Chapter Twenty
Five days passed before I saw Ben again. True to his word he had called me the day after our date. And when I hadn’t answered, he had texted asking me to call him back.
I hadn’t done that either.
I managed to avoid running into him over the weekend and into the school week. My kids kept me busy. Soccer season was in full swing for both of the older kids, and Lucy and Jace had started swim lessons. I had signed them up weeks ago, hoping we would be able to use Ben’s pool during summer.
Now the lessons felt like little digs at my heart, painful reminders of what I’d ruined between us.
I couldn’t face him again. I couldn’t look into his eyes and remember that kiss and not fall to pieces.
Worst of all, I didn’t want to give that up. Him up.
I wanted there to be more.
When I lay in bed at night now, I reached over to Grady’s side and felt the crushing weight of his absence. But then I would close my eyes and remember the feel of Ben’s lips against mine, the hard press of his body, the firm grip of his hands as he held me tightly to him, as desperate for me as I was for him.
My mind would spin and my thoughts would crash into each other. My heart couldn’t figure out where to settle, whether to feel guilt or elation, shame or joy. It was too much for me. I walked around those days with tears I could not stop and a sick feeling in my stomach.
I tried to convince myself that if I felt this ill about Ben, then I shouldn’t be with him. A relationship couldn’t be built on emotions as volatile as these.
But in the depth of me, in my very center, I knew that it wasn’t Ben causing this trauma. It was my refusal to acknowledge my feelings for Ben that had me tied up in knots. It was the suppression of my real feelings that made me ill and heartbroken.
I knew he would get tired of my avoidance. Ben wasn’t the kind of man that ran from problems. He faced them head on and like with everything else, he challenged me to do the same.
But I desperately hoped he would give up on me. I needed him to walk away and find someone that could actually give back to him what he wanted… what he needed.
Late Wednesday night, a knock at my door warned that the time had come to face Ben.
I sat curled up on the couch, a book lying listlessly in my hands. I had been planted there for an hour and hadn’t read a single word.
I looked through to the door, heart already pounding, breath already shortened. I couldn’t bring myself to move from the couch. How would I face him? How would I tell him I couldn’t do this?
My brain warred with my heart. My soul argued with my intellect. I knew what I should do, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was forcing myself to lose someone I cared about all over again, only this time there was no one to blame but myself.
When I agreed to his date, I had been so worried that I would ruin things with my awkwardness and emotional unavailability that he wouldn’t want to continue any kind of relationship with me. Not even friendship. But it had been easy to be with Ben. So easy.
And after that kiss… I knew that I was the one that would have to end things with him.
He had shown me a truth that I wasn’t ready to see. He’d revealed a part of me that I had denied for a long time. Those things scared me.
Terrified me.
He had become the friend I could always count on, but so much more than that. He had become the man that I needed. That I wanted.
I wanted more and being near him without having more would be torture.
He was my slow death.
He knocked again, harder this time. I couldn’t help but smile at his persistence.
I pulled myself off the couch and dug deep for courage. I was an adult. I was a grown woman with grownup responsibilities. I could face Ben Tyler.
My hand shook as I turned the door handle, calling me a liar.
He stood there with one arm bent at an angle against the doorframe. His forehead rested on his wrist while he stared down at his shoes. My heart squeezed, he looked miserable.
His eyes lifted to meet mine and I noticed he hadn’t shaved in a few days. The rough growth suited him and tugged at something low in my belly. I ached to run the palm of my hand over the stubble, wanting to know what it felt like against the pads of my fingers.
“You’re ignoring me now?” he rasped gruffly. His dark eyes flashed fiercely.
I shook my head immediately, denying his accusation. “No.”
He stood up to his full height and pushed by me into the house. “I knew this was going to be hard, Liz. But you could talk to me about it. You could tell me how you’re feeling. I could help you work through this.”
Fear turned to anger, “So we’re just jumping right into this then? I’m fine by the way, thanks for asking.”
“I know you’re fine. As fine as you can be,” he ground out. “But I’m not.”
His words punched at my resolve making my breath puff out of me. “Ben-”
“We’re right for each other, Liz. The other night… that was a damn good night.”
“Maybe… sure, it was a good date, but that doesn’t mean there can be more. I don’t even know why we bothered. We should never have tried anything beyond friendship.”
He ignored me, “And all the other nights before that one? Also damn good nights. Every time I’m with you, I feel it, Liz. I feel it here.” He pressed his hand to his heart and I swayed from the ferocious emotion swelling inside of me. “I know that I need to be careful with you. I want to be careful with you, but I need some of that same respect in return.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Return my calls, Liz. Tell me what’s going on. Share your thoughts once in a while! I am trying here, but I can only do so much on my own. You have got to help me out or we’re not going to go anywhere.”
“Ben, I can’t do this. You’re not listening to me! I don’t want this to go anywhere! You’re asking too much of me.”
“I’m not.” He stepped right up to me. His chest heaved with his frustration and something else… something I wasn’t ready to acknowledge yet. “I’m going to be gentle with you, Liz. We’re going to treat this delicately. I’m going to let this happen slowly, let us fall slowly. But I am not asking too much of you.”
“This will never work!” I snapped at him. “We’re doomed from the start. I’m in love with another man, Ben! A man you will never be able to compete with because he’s dead!”
Ben’s hands reached up to cup my face. His thumbs rubbed over my cheeks, wiping away tears I hadn’t realized I’d started to shed. “I don’t want to compete with Grady,” he murmured. “And I don’t ever expect you to stop loving him. But whether you want to admit it or not, we’ve started something great. You don’t have to prove to me that you have room for two men in your heart. You’ve already made room. I think it’s time you realized that so we can move forward.”
I stumbled back a step, ripping myself away from his touch. His words made my skin tingle and my heart flutter. How did he know how to say such perfect things? How did he know how to reach inside of me and pluck my fears from my chest and my hesitation from my soul?
How had we gone from casual friendship to this? This felt earth shattering… soul-shaking… fundamental to my very existence.
I stood at a crossroads. I could continue on with my life the way it was, grieving Grady and refusing to take control of the life I had left to live. Or I could try this thing with Ben. I could acknowledge that not everything in life made sense and that Ben was right.
I loved Grady, but I cared deeply for Ben. I hadn’t thought it was possible to care for two men, but my heart had already made room.
This seemed ill-timed and impossible, but this incredible opportunity stood in front of me in a very nice package that I had come to believe I could not live without.
“What do you expect to happen between us?”
A tender smile touched his lips, “I expect us to take this one day at a time. I expect you to be difficult and for me to be patient and understanding and so, so gentle. I expect us to enjoy each other, Liz. And not much more. Not yet.”
“I already enjoy you,” I glared at him, hating that he was able to get through to me.
I had to be crazy to even consider this!
“I know you do.”
I let out a sigh of frustration, “This isn’t going to work, Ben. We’re both going to end up hurt.”
“You’re already hurting, Liz.” He stepped toward me again and tucked a stubborn piece of hair behind my ear.
“That’s what I mean.” My chin trembled as I struggled not to cry again. I hated that I couldn’t keep a lock on my emotions. I hated that losing Grady had broken me so severely that my eyes constantly leaked and my crazed emotions always floated near the top. I needed to normalize. But looking up into Ben’s eyes and taking in his handsome, pleading face, I knew it wouldn’t happen any time soon. “I can’t take anymore heartbreak,” I confessed on a broken whisper.
“Then it’s a good thing I’m not going to break your heart.” He leaned down and pressed a kiss to my lips. His mouth felt warm and hopeful.
He kissed me like I was a delicate, fragile thing. He kissed me with care and an aching sweetness that touched the bitter places inside of me and brought them back to life. I came to life in his arms, with his lips against mine. I awoke from the dead and bloomed into something so beautiful I felt awed by the sight of it, something that had not existed until Ben Tyler walked into my world.
He pulled away before I was ready, but I couldn’t admit that. Not even to myself.
I met his unwavering gaze again and asked the question that had been burning brightest. “Why me, Ben? You could have anyone. You could have your pick of uncomplicated girls without kids and without dead husbands. You’re the whole package. Any girl would be lucky to be with you. I just… I don’t understand why you chose me.”
He didn’t hesitate. One of his hands came to rest on my waist, the other wrapped around the back of my neck. “You were not the only one that was lost when we met. I found something in you I had been looking for for a very long time.”
“What was that?”
“Myself,” he whispered.
I closed my eyes and struggled not to be swept away in his wake. “Ben…”
“Liz, I didn’t expect to fall for you, not like this… not so completely. And I never expected for you to fall for me too. But here we are. Let’s see where this goes. Let’s see how far left there is to fall.”
I nodded, unable to make the words form on my lips.
He pulled me against him. “Really?”
“I can’t say no to that.”
A satisfied grin broke across his face. “I figured.”
“You’re unforgivably cocky. You know that?”
“I have you to remind me.”
I have you… His words wrapped around my heart and held it together as the frantic pounding of it threatened to tear me apart.
His eyes darkened again and his lips turned down into a serious frown, “When this becomes too much tell me. All you have to do is tell me how you feel and I will help you, Liz. I know this won’t be easy. I know we’re asking a lot from each other. But I also know that it is worth it. We are worth it. But it will never work unless I know what you are thinking and how you feel. Alright?”
I nodded again, “Okay.”
“Tell me when it’s too much and I will back off. I promise you that.”
“Okay,” I repeated.
He watched my face for a few long moments before he dipped his head and trailed his nose along the curve of my jaw, placing a tender kiss just below my ear. “Okay,” he whispered against my skin.
And then he ravished me, right there on the cold tile of the entryway.
Just kidding. Then one of my children screamed bloody murder from the top of the stairs.
“I have to go check on her.” He took a step back and nodded. “Wait for me?”
His entire body relaxed. I watched him turn from carved stone to a man that could slay me with one of his heated looks. His shoulders relaxed and his limbs became tensile and familiar. “I’ll wait,” he promised on a low rumble.
I shivered and tried to ignore the fluttering feeling that I hadn’t felt in a very long time. Turning from him quickly, I raced up the stairs to check on Lucy.
She turned to face me when I flipped the hallway light on. Her little arms lifted, begging for a hug.
I scooped her up in my arms and pressed a kiss to her sweaty forehead. “Did you have a nightmare?”
She nodded against my cheek. “I miss my daddy!” she cried. “I want him to come home! I want my daddy!”
I tried to swallow against the lump in my throat. I had no words for this little one. I had no hope or promises to offer. All I could do was hold her tightly to my chest and cry with her.
I closed my eyes and snuggled back against her headboard. She changed positions and threw herself over me, wrapping her arms around my neck. “I want my daddy!” she continued to wail. “I want him to come home to me!”
“Shh,” I sung against her forehead. “Shh, Luce.”
“Mommy, where is he? Where did he go?”
“Lucy, you know where he went. You know this.”
She shook her head roughly against mine. “No.”
My sweet, sensitive Lucy. She had waited for Grady to come back for so long. But she had turned five over the winter and with that little bit of added maturity, reality had settled in. It was like grieving all over again as she slowly accepted the truth that her daddy was gone forever.
She ended up in my bed most nights now. Sometimes she had these awful nightmares and sometimes she woke up already in tears. I hated that she had to go through this again. I hated that my little Luce had to come to understand that her daddy was gone forever.
“Tell me where your daddy is, Lucy Kate,” I coaxed.
She continued to shake her head, her hair getting tangled in her tears. “In heaven,” she hiccupped. “He’s in h-h-h-heaven.”
“And is he ever coming back?”
Lucy cried harder, but we’d gone through this enough times by now that she did know the answer, “No!”
“But, Luce, does he still love us? Even though he’s way up in heaven?” My voice trembled and my tears mingled with hers. I hugged her tighter to me, needing her comfort as much as she needed mine.
“I don’t know,” she sniffled.
My chest ached as I rubbed her back and tried to force the words from my mouth, “He does, Lucy. He loves you so very much.”
“Then why did he leave?” she hiccupped.
“Oh, baby girl. He wanted to stay. So badly. But he got sick. And the doctor’s couldn’t make him better. He tried so very hard to stay with us. He did everything that he could.” Lucy cried harder as I rocked her gently.
Ben’s tall frame darkened the door. I didn’t look at him for a very long time. This had to be extremely awkward for him. He had just convinced me to date him and then he had to find me with one of my children, crying over my dead husband.
He walked over and sat at the end of the bed, jolting me out of my fear. He watched Lucy and me with a beautiful intensity. His furrowed brows and concerned frown tugged at my heart.
I had expected him to tell me that he was going to take off. I thought he would look at the two of us and be repulsed. If the child in my arms and the responsibility she represented wasn’t enough to scare him away, then it would have to be my tears. I was a wreck and I couldn’t make it stop or pretend like I had it together.
Yet, his hand squeezed my knee and settled there to offer some comfort. He didn’t run at the first sign of difficulty, he jumped in and held tight.
And somehow he managed to give me courage that I didn’t know I could find and he settled my spirit in a way I didn’t know was possible.
“Do you know that he loves you, Lucy?” I whispered to my little girl. “Do you know that he will always love you?” She nodded for the first time, sniffling and whimpering against my now-soaked t-shirt. “He loves you more than anything. He always will.”
“I miss him.” Her tiny voice was a broken whisper.
“I miss him, too.” Ben squeezed my knee again. I took a steadying breath and felt little pieces of my heart mend themselves back together. “But he’s still watching over us from heaven. He’ll never be far away. We just can’t see him anymore.”
Lucy wiggled in my arms until she lay cradled against me. She had gotten so big this year. Her legs dangled over the side of the bed, kicking a soothing rhythm. She reached up to play with some of my hair, wet from both of our tears.
“Is that why Ben is here?” Her words completely stunned me. My mind went blank. I tried to come up with some kind of explanation or excuse for why he’d walked into her bedroom late at night, but her next question proved that her thoughts were on a different track than mine. “Did Daddy send Ben to take care of us?”
My heart took on a frantic rhythm, pounding so loud I could barely hear my own voice when I answered, “Yes.”