Chapter Eleven
Thanksgiving.
Had there ever been a more awful holiday?
In fact the entire day set me on edge.
I didn’t want to wake up grateful for the things I still had or spend time counting my blessings. I didn’t want to remember why I was so blessed or teach my children to count every little thing as a gift.
I wanted to stay in my three-day-old pajamas and wallow in self-pity. I wanted to drink myself through the day and eat my weight in Ben and Jerry’s. I wanted to pull all of my children into my big bed and fill it up for a change, and then I wanted to hold them close and weep.
I hadn’t cried since last Friday night. The week had passed quickly and the kids had been out of school yesterday. I enlisted them to help bake some holiday goodies and we’d turned on Top Forty and danced around the kitchen- anything to keep the shadow of our first major holiday without Grady out of their heads.
This morning I’d woken up early to Abby having a terrible nightmare. She’d screamed at the top of her lungs. I rushed to her, terrified something was wrong. She hadn’t even woken up when I crawled into bed with her and wrapped my arms around her tiny waist. She nuzzled against me and immediately quieted down.
I whispered soothing words for another hour before she woke up for good.
“Mommy?” She was so sleepily confused that I couldn’t help but smile. Her curly hair was riotous around her freckled face and her green eyes had trouble focusing. She could be a handful, but she was my handful. I loved this little thing.
“You had a nightmare,” I told her.
“I know,” she whispered back.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
She shook her head and hugged me tighter. “It will make you sad.”
I hadn’t pressed her. Maybe I should have. Maybe I should have encouraged her to talk about it, get it out of her head and help her process. But I was afraid she was right. I didn’t want to be more depressed than I already was. The idea that Abby had a nightmare about losing her daddy paralyzed me with grief. I couldn’t do anything but hug her and promise her that it was going to be okay, even if I didn’t believe that ugly, empty promise.
I couldn’t lie to her about anything else though. So I didn’t bother telling her she wouldn’t have another nightmare or that she would feel better soon. I just made sure she knew that I was there for her, that she could come sleep with me anytime she was scared and that I would always be here for her if she couldn’t sleep.
I didn’t know if my words helped or hurt her in the long term, but frankly I didn’t care. This was the best I could do.
Abby and I stayed in bed a long time, just holding on to each other for dear life. Eventually the other kids trickled in as they woke up and we added them to our pile.
We didn’t have to be at lunch until eleven and so it wasn’t until Jace couldn’t stand being hungry anymore that we dragged ourselves from the warmth of the bed to the sustenance in the kitchen.
Now we stood on the stoop to Katherine’s quaint, all-brick house and I had started to contemplate throwing the kids back in the car and driving to the nearest Denny’s.
“Why are we just standing here?” Blake reached for the doorbell.
“I just want to make sure we’re ready,” I sighed. My children looked at me like the crazy woman that I was. Jace tried to jump out of my arms and dive for his nana’s house. Blake pushed the doorbell to get us out of the cold.
Trevor opened the door and mayhem ensued. The children attacked him and he wrestled them into the living room.
I set my purse down and went back to the car for the pies the kids had helped me make. I balanced the apple in one hand and the cherry in the other as I stepped over kicking little feet and Trevor’s arm as he played dead for the kids.
Katherine stood at the stove, checking the various casseroles in the oven. She looked over her shoulder when I greeted her and gave me a soft smile.
“Happy Thanksgiving,” she said.
“Happy Thanksgiving to you too.”
She examined my pies and immediately my hackles rose, maybe unfairly, but it didn’t matter. “Did the kids help you make those?”
“Yes.”
“I admire you for baking with so many children. I only had the two boys, but I couldn’t seem to manage them in the kitchen.”
I gave her a tight smile while irrational anger burned low in my stomach. I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t have two kids and I didn’t have the luxury of help. She knew this. I didn’t know why she felt the need to point it out.
I decided changing the subject would be better for both of us. “Do you need any help?”
“Thank you, Liz. You could fill the water glasses on the table; we’re just about ready to eat.”
And eat we did. Katherine was an excellent cook and she served a spectacular meal. Usually she invited cousins and aunts and uncles to celebrate the holiday as well, but she’d offered to keep it small for this Thanksgiving.
It was the only reason I agreed to come over.
Honestly, the idea of facing all of Grady’s extended family without him by my side sounded like the inner circle of hell. They were overwhelming to begin with, but after Grady’s death the day would consist of nonstop questions about how I was doing or how the kids were doing or how we were managing or how I thought Trevor was handling the business.
I would have dragged Emma along, but she had flown to Florida to spend the holiday with our retired parents. She had been hesitant to go, but I had encouraged her, thinking I would be fine at my in-laws.
Dinner was as chaotic as it always was with four children to serve and maintain, but relatively low key since there were so many adults to help out.
“Should we all say something we’re thankful for?” Katherine’s cheery voice grated on my nerves. I tried to smile at Abby, encouraging her with my expression, but I couldn’t make it believable.
“Do we have to?” Abby groaned. “I’m not thankful for anything.”
“Abigail,” I hissed at her. I could see the pain written all over her face, but the mom in me couldn’t stop from chastising her.
“What are you thankful for, Mom?” Her dry sarcasm could not be missed.
“I’m thankful for you,” I told her honestly. “For how fun and adventurous you are.” That seemed to calm her down, so I moved on. “And I’m thankful for Blake too.” I looked at my oldest son, “Thankful for how helpful you are and for always remembering everything I forget.” He gave me a shy smile and went back to pushing his green bean casserole around.
“What about me?” Lucy shouted.
“I’m thankful for you too, Luce. I’m thankful for all of your hugs and kisses. And I’m thankful for all of the pictures you make for me.” I tussled Jace’s floppy red hair and kissed a cheek painted in mashed potatoes. “I’m thankful for you too, J. I’m thankful that you are sleeping through the night again and that you always know how to make me laugh.”
My mother-in-law dabbed at her eyes with a cloth napkin, “That was beautiful, Liz.”
I shifted in my seat and looked away. It was shockingly unnerving to watch her tear up in the middle of dinner. It also had an intense effect on me. I wanted to cry too just watching her and then to think that it was my words that had made her emotional really choked me up.
Trevor sighed adoringly, “Ah, Ma. You’re making Liz uncomfortable.”
She flashed me a watery smile. Her trembling hand reached forward and rested on the white tablecloth. “I always thought the kids were so lucky to have a father like Grady,” she admitted. “But I’m realizing they’re really lucky to have a mother like you.”
I should have heard the compliment in her words. I really should have. But all I could hear was the disappointment she felt for me up until this point. It had taken her son dying for her to see that I wasn’t such a letdown after all.
I could feel the bad place I’d been trapped in. I could feel how poisonous these feelings were for my mind and soul. This anger that ate at my insides and spread toxin through my blood was dangerous and awful. I wanted it gone, but I couldn’t make it go and that only made me angrier.
“Thank you for saying that,” I managed to say although my words felt cold and false on my tongue.
It wasn’t until Katherine disappeared into the kitchen to bring back the pie that I finally found a moment alone with Trevor. I hated the idea of other people asking the question, but I needed to know. This business was my living too.
“How are things, Trevor? With the company?”
He shrugged his shoulders and shifted in his seat. “Slow with the season.” He wouldn’t look me in the eye. He bounced nervously and reached for some water to gulp it down quickly.
My hand twitched. For the first time in my life, I wanted to stand up and slap someone.
“How bad is it?” My voice had become a low rasp of frustration.
His eyes lifted and he finally met my gaze. “Bad.”
I felt that one small word like a punch to the gut. The room tilted sharply and then started to spin.
“I’m not sure what we’re going to do. Things are bad,” he continued.
I felt my heavy Thanksgiving dinner churn in my stomach. How could he do this to me? How could he take Grady’s gift and destroy it so flippantly?
Didn’t he care?
I had kids to feed! Bills to pay? Didn’t he care about me?
“How are you going to fix it?” My words came out measured and labored, betraying the fury burning through me. I wanted to stand up and scream at him. I felt like I had finally tipped over the edge of insanity with the sheer volume of rage spiraling through me.
In a choked voice, he admitted, “I don’t know if we can.” He ran a hand through his dark hair and turned his head toward Blake.
“How dare you.” My voice scared even me. I hadn’t expected to react so violently, but I couldn’t help it. “How dare you take my husband’s company, his gift to you and run it into the ground.”
Trevor jerked back in his seat, shocked by my accusation. He reached forward with a timid hand, “Liz, wait…”
“He trusted you,” I spat out. “He didn’t die suddenly. He died slowly! He had time to reflect on his company. He could have sold it and made a lot of money, Trevor! But no! Grady wanted to give it to you! He wanted to give you a future. He wanted to give you a job! And you’ve destroyed it! That was his dream. Do you know what that meant to him? Do you know how hard he worked to build his company and make a name for himself?”
“I know what he did, Liz. He was my brother.”
“Then act like you give a damn!”
Katherine chose that moment to walk back into the room, although it might have had something to do with my hysterical screaming.
Jace and Lucy both started to cry. Lucy jumped out of her seat and ran to my side. She wrapped her little arms around my waist and held onto me tightly.
I was too ashamed to look at Blake or Abby. My kids had never seen me behave this way. They had been through enough; I didn’t need to put this on them too.
And yet, I couldn’t stop.
“I do give a damn!” Trevor shot back, just as infuriated as me. “You can’t even imagine how this is killing me! How much of a failure I feel like because I can’t make this one thing work. The one thing I want to work most in the world! You don’t think I know how much Grady loved this company? You’re wrong! I worked with him every day for nearly a decade. I watched him build it from the ground up! I know that the only thing he loved more than that place was you and his kids. So don’t think for a second that I would intentionally run this thing into the ground. But I am not Grady, Liz. I’m not even half the man he was.” Trevor ran a rough hand over his eyes but couldn’t stop his angry, hurt tears from falling.
I felt like the worst person in the world for making him feel that way, for making him admit things I didn’t even think were true.
Katherine collapsed in her seat. Silent tears ran down her face, but she didn’t’ try to wipe them away.
When Trevor spoke again, his voice was broken, a picture of what I knew had happened to his spirit as well. “I want to try, Liz. I want to make this business run as successfully as it did when Grady was alive. But I can barely get myself out of bed in the morning. I know you lost your husband. I know how hard this hit you. But you’ve got to know that I lost my big brother. He was my best friend and now he is gone. I can barely walk into that office without breaking down and losing my goddamn mind. I want to do this right, Liz, but I am just so sad.”
His last words were what finally broke me. I had had enough. I couldn’t take it anymore.
I couldn’t take Grady’s mother looking at me with pity. I felt Katherine’s eyes on me constantly. I felt her waiting for me to break. I could feel her just waiting for me to lose it.
Well, maybe I finally had.
And Trevor was so much worse. He didn’t just look like his older brother, he acted like Grady too. And Trevor was in the middle of his own pain. I could see him suffering. He was a shell of the man he used to be.
I loved Trevor like a brother, but watching him like this made my grief double. I couldn’t hurt for both Trevor and me. I couldn’t hurt for all of us and expect to be able to breathe through this pain.
I pushed back from the table, taking my clinging kids with me. “Trevor, we’re all sad. We all miss Grady. But you’re killing him all over again by killing his company. And the first time is hard enough. I will not grieve him twice. Figure something out or I’m going to sell it.”
His face went white and Katherine jumped to her feet, knocking over a glass of water as she went.
“Liz, you don’t mean that.”
I whirled on her. “I cannot watch that company implode, Katherine. I won’t do it. Grady trusted Trevor, but he didn’t want this.” I turned on my other two children. “Get your shoes on, Guys. It’s time to go.”
“But we haven’t had dessert!” Abby complained.
“Abs, we’ll have something when we get home. Let’s go.”
Katherine looked absolutely distraught. “Liz…”
“I’m sorry, Katherine.” I felt sick to my stomach. I was not a confrontational person, but I hadn’t been able to stay quiet. “I really am. I didn’t mean for that to… Or say… I think it would be better if we left now.”
“Okay,” she whispered.
Trevor dropped his face into his hands and I had to turn away when his shoulders started shaking. I couldn’t watch him cry. I couldn’t watch a grown man breakdown because of me and my stupid words.
But I couldn’t make myself apologize either.
I’d meant them. Every word.
Getting in the car took longer than I wanted it to. The kids were not motivated to leave their nana’s house. Katherine insisted we take the pies back home with us and I didn’t have any energy left to fight her.
She helped me pack the kids into the car and load up some leftovers. We said clinical goodbyes and promised to call each other.
She kissed all the kids and then just as I had climbed into the driver’s seat and she stood in the side door saying her last goodbyes, she said, “Grownups fight sometimes.” I spun around to watch her smooth things over with my shaken children. “That doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. Your mommy and Uncle Trevor love each other very much, but they also loved your daddy. It’s hard for them without him here. You’ll forgive her for yelling at Uncle Trevor, won’t you?” They must have nodded. “I love you all. I’ll see you soon.”
She stepped back and I closed the door before she could say another word.
It wasn’t until we had pulled into the garage at our home that I had finally calmed down enough to offer them the apology they deserved.
I turned the car off and turned around. “I’m sorry I ruined Thanksgiving.”
They all looked at me and let my words settle over them. Jace and Lucy had already moved on, but the older kids would remember this.
Finally, Blake unbuckled and walked over to me. He threw his arms around my neck and said, “Mommy, it was already ruined without dad here.”
Tears started flowing again. He never called me mommy. I looked over his shoulder at Abby and asked, “Forgive me?”
“Is Uncle Trevor really going to ruin daddy’s job?” she asked thoughtfully.
“Not anymore,” I promised her.
“Okay.” She hopped up and opened the door so she could jump out. Apparently that was all the affirmation she needed.
Blake let go and helped get the little ones out so I could carry the pies inside. We spent the rest of the day cuddled on the couch, eating pie and ice cream.
By the time I tucked them into bed, both pies were gone and I should have felt a lot guiltier than I did. They kissed me with sleepy smiles and didn’t bring up my fight with Trevor again.
I didn’t know if they would remember this into adulthood; maybe it would be one of the reasons that sent them running to therapy or maybe they would forget about it before the morning. But I did know that I had behaved inappropriately today and they deserved better than that.
Better than that version of me.
So did Trevor and Katherine.
I felt myself falling apart, crumbling into irreparable pieces that would be crushed into ash. I couldn’t recognize myself anymore. I had become some angry, ugly creature and I didn’t know how to go back.
That wasn’t true. I knew how to go back to whom I used to be, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t go back to the person that I was before Grady died and I couldn’t bring Grady back to me.
I had ruined Thanksgiving, but Grady’s death had ruined me.