THE SCHOOL SEEMED to tower over us more than usual.
“Are you coming?” Eloise’s eyebrows drew together.
My stomach felt sick with guilt every time I looked at her.
I nodded, full of trepidation. Last night I’d done my best not to dwell on Finn. I had even skipped dinner so I didn’t have to face Eloise, using my long conversation with Anna as an excuse.
Anna did a good job of distracting me but talking to her only made me long for Arroyo Grande and my uncomplicated life there.
Now it was Friday morning, and I had to face Finn. I had to face Finn and our feelings and learn how to pummel those feelings into the ground in order to continue on with my life at Tobias Rochester.
It would have been helpful if the freaking school were named after someone else’s great-grandfather.
“You’re acting strange,” Eloise said as we walked toward her locker, where Bryce and Charlotte were waiting.
“Not sleeping much.”
“Mmm.”
I looked at her sharply. “What does ‘mmm’ mean?”
God, she doesn’t know, does she? How could she know?
“Nothing.” She shook her head. “You and Hayley are creating quite the atmosphere in the house, that’s all.”
“I’m allowed to argue with Hayley.”
“You never call her ‘Mom’ or ‘my mother.’” She slanted a look at me. “It’s...interesting.”
Glib, I said, “Don’t tell me you’re actually getting curious about me, Eloise?”
She smirked. “I said it was interesting, not fascinating. There’s a difference.” Her head jerked to the side. “Finn!”
I tensed, following her gaze.
Finn was coming out of a classroom near Eloise’s locker. He blinked, seeming surprised to see us there for some reason. His eyes flicked to me before quickly flitting back to Eloise.
“Hey,” he said, waiting for us to draw up next to him.
“What are you doing here?”
“Handing in a late paper.”
She frowned. “You’ve never had to hand in a late paper.”
He studiously refused to look at me. “Uh, yeah. I have a lot going on.”
Eloise’s concern was so genuine that I felt like even more of a bitch for contemplating the things that I wanted with Finn.
“I have to run.” He pecked her cheek and rushed off with just a nod to Charlotte and Bryce when he passed them.
Bryce wandered over to us, turning from watching Finn’s retreating back to Eloise. “Well, he’s acting strange.”
Her words mirrored what Eloise had said to me earlier. They made my sister-to-be’s head snap back to look at me. I did not mistake the suspicion I saw in her hazel eyes.
I kept my expression bland and shrugged, like I had no idea what was going on.
I must have done a good enough job at not looking guilty because the suspicion died, and she turned primly back to Bryce. “He has a lot on his mind.”
You have no idea.
* * *
Finn didn’t sit with us at lunch again. He went to Lulu’s.
And the entire time Eloise kept looking at her phone.
He was doing such a crappy job of pretending nothing had happened between us (and technically nothing had happened between us!) that I wanted to kill him.
Here I was, doing my best to pretend that everything was la-di-da, and he couldn’t even show his face at lunch.
It’s not like he had to do anything! We barely spoke at lunch before any of this happened so no one would notice us not talking.
It was fair to say by the time I got home that afternoon I was frustrated, worried and lamenting the fact that apparently I wasn’t so different from girls my age. A boy could make my world stop.
He was just the wrong boy.
“There you are!” Hayley said as I wandered through the informal sitting room to get to the kitchen.
I was no longer so afraid of Gretchen that I couldn’t go into the kitchen for a soda.
I grunted at Hayley and continued past her.
“Hey!” she snapped.
Irritation bubbled up inside me and I spun around to raise my eyebrows at her as if to say, Well, get on with it.
“I am sick of this.” She shook her head and stood up from the pile of folders and papers scattered over the coffee table. How long does it take to plan a wedding?
“Sick of what?” I crossed my arms, feigning boredom. “Playing princess?”
“You. The way you talk to me. We were fine a couple of weeks ago. What happened between then and now? What are you taking out on me?”
My life. I’m taking my life out on you.
Curbing my inner melodrama, I shrugged. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Yes, you do. I don’t know what you’re talking about. But maybe if you told me what was bothering you, I could fix it.”
“You know what I want. I want you to do what you’ve been good at my whole life...and stay out of it.” I strode out of the room, banging through the kitchen doors.
Gretchen shot me a dirty look for my loud entrance but for now this was my home and I was too pissed to be intimidated by the cook. I grabbed a soda and hauled ass to my room.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t hide out there because Eloise would know something was up, so I went down to dinner that night.
Theo was home and he and Hayley were already seated at the table when I got there.
Eloise, however, was nowhere to be seen.
“Where’s Eloise?” I said, standing in the doorway.
Theo shot a look at the chair she usually sat in and said, “With Finn. I said she could skip dinner with us this evening to spend time with him. Apparently, schoolwork has kept them apart for the last few weeks. I saw no harm in it.”
“Oh.” My stomach dropped at the thought of Eloise and Finn together. Talking. Touching...aahhh! I was not allowed to feel jealous! I shoved those feelings down and then I stomped on them a few times before hocking a loogie on top of them. “So, does that mean I can be excused?”
Hayley stiffened, her lips pursing at the request.
Theo raised an eyebrow. “Do you have plans?”
“I’m not hungry.”
“You should eat.”
“I don’t want to eat.”
“Well, I haven’t seen you all week so I’d really prefer if you sat down to dinner.”
“I’m tired,” I insisted.
“India—”
“Just let her go,” Hayley bit out.
Theo stared at Hayley in concern before turning to me in disapproval. “You may be excused,” he muttered.
* * *
India: Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Anna: Why?
India: Because the p is silent.
Anna: Oh, man, I just snorted diet soda out of my nose. That hurt.
* * *
“India, may I come in?”
I looked up from grinning at my phone, my smile dropping at the sight of Theo standing in my doorway with a plate of food in his hand. “Um... I meant it when I said I’m not hungry.” And I had meant it. I hadn’t eaten a thing since yesterday. There was no room for anything else in my belly but butterflies.
Theo put the plate down on my dresser. “Okay. I’ll just leave it here if you change your mind.”
I waited for him to leave but after a few seconds of just staring awkwardly at one another, I said, “Was there anything else?”
He pointed to my desk chair in question.
I shifted, uncomfortable with the idea of having a “chat” but I nodded out of politeness and put my phone down beside me on the bed.
Theo heaved a massive sigh. “I’m not happy with how things are between you and your mother.”
That’s not any of your business!
It was like he read my mind or something. “I know you think it’s not my business, but the truth is, it is my business now. When your mother and I get married, I will be your stepfather.”
“I’m aware.”
“India—” he leaned his elbows on his knees, concern and what might have been sincerity in his eyes “—I am not a stupid man. Do you think I don’t know something happened to you? Your relationship with Hayley is...well, even before this argument between you flared up this week things were strained. And from the little I’ve gleaned from Hayley about your father I can hazard a solid guess that he was not a good man.”
“What did she tell you?” I said sharply.
Theo’s expression softened. “Not much. But I can put together the puzzle pieces. I think he hurt you and I cannot tell you how incredibly sorry that makes me. But I need you to know that you are safe here. I would never let anything happen to my family. You can always come to me whenever you need to.”
I looked at my duvet, not able to see his kindness when I didn’t know if I could trust it.
“I’m patient. I can wait for your trust.”
There he went again being weirdly perceptive.
“As for you and Hayley... I should know better than to get between two fighting women...”
I looked up to see his wry smile.
“Hayley thinks you’re upset because you’re missing your friends in California.”
She wasn’t completely off base.
“So, what if I sent you there for a weekend? Whenever you want. You can choose.”
My spirits immediately lifted. “Seriously?”
He grinned. “Yes.”
Gratitude, real gratitude, swept through me and for once resentment didn’t stop me from accepting. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” He stood up and gave me a soft smile. “I just want everyone to be happy.”
And I just wanted to believe that was true.
Maybe one day I would.
Later that night, before bed, I was returning from the kitchen with a bottled water, and as I walked down the hall toward my room I almost jumped out of my skin when Eloise appeared around the corner. The house had been so quiet I could almost imagine I was the only one in it.
Eloise had startled at the sight of me.
“You okay?”
“I’m fine,” she said. “I was heading downstairs for hot cocoa.”
“You’re up late.”
“Working on a paper.” She shrugged. “Daddy said you might be going back to the west coast to visit friends.”
“Yeah. I don’t know when. Things are hectic now. But hopefully soon.”
She cocked her head to the side pensively. “You want to go back to Arroyo Grande, don’t you? Permanently?”
I thought about lying. But I chose the truth instead. “Yes.”
My stepsister-to-be didn’t seem horrified by my confession that I’d rather stay in California with friends than here with my supposed family. Instead she looked thoughtful as she started walking toward me. She stopped a few inches from me. “I’m sorry this is hard for you.”
I tried not to show my shock at her unexpected kindness. Instead I said, “I’m sorry this is hard for you, too.”
And for a moment, just a tiny moment, we truly understood at least one thing about one another.
“Good night,” she said before strolling past me toward the stairs.
* * *
“All right, I hate to ask,” Bryce said in a beleaguered tone at lunch, “but who is the hottie in this photo?” She pointed to a picture on her phone.
I leaned past Charlotte to see. It was a photo of me and Jay, our arms wrapped around each other, as we laughed on the beach at a party last summer. It was on my Instagram. “Snooping, dear Bryce?” I teased.
“And hottie?” Joshua frowned at her.
She waved away his concern. “I thought he might be famous, that’s all.”
“He’s not famous. That’s Jay.” I flicked a glance at Finn and saw he was glowering at Bryce’s phone.
Finn’s eyes flicked to me at that comment, and I looked away quickly.
“Did you date him?” Bryce almost looked impressed.
“I guess. We were never serious.”
“It certainly looked as though you had fun together,” Bryce said, waving another picture of me. One of Jay and me dancing. And kissing.
“Would you stop creeping?” I scowled at Bryce.
“Let’s see.” Gabe reached over the table and snatched the phone.
He made a face at the photo as he sat back down and to my mortification Finn leaned over to check out the picture. His face went completely blank.
Gabe handed Bryce her phone back. “You two looked awfully cozy, India.”
“You’re not her keeper, Gabe,” Charlotte snapped, two little splotches of red coloring her cheeks.
He looked surprised by her attack. “I know that.”
“Well, leave her alone. She’s allowed to date. You’re not her boyfriend!” At that she stood up, leaving her food, and flounced away with more indignation than the situation warranted. Although I had to wonder if her frustration was actually masking jealousy.
“Um...what was that?” Gabe asked.
“She’s probably PMSing.” Bryce waved away the incident.
“Bryce!” Eloise hissed.
“What? She’s seriously melodramatic and all teenage angst during her time of the month. It’s irritating.”
Eloise looked at her like she was scum water, and I was guessing my expression wasn’t far off the same. “Where are your manners?” she huffed, and stood up, rushing to catch up with Charlotte.
Bryce rolled her eyes. “Such drama today.”
“Why are you being a bitch?” Joshua snapped before he took off.
“What?” Bryce threw up her hands. “So I’m bored. Look at these photos.” She waved her phone at me. “You had more fun at a terrible, dirty party in, ugh, California than I’ve had in ages.”
“So you decide to piss off half your friends?” Gabe sighed. “I’m out.” He got up and took off in the direction of the others.
Apparently irritating the unshakable Gabe seemed to snap Bryce out of her mean girl stupor and she hurried from the table to catch up with him.
That left me with Finn.
I frowned at all the food that had been left behind, feeling anxiety build as I tried to figure out what to do with it.
“Charlotte’s mother started dating Bryce’s father,” Finn suddenly said. “That’s what’s really going on.”
“Oh.” I knew from talking to Eloise that Bryce’s parents were divorced, too. “That’s a problem?” I glanced at Bryce’s nearly full plate of tuna pasta salad. Maybe I could get a box or something from the lunch workers and get it to Bryce later.
“Charlotte’s mother is the first woman Bryce’s father has dated since the divorce. Eloise says Bryce isn’t dealing with it too well and has been taking it out on Charlotte.”
“That’s tough.” I winced in sympathy and then flinched at the table. Eloise’s sandwich was half-eaten. That didn’t bother me as much as Bryce’s and Charlotte’s entire trays of food...they may have to go in the trash. My knee started to bounce at the thought.
“Why are you staring at all the food?” Finn said.
I glanced over at him, feeling a little mortified I’d been obvious.
Oh, what the hell. I’d told him pretty much everything else.
“My dad... I went hungry a lot. I have a thing about wasted food.” I shrugged like it was no big deal.
Concern warmed Finn’s eyes. “Oh.” He looked at Bryce’s and Charlotte’s trays. “Okay. One second.”
Bemused, I watched as he got up, lifted a tray in each hand and sauntered toward the back of the cafeteria where a few guys on the boys’ rugby team were eating. He said something to them and the boys grinned and gestured to the trays. Finn set them down and the guys descended on the food like wolves.
Something sweet and beautiful swept over me as Finn walked back over. He slipped back into his seat. “Better?”
Stop making me feel this way, Finn.
“Yes. Thank you,” I said, grateful. “For that and for not thinking I’m a giant weirdo.”
“I think you’re extraordinary.”
Words have this power over us. I knew that.
My father’s words had the power to cripple me. For so long they made me think less of myself.
At school in California, kids were complimentary most of the time, and whether it was sincere or fake I used those words to build my self-esteem back up. They became a defense against negativity.
Words were what I was looking for from Hayley. Magical words that didn’t exist.
And Finn’s words—given sincerely and by someone like him—for a moment washed all the bad ones away.
It was obvious from the way he flushed and looked anywhere but at me that the words had just slipped out. Which kind of made them more special. “So...uh, you had a lot of fun back in California, huh?”
Now I was uncomfortable with the new subject. “Yeah. I miss my friends there.”
“So that guy?”
I glanced around us to make sure no one was listening. “Finn...”
“I’m just asking a question.” Was he mad at me?
That wasn’t fair.
“Jay and I weren’t serious. We don’t even talk anymore. Not that we shouldn’t, if we wanted to,” I reminded him gently.
He glanced away.
We sat there, not moving even though one of us should have gotten up and left.
“I hate this,” he said.
I didn’t have to ask what “this” was.
He abruptly pushed back from the table.
I watched him stride out of the cafeteria, wondering why everything had to be so impossible.
* * *
Somehow we all got through the next week. The heated antagonism between Bryce and Charlotte cooled a little, although there was definitely still awkwardness between them. I didn’t know Charlotte had it in her to be openly pissed at her friends, and I was kind of impressed that she’d be so confrontational and opinionated, when all along I’d thought she was more of the sheep type.
On a positive note Gabe was certainly paying a lot of attention to her, giving her a shoulder to cry on. I wondered how it was that no one else could see those two could be perfect for each other if Gabe would only open up those pretty eyes of his.
As for Finn and me...well, I didn’t let myself think about that.
“Nope,” I said, shoving him right out of my thoughts as I stood in front of the mirror in my dressing room. For a second I’d contemplated what he’d think of me in this dress. “Butt out, demon,” I joked to myself.
Time as a junior seemed to be moving at warp speed. Before I knew it, it was November already and I still hadn’t made it out to California to see my old friends.
Now the evening of Hayley and Theo’s engagement party had arrived.
It was our debut into society as a family and Hayley’s nervous energy was a little catching. She was always so giddy and chirpy about the wedding and Theo that I almost forgot that she was as new to this place as I was. I knew she desperately wanted to be accepted as Theo’s fiancée, and it would help if her daughter acted like a loving, mature teenager for the evening.
I could do mature and if not exactly loving, then at least better than distant.
All my new friends would, of course, be at the party, along with some other people from school Eloise had invited.
“India?”
I turned slowly around as Hayley appeared in the doorway to my dressing room.
As always, she looked amazing in her figure-hugging emerald green dress. Her beauty hurt me because if we were a regular mom and daughter that beauty would be just one more thing that would make me proud to walk at her side.
She smiled at me as she took in my dress. “You look beautiful, sweetheart.”
“Thanks,” I said. “You, too.”
Her smile widened.
Things had definitely been a little better between us lately. After the whole revelation about Finn and his dad, I realized how much I took out on Hayley—even the stuff that wasn’t her fault—and I guessed it wasn’t fair to make her my emotional punching bag any more than it had been fair of my dad to do that to me.
“Black isn’t a statement about how you feel about this wedding, though, right?” Hayley teased.
I was wearing a black lace cocktail dress with long sleeves, a high neckline and a pretty short hemline. “Not at all.” I grinned and then I wrinkled my nose in thought as I brushed my hands down the front of the dress. “It’s not too short for you?”
She contemplated the hemline and then shook her head. “No, you look perfect. You look like a young woman and that makes me feel old, but you look perfect.”
“You don’t look old and you know it.”
Hayley laughed and placed her hands on her hips and struck a pose. “I try my best.”
I smiled and followed her out of the room and into the hall. Theo was coming toward us, looking dapper in his tux. Hayley immediately gravitated toward him.
“So are we doing this thing?” I said.
“Yes. Eloise’s holding the fort downstairs.” Theo gestured for me to take the stairs first. “You both look lovely, by the way.”
I muttered my thanks, listening to Hayley compliment Theo. He whispered something in her ear that made her giggle like a little girl and I just stopped myself from rolling my eyes as we descended the stairs to where the party was already in full swing.
Eloise stood in the large entrance greeting guests as they arrived at the door. Hayley had hired staff for the party—staff to take and check people’s jackets, catering and waitstaff.
There had been people in and out of the house all day decorating and setting up. There were simple fairy lights twisted around the banister of the staircase, and sprinkled in the vines and glittering reeds that had been placed in large silver vases throughout the front of the house. Out back along the pool lit candles were everywhere, creating a romantic outdoor space that no one would use because it was too cold to stand out there in formal wear. Music from the classical trio she’d hired played from the middle of the house in the sitting room.
Waitstaff passed through the guests carrying trays of hors d’oeuvres and glasses of champagne.
I was about to make my way over to Eloise when I noted the tall figure beside her and halted.
Finn.
Crap.
Hayley almost stumbled into me. “Are you all right?” She frowned.
“Sure. Just wondering where Gabe and the others are.” I peered into the informal sitting room but I couldn’t see anyone I recognized.
“I’ll send over Eloise and Finn.” She patted my arm and moved away with Theo at her side to take over greeting the guests.
Well, damn.
Feeling stuck, I waited as Finn and Eloise moved over to me. I felt Finn’s gaze but tried to ignore it. Eloise looked beautiful in a red silk dress. She was standing close to Finn, staring around the room with an almost dazed expression.
“You okay?” I said.
“Champagne,” she muttered in answer, and grabbed a glass off the tray of a passing waiter, drinking it in one huge gulp so, I assumed, our parents wouldn’t catch her.
“Not okay, then?”
“She’s probably just realized that you’re definitely going to be her stepsister.” Bryce’s wry voice reached us before she did. She sidled up to Eloise, slipping her hand around her friend’s waist. “I’m here for you, darling.”
I rolled my eyes at her mocking but Eloise barely seemed to register it.
Joshua strode around to stand beside Finn. “Where’s Gabe and Charlotte?”
“Not here yet,” Finn said.
“I think he said he was going to bring her.”
“Yeah?” I asked, wondering if perhaps Gabe was finally seeing the light.
“Yes, dear Gabe has been awfully sweet to Charlotte while her tramp of a mother seduces my father.” Bryce sneered.
Joshua shook his head in what was definitely near disgust. “I need a drink.”
“A lot of that going around,” Finn murmured.
Our eyes met and we shared a bemused smile before I remembered where we were and looked away.
* * *
It could have turned into an enjoyable night.
Patrick Donaghue was there, being all attentive and cute.
But everywhere I went there was Eloise alternating between champagne and the giant glasses of water Charlotte kept force-feeding her.
Mostly, however, there was Finn.
Staring at me with those soulful eyes, making me feel guilty. Making me feel like if I didn’t touch him or comfort him, my legs would give out, and breathing wouldn’t come so easy.
Breathing wasn’t coming so easy.
Finally, I gave up on trying to salvage the night. I made my excuses to Patrick because...
I needed to escape my feelings.
Mostly everyone had gone into the house for Theo’s speech so I found the keys I wanted, dashed out, checked around to see no one was watching and I let myself into the dark pool house. The blinds were drawn so it took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the shadowed room. The only light that spilled in came from the candles around the pool, and peeked in under the blinds that didn’t quite reach the floor. I moved into the room, easing down onto the sofa.
Finally I felt like I could breathe again. Who knew it would be so exhausting pretending you didn’t have feelings for someone?
My head jerked up at the slight squeak of the pool house door opening and closing, Finn’s face illuminated in the light from outside before shadows crept over it once he was inside.
With me.
Alone.
“What are you doing in here?” I was back to that whole having difficulty breathing thing again.
“We need to talk.” His voice seemed to fill the entire room and I winced, afraid someone might hear him.
“Did anyone see you follow me in here?” I whispered, shooting up off the couch to have a peek through the blinds.
“Everyone is still inside. It’s too cold out. Would you please look at me?”
At his harsh tone, I did. I could see from the quick rise and fall of his chest that he was struggling to breathe normally, too.
“What did you want to say?”
His eyes roamed my face, something like desperation flickering across his features. And suddenly that desperation turned to determination. “This,” he said, and in a blink of my eyes he’d closed the distance between us.
His lips came down on mine as he gripped my arms tight.
I inhaled in surprise, his warmth and the smell of his cologne overwhelming me.
Finn is kissing me!
At the touch of his tongue against mine, my skin turned hot and tingly, and those butterflies in my belly erupted to a riotous flutter. Finn’s groan vibrated down my throat, and I found myself crushed harder against him as our kiss deepened.
Suddenly I got why everyone made such a big deal about kissing. With the right person it was...wow.
Somewhere beyond the fog he had created in my mind, I remembered Eloise. It was enough to dampen the butterflies and reluctantly I pushed against his chest and wrenched my mouth from his.
Finn just as reluctantly loosened his hold, his dark eyes scorching me. “Don’t,” he whispered.
“Eloise,” I reminded him, gently extricating myself from his grip.
“Let’s just forget everyone else. Eloise. Patrick.”
“We can’t just forget. This would hurt people.” I gestured between us.
“Right now all I care about is you.”
“That’s a fantasy, Finn.”
“Don’t say that. You feel it, too, right?”
“I do. But I also don’t want to hurt anyone.”
“We won’t.” He tried to reach for me again, and I could hear something like panic in his voice. “Don’t you want to feel happy, even just for a moment? I’m sick of being miserable.”
Unease started to creep over me, and I stepped away toward the door. “Sometimes I’m sick of that, too.” I liked him. I wanted him. Maybe even needed him. More than I’d ever wanted or needed any boy. But despite the fact that he was the first guy to give me that romance-novel kiss I’d been waiting on, his selfishness made me wary. “And maybe we could be happy for a moment, but it would cause other people sadness. I won’t hurt people to be with you. And I have to wonder what kind of person you really are if you can’t see beyond this to how much it would kill Eloise.” I shook my head, disappointed in him, in me and in the whole situation. Feeling stronger in my resolve, I bit out, “Just forget me. I mean it. You’re not who I thought you were.”
“She’s gay!” Finn cried hoarsely as I turned my back on him.
And suddenly I felt like the idiot who was standing up on an open-top bus and didn’t see the heavy metal sign up ahead until it was too late and slamming right into my head.
I spun slowly around to find Finn was staring at me in horror.
“Eloise is gay?” I whispered.
“Oh fuck.” He rubbed his hands over his face, muttering, “Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.”
“Finn.” I hurried over to him. “It’s okay, calm down.”
“It’s not okay!” he snapped, his eyes shimmering with tears. “I can’t believe...oh fuck.”
“Finn.” I stood there, feeling useless and helpless as he paced in front of me, gathering speed in his panic. “Stop. Please. Stop. I won’t tell anyone.”
I saw nothing but self-recrimination in his eyes. “You’re right. I’m a selfish asshole.” He bowed his head and closed his eyes, pain etched on every feature.
Silence fell over us as I came to terms with what Finn had just told me.
Eloise was gay.
And so scared for anyone to find out...she and Finn were using one another?
“Is that what you meant?” I said. “Before? You said she was getting what she wanted out of your relationship, too.”
He nodded and slumped down onto the sofa.
I carefully sat down next to him, not wanting to spook him with sudden movements.
“We really have been friends for a long time,” he said. “Our mothers dying the way they did only made us closer. But like brother and sister closer.”
“Does she know about your dad?”
“She knows he’s a dick but I hid the violence from her. I was...”
“Ashamed,” I said.
He looked up, our eyes locking, and he nodded solemnly. “Ashamed.”
I blinked back the spring of tears in my eyes. “So how did you...?”
“Things had been weird with her for a while before her fifteenth birthday and the night of, Elle got drunk for the first time. Wasted. I got her out of a situation with a guy in our class and hid her out in my room while I tried to get her sober.
“She just suddenly started to cry. It wasn’t... She told me she was gay. You have to understand her dad is a major donor to the Republican party—he’s conservative and traditional,” Finn explained. “He campaigned back in 2004 against same-sex marriages and wasn’t happy that Massachusetts was the first state to issue a marriage license for same-sex couples. I mean, he’s not going to react well to Elle’s secret—that’s a given. And he’s Elle’s entire world. She’s terrified of losing him. Of losing another parent. And she’s just plain terrified of being considered different. You’ve seen how much people here care about image. This is a conservative community. But it’s more than that. I mean, most people are more accepting now. They’d probably get over it. I tried to tell her that but there’s something more... something about her mom, I think, and whatever it is has Elle scared of how her dad will react. She’s afraid she’ll lose everything and everyone.”
Well, look at that, I thought. Our circumstances may be different but in a way our motives were the same—we both needed the safety of being popular, being accepted. I had yet another thing in common with Eloise.
“Theo...” I let the words fall away. There was a lot there to suggest Theo would be unhappy to learn Eloise was gay, but I had seen them interact. I could see how much love was there. I had to wonder if he would turn his back on his daughter. I couldn’t see him doing that. But then you just never knew about people. I wondered exactly what had happened with her mom, too. Instead I said, “So you struck a deal?”
Finn nodded. “We pretend to be boyfriend and girlfriend until college and that way my dad stays off my back, and no one suspects the truth about Eloise.”
“Wow.”
I didn’t know what else to say.
I think I was shell-shocked.
“She knows how I feel about you. At least...she knows I like you.” He wore a look of apology. “I would never have dreamed that I would betray her... I just... I feel like I’m going crazy. All the lies, all the hiding.” He seemed to plead with me. “Most of the time I feel like I can’t breathe inside my own life. Like I’m just existing. Not with you, though. I feel like I’m breathing fresh, clean air whenever I’m with you. I feel alive.”
Holy... Wow.
Finn turned his hand, sliding his fingers through mine, and then he brought my hand to his lips and kissed it ever so softly.
“I promise that I won’t ever tell anyone. I would never do that to you or Eloise.”
“Thank you,” he said hoarsely.
Warmth moved through me that he believed me without even having to question it.
“So, what—”
The pool house door opened and the light from outside spilled over Eloise’s face as she stepped inside and closed the door.
She crossed her arms over her chest as she stared at us. “What are you two doing in here?”
It was the worst time ever for me to lose my natural cool, my ability to pretend, something I had perfected over the years. But lose it I did. I jerked away from Finn so fast I slipped off the couch and narrowly avoided crashing onto the floor when he reached out and caught me. Perched on the couch beside him I knew my behavior screamed, We just got caught doing something we shouldn’t. “Shit,” I muttered, brushing my hair back with a shaking hand as I looked at Eloise for her reaction.
She wobbled in her heels a little, not any more sober than she had been when I’d last seen her. She narrowed her eyes. “Finn?”
Apparently Finn had also lost his ability to fake it. “Elle, I’m...” Guilt shone out of his eyes and, drunk or not, able to see in the dimness of the room or not, Eloise clearly sensed his guilt.
She stumbled back from us, pure fear in her eyes. She shook her head. “Finn?”
Finn stood up, letting go of my hand. “Elle, I’m sorry. It slipped out.”
“Oh God, you didn’t?”
“Eloise.” I stood up now, too. “I won’t tell anyone.”
However, my words didn’t seem to penetrate.
“Oh God.” She raised a shaky hand to her forehead and slumped against the wall. Her back hit the light switch and light flooded the room, making me wince.
Eloise didn’t even notice. She was struggling to breathe and her face had gone unnaturally pale.
“Elle.” Finn rushed toward her but she warded him off with her palm outward.
“I’m going to be sick,” she gasped out before she dashed toward the bathroom.
Finn went to follow but I cut him off, chasing after her.
I just managed to pull her hair out of the way as she slumped over the toilet and began throwing up everything she’d eaten and drunk at the party. Even when there was nothing left she kept making these whimpering, retching sounds that soon turned to full-out sobbing.
Tears burned my eyes. I hated that I was the cause of her pain and fear. “Shh.” I crawled closer, rubbing her back. “Eloise,” I whispered, my voice shaking, “this doesn’t change anything for me. You have nothing to be ashamed of. But I get you’re scared, okay. I get it. I won’t tell anyone. I promise.”
She jerked back to glare up at me. Her face glistened with sweat and she had mascara smudges all around her eyes. “And I’m just supposed to trust you?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I don’t.” Sliding away from the toilet, she pressed her back against the bathtub and with a quivering hand she pushed her hair off her face.
Finn stood in the doorway, hovering uncertainly.
The atmosphere was so thick and horrible it reminded me almost of grief. When Anna’s parents had split up a therapist had told her mother that what Anna was going through was a form of grieving. I’d sat with Anna every day after school and she wouldn’t say anything. But the atmosphere said it all. It was heavy and scary, made up of that singular feeling of having lost the innocence of believing in a magical forever, the loss of permanency...of safety.
That’s how it felt in that tiny bathroom, and it was mostly all coming from Eloise.
“We’re going to be family,” I finally murmured.
Her eyes flashed defensive fire. “And?”
“And I would never hurt my family.”
She looked away, her expression clearly saying she didn’t believe me.
“I mean it,” I said, and my jaw clenched against all the emotions threatening to rise up out of me. “I know what it’s like to have someone who is supposed to be family betray me. And I would never, ever betray my family.”
Whatever Eloise heard in my voice made her look straight into my eyes. It was only seconds as she peered into my soul, but it felt like forever. Finally I watched, relieved, as a measure of tension left her. “Promise?” Her lips trembled around the word.
“I promise.”
“Okay.” Her trembling turned to tears and she swiped quickly at them, as if to hide them from me.
“India, can I talk to Eloise alone?”
I nodded at Finn and he held out his hand to help me to my feet. Grateful for the help, because there was really no way to get up elegantly in my dress and heels, I took his hand and let him pull me up.
When I looked down at Eloise she was staring at us, a million and one questions in her eyes. I’d leave Finn to answer those. For now, I wanted her to be truly assured I wasn’t going to betray her trust.
“I think it would have to take someone pretty awful and cruel to tell your secret to the world,” I said. “And I may be many things, but I’m not awful and cruel. I’m going back out there, and as far as everyone is concerned, everything is as it always was.”
She nodded, looking like a lost little girl. I found I didn’t like seeing her like that at all. “Okay,” she repeated.
Satisfied she was as close to believing me as possible at this point, I slipped by Finn, squeezing his arm in support as I did, before leaving them alone in the pool house.
Once I stepped outside, I took in a deep, shaky breath.
“Holy crap,” I muttered, staring up at the dark sky above.
Who would have thought I’d travel three thousand miles to a supposedly better life only to find two kids as messed up as me?
I didn’t feel alone anymore at all.
And for their sake...I wish I goddamn did.