CHAPTER 33
SAMANTHA
I huddled on a forest floor that was cushioned with fallen leaves and debris, the sound of the fair muted by distance.
It didn’t matter that I was probably scratched up over nearly every exposed part of my body. I’d plowed through the trees, my only objective to get away from everything and everyone as I sobbed my heartache away in private.
I swiped at a tree branch in the darkness as it scratched my face. I’d been sobbing for a long time, but the painful knife in my heart was still there, and nothing I could do would make it leave.
Trying to reason, I’d started to work out the situation, but I never got further than Xander doesn’t want me. I couldn’t get past that fact and plan what I was going to do in light of this information.
I was utterly, completely, and totally destroyed, and there wasn’t a single rational thought in my head at the moment.
I’m a goddamn professional. I should be able to handle this with more grace!
Problem was, I wasn’t thinking like a therapist. I was dealing with the situation like a woman who just got dumped.
Swiping at my tears, I realized that I wasn’t even sure where exactly I’d wandered off to. From my position on the ground, surrounded by trees, I couldn’t see much except shadows.
I could probably easily follow the faint noise and the distant light to find my way back, but I didn’t want to. All I wanted to do was stay right where I was and wallow in my misery all by myself.
Eventually, I’d be able to deal with the explosion of emotions that had erupted from my body the moment I’d heard Xander’s rejection.
Unfortunately, that time was right now. I had to deal with the fact that Xander didn’t want me, and that he wanted me to leave. I didn’t have any choice.
I took the chance. I gambled. Now I have to play with the cards I’ve got.
I was overwhelmed, and consumed by grief. It was like mourning, but the person in question wasn’t dead. He was alive, but he didn’t want me in his life, and we wouldn’t be spending our future together. I guessed, in a way, that was like a death. It was the demise of a dream.
“Samantha! Samantha, answer me, dammit!”
I could hear Xander’s bellow in the distance, and it made me huddle into a smaller ball, unwilling to let him see me like I was at the moment. If he needed to be free, then I wanted him to have his freedom. God knew he’d lived in a prison of his own making for long enough.
But I couldn’t help him anymore. I couldn’t be there for him without getting crushed.
So I stayed exactly where I was, curled in a fetal position and hidden in the trees.
“Sam!”
He was getting closer, and my heart started to gallop inside my chest.
“Please. Not now,” I whispered to myself urgently.
“Samantha!”
His call was relentless, and he didn’t sound like he was going to give up anytime soon. I knew I should call back and let him know I was okay, but for once I was being totally selfish. I needed time, and I was going to take what was necessary to feel like I could face him rationally.
“I fucking love you, Samantha. Don’t do this to me. Please.”
His tormented tone reached into what was left of my tattered heart and squeezed.
He sounded agonized and worried, his voice hoarse from yelling.
I buried my face in my hands. “He can’t love me. He can’t. Not after what he said. He’s just confused, worried that I left.
“He cares. I know that. He never meant to hurt me.” My quietly spoken words rang true as I uttered them in sorrow, realizing I was putting Xander through the fear of thinking I was lost or hurt.
“Samantha!”
His bellow sounded like he was wounded, injured, and I finally couldn’t take it anymore. He was close, and chances were, he was going to see me anyway.
“I’m here,” I yelled back. “I’m fine. Please just leave me alone for a while.”
He was there in an instant, standing right outside the trees that surrounded my little cubbyhole.
“Sam? I’m not leaving you alone. I’m never fucking leaving you alone. Where are you?”
“Here,” I spoke in a defeated voice.
He plowed through the trees until he got into my safe place, which was now an area that was no longer comfortable. I’m not sure it ever really was.
Xander dropped to his knees and turned on the flashlight on his cell phone. “Jesus, baby. What happened to you?”
I turned my eyes away from the light. “I got scratched up. It’s no big deal.”
“Bullshit. You look like you’ve just finished fighting for your life.”
I didn’t speak. I couldn’t.
He lifted me like a rag doll and wrapped his arms around me. “Samantha, I don’t know what happened. Well, I know what you think you heard, but it wasn’t meant the way you’re interpreting it.”
My body tensed. “I know what I heard, Xander, and it’s okay. I took the risk when I agreed to stay. I knew I could end up heartbroken. I’ll get over it. I just really need some time alone.”
I wanted nothing more than to sink into his warm, comforting embrace. Even his masculine scent gave me a sense of security and love as he held on to me like he really didn’t want to let me go.
“No, you don’t know one goddamn thing about how I feel,” he said gruffly against my temple as he ran strong hands down my back. “I don’t want you to leave. I don’t think I can let you leave. I love you more than I ever thought possible to love a woman. You’re fucking everything to me, Samantha. I need you to marry me. I need to know you’re mine. I want a ring on your finger and maybe someday, I’d like to have a daughter that looks just like her beautiful mother. I want to spend every day until I leave this Earth with you. Please. Tell me you feel the same way. If we’re not together, I won’t do anything more than exist until I die.”
“But you said—”
“I said I didn’t want any more contracts. No more agreements. I don’t. What I want is for me to be your choice instead of leaving. Even if you’re free to go, I want you to choose me. What I want is you and me, unconditionally, for the rest of our lives. You only heard the first part of my statement. You missed the rest of it.”
The tension left my body and I started to sob uncontrollably. It was probably relief and more than a small amount of joy, but I couldn’t stop bawling as I wrapped my arms around his neck. “I was scared,” I choked out. “I was so scared that you didn’t love me like I love you.”
“Convinced now?” he asked in a husky voice beside my ear. “Because if you aren’t, I can keep going.”
“Yes,” I gasped as I buried my face in the side of his neck. “I’m convinced.”
“If you ever scare me like this again, I swear I’ll turn you over my knee until you can’t sit for days,” he grumbled. “You just took ten years off my life, Sam. Jesus! How could you ever doubt how much I love you?”
I knew the words were no more than an empty threat. Xander would never hurt me intentionally. No matter how scary he might have been in the beginning, I’d always known he wasn’t violent.
“I love you so much, Xander. You’re my life now,” I whispered fervently against his ear. “But I know that recovery can be rocky, and feelings can change. What you need or want in the beginning can become unnecessary down the road.”
“You’re my life, too. I’ve never wavered on that, Sam, and I never will,” he answered huskily. “Promise me you’ll never doubt that again.”
“I won’t,” I vowed. Now that I’d heard it out loud, I didn’t think I could ever doubt the truth. I could feel it in the gentle hands that were calming me, and in the tender notes of his voice when he said that he loved me.
We held each other for what seemed like moments, but was probably more like a half hour, whispering our love and our dreams of the future.
Until we heard more voices in the distance.
“Julian and Micah,” Xander guessed. “They probably sent out the search party. I didn’t call them to let them know I found you. I need to get you out of here.”
“I’m ready,” I told him emphatically.
The evening that I thought was going to break my heart had ended in giving me the man I loved for the rest of our lives. I was more than ready to dump my hiding place now.
He took off his T-shirt and covered my face and arms before he plowed through the trees, never giving me a chance to protest before he broke free and ended up in a clearing beyond my cubbyhole.
“Did you hurt yourself?” I asked anxiously as his flashlight went off before I could look closely at him.
“Baby, you’re mine and you love me. I don’t think a few briars and branches could even make me flinch.” His voice sounded amused and happy.
“Xander! Samantha!”
I could hear Julian’s voice getting closer.
“Put your shirt back on,” I insisted. “And put me down.”
He put me down, but only long enough to put his T-shirt over my head. “Put your arms through,” he insisted.
“No. You won’t have any protection.”
“Do it,” he rasped. “You tore your dress open. And we’ll be leaving here a lot more carefully than we both came in.”
I slipped my arms into his shirt unhappily, but I couldn’t deny that I loved the scent of Xander that clung to it.
“I found her,” he yelled for his brothers.
To me, he ordered, “Walk behind me so I can move branches.” He turned on his flashlight and started prowling his way carefully through the woods.
Julian and Micah eventually caught up to us, relieved that Xander and I were okay.
All three men bulldozed easily through the trees, and we were back on the edges of the fairground quickly.
Xander thanked his brothers, and they were ready to leave us when I called, “Wait!”
Micah and Julian turned around, looking at me expectantly. I could see the troubled looks on both of their faces, and I wanted to make things clear to them right now. Neither one of them deserved another single moment of concern.
I looked at Julian. “I once told you I couldn’t make any promises, that I was only here to keep house for Xander and try to be a companion.”
Julian nodded, but didn’t speak.
I continued. “I can make you and Micah a completely different pact now. I promise that Xander will always be loved. I can promise that I’ll never leave him until I take my last breath. I can promise that the two of us are going to take care of each other for the rest of our lives. I love him, and Xander loves me. We have each other now, and we always will.”
Xander hugged me to his side, and Julian and Micah grinned. “Thank fuck!” Micah exploded. “Welcome to our crazy-ass family, Sam.”
I sprang forward and hugged Xander’s brothers, feeling the warmth in my heart for both of the men as I acknowledged how much they’d both agonized over their younger brother. Now they were really and truly free. All of them were.
“Our house for dinner next Friday,” Julian insisted with a shit-eating grin on his face. “Bring cake.”
Micah lifted a brow. “Cake? I didn’t know she made cake.”
“You were busy with Tessa,” Julian reminded Micah.
“Yeah. But hell, Tessa and I like cake, too.”
“Then get your ass over to our place on Friday this time,” Julian grumbled.
Micah smiled. “We wouldn’t miss it.”
The two men winked at me and strolled off still arguing about Maine wild-blueberry cake as I turned to Xander and threw myself in his arms. “You’re scratched up,” I said remorsefully.
“Baby, you haven’t seen your own reflection,” he rumbled as he caught me up and lifted me into his body. “Let’s go home. I want to clean up your scratches.”
He swung me around as I squealed, my heart overflowing with a joy I’d never experienced.
Probably because I’d never loved like this before. Not even close.
He put me down, but I’m not entirely sure my feet ever touched the ground as we skirted the fairgrounds to the car so we could go home.