CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
ALEC
I lean back against the rock, looking aimlessly out to sea.
Numb. That’s how I feel.
Is this what heartbreak feels like?
I want to kick myself. I want to kick myself over and over for not telling her before, for letting her find out the way she did.
And a part of me wants to kick myself for telling her I knew at all.
The look in her eyes... I saw her heart crumble. I saw the last few weeks....
Disappear. Like they never happened.
I kick the sand. Stupid stupid stupid!
Leaning my head back, I gaze up at the passing clouds. Kick the rock. And again. Like the pain from it could outweigh the pain in my heart, the pain of losing Lexy.
“Stupid!” I yell, turning to punch the rock.
A graze. A few drops of blood. A flinch.
Nothing... Nothing compares to it. I punch it again.
“Alec! What the fuck are you doing?!” Jen yells.
I flatten my hands against the rock and lean forwards, dropping my head.
“If you’re here to kick my ass, then don’t fuckin’ bother. I’m a prick. I know.”
“I’m not here to kick your ass.’’ She puts a hand on my arm. “I’m here to make sure you’re okay, and seeing you punching the rock doesn’t exactly reassure me you are. I mean, c’mon, Alec, what the hell did the poor rock do to you?”
I look up at her. Beyond her jokes is concern.
“Why aren’t you with Lexy?”
“Her family is there. She’ll call when she needs me. You’re my friend, Alec, and as much as I take the piss I do care.”
I exhale and shut my eyes, shaking my head. “Then no. No, I’m not okay. If I’m honest, I’m waiting for Bing to come down here and kick my ass.”
Jen leans against the rock next to me and folds her arms across her chest. “Bing ain’t coming.”
“It’s nothing less than I deserve for breaking her heart, Jen.”
“It’s not at all. She’s hurting, Alec. She’s had a rough day. Bing gets why you didn’t tell her, really, he does. He ain’t mad at you, boy. He didn’t tell her either.”
“I broke her fuckin’ heart, Jen!” I yell and smack the rock again. “You’ve seen her. She’s in pieces and that’s my fault! I should be holdin’ her right now, making it better and instead I made it worse.”
I look up at her and by the softening of her expression I know it’s written all over my face. The agony I feel is clear for her to see.
“It’s my fuckin’ fault, Jen, mine. My. Fucking. Fault! You know me. You know I never wanted to hurt her. I...’’ I screw my eyes shut tightly. ‘‘I’d rather die than hurt her.’’
“Yeah I know you. I know you well enough to know you need to stop or I’ll kick some sense into your balls!” She stands up straight, fire in her eyes. “You think it’s your fault? She’s hurting, Alec, big time. Vi didn’t want you to tell her and you respected her wishes. That’s all there is to it. When things have calmed down, Lexy will see that too.”
I turn my head away back out to sea.
“Alec,” she says softly. “She loves you. She really loves you, she’s just - angry. She feels betrayed. Give her time.”
“Time for what?” I turn to her. “So she can realise I’m the prick I promised her I wasn’t? That’s what’s gonna happen.”
“You don’t know that-”
“Yeah, Jen. I do. And I don’t blame her for a second.”
“Alec-”
“Leave me alone, Jen. Please.” I lean back against the rock again. Jen nods softly and walks back across the sand.
“Alec.’’ She turns and I raise my eyebrows. “She does love you. I promise.”
I nod once, sharply, and look away from her.
Lexy. My Princess. The little city girl who’s done what no other ever has.
Made me fall in love.
~
ALEXIS
Numbly, I watch the water flow from the tap into the bath. I stop the tap. Start it again. Stop it. For the sixth time.
I step out of my clothes and turn the heat of the shower up high, putting the pressure up too. A day of tears has gradually numbed me. I can’t feel anything anymore.
Blankly, I move into the shower and shut the door. The water beats down on me red hot but I can’t feel it. It’s just a pressure that drowns me in rivulets of water. I tilt my head back and silent tears mix with the shower.
Water drips down my body in a silent caress until I can’t take anymore.
Every pound on my back, every tickling stream down my leg, every gentle drop on my arm reminds me of the feel of Alec’s skin against mine. The flick of his tongue, the stroke of his fingers as they link through mine, the warmth of his body against me as he held me close and promised he’d always be there.
Lies... Just one after another. He didn’t tell me. He’s not here. Everything he promised me he’s broken.
‘I wish I could have told you.’
His words spin round, and round, and round. I lean against the shower door, feelings conflicting inside me like a battle to the death, each one more desperate and clawing than the last. I want to run into his arms and let him hold me, take away the memories of seeing Gram so broken. I want him to make it better, promise me she’ll be okay.
But Alec and promises don’t go together. I know that. I always knew it, because deep down he’s too much like Bing, and Bing couldn’t keep a promise to a girl to save his life.
But I still trusted him. I still fell in love with him, and now I’m in too deep to get out.
I slide down the shower door to the tiled floor. I curl up and sit in the corner, silently. No water running. No crying. No whispered pleas to myself.
Just me, and the sound of a broken heart that’s still beating.
~
The moon shines through the kitchen window as I pad my way down the stairs. I’ve avoided my family since they got back from the hospital and I kicked Bing out of my room. I sigh. Maybe I was a little hard on him. Maybe... The jury is still out on that one.
I pull the chocolate milk from the fridge and stand by the sliding glass doors, looking out at the garden and drinking from the carton. I smile ever so slightly at what Gram would say. She’d tell me to ‘get a bloody glass and drink it normally!’ then proceed to drink it from the carton herself.
I giggle slightly and rest my forehead against the cold glass. My breath blows across it, frosting it up. I trace the pattern of my tattoo on it, the heart, the lines through the centre and the dots on the side. Unconditional love.
Forever. Always. Infinity.
The kind of love I have for Grammy. I trace the symbol another three times, basking in the silence of the cottage. I look outside. Stars... the moon... the stars.
Alec.
No. I close my eyes. No.
‘‘You’re up late... Early.’’ Mum says softly behind me.
‘‘I couldn’t sleep,’’ I reply, turning round slowly.
She nods and smiles sadly. ‘‘Me either. I rang the hospital.’’
‘‘How is she?’’ I look up into her eyes.
‘‘No change.’’ She traces a pattern absently on the kitchen counter. ‘‘No change is better than a bad change, I guess.’’
‘‘Yeah. Mum, I’m sorry for earlier-’’
‘‘Don’t be.’’ She meets my eyes. ‘‘Don’t ever be sorry for hurting, baby girl. Don’t ever be afraid to cry. Tears are the soothing balm for the soul, the mother’s magic kiss on a grazed knee. You have twice the pain because your heart is broken too. And Lexy, baby, I am sorry we didn’t tell you, I really am.’’ She steps towards me and strokes my face gently. ‘‘She wanted to tell you herself when she was ready. I should have made her tell you because now...’’
‘‘He made the decision not to tell me. Not you, not Gram. He could have tried harder,’’ I say sadly, feeling my heart break all over again. ‘‘He told me he loves me, do you know that? He begged me to believe him, to let him take the pain away. But Mum... He lied, didn’t he? Because you don’t keep stuff like that from the person you love, do you? You don’t keep secrets.’’
‘‘What would you have done, if you were him?’’ She raises an eyebrow. ‘‘Would you have told you, or would you have kept that smile on your face? You’re right. You don’t keep secrets from the person you love, but you don’t hurt them either. The person you love becomes the centre of your universe and you’d do anything to protect them. He wasn’t lying to you, baby girl, he was protecting you from the pain he knew you’d feel when you found out.’’
‘I didn’t tell you because there isn’t a single part of me that could bear to see the pain in your eyes that’s there now.’
I nod once at Mum and turn my attention back to the garden.
‘‘Remember the look in his eyes whenever he saw you, the way he would look at you,’’ Mum pushes softly and backs from the room. ‘‘If you think he really did lie to you, then maybe, you didn’t really know him that well at all.’’
And then... Silence, again.
Do I know Alec? Yes. I do.
Do I believe he’d hurt me deliberately? I... I... No, not really.
But sometimes, no matter how much you believe something, it doesn’t change what’s already happened. He has hurt me, and for me, that’s the bottom line. The end of a simple boy meets girl love story.
Not quite Romeo and Juliet, but close enough.