Loud Love (Soundgarden)
Edinburgh University
Elliot kept a firm hold on Lily’s hand as he pulled her through the writhing bodies in the dimly lit house. Her heart pounded in her chest as they stepped over and around people. As she glanced around the unfamiliar surroundings, she gulped. Couples were making out in full view of everyone else. Some were indiscreetly groping each other’s privates, which shocked Lily to the core. The room smelled of alcohol and other things that she didn’t wish to acknowledge.
Elliot had informed her that his friend, Jacko, was holding the party at the house he shared with several other young adults. None of them were students and she wondered how on earth Elliot knew them. Apparently the parties were notorious for their raucous music and free flowing alcohol. She shivered with a combination of excitement and fear.
She was being rebellious.
If Adam could go out and find someone, so could she. And Elliot was gorgeous, thin and sinewy, but muscular at the same time. His long curly mane and his resemblance to her biggest crush were helping her attraction in spades. When he kissed her, she felt a rush of heat to places as yet untouched by men. He made her feel good but she didn’t love him. She doubted she ever could. This was purely a physical attraction.
Eventually, they made their way through to a kitchen where a stocky, tattooed man greeted them.
“Elliot, my man!” Jacko slapped him on the back and then set his eyes on Lily. “Who’s your gorgeous girl?”
“Jacko this is my girlfriend, Lily. Hot isn’t she?” Elliot squeezed her into him and kissed the top of her head. She felt a little strange about his possessive actions, and his words for that matter. They hadn’t known each other that long.
Jacko reached out and shook Lily’s hand. “She certainly is, my friend. It’s a pleasure, Lily. Any friend of Elliot’s is a friend of mine.”
She shook his hand. “Likewise, Jacko. Busy place you’ve got here.” She laughed as she was jostled forward by beer hungry folks, who were all clambering for the keg, which sat upon the kitchen countertop.
“Certainly is. My parties are always popular. Can’t think why.” He laughed as he handed out plastic cups filled with what smelled like cheap ale or home brew. Lily liked him immediately. His warm eyes made her feel at ease and his ink fascinated her. She would one day have a tattoo, she decided.
Elliot led her, beer in hand, through to a lounge lit with low wattage lamps covered in red scarves, which gave the room a strange glow. There were bodies all over the place just like the rest of the house. She sipped the beer and winced. Eugh! Not going to be drinking much of that stuff.
Elliot turned to her and took her beer. He placed it with his own on the cheap-looking, nineteen seventies sideboard that was situated just inside the room. Soundgarden’s Loud Love boomed out over the sound system. Not breaking eye contact, he leaned and kissed her. At first the kiss was gentle, but as need coursed through her veins, she grabbed for him to deepen the kiss. He eagerly reciprocated, fisting his hands in her hair. She felt a familiar throbbing between her legs as she did every time their lips locked.
Leaning into her ear he spoke huskily, “Want to come upstairs?”
She did. She really did. But she thought perhaps her first time shouldn’t be in a house packed full of other people doing the same thing. She scrunched her brow and thought on it before peering up into Elliot’s eyes.
He leaned into her again. “Look, I’m not going to pressure you or anything… I just… God, I want you. That’s all. You have an amazing body and…well, I really want to be inside you. I hope that doesn’t sound too crude?” He cringed. “I know you’re not that kind of girl. And I’m not actually that kind of guy. You’d only be my third. I…I just really want you.” He stroked her cheek with the back of his hand, his eyes hooded with lust.
It wasn’t the most romantic thing she had ever heard, and she didn’t quite believe that she’d only be his third, but hearing his words did spike something inside her. She pulled him down for another deep kiss and felt her legs weaken. She was under no illusions that this was anything more than lust. Feeling that way made things a little easier. She knew her heart was safe.
Well, actually her heart was in a million pieces already thanks to the small matter of her unrequited love.
Elliot took her hand and led her towards the stairs. Again, they clambered over couples on the staircase deep in the throes of groping and openly kissing with tongues. At the top of the stairs, they were presented with several doors. He seemed to know where he was taking her as he opened the second door to the right along the corridor. He poked his head around the door and flicked on a light. The room was tidy and looked remarkably clean considering where they were. Posters of heavy metal bands adorned the walls and a black fake fur comforter lay stretched at the end of the double bed. Nervously, Lily stood glancing around as he closed the door and slid the bolt across.
He turned to face her and smiled warmly. “Hey…you look nervous.”
“Elliot, we’ve only been seeing each other a short time and I’ve never done… Look, this may sound crazy, but I’m still a virgin.”
He approached her and took her face in his hands. “There’s no pressure. Let’s just take things slow. If we don’t go all the way, then that’s fine. I just wanted to be alone with you for a while.” He leaned and kissed her again.
She knew exactly what he wanted and thought she wanted it too but couldn’t help wondering if her rebellious streak was perhaps getting out of hand. But she was over twenty now and an adult capable of making her own decisions. Most of her friends had been having sex for ages. She’d been waiting, but all the waiting in the world wasn’t going to get her the man she actually wanted.
She kissed Elliot back deeply and felt the throbbing between her thighs again. He slid his hand up her top and fondled her breast, making her moan with pleasure. He pressed himself against her, and the firmness of his arousal pushed hard against her thigh. She breathed in sharply as he kissed her neck. Her eyes closed as she relished the sensations taking over her body.
He walked her backwards over to the bed and pulled her down with him. When they were lying down, he slid his hand down and pulled up her skirt until his fingers were pressing her sensitive spot. She wantonly pushed herself against his hand as he circled her over her panties.
He gazed into her eyes. “Lily…please let me. I’ll be gentle, I promise.” His pupils were dilated and his eyelids were heavy. Without really thinking it through, she nodded her head. After fumbling around in his pocket for a condom, he pulled his jeans down slightly and rolled it on. He tugged her panties down her legs and off, and in a moment he was moving inside of her. She felt a searing pain and cried out. He swore under his breath and stopped moving. “Sorry, Lily, are you…are you okay? Should I pull out?”
“No, I’m fine…keep going…it’s fine.” She gasped, keeping her eyes closed and biting down on her lip. It was awful. Not at all how she had wanted things to be. She had dreamed of sharing this moment and her virginity with Adam, but she knew that realistically it was never going to happen.
Elliot kissed her and stroked her face and she opened her eyes to briefly stare up into his lust-filled gaze. He came with a final thrust and repeated her name over and over, peppering her face with wet kisses.
She felt numb and wished she could erase what had just happened, along with changing her name.
Once his breathing had calmed, he pulled himself away and rid himself of the condom.
He rolled over to her again and kissed her. “Lily…I…I know it’s really soon and I know I’m going to make a total idiot out of myself, but I think I should tell you something. I really, really like you…a lot… I think there’s a good chance I’ll fall for you if we keep doing that.”
Lily gulped. A stray tear trailed down her cheek and into her hair. She wasn’t sure she wanted to do that again with him. He had been sweet and as gentle as possible when taking someone’s virginity, but she felt disappointed with herself for giving it so willingly and with so little consideration.
She rolled to face him. “That’s really sweet, Elliot. I’m just…I’m not there yet. I’m getting over someone—”
“Don’t explain. It’s fine. I get it. Do you think there’s any chance your feelings might change though?”
She forced a smile. “Maybe,” she lied.
A grin spread across his face. “That’ll do for now. I can wait.” He kissed her again. “Come on, we’d better get back to the party. The bathroom is just next door if you want to…you know…clean up. I’ll wait outside for you.”
She made her way into the bathroom and found a pack of baby wipes. She cleaned herself up and looked at her flushed reflection and messed up hair in the mirror above the toilet. “You idiot.” She chastised herself, feeling angry and even more disappointed now that she could look herself in the eyes. “You stupid, stupid idiot.”
She had just handed her virginity over to someone she didn’t love, just so that she could rid herself of it like she would discard an old item of clothing she no longer liked, as if it meant nothing. Elliot had been lovely but the earth didn’t move. There had been no orgasm for her. And now the throbbing of desire between her legs had been replaced with something she didn’t want to acknowledge. She dragged her fingers through her wild curls and took a few deep breaths hoping to fend off the tears that were stinging her eyes. No point regretting it now. What’s done is done.
When she opened the bathroom door, Elliot pushed off the wall and circled her in his arms. “Thank you, Lily. It meant a lot to know I was your first.” He kissed her and she let him. “I hope we can do it again and maybe that you’ll enjoy it more. You didn’t really enjoy it, did you?” He cringed.
“It was…nice.” It was her turn to cringe now. Elliot shook his head at her words and looked upset. “Elliot, honestly, it was never going to be mind-blowing for me, was it? Not the first time.” She squeezed his arm, trying her best to be reassuring.
“I guess…I just hate that your first time was…just nice. I’m sorry, Lily. It should have been better. You didn’t even…you know.” He looked awkward as he hugged her tight. That’s because you didn’t even try. She searched for the right words, but none came, so she just hugged him back. He assured her, “It’ll be better next time. I promise.”
There won’t be a next time.
♥♥♥
Saturday morning arrived and presented Lily with the throbbing head usually associated with the overindulgence of alcohol. Elliot had dropped her off at her room at one o’clock in the morning after she had ended up consuming too much of the rancid tasting, brown liquid that Jacko was passing off as beer. She had drunk the vile concoction solely to rid herself of the memory of what she had done.
After giving up their bar work for the summer, she and Adam had vowed to go job hunting again, and Saturday was supposed to be the day. It had been arranged for a while, but they hadn’t confirmed things recently, so she was surprised when there was a knock on the door while she lay there feeling like someone had carpeted her tongue with second-hand shag pile as she’d slept. She clambered out of bed dressed only in an old, faded, oversized Ramones T-shirt that had once belonged to Adam.
“Morning!” he trilled as she opened the door. His greeting was quickly followed by a sharp intake of breath. “Shit you look rough. What happened?” He pushed in and plonked himself down on her unmade bed.
She yawned and stretched her arms over her head. “Beer and loud music.”
Adam suddenly averted his eyes. “Er, Lily, I know we’re best friends, but all you have on under that T-shirt is a pair of flimsy knickers. I am a bloke you know.”
She dropped her arms quickly and felt heat rise in her cheeks. “Whoops, sorry.” She cringed, grabbing a pair of yoga pants, and pulling them on as quickly as she could. “So, how did your first official date with Eve go?” Not that I actually want to know.
A grin spread across his handsome features. “Oh, Lil, it was fantastic. We kissed.”
Her heart sank a little but she forced a smile. “Oh great. That’s really…great.”
He frowned, causing a familiar crease between his brows. “How was your night? Did you go to that house party?”
She nodded and plastered on a fake smile. “I did…it was really…yeah…good. Elliot’s really sweet.”
He laughed coldly. “Sweet? That’s not a word I would’ve associated with him. Just be careful okay? He’s the kind of guy who you don’t want to be handing yourself over to. I…I don’t trust him.”
She pulled her brow into a frown and gasped. “You don’t even know him, Adam. You can’t say things like that.” She folded her arms across her braless chest defiantly.
“Look, like I just said, I’m a bloke. I know what he’s after. And I just don’t think you should go giving it to him.”
She felt the heat rising in her cheeks again and her hands fisted on her hips. “Yeah…well…that’s…you… It’s…it’s none of your business who I…” She shook her head as she stumbled over her words, the right ones evading her completely.
His mouth fell open and his cheeks coloured. “Please tell me you didn’t?”
She turned her back on him and folded her arms once again. “Didn’t what? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He blew out a long breath as if he was trying to calm a rage. When he spoke again, his voice was quiet and controlled. “You know exactly what I’m talking about. Tell me you didn’t sleep with him.” They had always agreed it was better to wait until you were in love before you gave yourself to someone. Adam was very old-fashioned that way and Lily had always thought it very sweet. She could almost feel his eyes boring into her back.
Her cheeks warmed to the point where they could burst into flames at any second. She had never been able to lie to Adam. Not successfully.
She swung around to face him and narrowed her eyes as anger at his judgmental attitude twisted her insides. “Well, Adam, what I can confirm is that there wasn’t any sleeping involved.” Shutupshutupshutup! Not helping yourself!
He stood and walked over to her, his fists clenched at his sides, and a pained look had taken over his usually warm eyes. “You didn’t?” She remained stoic. He dragged his hands through his hair and groaned as if she had kicked him. “Oh fuck, Lily, why? What did you do that for? Do you have feelings for him? Seriously? Fucking Pippy Longstocking?” The pain in his eyes turned to disappointment and he shook his head.
She gritted her teeth. “His name is Elliot Longthorne, Adam, and it is none of your business. So I had sex? So what? I enjoyed it,” she lied. Her words were meant to hurt him as the anger both at her and Adam bubbled to the surface. “It was great and I’ll be doing a lot more of it with or without your blessing. I’m an adult, remember? Now if you’re going to stand there being all Judgy Judgerson, then I suggest you fuck off out of my room!” she shouted pointing to the door.
He shook his head as he turned and walked out, slamming the door behind him.
She let out an angry guttural scream and punched her mattress.