I thought you didn’t want me bossing you around,” David said.
“No, it’s just- we need direction. If you’re not in this, how can I be in this?”
“Things like this need time,” David told her, carefully choosing his words. “And I’m willing to spend as much time on this as you are. A relationship is a two-way street, after all.”
“Two-way street,” Caryn murmured. “You’re not willing to do this with me. You’re afraid. You’re fine being a parent, but not as—"
“Your partner? I’m Emilia’s father, I should have a good relationship with you,” David intoned.
“You’re making this sound business-like again,” she said, bitterly.
“I’m trying, Caryn,” he sighed. “I really am. I’m just so bad at this.”
“Stop thinking about how bad it’s going to be, or we’re never going to fix this,” she said.
“There’s nothing wrong with us. Maybe”-“
“Maybe it’s you,” she interrupted, “Maybe it’s me. Whoever is at fault, here we are again, arguing.”
David took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “I really want this to work.”
“That’s why I asked. How else was I supposed to know what’s in your head? I don’t know you well enough.”
“That month wasn’t enough. You’re right. We’re two effed up people who made a mistake, a beautiful mistake, mind you--”
She huffed. “I don’t believe this. I quit my job, I moved halfway across the country, just to hear this?”
“Don’t take this the wrong way!”
“How else am I supposed to take it?” she told him, standing up. “I have no one here, Emilia and I are alone--” “You have me,” his voice said, loud and true. He stood up, and faced her. “You have me.”
*
Christmas with his family was almost dreamy, she realized. Their home was decorated sparsely, but the air was festive, there were mimosas and a table heaped with food, apart from the fire that danced merrily in the hearth.
She hadn’t entered a home this large since… since the island, and she hadn’t entered a home this homey since… the last time she saw her father. She almost shuddered, but she carried on, with Emilia in her arms.
His family greeted her warmly, as usual, and they did their best to put her at ease, even if they didn’t have to. The DNA test results weren’t out yet, but they wanted her here, they wanted Emilia here. Did David tell his family about the two of them? What had happened? And what was about to, however vague those plans were. His promises had landed her here, in California, in a strangers’ home, strangers that wanted her to be a part of their family.
They took turns carrying Emilia around, taking photos with her, teasing her and she laughed, touching their faces, cooing and salivating, while Caryn was told to take her time with dinner. David ate beside her, and it made her feel self-conscious.
“You’d better eat greens, my mom’s watching you even if it looks like she isn’t,” he told her.
Caryn nodded, forcing a forkful of salad into her mouth. Dinner was equally healthy and filling, she realized later on. Charlotte made her drink a tiny bit of sparkling wine, just a tiny bit, she insisted, much to David’s consternation.
“Oh, come on, Dave, that wasn’t even going to get to her gullet,” Charlotte huffed.
It was an easygoing dinner, and there were no weird questions. David’s family was not only kind, but tactful as well. David excused himself for a phone call, as the rest of the family lounged on couches facing the veranda still taking their turns holding Emilia, while Caryn found herself sitting on a separate couch with his mother, Jane.
She could hear the waves below, and she was glad she wore a sweater. California winters were colder than she remembered.
“So, Caryn,” Jane began, “Tell me about yourself.”
This caught her off guard. She had thought they were going to talk about Emilia, at least. “There isn’t much to know.”
“Let’s start with your family?”
“Emilia’s my only family.”
Jane’s eyebrows rose. “No parents?”
“My mom died early. My father- well, I haven’t seen him since he remarried. My mom was an orphan. She had no family, and then she met my father, and… you know.”
“Where is your father now?”
“New York. But I never got the chance to see him, and vice versa.”
“So, you write?” Jane asked her, calmly shifting the topic.
“Yeah, well, I used to, until two days ago.”
Jane laughed. “You’ll be starting after the New Year. It might not be at par with your skills, but it’s a step for better things.”
“I really appreciate you doing this for me, you didn’t have to.”
“David was adamant about bringing you here. He wants Emilia close.”
Caryn nodded. “Of course.”
“And you as well,” Jane added.
Caryn looked up to see the playful smile on Jane’s lips.
“I take it that it was love at first sight for David when he saw you?”
Caryn shook her head. “I wouldn’t really know,” she said, not wanting to blush. She desperately hoped she wouldn’t.
“I think it was,” Jane said wistfully. “He’s been a secret, and awkward romantic. Caryn, David might seem difficult at times, but he has a good heart, in all aspects, even with that history, before we became a family.”
“He- he told me about it, a little.”
“And?”
“And I know what it’s like to be abandoned. I couldn’t do that to Emilia, David couldn’t, the moment he found out…”
“Emilia has the best parents for her, then,” Jane concluded. The doorbell rang, and everyone looked up, not expecting a visitor at past ten in the evening. “David?” Jane called. “Can you get that?”
“I’m on it. Did you invite anyone else?” David asked from across.
“No,” Jane replied. “Sorry,” she said, facing Caryn, “Had to shout a little.”
Caryn smiled. “Let me just get Emilia. I hear her getting fussy.”
The moment Caryn walked for the lounge area, was when David opened the door a few feet away from her.
“David,” someone breathed out, a female voice.
Caryn looked up to see David’s eyes wide open. The person took another step, holding onto David’s arm.
“What are you-?” David was cut off, as the woman kissed him on the lips.
Caryn gasped audibly, loud enough for David’s siblings to hear it. They looked up, and then sideways.
“Oh god,” Daphne said.
David pulled back, and then he saw Caryn looking at him. She suddenly felt deaf, and dumb. She fumbled, excusing herself, grabbing Emilia from Charlotte’s hold. She wanted to get away from here. She saw the blonde, leggy, and attractive woman take a step forward to face everyone in the house. Was this her? Was this Amanda?
Blood left her face, and she realized that Amanda had come back for David…
“Caryn,” David called out. “It’s not--” Caryn heard Amanda gasp, and she couldn’t bear to look at the woman who had suddenly come to claim David for herself. This wasn’t happening, not on this night, not when she had thought everything was coming up in roses.
“I need to get out of here,” she whispered inaudibly, embracing Emilia tightly in her arms. “Please.”
Without another word, Caryn backed away from David’s sight.
“Caryn!” David cried out to her.
She ran from the lounge area, out to the veranda, and down a flight of stairs, not knowing where else to go, but to the beach.