Chapter Twenty-One
“Abby told me she’s the sun tonight?” My mom’s amusement rang clearly through the phone.
“I think it was her teacher’s idea of a joke. He cannot wait to get rid of her.”
“That cannot be true,” my mom tsked defensively. I loved her grandparent vision. But really… I was convinced that Mr. Hoya was counting down the minutes until he could officially be finished with Abby.
I had joined him. I couldn’t wait for the summer just around the corner. I could stop worrying about needing to get the kids to school on time and homework in the evenings. Our scheduled activities would all but disappear, except for a few fun leagues the kids wanted to play in with their friends.
I planned on using Ben’s pool as often as I could and actually getting a tan this summer. I had three months to cherish my children as they were until we started a new school year and they managed to grow up without me noticing. Summer always felt like a freeze frame. I could watch them closely and keep them near. When school started, it was a race to keep up with them.
And next year, Lucy would be starting kindergarten. Because obviously she had stopped loving me. Otherwise she wouldn’t go; she would stay home with me forever and not force me to watch her grow up.
“Sorry, Grandma; despite popular belief, Abigail is not a model student.”
My mom snickered on the other end, “I know better than that, don’t I?”
“You’ve got your grandparent goggles on again,” I laughed with her.
She paused for a moment, sucking in a fortifying breath. Finally, she said, “You sound happy, Lizbeth. You sound… okay.”
I stopped near the banister and gripped it so I wouldn’t tip over. She hadn’t said something like this to me since long before Grady died. She had known better.
But now her words rang out through the miles that separated us and I felt them inside of me, blooming with new life and a whole heart.
Was I happy? Somehow I was.
There were still bleak moments of darkness, moments I thought I could not survive. There were still tears shed and difficult decisions to make. There were still times when I failed… completely; when my children didn’t have what they needed or I didn’t manage to fulfill all of my responsibilities.
But this May was vastly, incomparably different than last May.
“I’m dating someone,” I whispered, afraid of her judgment.
I could feel her shock as if it were a physical thing. She didn’t say anything for a very long time and I started to worry that I should have dropped that bomb a little more delicately.
“You are?” she whispered back after another minute.
“I am.”
“The neighbor?” she guessed. “The snow shoveler?”
I smiled, “Yep, the snow shoveler.”
“Wow, Liz… Wow.” I waited patiently for her to come to terms with this. Ben and I had been dating for going on two months now and I still hadn’t come to terms with it. I couldn’t expect my mother to be okay with my new relationship after only a couple minutes.
There hadn’t been a lot of dates in our short relationship. I had four kids after all and Emma was my sister, not my nanny. Still, there had been nights when we’d snuck away and grabbed dinner or a movie.
The majority of our relationship happened around my house. He spent a lot of time with the kids and me during the evenings and on the weekend and he came over after the kids were in bed most nights to spend time with me alone.
I would worry about our time together and decide that I needed space, but then he would have work to do and I wouldn’t see him for a couple nights and I would realize how deep my attachment for him had grown.
I missed him when I wasn’t with him. My fingers itched to text him or call him and my spirit would wait for him to show up.
And when we were together?
He had been right. It was damn good.
We weren’t perfect people and our relationship was far from utopic, but he had been true to his word to be careful with me, to go slow.
Although slow was hard.
Very hard.
Sometimes I felt like a teenager again with how desperate his kisses could make me. He never pushed beyond that point though, never asked me to make our physical relationship as deep as our emotional one.
And most of the time I was thankful for that. But then he would kiss me into a frenzy. He would tease my senses and awaken desires I thought had gone dormant forever.
He would bring me back to life in every way and then he would settle me back into lazy contentedness, a lingering passion that made me stretch out like a happy cat and nuzzle into him.
I smiled a secret smile, remembering the feel of his hard body lengthened against mine, of his sensual hands exploring my body, of his breath mingling with mine as he tasted my lips and skin.
He was taking this slow, but my feelings for him seemed to accelerate with every minute spent with him. I should be afraid of that. I should be afraid of our connection and my deepening need for him.
But I couldn’t make myself stop this. My mom was right, I was happy. And I didn’t want to give up being happy to return to the darkness I had just escaped from.
“When did this happen?” she asked breathlessly.
“End of March,” I confessed. “We’re taking this very slow. But, I don’t know mom… This isn’t something I ever expected. I just… I like him.”
She sounded nothing short of awestruck, when she said, “You do?”
Guilt nagged in my gut, “I don’t want you to think that I stopped loving Grady or anything. I mean, obviously I still love him and I… it’s not like… I haven’t forgotten him or tried to forget him, I just-”
“Elizabeth,” my mom interrupted in a way that only my mother could, “I know. I know that this has nothing to do with Grady. I know you too well to bother with worrying about that. I’m just pleasantly surprised. That’s all.”
“Pleasantly surprised?”
“You’re so young, Lizzy. And those kids need a father figure. I just worried about you being all alone. I’m glad you’ve been able to step outside of your grief and get back to the land of the living.”
“I don’t think I ever left the land of the living,” I tried to joke, but it fell flat and lifeless.
“Sweetheart, you did. You checked out. And I don’t blame you for that. But I can feel your light again, your warmth. I don’t know Ben very well, but I’m thankful that he gave it back to you.”
“You know, we’ll probably break up at some point and I’ll drop dead again. You shouldn’t let your hopes get too high.”
She chuckled lightly, “I don’t think you would have started this if you expected that to happen. No matter what happens, your father and I will be here. We love you, you know.”
“I love you too, Mom. I’ve got to let you go though or Abby is going to miss her debut on center stage.”
“Give the kids kisses from your father and me!”
“I will. Talk to you soon.”
I clicked off the phone and sunk down onto the step. My mom’s words prickled at my skin. Was she right?
I knew things would eventually end with Ben. I expected them to. Eventually, he would want things from me that I couldn’t give him. We were just too different.
He wanted to start a family, but I already had one.
He wanted a wife, but I had already been one.
Ben wanted a fairytale, but I had been living in a nightmare.
We couldn’t work for much longer. So what then?
My blood turned to ice as I tried to process my life without Ben now. I couldn’t do it.
When Grady was first diagnosed, I had lots of horrible thoughts about what it would be like to lose him. Throughout his treatment and as the brain cancer worsened, I would often find time to simply sit and picture my life without my husband in it.
They weren’t pleasant thoughts by any means and they mostly left me furious and feeling lost. But eventually, I had to come to terms with those thoughts becoming reality.
Now, as I did the same thing and imagined my future as a single woman again… I couldn’t do it. My brain refused to picture my life without Ben in it.
My heart started pounding as I struggled to force myself back to those dark months when Grady was gone and I had no help, no hope and nothing to look forward to.
They must have traumatized me too much, because my conscious mind refused to go there. I laughed a little hysterically. It was crazy to think that Ben could have such an impact on me and my family.
I cared about him, but I didn’t love him like I loved Grady. I didn’t love him at all.
Right…?
“Mom, I can’t get this stupid thing on!” Abby called from upstairs, shaking me out of my spiraling confusion.
“Don’t put it on!” I shouted at her. “You’ll never fit in the car!” I ran up the stairs before she could rip apart her spring play costume and caught it halfway over her head. “We’ll throw it on as soon as we get there,” I panted as I tried to wrestle her out of the awkward costume. “Besides, isn’t it hot?”
“Duh,” she groaned. “It’s the sun.”
I pressed my lips together and failed at holding back a laugh. “And what a beautiful sun it is.”
She crossed her eyes at me until I tweaked her nose. Suddenly, she was thoughtful, “Do you think Mr. Hoya is punishing me for making him so mad this year?”
I leveled her with my best motherly gaze and prepared to say something inspiring. Instead, the truth came out, “It’s a very real possibility, Kiddo.”
She sighed, “I can’t wait for summer.”
“You and me both.”
Ben showed up five minutes later and helped me pack the kids into the minivan. Abby had won the non-speaking part of the happy sun while Blake had been given a more prestigious part. He had been cast as the poky little puppy in the elementary school’s rendition of The Poky Little Puppy.
We had been practicing lines for a month now. He was always confident and relaxed, but tonight he was obviously nervous. And I was just as nervous for him.
My heart clenched wishing that Grady could be here. Blake needed someone to give him some encouraging words. I didn’t count. Whatever I said was ignored because, well, I was the mom. And I needed Grady to be here to get me through this night. Both of my kids would be on stage. This seemed like something their father should see.
Ben dropped the older kids and me off at the door because we were running a little late- no surprise. I rushed them backstage, gave them big kisses in front of all of their friends and left them to the charge of teachers who got paid to yell at my kids.
“Hi, Liz,” a mom from Blake’s class stopped me in the hallway by putting her hand on my forearm.
I jerked to a stop. “Hi, Melissa,” I smiled at her. Blake and her son, Tanner, were good friends. A year ago, she’d had Blake over several times in an effort to help me out and distract Blake from his grief. Blake couldn’t be distracted and every time she saw me, I had been a walking train wreck. The playdates had stopped over the summer.
I hadn’t talked to her all year.
“How are you?” Melissa asked in that nasally, dragging tone people think sounds sympathetic.
“I’m alright,” I answered honestly. “How are you and the family doing?”
“Oh, we’re good,” she smiled brightly. “Tanner is so excited for summer. I can hardly get him to focus on homework!”
“I know what you mean.” I tried to stay engaged, but something had happened to me after Grady died. And I supposed after I forged my friendship with Ben. I had very little patience for superficial these days. I simply couldn’t stomach it.
These lives we lived were a gift and precious and so short. I wanted to spend my time authentically, surrounded by people I truly loved. I knew there was a time and place for small talk and it wasn’t as though I wanted to get into something deep with Melissa before the play… but it was hard to listen to her fake laugh while my family waited for me in the auditorium.
“So, listen,” Melissa started. “I know we haven’t seen a lot of Blake lately, but Tanner has been begging to have him over now that he’s, well, you know… better. So I was thinking-”
“There you are,” Ben appeared at my side. He slid his long arm around my shoulder and pulled me against him.
My cheeks bloomed bright red and I tried not to be skittish. “Hey, where are the kids?”
“With your sister. Katherine and Trevor got here early to save us seats.” All of his attention focused on me. His sincere eyes watched my face carefully; his arm wrapped around my body and shielded me from the dangers of elementary school parents.
If I cared about Melissa’s opinion of me, I would have desperately wanted to explain this to her. And I couldn’t deny the shame and embarrassment that mingled in my chest. I wanted to run away or shove Ben out the front door and tell him to wait for me in the car.
I closed my eyes and shook my head. It wouldn’t make sense to anyone else that I had seemingly moved on already.
But the truth was, I hadn’t moved on. I couldn’t have explained it to others if I wanted to. I still very much grieved Grady. Ben was just… Ben. A man I couldn’t say no to and a relationship I didn’t want to let go.
And Melissa was not my friend nor did she deserve an explanation.
That did not lessen my urgency to get to my seat where she could stop judging me with her curious eyes.
“I’m Melissa,” she interjected anyway. Her hand shot out to take Ben’s. “I’m the room parent for Blake’s class.”
“Hi, Melissa.” Ben shook her hand but didn’t offer any more details about himself.
Melissa’s wide gaze shot to me. I nearly laughed. “I’ll call you about the play date,” I told her. I left her to watch after us as we walked back toward the entrance to the auditorium.
I groaned as soon as we were far enough away from her and leaned into Ben, pushing him sideways. “She’s going to go run and tell all the other mom’s I brought a gigolo to the spring play.”
“Do I look like a gigolo?” Ben sounded truly alarmed.
I started laughing, I couldn’t hold it back. It started in my stomach and worked its way through the rest of my body. I had to stop walking and prop myself against the wall, too hysterical to hold myself up on my own.
Ben put his hand on my shoulder and chuckled with me, although his wasn’t quite the full-body laugh that mine was.
“Are you okay?” he asked after another minute. “I didn’t mean to make you the center of gossip. I can go tell that woman I’m your cousin from out of town if that would help.”
“Oh, god, don’t do that!” I stood up and slid my hands to his waist. “That would severely back fire on me. Can you imagine if we’re still together next fall? Then they’d really talk. I can only imagine those rumors.”
“We will be.” His voice was so serious that I had to look up at him. He stared at me intently, searching my eyes and my expression for something I didn’t know if I could give him. “Liz, this isn’t a fling. You know that, right?”
“I know you think that, but-”
He slid his fingertips along my cheek until he cupped my face with one of his big hands. “Liz, I know this isn’t a fling.” He dipped his head, bringing his lips only an inch from mine. “And you do too.”
My eyes fluttered closed when he kissed me. I couldn’t help it. This was the worst place for him to kiss me, but we were mostly alone in the hallway. The rest of the hustle and bustle had moved into the auditorium, ready for the play to start.
I had too many doubts to believe that Ben and I could be long term. Until he kissed me like this. His tongue swept across my bottom lip and then dipped into my mouth for a sweet taste. Our mouths pressed together in a sensual meeting that left me breathless and warm even though it was brief.
He pulled back and hit me with one of his intense looks. “Not a fling,” he reiterated.
I bit my lip, hoping to savor him for just a moment longer and shook my head at him. I couldn’t analyze his words or his kiss or the fact that he had just very publically kissed me. We might not have had a large audience, but we had enough. Word would spread.
I didn’t know how to feel and so I decided to think about it later. I wanted to enjoy my kids tonight, not obsess over potentially negative thoughts. And so I decided to enjoy this moment with him and not stress.
Well, until we turned toward the auditorium and found Katherine waiting for us near the doors. My stomach plummeted while I tried to read her gaze. Ben’s hand reached for mine and squeezed tightly, urging me to be brave… to be confident.
I tilted my chin and promised myself I would talk to Katherine about Ben… soon. If she brought it up.
She didn’t say a word to me or Ben as she led us to our seats. In fact, she didn’t say a word to me for the rest of the night.
I might have been able to suppress my concern of Blake and Abby’s friends’ parents finding out I was seeing someone now, but I could not ignore Katherine’s cold stare or icy behavior.
Luckily, there was enough going on to distract me. Blake played an amazing Poky Puppy. He remembered all of his lines and hammed it up to the audience. His dad would have been so very proud of him.
And Abby played her part as the sun exactly how I thought she would- grumpy. She snapped at the flowers and kicked a bone all the way across stage. She was awful. And it was so adorable I stood up at the end of the play and gave her a standing ovation. Mr. Hoya got exactly what he asked for. Abby’s dad would have been so very proud of her too.
Although you could never get me to say that out loud.