“I’M NOT GOING to start calling you ‘Mom,’” I said quietly.
Hayley sighed with her whole body, her shoulders brushing mine as they lifted. We sat next to each other on my bed and had been quiet for the past five minutes after our tearful confessions.
I felt strange. I felt vulnerable in a way I didn’t think a kid should feel with their parent. But I also felt something else. Something hopeful.
I was reminded of Eloise’s words to me not too long ago in the pool house.
“But most importantly I have hope, India. I have hope that someday, once I’m out of high school, things will change for me...”
Somehow along the way I’d stopped hoping for a lot of things. One of those was the reconciliation of my relationship with Hayley. It was too painful to hope for it, and honestly, I just couldn’t see it ever happening when it hurt too much.
Hearing her side of the story finally, however, helped. I guess my fear all along had been that she didn’t love me and that’s why she left, and that she’d been forced out of guilt to bring me back into her life. It was still bullshit that she left me, but maybe over time I could try to see it from her side.
Most importantly, though, I had hope that over time I would start to believe that she loved me.
Still, baby steps.
“I guess that’s fair,” she said. “I’m not expecting things to change miraculously overnight.”
I looked at her and she turned to me with a love I wanted to believe in in her eyes. “Things will change, though,” I said. “How could they not?”
Her lips trembled with renewed emotion. “Yeah?”
“One day at a time.”
“Thank you,” she whispered.
“Thanks for telling Theo the truth.”
“He deserved to know. For him and for you.” Now I swore I saw wonder on her face. “He needs to know who he’s marrying, and I wanted him to know just how amazing you are.”
I thought about who I’d been only months ago while I was living in California. The truth was I wasn’t sure I was that girl anymore or if I’d ever be her again. It seemed true for Hayley, too. “He’s not marrying the woman that left me,” I said. “You’ve changed since you got here.”
“Maybe.” She nudged me. “For the better, right?”
“Well, except for the shopping, yeah.”
Hayley laughed and gripped my hand. “I’m going to get some sleep. You should, too.”
I nodded and followed her to my door. We were both surprised to find Finn and Elle down the hall, leaning against the wall waiting on us. We’d been in my room for at least an hour.
Hayley rolled her eyes. “Okay, guys, India is fine, but she needs some sleep. Finn, it’s time you got home, and, Eloise, Theo will be home soon. I’m sure you want to talk to him.”
Elle nodded and then looked at me.
“I’m fine.” Finn was staring at me like he wanted to steamroll Hayley to get to me. “Really.”
They left quietly, both shooting worried looks over their shoulders at me, and I disappeared back into my room because the truth was I was exhausted.
I thought I knew who I was but every little revelation, every little significant encounter...it seemed to change me infinitesimally. And if that were really true that meant that I’d never stop changing, and if that were true, then there was no guarantee of anything.
There was no safety in that, no power, no control—all the things I needed. And they would always be out of reach.
It was a terrifying realization.
My phone suddenly buzzed on my nightstand, and I rolled over to check who was calling. At the sight of Finn’s name I pushed through my exhaustion and fears to pick up.
“Hey.”
“Are you okay?”
“I... I guess so. I’m tired.”
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“Tonight you needed me. I should have been able to hug you, comfort you, and I couldn’t because Hayley was there.”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay. You’re right. This is hard.”
“Yeah.” I didn’t know what else to say. There seemed to be no solution so I was stuffing the concern down deep inside in order to deal with all the other issues in my life.
Finn was quiet, and I wondered if he had guessed what was going on in my head regarding our relationship. If he did, he chose to ignore it. “I’m really proud of you. The way you handled tonight. It was a lot and you...well, you’re amazing.”
“Thank you. I don’t feel amazing.”
“How do you feel?”
“Are you driving?”
“Hands free. Now, how do you feel?”
I breathed deep, the sound causing static to crackle between us. “I’m scared, Finn.”
“What are you scared of?” came his gentle reply.
“Change.”
“Everything changes, India.”
“I know that. But there were things about me that I thought were fixed, you know. Now I don’t know who I am.”
“Yeah, you do. Things change us, things will always change us, but who you are, that thing inside you that determines your choices, controls your actions, your reactions, it’s still yours. If something bad happens it’s up to you how you let it change you—you either become more compassionate or you let it make you bitter. I already know how you’ve let the mess your parents made change you. I see it in the way you are with Elle, I see it at school in how you refuse to bully or be bullied, and I saw it in your bravery when you told me about your dad so I didn’t feel alone anymore. You’re strong. Stronger than you realize. That’s your safe place, India.”
Part of me was glad he wasn’t in the room to see the fresh tears scalding my cheeks as I heard the words—the only words—I needed to hear.
A bigger part of me hated that the most important conversation I’d ever had in my life was happening on the phone.
He understood me. He got me.
And I was beginning to think that there was no safer place than that.
I love you.
I closed my eyes, more tears squeezing out. “Thank you,” I whispered.
“No. Thank you.” He released a long sigh. “I wish I was there right now.”
“Me, too.”
After a few seconds of silence he sighed again. “I’ll let you go. Get some sleep.”
But I didn’t want to lose him so soon. Not after everything he’d just said. “Stay. Until you get home, stay.”
“I can do that.”
“Finn...” I felt the words bubbling up inside of me, desperate to say them now when I felt it more than ever, but I didn’t want to say it for the first time over the phone.
As I trailed off I heard him take a shuddering breath. “I know,” he whispered. “Me, too.”