CHAPTER 32
XANDER
There was no fucking way I was going to make some other kind of contract or agreement with Samantha. Not unless it was a fucking marriage license that would land us together for the rest of our goddamn lives.
I wanted Sam to stay because she wanted me. I wanted to be her choice, not her obligation.
I looked at Julian, furious that he’d even suggest that I ask her to stay even if I had to pay her. My cousins were spread out backstage, and Micah and Julian were the only two next to me.
He shrugged. “It was just a thought. I know how much she’s done for you, and I know how much you want her to hang around. She seems to like it here.”
My gaze turned toward a black curtain where Tessa and Kristin came in to join their husbands. Since I couldn’t hear what the women were discussing, I continued, “I love her, Julian. I love her like you love your wife. Do you think I’m going to be happy to keep her around as a high-paid companion? Do you think she’s even going to agree to something like that?”
Micah chimed in, “He was thinking out loud, Xander. It was an impulsive suggestion. I guess we both want you to stay together with Sam.”
“I want to be with her. I want to marry her beautiful ass and put a big fucking diamond on her finger that I can see from a mile away just so I know that she’s mine. I want her here because she wants to stay. I want her to never leave because she feels the same damn way.” I finished with my chest heaving with emotion. “I love her. I just want her to be mine. No contracts. No payment. No agreements. No reservations.”
Julian grinned. “So you two are getting married?” He looked overjoyed by the idea.
“We haven’t talked about it,” I admitted. “She agreed to stay until Labor Day was over and I was able to perform again. Now, I don’t know what in the hell will happen. We made an agreement not to talk about anything heavy until after this performance. She wanted to just take things slow.”
“Ask her,” Micah said gruffly. “I think every one of us sees the way you look at each other. It’s pretty obvious she loves you, too.”
“She cares about me,” I told him, sometimes finding it hard to believe that Sam truly wanted me. “But I’m not sure she’s feeling the same forever kind of love I do. We’ve been there for each other over the summer. Granted, I had a hell of a lot more problems, but Samantha was here to heal herself, too. There was part of her that felt guilty over Mom and Dad’s death because the asshole was her patient.”
Micah and Julian nodded.
I continued, “I’m not sure that equates to the same love for me that I have for Sam. I feel like it’s fucking tearing me apart.”
“Is she worth spilling your guts and risking everything for?” Micah asked.
I nodded. “Hell, yeah. Samantha is worth any kind of risk.”
“I won’t say I’m not worried,” Julian said flatly. “I don’t want you to fall off the deep end if it doesn’t work out. But I know how you feel, and sometimes taking a chance so that you can really live is better than just . . . existing.”
I watched as my middle brother pulled his wife close to his side and wrapped his arm tightly around her waist.
I knew he was afraid that I’d end up going back to alcohol or doping, but that was never going to happen. I realized that I’d been a coward, and I was manning up as much as possible for the mistakes I’d made. “I’m sorry for what I put all of you through,” I said hoarsely. I needed to say it out loud, and I needed both of my brothers to hear me.
Micah clapped me on the shoulder. “All that matters is that you’re here with us now,” he answered in a husky voice. “Do what you need to, Xander. We’ll be here no matter what happens.”
I nodded. “I have to find Samantha.”
“She’s gone,” Tessa said gently.
I turned my head to look at her. “What do you mean, she’s gone?”
“Xander, Samantha is in love with you. I wanted to hear you out, but she’s just as afraid as you are right now. Baring her soul isn’t easy. I think you know that,” Kristin said softly.
“She left?” I asked, both anxious and pissed off that she’d just run away. That was more my style than hers. “We promised we wouldn’t run away anymore. That we’d face things together.”
“She was hurt. Sam didn’t stick around to hear what else you had to say once she overheard you tell Julian that you didn’t want her anymore, and that you wanted her to be free to leave.”
“I didn’t say that,” I answered angrily. “Well, I kind of did, but not in a bad way.”
“I know. But I’m afraid it’s the only part she heard. To be honest, I thought the same thing she did before I heard the rest of your explanation. It didn’t sound good to a woman who was thinking with her emotions. She reacted with her heart. I don’t think she could listen to anything else. Obviously, she thought you were rejecting her altogether.”
“Fuck!” I cursed, thinking back to my words. “She knows I care about her.”
“You know she cares about you, too. You admitted that. Does it help?”
I thought about Kristin’s words for a brief moment. “No. It doesn’t. Where in the hell is she? We need to settle this once and for all.”
“I’m not sure. I saw her headed toward the wooded area off to the north of the fairgrounds. It’s dark. I lost sight of her.”
“She’s off in the woods by herself!” I nearly lost my shit at that moment.
The wooded area was a long stretch, and it was dark as hell there.
“She couldn’t have gone far,” Micah observed. “There’s some light from the festivities, and some moonlight, but the woods get pretty dense.”
I flew through the curtain and down the makeshift steps. “I’ll call you when I find her,” I shouted to my brothers.
There was no question of “if.” I was going to find Samantha, and I wasn’t letting her go until she knew exactly how I felt about her.
Maybe I’d always have my hang-ups from what had happened in the past, but all I wanted now was to move into my future with her.
I was done feeling sorry for myself. Hell, Sam had been through more than I had, and if anybody had a right to a little bit of neurotic behavior, it was her.
But she was strong, stable, and she’d been my light in the darkness when I needed it.
Thing was . . . I didn’t need that anymore.
I just needed . . . her.
I wanted to be the guy who was there for her when she needed me. I wanted to be strong when she was feeling overwhelmed. I wanted to show her the world she’d never seen before.
But I fucking have to find her first!
I sprinted past the crowds, ignoring anybody who shouted my name. I didn’t care about my music right now. I didn’t care about some goddamn performance.
My eyes were looking for just one thing: a beautiful woman in a pink sundress who would forever have my heart.