DELLA

* * * * * *

Present Day

 

 

THAT WAS THE beginning of the end.

If I could, I’d rewind time and never get that ridiculous tattoo. I couldn’t explain what came over me as the artist bent over my foot and dug his needles into my virgin skin. Ren had paced the front of the shop, studying blown-up pieces on the wall, flicking through books with tattoo designs.

I’d thought I would be happy with the simple design, but the longer the tattooist dragged his needles, the more it felt like only half of the puzzle. The ribbon had been a part of my life since the day I could remember…just like Ren.

It wouldn’t be right to draw myself without him there to weave into the tale, too.

With Ren’s back to us, I’d whispered to the tattooist to flow the ribbon into a capital R. He’d given me a strange look, glanced at Ren who’d signed the paperwork with his matching last name to mine, and shrugged as if it wasn’t his business.

He’d finished the piece quickly, and my heart swelled as the formation of the first letter of the word I loved most in the world came into being on my foot.

Only, I hadn’t thought ahead.

I didn’t guess how rattled Ren would be or understand how much he was cracking beneath the constant mixed messages I sent him.

He was right to doubt me.

I promised myself I kept my secrets about loving him hidden. I lay in bed congratulating myself on being able to lie to his face and laugh about something silly when all I wanted to do was climb into his lap and pull his lips to mine.

But…I wasn’t as good an actress as I believed.

I couldn’t have been because if I had, Ren would never have suspected any other meaning than sweet connection thanks to the freshly finished tattoo.

It was my fault he demanded to know what I meant.

It was my fault I couldn’t answer him truthfully.

It was my fault he went out that night.

And it was my fault he stayed out until dawn and when he came back, lipstick stained his t-shirt and his hair was mused from another’s fingers.

I didn’t know if he’d slept with someone, but he’d definitely made out, and it ripped me apart.

I’d been hiding for years and I’d finally reached my limit.

I stayed away from him the next day and the day after that.

I made sure to wear socks long enough to cover my new artwork and even wondered if there would be a way to laser it off so I could pretend I’d never been so stupid.

For a week, our conversations consisted of stiff hellos, goodbyes, and how were your days, but it all came to a head on a Friday evening when his phone chirped on the coffee table.

He was in the shower after a long shift at the milk farm.

Normally, a Friday meant pizza or takeaway and a chilled evening in front of the TV, recharging after a long week.

Not this Friday.

This Friday, I picked up his phone and brought up the notification.

Ren Wild, the boy from the forest and avoider of company, had joined a hook-up site.

He’d been matched with three women in the area and had obviously messaged one because her reply was a simple: I’m interested for no strings. I don’t want commitment, either. I’ll meet you at Paddington’s at ten p.m. Bring a condom.

* * * * *

Can you understand why I did what I did next?

Can you put aside your judgment just for a little while and give me some slack for being a bratty, stupid teenager who didn’t grow up fast enough? Who chased away the one person she’d ever loved? Who ruined everything when it had all been so good?

If you can’t, then I don’t want you reading anymore—not that you will as I’m burning this in a few short days, anyway.

But if you can, then keep torturing yourself because it only gets messy from here.

Super messy.

End of the world, Ren leaving me, kind of messy.

Let’s see…first there was Tom.

Then there was Larry.

After that…some boy I didn’t get his name but tasted like blueberries from the lollipop he’d been sucking on.

The nights that Ren left and didn’t come back till late, hopping in the shower almost the second he walked in the door, and unable to meet my eyes the next morning, were the nights I stopped wishing.

I stopped hoping that one day…Ren and me…well, I stopped being so young.

I finally accepted what he was telling me. There would never be a Ren and me, and it was time I stopped killing myself over it.

The best way to do that was to find a replacement.

I only kissed the boys.

Or at least, I did at the start. By the time Blueberry came around, I was itching for more, if only to erase the blistering emptiness inside me.

I let him touch me.

I let him kiss my breasts and press his fingers inside me.

And I felt nothing.

I think that destroyed me the most.

Here I was doing my best to move on, but my body was just as broken as my mind. The things Tina told me should happen like the tensing and the quickening and the sparkling orgasms never happened.

All I felt was the probing of unskilled fingers and the swirl of tentative tongue.

Some nights, when Ren stayed out super late, I’d feel so rotten, so sick, so twisted, that the next evening—regardless if it was a school night or not—I’d find a party somewhere and crash. I’d dance like a slut and encourage like a whore, and when a boy finally kissed me, I’d want to vomit with tearful disgust.

For almost a year, we co-existed in shame.

Him doing whatever it was he was doing, and me doing my best to move on.

I didn’t want to be this doormat. I didn’t want to be this weak. When I hooked up with a guy, I pinned all my hopes and dreams on him and truly listened to what he had to say. I laughed at his jokes, even if they weren’t funny. I answered his questions, even if they were hard, and I truly did my best to make a connection so I could find some self-worth after so many years of self-hate.

But it never worked.

No matter how much I tried to release myself from Ren, returning to him every night, living with him, loving him…it tied me up into knots I could never be free from.

I often thought about leaving.

Of running away so I could stop being so weak.

But every time I thought about waking up without him, of living in a world without him, I couldn’t do it. I’d unpack the bag I’d hastily stuffed in the darkness and accept that this was my punishment for every sin I’d committed.

The one saving grace was Ren never saw a woman twice.

Believe me, I knew.

I became a master of reading his phone when he was in the shower, skimming over past messages and investigating new ones.

For some reason, even knowing he was running to these women to fuck, I still felt better than them because he returned to me afterward. They might borrow his body, but I ruled his heart, and he was still mine.

Until…one day, that assurance and kingdom that I’d always treasured was threatened to be invaded by infidels.

A second date.

A woman who went by the name Rachel989.

Her message carved out my heart with an ice-cream scooper: I had fun last night. I know we agreed it was a one-time thing, but there’s something about you. I’d love to see you again.

I would’ve deleted it and hoped Ren never saw it.

If it wasn’t for his reply: Okay. Tonight. Same place.

I’d rushed to the sink and thrown up.

Dramatic right?

Yep, I said so to my body. I schooled it for the long minutes that Ren was in the bathroom, and I plastered on a fake smile when he came out dressed in a black button-down and faded jeans that hugged him like a second skin. His sable hair was tussled from rough towel-drying. His lips pouty and almost sad. His eyes dark with unshared things.

He was drop-dead gorgeous, and he didn’t even know it.

Of course, this Rachel989 would want a second date. She would want him for a third and a fourth and marriage, too. And I’d finally been slapped in the face with my reality.

Ren was twenty-seven, almost twenty-eight. He was at the age when people settled down and started families of their own. He would eventually replace me with his own sons and daughters…and wife.

And as he kissed my cheek and asked what I had planned for the evening, I marvelled at how steady my voice was. How I could fib so effortlessly when every piece of me was breaking. How I could stand there with my bones shattered and organs splattered on the kitchen floor.

That was my true performance because he never knew how much I sobbed the moment he closed the door, promising to be home soon.

I sobbed so much I couldn’t breathe, and my tears were no longer tears,  but great heaving, ugly convulsions where hugging myself didn’t work, where lying to myself didn’t work, where promises that it would get better definitely didn’t work.

I’m sure you can probably guess what I did next?

If you can’t, then you’ve never been in love with someone who was off making a future with someone else.

Wiping away my grief, I crawled to my phone and went on the Facebook group listing campus parties in my area. There was one that a student at the local university that I’d considered applying at for their creative writing course was hosting.

It was late.

The party was probably winding down by now, but I stripped and climbed into the shower. I shaved every part of me. I styled and painted and slipped into the little black dress I’d worn on the night of my seventeenth birthday.

Unlike that night, when I wore new red lingerie that I hoped peeked out beneath the black straps, tormenting Ren at dinner, this time, I wore nothing.

I wasn’t playing games anymore.

I was done, and this was war.

I caught an Uber to the party as my killer heels would break my ribbon embroidered foot before I could arrive, and I sashayed my way into the tipsy crowd, looking for a particular kind of prey.

A boy of pretty origins, slightly drunk, single, and up for fun.

And when I found him, I pulled him to the side and told him the truth. I hid my cracked voice behind a sultry beg and said, “I’m in love with someone else who doesn’t want me. I’m a virgin who doesn’t want to be innocent anymore. I want to forget…about all of it.”

I’d pulled away, expecting him to run but needing him to understand that I wasn’t going to be an easy lay. I would be skittish and jumpy and most likely cry at some point, but I’d chosen him and all I expected him to do was relieve me of the one thing that I’d started to hate.

I didn’t want to be a virgin anymore because Ren most definitely wasn’t.

He’d waited until he was nineteen but on the cusp of my eighteenth, he’d well and truly ensured I had a fair number to sleep with before I caught up to him.

Any idiotic concepts I’d had of saving myself for him—of him waking up one day and climbing into my bed with words like how stupid he’d been and how much he loved me and wanted me and needed me and then he’d kiss me and touch me and fill me and…

I sighed, blinking with my freshly painted eyelashes and waited for this pretty stranger to save me.

To make his life easier, I opened my beaded bag and pulled out a condom.

The first condom from the box of twelve that Ren had bought for me. Inside my bag, all I had was some cash, my phone, and two more condoms. Because who knew if once would be enough to ease the agony in my soul?

“What’s your name?” the pretty stranger asked.

I paused, wanting to use a fake one to protect me from any future pain but determined to ruin myself as much as I could, to prove I was brave enough to survive anything. “Ribbon. Della Ribbon.”

He rubbed the back of his neck, disrupting his dark blonde hair, blinking with baby blue eyes, looking the exact opposite of Ren.

I was glad.

I wanted to look into this stranger’s face when he was inside me and have no doubt that he wasn’t Ren.

“And his name?” he murmured as he stepped closer, cupping my chin and studying me. “The guy who’s just thrown you away?”

My eyes burned, but I kept the sobs away. “Wild. Ren Wild.”

It was the first time no one believed we were related. Two different last names. Two different futures.

“Well, Della Ribbon,” the stranger said. “He just made the biggest mistake of his life.” Drawing me close with his fingers on my chin, he kissed me sweetly.

I suppose I should stop there.

I should fade to black and let your imagination fill in the blanks, but I’m feeling extra martyr-ish today, so I’m going to tell you what happened.

It was nice, really. Exactly what I’d asked for.

First, I kissed him back.

I willed my mind to blank and gave everything had into his control. The kiss was innocent to start with, warm lips and soft touches, but then he took my hand and guided me through the stragglers still lolling on couches and drinking against walls and led me upstairs.

My legs shook and the draft from not wearing underwear reminded me exactly what I was about to do.

Part of me screamed not to do this, that I wasn’t ready, while the other stabbed her pitchfork into the dirt of my soul and screeched that it was.

I was ready to be an adult.

I’d been ready for so, so long.

“Don’t you want to know my name?” the pretty stranger asked as he guided me into a room with a queen bed, white bedding, and a mountain of pillows.

It was a girl’s bedroom.

I didn’t know whose house this was or where this room’s owner was, but I didn’t care as the stranger spun me around and pressed me against the wall.

“Do you?” he asked again, his eyes blazing blue, his lips wet and waiting.

“Is it wrong if I say no?” I dropped my gaze, expecting him to leave. I didn’t know why I didn’t want to know his name. After all, I needed something to remember him by. He would forever be part of my life—taking my virginity would tie him to me regardless if I wanted it to or not.

But he smiled softly, nodding as if he understood. “Are you going to pretend I’m him?” He kissed me gently, waiting for me to reply.

Against his lips, I murmured, “I don’t want to, but I can’t promise anything.”

How lucky was I? How incredibly lucky to be honest and not have to pretend to be brave and sexy. I didn’t have to hide my shakes. I didn’t have to fake my fear.

He kissed me again, and I opened my mouth, licking him. When he pulled away for a breath, I moaned, “I don’t want to think about him. That’s the point.”

“Well, think about me then. Think about where I touch you…” His fingers trailed down my face to my breast, cupping me with a pressure that wasn’t enough. “Think about where I kiss you…” He pressed his mouth to my neck, sending coils of desire through my belly. “Think about where I’m going to fill you…” His fingers drifted down my thigh and hooked under the hem of my dress. With locked eyes, he shoved aside the material and skated his touch, up and up.

I bit my lip, breathing fast as he touched me between the legs and found I wore no underwear.

A firework of surprise showed in his blue gaze as his fingers feathered over my newly shaved mound. “You truly came here to do this…didn’t you?”

I nodded as he pressed a finger inside me.

The condom in my hand fluttered to the floor as his mouth found mine again and kissed me deep.

I sighed, clutching at his shoulders and letting my bag drop to where the condom landed.

The stranger could kiss.

His fingers felt better than other boys who’d touched me.

And it didn’t take long for my body to shed its sadness and welcome any other feeling but heartache.

I spread my legs, pressing my spine against the wall and hooking my fingers into his belt.

He groaned as I cupped his erection, tracing the hardness, learning that his length and girth were impressive and would most likely hurt me.

I shivered harder, a mix of terror and lust making me jumpy. My mind was nothing but fog—a mist where no thought could find me apart from touch.

Kiss.

Finger.

Sex.

No Ren.

No breaking hearts.

No Rachel989s.

My hand worked harder on his belt as he made me wet. His one finger morphed to two, stretching me in all the right ways.  My head turned heavy, my eyes hazy as I struggled to free him.

Ducking to his knees, the stranger hooked my leg over his shoulder and kissed me in a place no one else had before.

His tongue ran over my smooth seam, flicking on the clit I’d been told did wonderful things but still had yet to learn them.

My knees almost buckled as lightning bolts appeared from nowhere. I latched my fingers into his hair, a flash of Ren filling my head with his sable copper locks.

I bashed my head into the wall behind me, wanting him out, needing him gone so I could enjoy this.

This wasn’t because of him.

This was because of me.

And he was once again ruining it.

“Della Ribbon…” the stranger moaned as his tongue entered me, and I collapsed into his arms. Pressing me against the carpet, he climbed on top of me, his hips thrusting between mine, his metal zipper cold against my heated wetness.

I squirmed beneath him, needing more, instinct making me reach for him and unbuckle his belt.

His hands fumbled for the condom on the floor as I successfully unbuckled his belt then unzipped his jeans. The minute I shoved them down his legs, followed quickly by his boxers, I gasped at the size.

I didn’t want to get hurt, but ouch, I couldn’t imagine how he’d fit inside me.

“It’s okay,” the stranger murmured as he arched his hips and rolled the condom on. Once sheathed, he cupped my cheek again. “I’ll do my best not to hurt you.”

I nodded. I didn’t know what for, but I was grateful. Out of all the horny teenagers I could’ve chosen, this boy wasn’t like them. He took his time. He kissed me sweet. He smoothed my trembles and wiped a rogue tear away as his kisses swept me away from Ren and delivered me to Ren at the same time.

“Do you want me to stop?” he whispered as my legs tried to clamp around his hips, feeling the strangeness of hard man against the soft yielding of me.

I paused, biting my lip, staring at the ceiling with a chest full of icicles and dread.

Did I want him to stop?

Not really.

Did I want him to hurry?

Yes.

Pulling his head back down to mine, I kissed him with heat and demand. “I want you to finish this.”

His eyebrows knitted together as if I’d hurt him, but his lips sought mine again as his hand wrapped around my hipbone. “I should do this in a bed for your first time.” His other hand disappeared between us, guiding the tip of him to my entrance.

I stiffened as the first press of him warned that this wasn’t a joke.

This was happening.

“I don’t care.”

I was about to lose every shred of innocence I had left to a boy I didn’t know his name.

“Wait.” I pushed at his shoulders.

He gritted his teeth but didn’t try to enter me. “You changed your mind?”

Resting my hands on his ass, I pulled him into me, making his eyes widen and mouth pop wide. As he sank into me, I shook my head. “No. But I want to know your name.”

He groaned as his length slid inside me, then hit an obstruction that pinched and burned.

He looked at me, looked through me, looked right into the person I was and said, “My name is David.”

David.

Della and David.

It had a nice ring to it.

We poised on the point of no return, his elbows jamming into the floor beside my ears, holding himself above me. “Do you want me to finish, Della Ribbon?”

My heart gave one massive kick of denial before I nodded. “Yes…”

And the rest is history.

He thrust inside, tore apart my virginity, and tried to be as gentle as he could. All the while, tears leaked from my eyes, and I kissed him with a ferocity that ended up with us rolling around on the floor as I fought him for power.

I wanted him to pin me down and take everything I had to give. Instead, he let me manipulate him. He allowed me to roll him onto his back and ride him on top, not caring that my insides hurt or the pleasure in my blood was mixed up, screwed up, and so far away from heaven that it sent me plummeting to hell where I surely deserved to live.

It lasted longer than I thought it would.

His thrusting sent ripples through me, his harsh breathing and tattered groans made me feel powerful and wanted, but when his pace increased and his fingers tightened and his kisses deepened, I didn’t leap into the void with him.

He came.

I didn’t.

He kissed me.

I kissed him back.

And then my cell phone rang, putting a full stop on one of the strangest paragraphs of my life.

Funny how Ren knew the exact moment to call. Almost as if he had some sixth sense telling him what I’d just done.

I ignored it.

Most of the time, I got home before Ren even noticed I was missing.

But not that night.

Unfortunately, or fortunately—depending on how you look at it—he caught me on the worst one, ringing me again, just as I was wiping a Kleenex between my legs and marvelling at the smear of blood.

Once again, I let it ring as I exited the bathroom attached to the bedroom where I’d lost my virginity and padded barefoot to David.

He pulled me into his arms, kissing my temple and hugging me close. “I’m sorry I wasn’t who you wanted.”

I kissed his chest before letting him go to put his t-shirt on. “You were the best person for me to lose it with. I’m glad it was you.”

He smiled. “Well, I’m honoured.” Buckling his jeans, he stood awkwardly by the door as I rearranged my dress. “Do you want to…eh, stay in touch?”

My heart fluttered at the way he looked at me. At the fascinated puppy dog crush that no doubt made him feel all protective and smitten with a girl who begged for sex in such a sad, pathetic way.

I smiled, picking my beaded bag off the floor and stuffing the two unused condoms inside. “It’s fine. I knew what I was doing. You don’t have to worry about me.”

My phone danced around again, chirping its annoying little chirp.

“Are you going to get that?” he asked.

“Why? It only hurts.”

He held open the door for me to exit the room. “Want me to talk to him?”

I laughed. “That would be interesting.”

The chirping grew louder, and I sighed. “He’ll be concerned about me.”

“In that case, you better answer it.” Tucking a curl behind my ear, he murmured, “Come find me after. We’ll have a drink. Get to know each other a little.”

The fact that he liked me enough to want to hang out even though he’d already gotten me into bed made me warmer than I’d been in a while. “Sure.”

With a handsome smile, David left me alone as I sucked in a steadying breath and smoothed down my dress one last time.

I pressed accept on the call. “Hello?”

My voice was empty and flat like it was most of the time these days, and I didn’t have time to fix on the Della false brightness and strength that Ren was used to hearing from me.

“Della?” His tormented tone slipped into my ear making tears stab my eyes. “Where are you?”

“I’m safe, don’t worry.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

I let silence gather between us as I stared at floral wallpaper in some stranger’s house.

“Della?” His voice dropped to a whisper. “Tell me where you are. What happened?”

Now, there were two scenarios I could’ve done and knowing the outcome of the one I chose, I should’ve gone for the other one.

I should’ve told him I was fine, and that I’d be home soon. I should’ve kept my secrets just a little longer, hidden my heartbreak for just a little more, but with my insides bruised from another man and that same man actually wanting to spend time with me, I was done playing this part.

I was through pretending and wanted to ensure the canyon that’d formed between us could never be repaired.

And I had the perfect way to do it.

“Della, answer me,” Ren commanded.

So I answered him.

I told him things I should’ve taken to my grave because who wants to hear about another being so vindictive and lost they’d practically do anything for a sliver of happiness.

“I’m at a house party a few blocks from home. I Ubered here in my little black dress with no underwear, and I selected a boy from the dwindling crowd.”

His harsh inhale sounded like thunder in my ear.

“Do you want me to continue?” I breathed, rubbing at the fiery ruin of my heart.

“Yes,” he strangled. “Finish. Tell me.”

“This boy kissed me and took me upstairs, and I told him I was a virgin who was tired of being a child. I asked him to relieve me of it.” Tears cascaded down my cheeks as I confessed, knowing full well I broke his heart as well as mine. “And…he did.”

Ren hung up.