REN

* * * * * *

2013

 

 

“DELLA…”

Her head snapped up from where she’d been snoozing, sitting up against a tree stump. Her eyes blinked away drowsiness, slipping from joy at seeing me to guarded with trepidation.

She should be nervous.

Now that I knew she was in one piece and not molested or dead, my panic transformed into the hottest rage I’d ever felt. The catalyst of fury replaced my insides, making my nostrils flare with hot breath and temper fire with cruel words. “Della.”

Before, her name had been a prayer of thanks. Now it was a curse of condemnation.

She scrambled to her feet, her head bowed, contrition all over her. “Before you say anything…I’m sorry.” Glancing at me between strands of curling blonde, she breathed, “I’m sorry for doing something I shouldn’t. I’m sorry for running away. I’m sorry I made you worry.” She licked her lips, shrugging. “I’m…just very sorry, for everything.”

Her apology tried to douse my anger, but I didn’t let it.

Stalking the distance between us, I crunched over twigs and foliage, coming to a trembling stop in front of her. She was no longer as short as I remembered. No longer as young. She stood subservient and entirely ready to be scolded, but her eyes burned with the same sort of fire that hissed inside me.

A fire that did its best to confuse and convince me that she didn’t deserve to be told off when it was the only thing she did deserve. She needed goddamn boundaries, and she seemed deaf to them unless I shouted.

My hands curled, doing my best to keep control. “Are you hurt?”

I’d wanted to yell, but somehow, my fear made me check she was capable of withstanding the violence I itched to give her first. My palms burned to strike. To imprint some sort of punishment for everything she’d done.

Hoisting the backpack—my backpack—up her shoulders, she shook her head. She’d dressed in jeans and a thick knitted jumper with her winter jacket tucked through the straps of the rucksack. “No.”

Despite studying her appearance and finding no blood or broken bones to say she was lying, I took another step closer.

Her eyes flared then dropped to the ground again, giving me permission to nurse my terrible temper. “Where the hell were you?”

“At a friend’s.” Her voice was small. “I knew they weren’t there, and I needed somewhere on my own…just for a little while.”

“Didn’t you think I needed somewhere, too? To figure out what the fuck you were playing at?”

She flinched.

I’d never used such foul language toward her until the moment she kissed me.

She fucking kissed me!

I couldn’t control my rage’s spit and snarl or the pain she’d caused. “You could’ve been hurt, Della. You could’ve been kidnapped or raped or killed. Did you stop to think about that, at least? Because I know you didn’t stop to think before you fucking kissed me.”

She bit her lip, shaking her head.

Weak from hunger and strung out from everything strange and wrong, I growled. “How could you, huh? What the hell possessed you to do something so sick?” Not waiting for answers, I paced away, snapping incoherent things. “You’re so goddamn young. You’re still a kid. And I’m…I’m ten years older. If that wasn’t enough, we’re family, Della. Do you know what that means? It means you love each other, but you don’t fall in love with each other. You’ve taken everything that was so right between us and destroyed it because how can I trust you to understand the difference? How can I ever touch you again? How can I ever relax around you again?”

I slammed to a stop, breathing hard, facing her with spread helpless hands. “How can we ever go back to the way things were?” Pressure built behind my eyes as I stared at the girl I loved more than life itself. The girl who’d cracked my heart. The girl who would forever have the power to break me just like she’d broken me two nights ago and every hour in-between. “Do you even know the difference between platonic love and romantic? Is it my fault that I never explained the two? Have I failed you, Della?”

I was starving for food and affection.

I was thirsty for water and someone to assure me that it would all be okay. That I could have my Ribbon back. That I wouldn’t have to worry if I touched her hand or brushed a kiss on her temple. That I wouldn’t ruin her by making her believe that I wanted her the way a man wants a woman when I would never do that.

She was mine.

She was every hope and dream I’d ever had and the fabrication of every future I’d hoped for, and if I had to say goodbye to that…

Fuck.

I cleared the squeezing misery away and coughed into the night. “I…I miss you so fucking much, yet you’re standing right there.”

She sucked in a pained gasp, tears welling and overflowing in a second. Wriggling out of the backpack, she sprinted toward me before it even hit the ground.

With a rush of force, she ran into me, wrapping her arms around my waist, pressing her cheek against my chest. “Ren.”

Two things happened.

One, no thought was required.

This was Della.

I’d hugged her a thousand—no, a million times before, and my body recognised hers as if it was a part of me—a part I’d lost but now had found, and it hurt almost as much welcoming it back as it was to lose it.

My body rejoiced at having her home in my embrace, and I clutched her so damn hard. I curled around her, inhaling her hair and smelling foreign shampoo. I pressed my lips to her head, but then the memories returned.

The dream figments.

The real yearnings.

The forbidden responses she’d drawn from me.

Shoving her back, I held up my hand, keeping distance between us. “You’ve even managed to ruin a hug.”

She choked on a sob, hugging herself with fierce sadness. “I know.”

You’ve made this impossible for me, Little Ribbon.”

“I know that, too.”

Silence slithered between us, letting her tears fall and regret ice over my temper, until we both stood drained and empty with no place else to go.

Finally, I sighed. “I knew keeping you would be full of complications. I lived an almost daily battle when you were young not to hurt you and an even bigger war as you grew older. I’ve leaned on you so much. I’ve taken all you’ve had to give. And I’ve given you the illusion that what we share is normal. That our closeness is what others have when it’s not.” I looked at her, wanting to burn her with the truth. “I’ve never had anyone. I had no love until you taught me what it was, and even as I slowly learned the opposite of hate, I’ve known all along that love would end up hurting me the most.” I laughed sadly. “I was right.”

Her spine rolled, letting my words whip her.

I breathed hard, completely drained and ready to leave this place, to leave behind these harsh truths and put everything back into the dark where it belonged. “Come on,” I whispered, “I’ll take you home.”

Her eyes flicked to mine with blue surprise beneath black remorse. “How can we go back? I thought Cassie called the police.”

I shoved my hands into my back pockets, adjusting the wad of cash stored in my waistband. “I spoke to them. They didn’t call anyone. You’ll stay with them.”

“But…what about you?”

“I can’t go back. Not anymore.”

“No!” Her cheeks dotted with urgency. “I’m not going back without you.”

“You have no choice.”

“I do. I do have a choice!”

Her anger ignited mine all over again. “Like you had a choice when you kissed me?”

Her lips twisted, and her beautiful face warred with letting me remind her of her mistakes and fighting for forgiveness. “I said I was sorry.”

“It’s not fucking good enough. You should never have been so stupid!”

“I’ll never do it again.”

“Also not good enough. How can I ever trust you?”

“You can. You can trust me.”

I shook my head sadly. “I thought I could. And I did. I trusted you with my life.”

“And I trust you with mine.” She wrung her fingers, twisting and tugging. Her blue eyes darkened as some sort of resolution shoved aside her despair. “I know things will be strained between us for a while. I get that. And I also get that I’m a danger to you—that I did something outside of your control. I also get how wrong it was, and that to outsiders, it will never be permitted.”

“Not just to outsiders,” I snapped. “I will never permit such things. Ever. Do you hear me?”

“Yes.”

“Say you understand why it will never happen again.”

“Because we’re family.”

My heart pounded at the word. For a second, I wished she wasn’t family. I wished we’d never met, so this lacerating torture would never find me. But then, the thought of living in a world where I didn’t have Della…

Fuck.

I’d rather be dead.

But that was my future now. I had to leave her behind. I had to walk away. She had somewhere to go home to, and I did not. Our lives were about to go in separate directions. I would miss her with every tormented heartbeat, but I would rather stay away if I was the reason for her confusion.

“Family don’t hurt each other,” I managed to say even though I almost choked on the lie. My own family had traded me for dollars. Perhaps that was why I’d failed Della? I had no decent role models of my own.

Della tucked unruly hair behind her ear as she stood straighter. “Can I say something?”

I narrowed my eyes warily.

When I didn’t give permission, she ploughed on anyway, “I kissed you—”

“Stop.” I cringed, falling back a step.

Before I could interrupt her with another scathing telling off, she added, “I shouldn’t have done it, Ren. I know that. I’ve learned that lesson, and believe me, I know it will never happen again. And, if I could do it all over again, obviously, I would never have done it…but I did do it. It happened. I can’t undo it. I can’t change it. And…well, I’m glad I did it.”

My mouth hung open in disgusted shock. “What did you say?”

“I said I’m glad I kissed you.” Her tears dried up, and every readable emotion on her face vanished beneath a cool veneer.

I fumbled with the change in her, hating the wall between us, cursing the sudden opaqueness I couldn’t see behind. “What the hell has gotten into you? First, you do something you know is wrong and then you take back any apology—”

“I didn’t say I’m not still sorry,” she grumbled. “I said I’m glad it happened.”

I spread my hands in surrender. “Please enlighten me because you’ve successfully confused the shit out of me.”

Once again, she flinched at my cursing, but the blank shield on her face stopped me from reading anything else.

Standing tall and kissed by moonlight, she said, “I don’t regret it because it gave me all the lessons you just mentioned.”

“I-I still don’t understand.”

She sighed as if it cost her to explain. “You asked me if I knew the difference between platonic love and romantic. I thought I did. I’ve spoken to Cassie about her boyfriends. I know how sex works and what desire is. But learning theory is different to actual experiences.”

She sucked in a breath, looking to the side as if to smooth out her tale with a script hidden from view. “In class, my teachers always encouraged us to learn with first-hand knowledge. They don’t just let us read the textbook. They make us do stuff. Just like you do. You explained how to drive the tractor but until you let me change the gears and operate the thing, I didn’t know what you meant.”

Her argument was too well thought out. Too rehearsed. Too understandable. I hated that my hackles faded under a logical explanation.

“Love isn’t the same as driving a tractor, Della.”

“But don’t you see?” She stepped closer. “It’s exactly like that.”

I schooled myself not to move, not to run as her body heat touched mine.

She looked up into my eyes. “I wanted to know the difference. And now, I do. I know you are my friend and my family. That kiss proved it. I felt nothing but warm love like I always do for you. There was nothing special from that kiss to any other we’ve shared over the years. I’ve kissed you on the lips before. Just like you’ve kissed me. Those weren’t big deals, and this shouldn’t be either.”

Her voice sped up as if her carefully thought-out debate had reached the end, but she wasn’t quite finished with convincing me. “I know the difference, Ren. And I know things are gonna be strange, but they’ll go back to the way things were because nothing has changed. I promise. I’m still Della, and you’re still Ren. I’m growing up now, and soon, you won’t have to worry so much about me. I won’t do anything bad, and I’ll be on my best behaviour. You’ll see. Just please…please…don’t send me back to Cherry River if you’re not coming. I know I made you mad, but I don’t want to live with Cassie and Liam on my own. I want…I want to come with you. Please. Please say you’ll forgive me, and we’ll stay together.”

Her chin tipped down as a glimpse of tangled things on her face hinted that her deliverance cost her. That there were other things. Deeper things. Scarier things inside her that she’d hidden.

The fact that she was old enough to be complex and have the ability to shield and reveal rather than blurt everything made wariness fill my blood.

What was she hiding?

What wasn’t she saying?

I didn’t trust her.

Not anymore.

Even if every part of me agreed with her that we’d been close in the past and affectionate in our actions, and those hadn’t filled me with terror. Even if every inch howled at the thought of walking away when I truly didn’t want that.

I wanted to stay with her.

I never wanted to say goodbye.

“This is too hard.” I scrubbed my face with my hands. My stomach growled for the hundredth time, reminding me that making life-changing decisions with no food normally always led to bad ones.

Della stayed silent as if knowing I was in the middle of a seesaw. A lean in either direction, and the choice would crash to the ground.

The forest stayed silent and hushed. No creatures moved. No leaves rustled. We were utterly alone—away from judgment and history and the Wilsons who knew far too much about us.

This mistake was between Della and me, and, hopefully, with her promise never to do it again and my vow to make sure it never did, we could eventually find our way back to normal.

We could find another place to call home.

“What about school?” I asked quietly.

Just that one question showed her where my mind was. That I’d already come to terms with leaving. That I’d already agreed to take her with me.

She barrelled into me again, squeezing me tight. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” Her breath heated my t-shirt and chest.

I patted her shoulders awkwardly, prying her off me to look into her face.

The innocent girl was back.

The veiled mask was gone.

If she had any secrets, they’d sank far inside her, and I stood no chance at figuring them out now.

“Are you sure you want to leave behind your friends? Cassie? Liam?”

She nodded. “If you can’t go back, then yes.”

“And school? What about that?”

“I’ll go to another one.” She smiled. “I had to change anyway. I’m in high school now. This was my last term.”

“Oh.”

“But—I don’t have to go back,” she rushed. “I can get a job, too. I can pay my way—”

“Don’t even think such things. You’re finishing school, Della. University too if that’s what you want.”

She smiled with familiar love and devotion. “Okay.”

“Okay.” I smiled back, still not appeased and still tormented, but at least, for now, I didn’t have to tear us apart.

That would come later.

“Come on.” I strode toward the backpack forgotten on the ground. “I’m starving.”