Chapter Twenty-Two
The school year ended in a blink of an eye and summer flipped by in lazy days of late mornings and reckless play. June was a month filled with outdoor barbeques where Ben would grill and I would fill the patio table with paper plates and corn on the cob. The kids loved to eat outside and it wasn’t too hot to enjoy the summer evenings.
Some nights Ben would watch the kids for me while I went for a run. They loved their Ben-time without me to take away his attention. And I loved my alone time.
On the weekends we would spend hours in Ben’s pool. With two of us it made watching the kids simple. Emma would join us whenever she didn’t have other plans.
Ben rarely spent a night away from us. And when he had to be away, it wasn’t just me that missed him. The kids wanted him with us, at our dinner table, in our house, a part of our lives.
The Fourth of July had been spent at the lake, where he supervised small fireworks and I managed s’mores. We invaded his parent’s cabin for the weekend and it was the first time I allowed him to sleep over.
Not that he did anything more than sleep. Still, that was a big step for me.
By the middle of July, I was already dreading the school year and simultaneously looking forward to the kids having a more structured life. Lucy couldn’t wait to go to kindergarten and Abby had settled down just enough that I thought maybe her second grade teacher might be able to survive the year.
With the right amount of prayer.
Before I thought too seriously about school though, I decided we needed a lot more days at the pool. Because it was Saturday, Ben could join me and the children could survive the day.
“No running!” I called after Abby and Blake as they raced around the side of the pool and fought to see who could make the bigger cannonball splash.
Lucy had her floaties on and had no trouble puttering around the length of the pool and Jace was enjoying his froggy inflatable that sat him upright near the shallow end. All children were safe for the moment.
It was a good day.
I spread my arms along the edge of the pool and let the baked cement warm my skin. I blinked up at the bright sun and soaked in these blissful few moments.
“We need another date,” Ben murmured, floating up to me. His firm torso was exposed for my viewing pleasure, the water crashed against his chest as he moved closer to me. My fingers twitched, desperate to run over his taut muscles.
“Why’s that?” I snuck a glance over his shoulder to make sure all of the children were safe… and also distracted. My fingers cut through the water until they brushed against his ribs.
His hands mimicked my movements. I squirmed a little as they trailed over my skin under the water, causing my breath to hitch and his eyes to darken.
“Because I need you and this bathing suit all to myself.” His lips dropped to my collarbone where he trailed hot kisses dripping with cool water to the tip of my shoulder and back down. I dropped my head back and closed my eyes. A small whimper escaped the back of my throat and his gentle grip became fiercely needy. He clutched my sides and slid his thigh between my legs. With the little bikini bottoms I had on, his leg pressed to my core with shocking pressure.
I lifted my head and opened my eyes, only to come face to face with the purest picture of desire I had ever seen.
I stopped breathing and my heart stopped beating. A blush swept over me from top to bottom. His intentions were so clearly written on his face that I had no doubt of the thoughts that ran through his head.
We had been dating for five months and this had never become a topic of conversation for us. I had been too terrified to bring it up and he had been too much of a gentleman. But surely he thought about this… wondered what would happen.
I certainly did.
But mine always ended with a big buzzer sounding and an announcer declaring that we were out of time. I couldn’t get past my own humiliation to even think about the good stuff.
I had always thought Grady would be the last man to see me naked. And I had liked it that way. I couldn’t fathom undressing in front of another man. Not after ten years of marriage to the same man.
And let’s not even discuss my destroyed lady bits. Thank you my darling children. You didn’t exactly leave me in tiptop condition.
So, no. Sex was a nonissue to me because it would never happen.
Ben would have to break this off with me if he ever wanted to get laid again. And guessing from the heated look in his eyes that sent shivers racing up and down my spine, he was going to have to break up with me soon.
Or I was going to spontaneously combust into a million pieces.
Ben continued to press kisses along my jaw, the shell of my ear and finally my mouth. My hands slid around his neck and our bodies came together naturally.
“Ew!” All of the kids shouted at once.
We pulled away laughing. This hadn’t been the first time we got caught.
“How about that date?” He waggled his eyebrows at me and put a safe distance between us.
“I’ll talk to Emma.”
“Maybe we should think about finding another babysitter. A girl that is more available? Maybe a high school kid or someone we can pay?”
We can pay. We should think about finding another babysitter.
Ben’s words stripped away my easy smile and poked at my motherly instincts. I didn’t know how I felt about Ben’s suggestion or his insinuation that we were so coupled.
What did it mean for us to both pick out a babysitter? Did that mean he had an actual say and I had to listen to his opinion? Did he care enough about my children to find someone that would truly take care of their needs and make my home a fun and safe environment while maintaining some kind of order? Was he offering to pay for the sitter? Or did that responsibility remain entirely with me?
He misread my expression, “I love Emma, Liz. Don’t get me wrong. She’s just so busy. I’d like to find someone who can come over weekly. You need a break and I need you alone.”
I gaped at his insightful words.
“How much of a say do you think you have in this?” I followed a droplet of water with my finger as it trickled down his chest.
He captured my hand and brought it to his mouth for a chaste kiss. “A lot of say,” he grinned at me. “So much say.”
“I’m not so sure…” What I really wasn’t sure about was inviting another person into our lives. I liked how we had things right now. I didn’t want to upset the fragile balance we’d struck.
“I love these guys. I want the best for them too.”
“I know you say that…”
“And I mean it.” His voice was a serious timbre that made me want to sit up straighter. “I love those kids, Liz. More than I ever thought I could love anybody. If we are going to take this relationship any further, don’t you think I should start working with you to make decisions that affect the whole family?”
He talked about my kids like he was already a father figure for them and about the family as if he were already a part of it.
I didn’t know how to feel about that.
Frankly, he left me a little breathless.
Or, er, rather largely breathless.
I opened my mouth to say something although I didn’t know what. I needed to politely ask him to back off until I could catch up with him. I didn’t think I wanted Ben to become so involved. If he stepped into Grady’s shoes that meant Grady would be pushed out.
And I didn’t want Grady to leave.
But I didn’t want Ben to leave either.
“Uncle Trevor!” Abby squealed before I could put two words together.
Lots of splashing ensued as my children scrambled from the pool to attack their uncle with wet hugs. He laughed and let them drip all over his work clothes. I held my hand up to shield the sun and silently thanked Trevor for interrupting at just the right time.
I pushed beyond Ben to climb out of the swimming pool too. Once I had a towel securely wrapped around me, I walked over to my brother-in-law to see why he’d tracked us down.
After my initial relief that he’d interrupted a tense moment between Ben and me, I now felt disastrously ill. Trevor didn’t seek me out on his own. There had to be a problem with the business.
“Hey, Trev,” I greeted.
He looked up at me with a very perplexed expression and explained, “I followed the screaming. I could hear these monsters from the driveway.” They all laughed and screamed louder, proving his point.
“Is everything okay?” The words were out of my mouth before I could think of better ones. I was too nervous to wait for him.
“Can we talk?”
I cleared my throat, feeling more nervous as the seconds ticked by. “Sure.”
“Alone?”
“Yes.” I nodded enthusiastically and pointed toward my house. “I forgot the sunscreen anyway. Walk with me?”
“You got it.” He bent down to kiss the top of the kids’ heads and offer promises about taking them to the arcade.
I looked back at Ben and tried to convey my concern with raised eyebrows. We hadn’t been dating long enough for him to read all of my facial expressions, but I hoped this one was pretty obvious. “Can you keep an eye on everybody? I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
Ben moved to the ladder and climbed out with agile grace. “Who needs a snack?” he called to the wild things. They agreed with more shouting and cheering. “That’s great!” he told them as he herded them toward his sliding glass door. “Because I’ve got three different kinds of Pop-Tarts I need to get rid of.” I froze in place. He had to be kidding. He looked over and shot me a sly wink. That man.
Trevor and I walked in silence up to the house. I opened the front door for him and stepped into my super-cooled entryway. Or maybe it just felt that way after lounging for hours in the hot sun. I hadn’t bothered with flip-flops so my grass-covered feet felt every inch of cold wood as I led him into the kitchen where I’d left the sunscreen on the counter.
“I haven’t seen you in a while, how have you been?” The truth was, I hadn’t seen much of Trevor or Katherine over the past couple months. I knew she was avoiding me after she caught Ben kissing me in the hallway and I felt too guilty and too ashamed to reach out to her first.
Trevor was a casualty of Katherine and my avoidance.
Although, there was a very good chance that he was avoiding me on purpose too.
“I’ve been great,” he breathed on a sigh that sounded good- so much better than the last time I saw him.
“Really?” The question was out of my mouth before I could process why I asked it. I thought maybe I expected more bad news. It was stranger to me that Trevor could possibly be okay than if he would have said he was filing for bankruptcy.
He smiled at me, “Really. Summer has been good for me and good for the business too.”
His words filled me with hope, “How good?”
“Liz, we might be back on track. We haven’t lost money in three months and we’re booked out through the fall. I think it’s going to stay this way too. I finally feel like I have my feet underneath me and a handle on what Grady had been doing.”
“Trevor, that’s amazing! I knew you could do it!”
His smile grew into a proud grin. “I kept waiting for Grady to come back and put someone else at the head of his business,” he confessed. “I just couldn’t believe that he meant to put me in charge. I am not Grady. I will never be Grady. And yet he left me so much to take care of. I felt like he made a mistake.”
“He didn’t.”
Trevor’s smiled died and the bright light in his eyes dimmed. “I am still struggling to believe that. But what you said at Thanksgiving, about how I was killing him all over again, that really made me start to think.”
“I shouldn’t have said that!” Regret churned in my stomach. God, how cruel I had been! “It wasn’t true, Trev. I was just so angry and-”
“It was true, Liz. And I needed to hear it. I needed a fire lit under my ass.”
I smiled and shook my head at him. “I’m still sorry.”
“And I’ve already forgiven you.” He looked around the kitchen, taking it in again. “I don’t really like that guy you’re dating.”
His words sucked the air from the room. I wasn’t expecting them and I didn’t know how to reply. I stood there awkwardly playing with the spray can of sunscreen.
“But Grady would have.”
My heart dropped to my stomach and I struggled to speak above a whisper, “What?”
“Grady would have liked him,” Trevor repeated finally meeting my eyes. “He never wanted you to be alone, Lizzy. He never wanted to leave you with everything. It’s been hard for me to come over here ever since he… died. Not just because everything in this damn house reminds me of him, but because watching you do this on your own killed me. I love those kids, as much as I’ve ever loved anything. They need a dad. You need help.”
“Trev, Ben and I aren’t serious. Not at all. I’m hardly thinking of him as a replacement for Grady.”
He smiled patiently at me, as if he knew something I didn’t. “But if you have to have a guy around, he’s a good one.”
“You don’t really know him.”
“Are you trying to convince me not to like him?” Trevor laughed. He ran two hands through his tussled hair and took a deep breath. “When Grady first told me about you, I was still in high school. He called me up to tell me he was going to bring a girl over to meet mom. I was too young to know that might mean anything, so I made some off-color joke that he didn’t like. I remember that he got serious, right away. He didn’t yell at me though or lecture me. He just said, ‘When you meet Liz, you’ll get it. She burns bright, Trevor. I need that kind of light in my life.’”
“Trevor…”
“He didn’t want that to end with him, Lizzy.”
Through a thick throat, I said, “He said something like that to me near the end.”
“He always thought of you first. Always. And he always wanted what was best for you and the kids. That’s why he worked so hard. That’s why he built what he did. He just couldn’t even imagine giving you something less than he thought you deserved. He was the best guy I have ever known.”
“It’s hard to imagine settling for anybody else. I think whoever they are will always feel like second best. Or second string or whatever.”
Trevor barked out a surprised laugh. “Yeah, maybe. But whoever they are will have a lot to live up to. So maybe don’t worry about that. Maybe just keep doing what you’re doing and trust that it will all work out.”
“When did you get so wise?” I looked at my brother-in-law from across the kitchen and saw him differently. He’d grown up over the last year. He wasn’t the same immature kid that followed his brother around, desperate for guidance and Grady’s approval. He was a man. And somehow he’d become a good man. Grady would have been so proud of him.
Trevor ran his hand through his hair again and shrugged one shoulder. “Guess my brother convinced me to grow up after all.” He blew out a long breath, “Damn, I miss him.”
“Me too.”
I walked him out to his car and said goodbye, promising him that I would text soon about having him over for dinner. I watched his car pull out of the cul-de-sac and stood there wrapped in my towel for a long time, thinking about our conversation.
When I finally turned back to Ben’s house, I realized it was the first time Trevor and I had ever talked about Grady when I hadn’t cried.