REN

* * * * * *

2018

 

 

IT WASN’T HARD to find her.

Whatever Facebook group she joined, I joined too.

Whatever event she tagged as interested in attending, I clicked the button too.

Thanks to social media, I knew more about Della’s schedule than she thought, and tonight was no different.

I killed my bike outside the house.

Music still filtered from cracked windows with a few shadows of people dancing in the living room. I wanted to stab out my heart that this was the place where Della had come for comfort instead of confiding in me.

I’d failed her so fucking much.

When she’d answered on the third call, I’d been relieved but furious. I’d wanted to tear into her to delete some of the panic in my blood, but that was before I heard her voice. Before the hollow defeat replaced her normally beautiful tone, hinting that tonight…something had happened.

I’d wanted to yell at her for leaving me. I’d wanted to demand her excuses why I’d come home to an empty apartment after meeting a girl I’d met online for the second time.

I’d come home early.

I should never have gone.

It was a mistake.

Every meeting was a mistake.

I’d had a drink with her and let her down gently, my only thought of returning to Della and laughing with her at something stupid on TV or debating the pros and cons about a new camping device.

Each woman I hooked up with was just buying me time, even though I felt it running out. I told myself things between me and Della would go back to the way things were if I got my rampant desire under control. That it wasn’t her I dreamed about but some nasty side effect of not having sex for so long.

I’d done my best to believe my lies. I’d honestly wished they were true as I smiled at faceless women and touched unwanted places.

It didn’t matter that my lust was being controlled, it didn’t stop my dreams becoming more graphic or my days become more difficult the deeper I fell into Della.

I could fuck every female I could find but in the end…no one could cure me but her.

And now, I’d hurt her so much she’d snapped just like I had.

She’d willingly chosen self-harm because it was the only way to leach out some of the pain.

So yes, I wanted to be livid with her. I wanted to strike her, grab her, kiss her with every red-tinted rage, but hearing such desolation from the girl I loved, I couldn’t do it.

All I cared about was her safety, her happiness.

All I needed was to get her home.

I clutched at my hair, digging fingernails into my scalp, doing my best to get myself under control. I didn’t want to think about what she’d told me. I didn’t want to visualise what she’d done. And I daren’t focus on how crippled I was knowing she was no longer a virgin.

“Yo, man, party’s over.” A tipsy boy waved my way, his arm slung over some brunette as they made their way down the garden path. For a house party, the place was well tended with manicured bushes and lush grass.

I didn’t know why that bothered me. Why this place was ten times nicer than the apartment Della and I shared or that whoever had accepted her invitation to sleep with her might come from much better stock than me.

He might have money, manners, and mansions.

And what did I have?

Fucking nothing because Della had deliberately torn out my heart and ensured nothing would ever be right again.

Swinging my leg over the bike, I ignored the leaving couple and marched up to the front door. Pushing it open, I entered the cream foyer and narrowed my eyes at the reek of booze and weed.

Only a few lights were on, scattered like islands in the darkness as I made my way through the living room to the kitchen to the den.

No signs of a blonde girl in a black dress.

With sick despair, I followed more rooms, past making out students and giggling girls until I stumbled upon the one thing I couldn’t live without.

Curled up in another man’s arms, her cheeks pink as he murmured something in her ear.

His hand on her thigh. His lips on her throat.

It was more than I could fucking bear.

Della ran a fingertip along the rim of a champagne glass looking every inch an adult. There was nothing girlish about her with her sex-tussled hair, tight dress, and jaded look in her stunning blue eyes.

I stumbled at the sight as the man grabbed a blanket from the back of the couch and draped it over her lap, stroking her softly. She smiled in thanks, tucking it behind her, hiding the long expanse of beautiful legs, sneaking away the ribbon tattoo complete with its R.

I thought I couldn’t stand seeing him touch her before. But it was nothing compared to the shredding, slashing sorrow now.

“Della,” I breathed, marching as steadily as I could toward them.

She froze. Her eyes round and shooting to mine. “Ren…what—what are you doing here?”

My hands curled as the man looked me up and down, studying me, judging me, waging war with just one glance.

Tearing my eyes from my enemy, I said, “I came to take you home.”

She sipped her half-full champagne. “I’m not ready to go home yet.”

Anger sneaked over my pain, granting me safe haven from my misery. I latched onto it, desperate to feel anything but the grief I had no right to feel. “Don’t argue with me.”

“Don’t command me then.”

“I’m not commanding you.”

“Yes, you are.” Her eyes narrowed. “I’m a big girl, Ren. Run along back to Rachel989.”

I stiffened. “What?”

“You heard me.” She slugged back the rest of the drink in one mouthful.

“I can take her home. Don’t worry about her,” the man dared to say.

I didn’t look at him, keeping my eyes fixed on Della as I tried and failed not to see the change in her. The new knowledge in her gaze. I’d hoped…

Fuck, I’d hoped it was a lie.

That she’d said something so hurtful on the phone just to punish me, but now, I knew.

She was telling the truth, and she’d fucked the guy currently holding her close like I wanted to do.

And shit…that fucking hurt.

“Della. Now.” I growled, quickly losing my temper. I’d never beaten someone up before, but if I didn’t get her out of his grip soon, I would.

Shoving off the blanket, Della swooped upright. Fire blazed in her eyes as she stalked in bare feet and stabbed me hard in the chest with her finger. “You don’t get to boss me around any longer. I’m almost eighteen, Ren. You don’t get to baby me anymore.”

Grabbing her wrist, I jerked her through the space and toward the front door. “You and I need to talk.”

“Hey!” She struggled. “Let me go.” Her fingernails scratched my skin, but I didn’t release her.

The front door beckoned, night sky and streets to get lost in before we had a conversation that would probably end us forever.

“Oi!” A hand landed squarely between my shoulder blades, shoving me forward.

Stumbling, I instinctually let go of Della so I didn’t make her trip with me then spun to face who’d dared touch me.

The man.

“David, don’t!” Della called, tripping to get between us.

But it was too late.

All the pain and regret manifested in my fists, and I swung without thinking.

David ducked, his blond head narrowly missing being hit.

He rammed his shoulder into my chest, sending us both slamming to the ground.

“Stop! Both of you!” Della screamed.

We didn’t listen.

I kneed him in the ribs, sending him rolling to the side. He shot to his feet, trying to punch me again.

I punched him first.

I wanted to kill him.

My broken wrist, long healed from being cow-kicked, twinged as I swung hard and true and connected with his jaw.

He reeled backward, right into Della.

Oh, fuck no.

I charged forward, intending to throw him off her, but she pushed David to the side and leaped in front of me.

Slamming on the brakes, I managed to avoid bowling her over. “Move, Della.”

She crossed her arms. “No.”

David stood behind her, his eyes glittering with malice and triumph. He knew he’d won because he’d had what I couldn’t. He’d taken the most precious thing in the world to me, and fucking gloated about it.

I couldn’t help it.

I couldn’t walk away from this without making him bleed. He’d fucking destroyed me; it was the least I could do.

I swung again, aiming over Della’s shoulder at the bastard’s face. Only, she shied the wrong way. David bumped her, sending my fist half into his jaw and half into Della’s temple.

“Fuck!” Catching her as she fell, I choked on worse pain I could’ve imagined. I’d come here wanting to hurt someone, and I’d ended up hurting her.

She moaned, cupping her head with a wince.

David tried to grab her, but I snarled in his face. “Touch her and I’ll kill you.” I wasn’t joking. I didn’t need any other reason to murder him. I wanted to kill him. Needed to.

He heard the raw truth in my tone.

He froze, allowing me to hoist her into my arms like a groom would carry a bride and stumble through the house to the front door.

Della mumbled something under her breath, her fingers tangled in blonde curls as she rubbed where I’d hit her.

“I’ll make it better. I promise,” I groaned as I carried her down the steps and across the garden to my bike.

Standing on the threshold, David didn’t follow us as I gently placed her on the back of the bike, mounted, revved, and sought her arm to latch it tight around my waist.

She still had strength even if I’d dazed her, and the feeling of her hugging me even if she didn’t want to sent my heart smoking with sadness.

“This is my place, Della Ribbon,” David called over the rumble of the engine. “Come by anytime.”

I fed gasoline to the rumble, turning it into a snarl, ripping from the curb and away from all manner of agonies.

The entire time I drove, all I could focus on was David calling Della by my nickname.

She’d allowed a stranger to share something so intimate.

She’d allowed a stranger to take her innocence, and all that was left between us were past mistakes and future heartbreaks.

* * * * *

Home.

A word that was supposed to mean contentment, safety, and love.

Now, it meant nothing as Della leapt off the back of my bike the moment we arrived and cleared the stairs to our apartment before I’d even turned off the engine.

I sighed heavily, killing the rumble and locking up.

Coming home to an empty place before had been a nightmare, but heading inside with a pissed off female who had every right to be angry was even worse.

My boots thumped on the steps as I went to her, stalking over the threshold before closing and bolting the door.

I found her sitting on the couch with a bag of frozen peas held against her temple.

Shit.

Raking hands through my hair, I lingered by the coffee table, not knowing how to fix this. “Della, I’m…I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry?” Her eyes flashed as her head snapped up. “Sorry for ruining my night, sorry for punching my date, or sorry for hitting me?” She threw the peas at my face. “What exactly are you apologising for, Ren?” She laughed coldly. “Maybe you’re apologising for sleeping with half of the female population over the past year? Maybe you’re apologising for walking out night after night and leaving me here alone, wondering where the hell you are and who the hell you’re doing.” She crossed her arms tightly as if warding herself against me. “What do you want to apologise for because I’m confused.”

“I didn’t sleep with them. Well…” I rubbed the back of my neck. “Not all of them.”

“Oh, excuse me for thinking you’d turned into a man whore.” She flung up her hands. “Really, you’re just a regular male, aren’t you? Sleeping around, looking for someone to make you happy.”

“You. You make me happy.”

“Ha! Yet you’ve never tried to sleep with me.”

“What?! No, of course not. You’re Della! You’re—you’re—”

“I’m what? Too innocent for you, Ren? Too young? Do you look at me and still see a child because you better open your damn eyes. I haven’t been one in a long time.” She smiled thinly. “And now I’ve joined the ranks of adulthood. I’m not a virgin—”

“I don’t want to hear it.” I held up my hand. “Stop.”

“Oh, you don’t want to listen? You don’t want to know how he took me or what it felt like? Then again, I’m sure you don’t need to know. I almost forgot. You have enough experience of your own to fill in the blanks.”

“Della, just stop.”

“No, how about you stop, Ren. You know what I realised tonight?” Her cheeks flamed red as her eyes welled with furious tears. “I realised I hate myself. I hate what I’ve become. I hate everything I stand for, and I’m done. You hear me? I’m done. School is almost finished and instead of moping about wishing for things I can’t have, I’m focusing on my future. Did you know David goes to the college who hosted the party tonight? I told him I’m interested in creative writing…that I might want to be a storyteller like you used to be or maybe a journalist or writer or I dunno…. All I know is, I’m moving on. No more thoughts of running back to the forest with you. No more make believe. This is real life, and I’m letting it pass me by. I’m going to enrol next week, so I know where I belong.”

Her shoulders slouched with weariness I hadn’t seen until now. “I’m weak for giving up, but I tried. I really did.”

I stepped toward her, hesitant, wary. “Tried what? What aren’t you telling me?”

Her fatigue faded with yet more crackling rage. “Are you really that blind? Do you honestly not know? Or maybe it’s because of me. Maybe because you raised me, you can’t see past the mess of being sole guardian to an entirely reliant child. And maybe that’s my fault for not realising that sooner; for believing that the love we share wasn’t just one-dimensional but could grow into something different.”

She glowered at the ceiling, tears trailing paths down her cheeks. “God, I’ve been so stupid.”

Every inch of me begged to go to her, to hug her close and do my best to shield her from her unhappiness, but I couldn’t move. I daren’t do anything because right here, right now, the end gaped wide between us, and I didn’t want to fall into the abyss.

I didn’t want to be faced with the reality that had been slowly gathering ever since Cherry River.

“Della…don’t,” I begged. “Don’t do this.”

I didn’t understand what I pleaded for, only that I wasn’t ready. I’d never be ready.

She cocked her chin, shaking with blonde hair wild and a red mark I’d graced her with on her temple. Her ribbon tattoo flashed on her naked foot, snaking up her ankle.

She was gorgeous, and she was wrong that I’d been blind.

I’d seen her changing. I’d watched her transform from sweet girl to stunning woman, but I was responsible for her well-being. I was the one who had all the power whether she acknowledged it or not. And having that sort of power was a terrible burden to bear.

I would always be hers, but I couldn’t be what she was looking for. I couldn’t block her from growing into who she needed to become. I couldn’t put my own hopes and dreams onto her and read between lines that weren’t really there, hoping that there might be some way, some chance, that our friendship could be something more.

Something that wasn’t sick and twisted.

Something that wasn’t morally wrong.

“Let’s go to bed. It’s been a long night. We can finish this in the morning.” I wanted a truce, a peace treaty until daylight chased away this corruption.

But Della pinned me to the floor with an angry sniff and a flash in her blue eyes. “No. I’m done waiting.” Grabbing the hem of her dress, she yanked it over her head.

I stumbled back as she tossed the scrap of material to the floor and stood naked before me.

My heart hissed with possession. My body hardened with need. And my eyes feasted on curves and shadows of the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen.

I was utterly spellbound and trapped. If she moved toward me, I wouldn’t have been able to run. If she kissed me, I would’ve have been able to stop what I desperately wanted to do.

The end would’ve come in a totally different form.

And who knows where that path would’ve led us.

But she didn’t chase.

She didn’t try.

Instead, she held her head high as if proving to herself that standing naked before me wasn’t as poignant as she’d believed. That it wasn’t anything special when it was the most special thing in the world.

My heart cramped with so many things as she planted her hands on her hips, pinned me to the floor with a merciless glare, and said coldly, “Take a good look, Ren Wild. See for yourself what you’ve been trying to deny. I’m not a girl anymore. I haven’t been for a long time, and now…it’s too late.”

I couldn’t breathe as she added, “You know…for so long I was terrified that I’d strip in front of you and you’d scold me like a little girl. That I’d bare everything I’ve become and you wouldn’t see. But the way you’re looking at me…you do see. You see but it’s not enough. It will never be enough.”

Stepping with willow legs and fairy grace, she closed the distance between us and whispered, “I lied you to, Ren. I’ve been lying for years, but this time, this time I’m speaking the truth when I say, I don’t need you anymore. I don’t want you. I can survive without you no matter what life throws my way. Isn’t that what you wanted to hear? To know I’m self-sufficient? That I won’t make your existence any harder than I already have?” Cupping my cheeks, she breathed, “Cherry River was a mistake but not in the way I led you to believe.”

I trembled beneath her hold.

I was so fucking close to snapping.

Her fingers so soft and sinning on my face.

“I made you believe that I kissed you as an experiment and maybe I did, but that wasn’t the real reason.” Her tormented gaze drifted to my mouth. “I kissed you because I wanted to. I deliberately waited until you were asleep to have you—the boy I loved above everyone—give me my first kiss.” She laughed under her breath, tortured and hollow. “Up until tonight, I’d stupidly hoped you’d be the first of so many things. That can never happen now.”

I swallowed back a wash of grief, once again slammed with the knowledge she’d slept with someone else. Someone had been inside her. Someone had loved her who wasn’t me.

I wanted to punish her for that.

I wanted to touch her, kiss her, press her against the fucking wall and screw the consequences, but then I was crushed beneath mental pictures of her naked, back arched, and lips kissed as that bastard traitor from the party thrust inside her.

I stumbled backward, burning beneath hot jealousy. I gulped back every need and looked at her sternly. “Go to bed, Della.”

“Oh, don’t worry, Ren. I’m going. But not before I prove to myself I’m stronger than I thought.” Her touch reached for me again, softening to a caress as her thumb traced my bottom lip and she stood on her tiptoes, bringing her mouth to mine.

I froze as she kissed me.

Innocent.

Sweet.

It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done not to kiss her back.

Not to ruin that innocence.

Every muscle turned rigid at the invasion, the seduction. My eyes begged to close. My lips pleaded to part and give in.

I was seconds away from throwing it all away and taking what I wanted, but then she was gone, dropping her touch and smiling with every nightmare in the world. “Goodbye, Ren Wild. Goodbye to fallen dreams and impossible fantasies.”

When she turned her back on me, I couldn’t tear my eyes off her perfect ass as she walked bravely across the lounge to the corridor.

Every part of me wanted to follow, still spellbound and broken.

Just before she disappeared into the darkness, she looked back.

Her eyes locked on mine.

Her lips parted.

Her breath caught.

And we stood trapped in a physical embrace even while apart.

My willpower cracked enough to put one foot in front of the other as I begged to have her.

Then she shattered it by smiling soft and sweet like she’d done since she was a girl and dropped her eyes. “I’m sorry, Ren…for everything. But things will be better now. I promise. I’m done making life difficult…for both of us.”

She left without a backward glance, leaving me in the rubble of our lives, stupidly believing anything could be better now everything had been destroyed.

She didn’t come back even though I stood there, silently screaming her name over and over for her to find me.

This couldn’t be it.

This couldn’t end.

We couldn’t end.

But…we had.

We’d been honest for the first time in years and it had successfully proven what a dangerous game we’d been playing. We’d been willingly hurting each other. Twisting all that was good between us until there was nothing left.

My chest ached. My body throbbed.

I stood there for far longer than I should have.

Long after she’d headed to her bedroom.

Long after I heard the springs of her bed bounce and the click of her light signal she’d cocooned herself in the dark.

Only when my legs threatened to collapse did I trip across the lounge and grab her dress discarded on the floor.

I hugged it as I fell heavily on the couch.

I rocked with it as my mind flickered with images of her fucking another while flashes of her as a child made me sick.

I couldn’t untangle the two. I couldn’t accept the Della I loved with all my soul was now an adult. And not just any adult, but a woman who’d torn out my heart.

I switched from filthy obsessions to a racing track of warning.

Dawn wasn’t far away.

A new day where even sunshine couldn’t fix what was broken.

Della didn’t need me anymore, but somehow, I needed her more than ever. I needed her more than I could stand. More than I could ever let her know.

She’d been honest with me tonight, and it was time I was honest in return.

We were both miserable. Both searching for answers when we only gave each other questions. Both looking for permission to circumstances no one could understand.

I had no excuse for my behaviour. I was haunted by a dream-kisser. In love with a figment of my imagination that disgustingly believed Della was my fantasy.

When really…she could never be.

Della was mine, and I was hers.

I was her protector. She was my best friend.

I’d seen her grow from baby to child to woman, and no matter how I felt about her, I would never be allowed to have her in any other way but family.

I would burn in hell before I did.

I should be able to happily stand by as she found a lover, a husband, and be proud that I gave her such a life.

So why did the thought of her finding such gifts make me want to tear out the remainder of my heart and deny her everything? Why did I want to trap her in this one-bedroom apartment for the rest of our lives, never letting her see others, never letting her be happy unless she was happy with me?

That wasn’t right.

That wasn’t healthy.

I would end up smothering her, and I loved her far too much to destroy her.

I couldn’t have her, and I couldn’t watch her walk away.

So there was only one thing I could do.

She was right.

She didn’t need me anymore.

I’d done my part; I’d given her everything I had to give and now, I had to give her her freedom.

Once the idea manifested, I was grateful for the guidance. I didn’t second-guess as I pushed aside the couch and pulled out the cash I’d saved under the floorboards. I moved quietly as I checked the contents of the forever-packed backpack and lashed the new tent Della had bought me to its bulk.

I wanted my removal from her life to take years. For something to say we were so entwined, so tied together that there was no possible way for me to walk away. But I didn’t come across any knot or rope that couldn’t be undone with the simple choice to leave.

Within thirty horrible minutes, I had everything I needed.

I stared at the corridor where she rested and took two steps toward her before I grabbed control again and nodded with determination.

This was what had to happen.

I’d hurt her.

I continued to hurt her just like she continued to hurt me, and we both shouldn’t have to live in agony any longer.

Placing the cash on the coffee table, I looked around the apartment one last time. Grabbing a spare pen and a Post-it always housed next to the TV remote, I wrote the hardest letter of my life.

Della Ribbon,

I love you so much it hurts—

My hand paused.

My brain full of everything I wished I could tell her.

There was so much to say. So many confessions to share.

But in the end, I couldn’t write any of them.

Goodbye, Della.

I put the pen down next to a years’ worth of rent, picked up my backpack, and walked out the door.