BING
People are exes for a reason, and when I look into the pleading puppy dog eyes of my ex, Heidi, I wonder why the fuck she was ever in the position to become an ex in the first place.
“No.” I say flatly. “I have a place to be.”
“Bing, please, we were so good together.” She tries to trail a finger down my arm and my skin crawls at the thought.
“Still no.” I move away from her. “Bye, Heidi.”
“Bing! I forgive you, you know. I don’t care if you cheated.”
Jesus Christ, is she fucking stupid?
“Heidi, listen. I didn’t give a shit six months ago, I don’t give a shit today, and I probably won’t tomorrow either. Do yourself a favour and stop making a fool of yourself.” I leave without looking, and ask myself why I have.
That there, my friends, was sex on a plate. With a fucking birthday candle and sprinkles.
It was also as ugly as hell. What have I been doing my whole life?
‘Maybe you should find a nice girl to settle down with,’ Grammy said before she died. Good logic, not enough execution.
Here’s the thing; the girls I sleep with are nice enough, they give me what I want, and most of them leave without a fuss. I’m mildly, if not highly attracted to them. Sometimes, if I like them enough, I’ll have another go.
I liked Heidi enough to stick around for three months, and become ‘exclusive’ before my dick developed its own brain, and ran after the next girl with a half decent pair of tits. I ended the ‘relationship’ not long after. I might be a prick but I’m not a serial cheater and I won’t lie about it.
But still - Heidi offered me sex the way you’d offer your Gran a cup of tea. I still said no. I wouldn’t even consider it. My brain can’t consider it.
I pull up outside my house and decide to call my sister. Unlocking the door, I wrestle my phone from my pocket and speed dial her.
“Something serious must be wrong if you’re calling me willingly,” Lexy muses as soon as she answers.
“I just got accosted by my ex-girlfriend,” I grumble. “That’s pretty serious.”
“Oh no,” she says in a flat voice. “However did you cope having a busty babe rubbing her plastic chest against you?”
“No need to be a bitch. It was hell. I think I’m scarred for life.”
“I’m sure you’ll live.”
I grunt and rub my face. “I have a question.”
“Go on...” she says suspiciously. My sister, always the sceptic.
“Why did Jen come back early?”
“You don’t know?”
“If I knew, would I be fucking asking?”
“Bing, are you honestly telling me you still don’t know why she went back so early?” Lexy says, slightly incredulous.
“Of course I am!” I try not to shout. “I asked her in Devon, but she told me not to push it. Oh, and she insulted me several times.”
“Oh, boy.” She laughs. “Well, she and Carl broke up.”
“What?” I stop dead in my tracks. “They what?”
“They broke up,” she repeats. “They weren’t getting along so they called it a day. I think they’re both happier now.”
That explains a lot. Namely the kiss she planted on me yesterday.
“So she’s single?” I ask.
“Well, yeah... Bing? Bing, what are you doing?!”
“Gotta go sis love you bye!” I hang up and slide my phone back into my pocket, pulling my trainers on at the same time. “Shit shit fuck shit!”
I run from the house, get into my car, and head for Jen’s. Stopping at a red light, I grab my phone, set up hands free, and call her.
“What?” she answers. “I don’t have time...”
“Why didn’t you tell me you and Carl broke up?” I demand, barely keeping to the speed limit.
“Uh, maybe because it’s absolutely, positively nothing to do with your nosey butt?” she answers.
“It’s something to do with me when you kiss me in the middle of the park.”
“Oh. Hm. Good point,” she says warily.
“You better be at yours,” I warn her.
“What if I’m not?”
“Then you get your ass home.”
“I’m home,” she pauses. “Why are you coming here?”
“Answer the door in about thirty seconds and you’ll find out.” I park outside her building, hang up, and take the stairs two at a time.
Knock. Knock.
The door opens and before she can even raise her eyebrows, my hands are on the sides of her head and my lips are on hers.