I WISH MOM were here.
I knew I shouldn’t say it.
But it slipped out.
I’d gotten my period. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t have money to buy what I needed. I had to ask him for money. He’d asked what for. I’d been too embarrassed to tell him.
I thought how much easier it would be if she’d never left us.
And it slipped out.
He screamed at me.
I could still hear his voice screaming in my ears as the pain started to recede and the darkness came for me.
Blissful darkness.
“STOP!” I thought I heard Carla scream.
But that was the last thing I heard as the black overwhelmed me.
* * *
My eyes flew open, adjusting to the darkness and revealing my bedroom. My heart started to calm as I remembered where I was and how old I was.
I was no longer twelve years old and lying on the floor of my father’s trailer as he beat me to near death.
That was the last thing I ever said to him—“I wish Mom were here.”
My chest hurt so bad with the memories, and I let the tears loose in hopes that it would relieve the ache. I wish Mom were here. Those fateful words led me to her, but when I got her I didn’t know what to do with her except not trust her.
I squeezed my eyes closed, not wanting to think about our complicated relationship. I just wanted to sleep and wake up on Sunday and do nothing.
Not think of him or her or Finn.
* * *
It took me hours to fall back to sleep.
And all I did was think of them.
* * *
There didn’t seem to be any negative change to Eloise’s usual demeanor at all that morning. I had to assume that Finn hadn’t said anything to her or decided to oust me from the group for my knowledge.
As for me, I was completely determined to act indifferent around Finn and just get on with life as I knew it at Tobias Rochester.
I fully believed that I could ignore what I knew.
And then I saw him.
He sat, head bent, at his desk in our Microeconomics class, and at the sight of him I felt this rush of emotion wash over me. I think it was affection.
Confused, uncomfortable, I followed Eloise and the girls in and sat down without saying hello to the guys.
“You’re quiet this morning.”
I studied my desk. It was the first time I’d noticed there wasn’t a scratch on it. Back at my old school the desks were covered with unoriginal epigrams such as “I was here.” But not at Tobias Rochester. Oh, no. Kids weren’t allowed to act like “vandals.”
I felt something bounce off the back of my head and turned sharply around in the direction of the originating trajectory of the offending missile.
Gabe was grinning at me. “I said, you’re quiet this morning.”
“So you decided to hit me with—” I glanced down at the floor “—an eraser.”
“Well, you didn’t respond when I spoke to you. Physical assault seemed like the appropriate next step.”
I rolled my eyes and turned back around, pretending not to care that Finn was staring determinedly at his desk, ignoring the interaction.
“That’s it? That’s all I’m getting? An eye roll.” When I didn’t respond Gabe gave this dramatic intake of breath. “Did your California boyfriend visit you this weekend? Is that why I’m suddenly persona non grata?”
I glanced over my shoulder. “Yes, that’s exactly right. He found out about our secret love and threatened to maim you. I’m trying to save your life by ignoring you, so do me a favor and go along with it.” I sighed and looked back up front, relieved to see our teacher walk into the room.
“You know your sassiness drives me crazy, Maxwell,” Gabe murmured flirtatiously.
“You are driving me crazy.” Eloise twisted around in her seat to huff at him. “Learn to read between the lines. She’s not in the mood. Leave her alone.”
Grateful, I shot her a look, hoping she could read my expression. If she did she didn’t acknowledge it, just turned back around to focus on our teacher.
When class ended Finn leaned down to kiss Eloise on the cheek before leaving, something he didn’t usually do. She seemed surprised by it, but when he marched out of the room without speaking to anyone I saw her expression change to concern. I looked away before she could make eye contact with me and work out I was the reason for Finn’s frostiness with everyone but her.
Things were even chillier in Modern European History. With none of our group there as buffers the atmosphere between us was horrible. I’d experienced unfriendliness when I first arrived at Tobias Rochester, but back then I hadn’t cared on an emotional level. I’d cared on a social and academic level.
Now I cared emotionally.
I didn’t want to.
But I hated that Finn was giving me the cold shoulder.
In fact, I’d go so far to say that it killed.
Franklin had decided we were working on our oral presentations since we had to present those at the end of the week. Finn’s whole body had locked up tight when I moved my desk closer to his so we could work together. He wouldn’t make eye contact with me. His words were toneless. He flinched when our hands brushed.
I felt rejected.
My chest ached the whole time I sat next to him.
As he avoided looking at me, I felt like screaming at him to see me, the urge bubbling up under my skin, making my toes curl in my shoes in agitation. I saw him. I think he was the first person I’d ever truly seen and I couldn’t help it—I wanted him to see me, too.
I wanted to be his friend.
That desire made me feel small. Like a little girl all over again.
Stop!
You don’t need him.
But it was hard to remember that when I’d finally found someone who could truly understand me, and who I could truly understand. And I’ll admit it now, even before I knew about the horrible thing we shared, I’d felt drawn to Finn in a way I’d never felt drawn to another person.
I gazed sadly at his face.
Didn’t he feel drawn to me in return?
How was it possible for me to feel so strongly and not have him feel it back?
The bell rang suddenly and I flinched as Finn’s chair screeched away from his desk. I could do nothing but watch in stunned silence as he packed up his things at superspeed and bolted out of the classroom before I could even move a pinkie finger.
I stared down at my desk, fighting a sudden and very weird urge to cry.
“India, are you okay?”
My head jerked up at Franklin’s voice. He stood over me, brows pulled together in concern.
“I’m fine,” I said, and got up slowly.
Franklin didn’t look convinced. “Is everything all right between you and Finn? Are you going to be able to do this presentation together?”
He saw too much.
I gave him a twisted smile. “We’ll get the presentation done, Mr. Franklin.”
“Okay.” He nodded slowly and stepped back.
That’s when I realized the entire class had gone.
How long had I been staring blankly at my desk after Finn walked out?
“You know if you ever need to talk I’m here.”
“Thanks. Really. But I’m fine.”
But I wasn’t fine.
I dreaded lunch period.
* * *
“Where’s Finn?” Charlotte said as she and I took our seats at the center table in the cafeteria.
Eloise’s expression was blank and I was beginning to wonder if she used her blank face to hide behind when she was particularly upset or concerned about something. “He went with the seniors on his row crew to Lulu’s.”
Lulu’s was a coffee shop near the school where the seniors liked to have lunch.
“He’s acting strange,” Charlotte said. “Did something happen?”
“Not that I’m aware of.”
Gabe grunted. “Something happened. He’s got extra broody eyebrows today.”
Joshua shot him an annoyed look. “You know how much pressure his father puts him under. He’s probably just had a bad weekend.”
You can say that again.
It was my understanding from the knowing looks exchanged that if Finn’s friends didn’t know about his father’s physical abuse (and I had more than an inkling that they didn’t), then they knew of his father’s “intensity.”
Eloise noted my interest in the conversation before saying primly, “Let’s talk about something else. Charlotte, how was your date with Lawrence?”
I ignored them as Charlotte described her tedious date with the son of a diplomat. A date that she’d been more than excited about last Friday. Gabe had teased her mercilessly about Lawrence and how boring the guy was, and was enjoying his “I told you so” moment way too much.
But I didn’t care about Charlotte’s disappointment right then, or Gabe’s smug jokes about being right.
I cared about Finn avoiding me. Too much.
“Excuse me,” I muttered, not capable of sitting among them feeling the way that I did. I stood up with my tray of food.
“Where are you going?” Gabe frowned, all his usual joviality gone.
“I’ve got a lot going on. I should probably use this time in the media lab. I’ll see you guys later.” I walked away before any of them—Gabe—could try to talk me out of it.
Instead of going to the media lab, I found myself in the empty darkroom.
I don’t know why I went to the one place that was all Finn but I stood in the middle of the room, hugging myself, feeling sorry for myself and also berating myself.
What had happened to my determination to concentrate on my social rise?
Every day at that lunch table was an opportunity to build on my status at this school and I’d just walked away from it today because of a boy.
But not just any boy, I finally admitted.
A boy I wanted as my friend.
I needed a friend.
Everyone needed someone, right? Why was it so hard for me to admit that? I blinked back the sting of tears and kicked out at the cupboards in front of me in frustration. I was turning into an emotional head case.
I spun around...
And found myself face-to-face with one of Finn’s photographs.
My breath caught.
It was a photo of me.
When had he taken that?
It was a close-up shot, but from what I could tell I was standing outside the front gates of the school.
He’d caught me in profile while the wind blew my hair lightly away from my face and I looked...sad.
Why had he taken this?
I sighed and looked away, unable to see the emotion he’d captured, emotion I thought I did a pretty good job of hiding. Not there. Finn had caught me while I was vulnerable.
Why did he care enough?
Was I just another subject to him or did he take my picture for a reason?
Before I found out about his dad, had Finn wanted to be my friend, too?
“Dammit!” I snapped, grabbing up my book bag.
If I was spending this much time agonizing over the guy I needed to do something about it. End of story.
I’d make Finn stop ignoring me.
I’d make him see that for now, while we were both powerless and trapped, we could eke out a measure of control together.
* * *
Attempting to get Finn to stop ignoring me was a lot harder than I’d anticipated. Over the next few days the boy came up with every excuse on the planet to avoid me. The only time he couldn’t avoid me was in our history class because we were working on the presentation together.
Of course, we couldn’t talk there.
By Thursday, I’d lost all of my patience. We did the oral presentation, and it went pretty well considering how stiff and cold Finn had been with me. I could see our classmates giving us odd looks and still had enough of my ambition in me to worry that his behavior would affect people’s attitudes toward me.
Thursday after school was a busy night for the Chronicle. I’d worked my butt off that week so I’d done both my jobs and had really nothing left to do but help Alana oversee the issue as Nadiya put it together on the computer.
Before walking into the media lab I’d seen Finn head into the darkroom. I’d itched to go after him but knew I needed to be seen at the Chronicle.
Once it looked like everything was in hand, I approached Alana.
“You don’t need me right now, do you?”
She threw me a distracted look. “Nope.”
“I just need to do something. I’ll be quick.”
“Fine.”
I tried not to look like I was hurrying but my feet seemed to have a mind of their own as they took me out of the media lab.
The truth was I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt this nervous. My stomach was fluttering, my palms were sweating and I could not get my heart rate under control no matter how much I tried to with calming breathing exercises.
There was nothing stopping me from turning back around and returning to the Chronicle.
Nothing but this pull toward Finn that I could no longer deny.
I wished I didn’t feel it.
But I did.
I hated the idea of him hurting alone.
And I hated being alone.
Giving the halls a quick check to make sure there was no one else around I slipped inside the darkroom, taking a moment to adjust to the light.
Finn stood in the middle of the room, a few feet from me. He stared at me, and I could feel his displeasure fill the small space.
He dropped the photo he was developing to fully turn to me. “What are you doing?” he said, ice in his voice.
I sucked in a huge breath.
Here goes nothing.
“We need to talk about what I saw.”
“You didn’t see anything.”
“Finn—”
“I don’t have anything to say to you. What part of me avoiding you all week did you not get? You need to keep your nose out of my business.”
“If you—”
“Get out,” he said as he strode toward the sink, giving me his back.
“No.” I stubbornly took a step forward. “I’m not leaving until you hear what I have to say.”
“Why?” He looked at me over his shoulder, dragging his gaze down my body in this insolent, horrible way. “You think you can help me?”
Although I knew he was just lashing out in defensiveness it still hurt, and I could only stare at him a moment as I tried to remind myself why I wanted to do this.
He gave a huff of bitter laughter. “Stay out of my life, India.” He turned to stare at the wall.
And then it happened.
For Finn Rochester I ripped myself wide open.
“When I was eight Hayley left me and my dad. Just left. No explanation.”
Finn went rigid, and I took that to mean he was listening.
I took another step toward him, my mouth dry, my hands shaking right along with my knees. I would never have guessed how hard and scary it would be to tell someone my story. “My dad got really sad, and then really mad, and then really drunk. He lost his job. We lost our house. And he moved us into a trailer park on the edge of town. I went from a popular kid to a kid everyone called trailer trash.
“But I could have lived with that. That would have been easy...because that was nothing compared to my drunk dad. Nothing compared to the fact that he grew to blame me, to hate me, for Hayley’s leaving us. And I mean hate, Finn. The deep, dark kind of hate.” Tears filled my eyes as I remembered the vicious look my dad got on his face when he stared at me too long.
My words seemed to penetrate, and Finn turned slowly around. His eyes tore through me. He wore a haunted look I knew only too well.
“The beatings weren’t great, but fists and feet, bruises and blood, I might have been able to deal with just that alone. But the hating me part was the rough part. And the locking me in the bathroom for days, the starving me as punishment for some transgression or other—that was the part that could have...” broken me eventually. I swiped at my tears, angry at how vulnerable the memories still made me feel.
“I’d become almost invisible at school. No one seemed to notice me disappearing. Well...there was this one teacher when I was ten. She noticed a couple of bruises. But Dad sobered up long enough to charm her into thinking he was a good dad, that I was just that kid who was always playing where I shouldn’t.” And too afraid to speak up, I didn’t contradict him. I’d always wondered who else knew or suspected that my dad abused me and didn’t do a damn thing to save me. The thought hurt too much, however, and whenever it crept up I threw it aside as quickly as I could.
“It wasn’t until I was twelve when things started to get really bad and then finally it stopped. I said something that made him lose it. I don’t know what happened. I woke up in the hospital and the nurse told me that my dad’s girlfriend, Carla, had called an ambulance because she thought I was dying. He almost killed me. And on top of the injuries I was malnourished.” I gave Finn and his horrified expression a sad little smile. “All very maudlin. The authorities tracked down Hayley, and over time she got custody of me. She moved me to California with her, and I’ve been with her ever since.”
“Why?” he whispered, his voice hoarse. “Why are you telling me this?”
I shrugged helplessly, feeling raw. “I’ve worked hard at not needing anybody. Not Hayley. Not anyone. But...it’s getting really shitty.” I laughed bitterly. “I don’t trust easily. In fact, not at all, really, and that’s kind of exhausting. I don’t know what’s going on between you and your dad but I know enough to suspect he’s been violent with you. I hate that for you. But I saw how you stood up to him and I felt... I don’t know.” I shrugged again. “Maybe it’s twisted, but I felt like finally there was this person that might get me. Someone maybe I could trust. And he could trust me, too.”
Silence fell thick and fast upon my last word and I swear I thought my heart was going to break a rib, it was thudding so hard.
And then he moved, taking slow, long strides toward me, and my breath got caught in my throat.
He stopped close to me, his expression warring between stunned and something else—something that made my heart sink. “I... I’m sorry that all that happened to you, India. I am. Believe me. But I can’t...” He looked away, the muscle in his jaw flexing. “I can’t be that person for you and you can’t be that person for me. I don’t want to talk about this. Ever. I’m sorry.”
I’d been wrong before.
Finn’s earlier rejection was like a bee sting compared to this.
I’d put myself out there for the first time ever and...
Nausea rushed over me.
Trembling from head to foot, I didn’t wait for him to say anything else; I just turned and shot out of there, ignoring the concern in his voice as he called out my name.