Chapter 12

No one is more full of shit than a parent who just uttered the word ‘maybe.’

-Fact of Life

Krisney

I was an emotional mess.

Reed had left over an hour ago, but nothing had been settled. Nothing had been decided. Hell, the subject of our future hadn’t even come up. We were literally at the exact same point that we were before any of this started, except that I was now pregnant with twins.

Sure, we were having regular sex.

We’d been seeing each other a lot, but most of that time was spent with him inside me, not talking in the least.

The one and only time I’d had the courage to ask him what was going on with us, he’d looked so conflicted that I didn’t bring it up again.

But his words that day had felt like they were torn straight from his heart.

"I can't do that to them,” he'd whispered all those years ago. "To her."

And he had been right. No matter what, I knew that seeing me would dredge up old memories for his family. They may say that it didn’t, but they'd be lying.

I was a constant reminder of what they lost. And even worse, I was all that was left of the person who had caused their family so much grief. I may not have personally had anything to do with what my brother did to Reed’s sister, but I was the only one left they could blame, and I was sure that they did.

It was my brother’s horrific actions that took something precious from the Hail family. Reed, Dante, Travis, Finley, all of them, including his parents. Jay’s sins were mine as his sister, even though I may not have been the one sneaking into Amy’s room at night.

It might as well have.

I was riddled with guilt. Some days, it felt like it was eating me alive. Burning me up inside and slowly killing something inside of me.

I'd tried to leave once before. Tried to get out of here and not look back.

That'd been my reasoning for wanting to join the Navy. It’d also been my reasoning for joining the Army when I heard that Reed had.

I'd needed to get away from all the ghosts that were haunting me.

The reason Reed's sister was dead was because of Jay. But, if I were being honest, I should've told someone with authority what was going on. What had happened to me.

My mom hadn't been enough. I should've gone to the police. Someone. Anyone.

My mother and Jay...they had a relationship that was like none I'd ever seen. The type where I knew, without any shadow of a doubt, that she would protect Jay. She'd side with him, regardless of whether or not what he was doing was wrong, because she believed her son could do no wrong.

When my mother had learned what Jay had done to me, she'd laughed in my face.

Laughed. In. My. Face.

She thought I was trying to get him in trouble because I had to clean up the bathroom when it wasn't my day.

She'd blamed me. Said I should stop playing around.

And when I explained to her that I wasn't joking or kidding at all—who the hell joked about their brother touching them inappropriately—she'd taken away my allowance. Told me that I didn't deserve it.

But, shortly after his freshman year had begun, something changed. Something happened that made him angry all the time. And something that caused a switch to flip inside of him, turning him into someone I didn't recognize.

It wouldn't be until I was in high school with him that I'd see what was going on at school. How he was bullied, ridiculed and treated like a pariah.

But, at that point, he'd been coming into my room at every night for a long time. I no longer cared what happened to him.

All the love that I'd once had for my brother had died.

All of my friends had disappeared, too. At least all of them but two. The ones that had stuck with me even when I’d tried my best to push everyone away.

I didn't have the best attitude.

I wasn't an easy friend to have.

It literally took everything Hennessy had to hold onto me that year. But, that was likely due to the fact that she was having her own problems at home. Problems that meant she was just as standoffish as I was at times.

Laryn had been trying to get me to spend time with her for a while, and the day that I'd finally relented, I met Reed.

Reed didn't know it, but he'd changed my life. He'd been the person who stopped me from withdrawing further into my shell. A shell I’d erected around me to keep all the pain at bay.

It also helped that my brother had started spending more time with Reed's brother, Tobias.

And, in turn, Reed's sister, Amy. He hadn’t been inappropriate with Amy for their entire friendship. Lusting after her hadn’t been enough and he started sneaking into her bed during the sleepovers.

If I had once suspected what was he was doing to Amy, I would've spoken up. I would've said something. Gone to the police. The grocery store manager that always asked me how I was doing. Hell, even the freaking shoe shop girl who looked at me like she could see through me. Like she knew something was wrong behind my fake smiles and even faker words.

Because had I known that Jay was doing some of the same things to Amy that he'd been doing to me, I wouldn't have stayed silent. I wouldn't have acted like everything was normal. I'd have said something.

Because I was like Amy. I'd experienced that for myself. Felt the horror of it and had thought, before I met Reed, about taking my life just like Amy had. That maybe it'd be easier to just stop living.

I'd been fourteen when Tobias and Jay had become best friends.

He'd changed everything, and again, he didn't even know it. Jay had started looking at Amy and stopped coming into my room.

What would he do if he had known? Would Amy still be alive? Would Jay?

Shuddering at the possibility of Jay still being here, and even possibly my parents, I got up and went in search of my dog.

I found him in the kitchen, staring longingly at the front door which Reed had disappeared through only hours before.

“Seriously?” I asked

Pepé Le Pew, or Pepé as he was better known, glanced at me over his shoulder, unimpressed.

“I don’t know why you like him so much,” I told him. “Seriously, you’re my dog. Mine. He doesn’t bathe you or bring you puppy cookies every day of your life.”

He didn’t answer me, he just turned his head back toward the door.

“Shit,” I muttered under my breath. “Let’s go.”

The dog was definitely keeping me moving, even if I wanted nothing more than to lie on the couch and veg out while watching the newest season of Game of Thrones.

It was like he was keeping me from becoming a complete couch potato, thankfully.

When Pepé first saw Reed…it was rather heartbreaking. Almost like a child seeing his father for the first time after a long deployment.

Pepé had been ecstatic, and I think he might have actually fainted for a few seconds.

I hadn’t realized that dogs fainted, but I’m pretty sure mine sure did the moment he saw Reed.

So yeah, that was heartbreaking to say the least.

It was as if Reed hadn’t been gone for most of his life. It was as if they were best friends, all freakin’ over again.

Shaking my head at the prospect of Pepé loving Reed more than me, I went to my bedroom, slipped on a pair of shorts—also Reed’s that I’d taken back from Hennessy once I’d realized that my shorts were no longer a possibility—and found an old pair of tennis shoes.

Once I was dressed, I grabbed my purse, left my phone, and gestured to Pepé. “Let’s go!”

He didn’t need convincing.

We arrived at the new place fifteen minutes later, leaving me with an excitement that I hadn’t felt since Reed had left.

This place…this place was—had always been—one of my favorite places in the world to go.

“Where do you want to go this time?” I asked my little dog.

He was looking this way and that, before deciding to take a path that led to the right and then back behind the house.

“Pepé, wait,” I called to him.

He did, sitting down on his furry little hiney as he waited for me to get my shit together.

I swallowed, once again assaulted with the memories of this place.

It’d always been run down and abandoned.

But now that it was mine? Yeah, I couldn’t wait to make it what Reed and I had always talked about—a happy place for our non-existent children at the time. It was going to be our home. It was going to be everything we’d ever imagined it would be.

It may be mine without Reed now, but at least I knew that it had once been a dream of both of ours.

Sighing, I started winding my way through the tall grass, following sedately behind Pepé, letting him explore while I looked at the world around me.

We’d gone about a half a mile when a weird chink sounded, like metal on metal, followed shortly by Pepé’s high-pitched yelp.

And once again, my life tilted on its axis.

***

Hands stinging, I rushed into the veterinarian and, tears streaming down my face, cried out in panic.

“Dr. Castleberry!”

My eyes scanned the room the minute I rushed inside, and I saw him the moment my eyes swept over the front area where my friend, Lark, was sitting filling out some sort of paperwork.

I immediately rushed forward.

Dr. Castleberry abruptly turned into business mode, walking forward and bypassing everyone in the waiting room for me.

I held my heart out and hoped he was able to save him.

“What happened?” the old doc asked.

I went to wipe my eyes, but stopped when I saw the blood on my hands.

“The land I just bought has a bunch of old game traps on the property. On our walk today, Pepé stepped on one.” I moaned, feeling like something was lodged deeply in the back of my throat. “I had to use a stick to get him out, but he struggled.”

My stomach dropped, remembering again how my poor baby had struggled.

“Got it.” The old doc barked, “Marissa. OR one. Now.”

With that the two left, taking my deathly still puppy with them.

That’s when I noticed that Lark was coming closer, gesturing me forward with her hands.

Lark cleaned up my arms and shirt as best as she could, but it was a futile effort. Something more than a simple wiping needed to be done—like throwing the shirt away completely. There was no way that all of this blood was coming out of the shirt. My favorite shirt of all time. The one and only shirt that I’d kept.

Goddammit.

I was starting to hyperventilate.

“Come back here and let’s get your hands washed up.” Lark snapped her fingers at me, making me blink in surprise.

I swallowed and nodded, my eyes going to the bloody paper towels in Lark’s hand.

“Okay.”

“Tell me about Pepé,” she said, trying to get my mind out of my own personal hell.

“Pepé Le Pew.” I sniffled and walked to the large basin she’d indicated and washed my hands, ignoring the pain in them. “I got him when I was sixteen. Actually, Reed and I…err…I adopted him from the animal shelter. He was the cutest little thing. He’s gone everywhere with me. Seen the world with me. He’s my constant companion.” I looked down at the blood swirling down the drain. “I can’t do it without him.”

“Do you want me to call Hennessy?”

Though I’d heard the words, I couldn’t reply. My heart was shattering in a million tiny pieces.

“I’m all alone,” I whispered painfully.

She touched my arm. “I’ll go check on him. Bring you an update, okay?”

I nodded.

But I knew it was a useless effort on her part.

Pepé was gone.

Maybe not yet, but it wouldn’t be long.

He’d lost a lot of blood. Too much blood.

And his poor body.

Had he been a bigger dog, the trap would’ve only taken his leg.

But this trap had been big, and my Pepé had been small.

So, so small.

Too small.

My little guy had always been small.

His size had been why I’d picked him at the shelter that day, all of those years ago.

***

12 ½ years ago

“You think my dad will let me keep him?” I whispered, looking down at the tiny puppy in my arms.

Reed shrugged. “Honestly? If he doesn’t let you keep him, then we’ll just take him to my apartment. I have a pet clause, but it’s one hundred and fifty bucks.”

I nodded, feeling a little giddy.

But later, as my mother stood there, looking at the dog, I realized my mistake.

She found something that I wanted and that meant that she could control me easier.

The fight that I’d had with my mother had been epic, but I got to keep the dog. Although, there were rules. One, I had to pay for the dog food. Two, I couldn’t allow him to bark. Three, if he started to tear the house up, then he’d be gone.

Little did my mother know that Pepé would end up being the absolute perfect dog, and the only thing that stayed with me when I needed someone the most.