JEN
My heart stopped beating for the whole two minutes he spoke, and I’m pretty sure it isn’t starting again anytime soon.
For the first time, I really, truly understand why it took Lexy so long to trust Alec. Faced with a playboy with a reputation bigger than his tools, you have to think. You can’t jump into everything head first. You have to dip a toe in, test the waters, and ease your body in gradually. Ease your heart in.
Alec couldn’t have broken Lexy’s heart even if he’d wanted to, with the exception of Vi’s secret, but Bing? Samuel ‘Bing’ Edwards has the power to turn my heart into a ball of ash, a shattered ball of nothing. He has the power to turn me into nothing.
And the sad thing is, is that I know this. I’ve known it for months. I knew it even when I told Carl I loved him towards the end. I didn’t, and I don’t think he meant it either.
Forever doesn’t always mean forever. Dreams aren’t always infinite. Always doesn’t have to mean the universe.
Always, forever, dreams. They’re spur of the moment words used in spur of the moment sentences. I don’t believe in forever and always. I have more integrity and dignity than to believe that, than to promise myself to someone for that long. If forever will happen then I’ll be happy to be proved wrong, but the person I want to prove me wrong is the person most unlikely to.
The person stood in front of me that just told me he wants me.
He wants me. Not as a quick fuck, a one night stand. He wants more. He wants my heart, my soul, and all I have to give him. He can have it - my heart, my soul - for all I care now. He just can’t have it all.
There’s too much dirt to dig up, too many piles of shit to shovel before he gets to know he’s everything that matters. His past is too deep, too entwined with girls, sex, and alcohol.
I told Lexy not to worry about the past. I know now they were empty words. How can you not worry about it when everything you hold dear is on the line? How can you not worry when you are on the line?
His body pressed against mine. His fingers laced with mine. His lips against mine.
I feel it all, remember it all. I remember the two words from his lips that made my world turn upside down and tilt off its axis to hit the damn moon. ‘My girl.’ My girl.
His.
I could be. I just have to say yes to the infuriating, complicated moron that just lay his heart on the line, for me.
His brown eyes are full of want, desire, need.
They’re full of promises, but promises are easily broken.
They’re full of the future, but the future is easily changed.
“Why?” I ask, my voice stronger than I feel inside. “Why am I so different to the others, Sam? Why me?”
He slides his hands up my arms until they’re cupping my face the way they did when he burst through my front door and kissed me.
“Because,” he says. “Because you’re you, Jen. You’re the light in a world forever doomed to darkness.”
I close my eyes, conflict warring inside my crazy damn brain.
Trust him. Don’t. Trust him. Don’t.
The little devil on my left shoulder is hopping with glee. The angel on my right is glaring and shaking her head defiantly. If she wasn’t holy, I’d bet she’d be cursing the fuck out of the sex god stood in front me.
“What about the others? The girls that can’t seem to keep their hands off you. The ones that would do anything for you,” I say. “The ones that would give anything for one night with Samuel Edwards.”
“What about them?” He shrugs carelessly. “I can’t keep my hands off you. I’d do anything for you. I’d give anything for another night with you - for every night with you. Don’t you get it, Jen? I’ve wanted you since I saw you lying on the beach a year and a half ago in Lilac Bay. I’ve wanted you ever since you opened that smart mouth and ripped it out of me.”
I smirk. “I’m kinda good at that.”
“I love your filthy mouth.” He dips his head and bites my bottom lip gently, his lips grazing the surface of mine.
“What if I trust you, Bing? What if I give you everything and it turns to nothing?”
“It won’t turn to nothing,” he replies. “I won’t always be perfect, Jen, baby, but I’ll try to be the best I can. I want you, girl, just you. No-one else. Trust me. Once. That’s all I’m asking.”
Once. It’s easier said than done. It’s easier said than thought.
“I knew the second you chased me with a prawn you’d be a bit of a bad boy.” I whisper.
“I knew the second you stole my sister’s hermit crab you’d be a handful,” he whispers back, a glimmer in his eye.
“What if I can’t take it, Bing? What if I can’t deal with the girls that will throw themselves all over you?”
He runs his fingers through my hair, pushing it away from my face. My head tilts back slightly.
“Then maybe, baby...” He moves in close. “Maybe, you can come to me, and I’ll remind you exactly why they’re nothing more than a shadow in the night and you’re the light.”
“I can’t promise you forever, Bing,” I whisper. “Not until you can prove that everything you just said is it, the real thing.”
He stops and sighs. “You don’t believe me do you?” He shakes his head and turns away. I grab his arm.
“Walk, Bing, and that’s it. This is what you can’t do. I need to know that what you’re saying to me is how you actually feel. It’s what you want.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t know you. I don’t know as much about you as I want to. Show me you’re being serious, that I’m everything you want, more than sex, then I’m yours. Until then, we’re in uncharted territory.”
His eyes meet mine and in them I see steely resolve, determination. “You’re gonna wish you never challenged me to that, Jennifer Mason.”
“No,” I say, stepping against him. He wraps his arms around me. “I’m hoping I’ll be glad I challenged you to it.”
~