Wednesday morning I plan to dress for the academy and see Blitz, but my mother has other ideas.
She comes into my room far earlier than usual. “Your father has signed you up for an all-day study class for the SAT,” she says. “I’m going to go with you. Andy is staying with the Wallers.” Mindy’s family.
I want to refuse to do it, to say no. I want to see Blitz. He’s only going to be at the academy another week.
But after yesterday, surely he won’t leave. Surely he wants to learn me too.
“Hop in the shower,” Mom says. “We leave in half an hour.”
I was up half the night texting Blitz, so I’m definitely off schedule. As soon as she leaves the room, I race to the desk drawer where I’ve hidden the phone. In order to charge it, I’ve kept the drawer out a little, placed the phone behind it, and plugged it in directly behind the back panel, so nothing can be seen.
There are several messages this morning. He’s heading up to see the Tappin’ Grandmas soon. Hannah has made the video team work all night on the video and there should be a rough cut to view this afternoon. He hopes I can come up and see it with him.
No no no no. I won’t be able to do any of that!
I let him know about the class and that my mom is staying with me all day. I want to weep, pretend I’m sick, jump out the window. No no no no!
I have zero interest in showering, dressing, or eating breakfast. I’m doing my best to keep a poker face as Mom drives us to Mindy’s house to drop off Andy, but I can barely hold it together.
Mindy comes out to the car while Mom walks Andy in, and it’s everything I can do not to tell her everything right there and risk getting overheard. I do show her the phone and when her eyes get big, I just say, “Blitz.”
This is enough to make her jump up and down. I give her the number and now she can text me too. Little by little, I’m back in the world.
I ask Blitz to let me know how he’s doing throughout the day. I’ll do whatever I have to do, pretend to have a weak bladder and take a bathroom break every hour, whatever. I can’t think about anything else and going to an SAT class is going to be pointless.
Even so, once I’m in the room with other people, Mom taking up a corner to make sure I don’t jump anyone’s bones, I guess, the studiousness of the others infects me. I’m out in the world. I’m moving forward. Maybe I can apply for other schools anyway. I don’t need my parents’ permission for that.
As we work on critical-reading passages, I find I’m able to shove the rest of my life out of my mind and really dig into how to dissect the sentences to answer the multiple-choice questions. To my surprise, I’m actually doing better at this than anybody else in the class.
Of course, maybe that’s why they are here, because they aren’t doing well.
For lunch, Mom takes me to a small cafe in the same strip mall as the class. A few of the other students also go, and two girls strike up a conversation with me in line. I think I might get to sit with real people my age, but unfortunately, before we can order, a boy joins them at their table.
Mom steers us to the other side of the room.
I have to get out of here.
In the bathroom, I dig the phone out of the bottom of my bag and scroll through Blitz’s messages.
Back at home. Mom is making enchiladas. Probably won’t fit in my costumes even if I do get the show back.
Hope your prep class isn’t too boring. Don’t think about my hand up your skirt while you’re solving equations.
Hannah says the sample video will be ready to view mid-afternoon. Wish you were in it. I don’t even have a picture of you. We’ll have to fix that.
I hug the phone to my chest. I just want to read the messages over and over, but I know Mom is waiting. So I quickly tap out a reply.
Love your messages. Thank you. Prep okay. I’m doing better than I thought. If I bomb, it will be your fault!
P.S. Wearing a shorter skirt today.
I power the phone all the way off and stick it back in the bottom of my bag. I’m going to sneak out tonight, I’ve decided. And if we get the chance, if it feels right, I’m going to move forward with Blitz. I want to. I want him. It’s been so long.
I’ll be careful this time. I will guard myself. No risk taking.
The main thing I’m putting on the line this time is my heart.