Chapter 21
NOAH DIDN’T TURN up back home at all on Tuesday, or Wednesday. His parents still hadn’t heard from him, but were satisfied that Lee had seen him at school and he was alive and well. I carried on ignoring his voicemails and texts, and avoiding him in school. He called the landline at my house Wednesday night, and my dad picked up. He hung up on Noah almost straight away.
Thursday morning, my luck ran out.
I stopped by the bathrooms before homeroom, and on my way out, I walked right into something – no, wait. Someone.
‘Oh, ouch, sorry,’ I said automatically. I’d been in such a daze I wouldn’t have been surprised if I’d just apologized to a brick wall. It sure as hell felt like—
Ah. Close enough.
‘Oh.’ I tried sidestepping him, but a hand on my arm stopped me.
Noah looked . . . well, to be blunt, totally awful.
He had bags under his eyes from what I assumed to be several sleepless nights, and he smelled faintly of smoke.
Hey, this was Flynn, after all – I shouldn’t be so surprised. Who’s to say he wasn’t drunk too?
‘We’ve got to talk,’ he said, his voice a little croaky. Without waiting for me to answer, he pulled me into the nearest empty classroom, closing the door behind us.
I sat on the edge of the desk at the front while he stayed by the door.
‘How are you?’ he asked abruptly, looking me dead in the eyes.
I frowned in confusion, more than a little taken aback. ‘Much better now that Lee’s forgiven me, if that’s what you’re asking?’
‘That makes one of us,’ he muttered, running both hands over his face. ‘Too late to go back on it all now. Cat’s out of the bag.’
I felt like he was accusing me, and bristled. ‘Hey, look, I didn’t exactly want to tell him like that—’
‘I wasn’t blaming you, Elle,’ he said quickly. ‘I . . . Look, I need to talk to you, and . . .’
‘Then talk,’ I said, sounding way calmer and more confident than I felt. Not that I was complaining. I was glad he (hopefully) couldn’t tell how anxiety made my pulse go wild, how my palms were all clammy, how my stomach twisted.
‘I . . .’ He gulped, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. ‘I’m sorry. I took advantage of you, and I hated seeing you get hurt when Lee found out. We should’ve just told him from the start. I shouldn’t have let you lie to him like that. It was my fault too. I messed up. And I’m sorry.’
He said it all so rapidly, like he was trying to get the words out before he could take them back, that I thought I’d heard him wrong. And – and he sounded like he meant every word. As though he were really torn up about this.
‘I know,’ he said slowly, ‘you probably never wanted to see my face again, and I get it, but . . .’
‘Can I ask you something?’
‘Uh . . . sure?’
‘Where have you been the last few days?’
He gave a bitter smile, and looked up from his boots to my face again. ‘I was staying in a motel. I didn’t want to make things worse for you with Lee. I’ve been trying to forget about you. I haven’t been able to sleep, so I’ve been driving around. I can’t stop thinking about you,’ he added quietly.
That wasn’t quite the answer I’d expected.
But I knew Noah. He wasn’t one to lie.
He moved closer to me – so close that I got off the desk to avoid being trapped by him as he towered over me, his body brushing against mine.
‘I don’t know what the hell it is about you, Elle, but I can’t . . . I don’t . . .’
‘What?’
‘You drive me insane,’ was all he said then, his voice quiet, soft – intimate. ‘Absolutely insane. I need you back.’
My racing heart stopped, and then flip-flopped wildly. What was he saying? It wasn’t anything else. It wasn’t like he was in l—
Lee had just forgiven me. Maybe not moved on, but forgiven me, at least.
And now Noah just wanted to . . . to carry on where we’d left off? Was he crazy to think I could just do that?
After coming so close to losing my best friend, I wanted to finish this year in peace. Was that too much to ask? Besides, Noah was leaving soon for college.
I couldn’t get back with him. I couldn’t. It wouldn’t be right.
So . . . why was it so hard to convince myself that it was wrong?
‘Elle,’ he said, stroking my hair back off my face. ‘Shelly . . .’
I shook my head, putting my foot down. ‘No. It’s not happening. I can’t . . .’
‘Elle,’ he said, those electric-blue eyes darkening as he backed me up a step. ‘You’re killing me here.’
‘Are you drunk?’
‘No. I’m completely sober, and this is all true. I need you back.’
I shook my head again, retreating until I felt the wall at my back. Noah stepped forward, hands on either side of my head, his body pinning me there. His breath tickled my face.
‘Elle,’ he said again. I looked into his eyes. I knew he was telling the truth, but I didn’t want to believe it. I wanted to be able to put my foot down, close the door, lock this all away. I didn’t want to go back to the firework feeling of his touch and his kisses because I knew I’d never want to leave him. If I didn’t do this now, I never would – at least not until it was too late.
And I managed one word: ‘No.’
His palm slammed into the display board behind me, making the wall rattle and a loosely tacked poster fall down.
I shook my head, closing my eyes as if not looking at him would help steady me. It didn’t. ‘No.’
His hands dropped onto my shoulders then, and when I opened my eyes, his were pleading with me.
‘Get off me,’ I said, trying to push him off. I prayed he wouldn’t kiss me now – because I knew I’d end up kissing him back.
‘I can do it right this time,’ he said. ‘No sneaking around.’
‘I’m not dating you,’ I said feebly.
He sighed, leaning his head forward so it rested against mine. I stiffened. I wasn’t scared of him, though. I was scared of myself.
He almost had his arms around me. All I wanted to do right now was let him hold me, kiss me.
I couldn’t. I couldn’t go back to that. I’d never get back out. I couldn’t do that to Lee.
‘Noah, please, just . . . don’t.’
‘I can’t help it,’ he said tightly, the muscle in his jaw jumping when he pulled back to look at me. ‘I tried, believe me. What is it about you? You’re driving me crazy here, you’re killing me. I need you back.’
‘I said no.’ I shoved him hard in the chest, and slipped out under his arm to the other side of the classroom. ‘Noah, I can’t do it. I’m sorry, but I can’t.’
‘Why?’
‘I – I just . . . I can’t.’
I was saved by the bell: the hallways filled with people going to their first period class. Noah didn’t move, and I found I couldn’t either.
‘I . . . I have to go,’ I managed to say, and I fled, barging my way through people and not caring when I stood on someone’s toes. I just had to get away.
Not because I was afraid of Noah.
I was afraid of my feelings for him.
‘Are you telling me that for your seventeenth birthday – oh, wait, I’m sorry, our seventeenth birthday – you have no idea what kind of party you want?’
I laughed. ‘I haven’t really thought about it lately. But we need to sort something out really soon. We have, like, a week.’
Lee sighed melodramatically. ‘And you say I procrastinate! So what are we going to do? Tiny gathering of close friends and family?’
‘Close friends? You’ve got to be joking. That’s half our grade, and then there’s the seniors.’
‘True. Then a large gathering of close friends and family? Huh? Yeah? Yeah? My parents said before we could rent out a club for the night.’
‘That’d be kind of cool . . . but it’d be so expensive . . .’
‘All right. House party at my place?’
‘I guess so. There’s not exactly much else we can do, is there?’ I said.
Lee and I had decided months ago that we wanted to do something so cool, so epic, that nobody would be able to top it. And since our birthday fell just after school let out, recently our party had been the big end-of-year celebration. With all the seniors we hung out with leaving now, we wanted to do something even bigger and better than just any old party.
I knew that Lee wanted a big party, and I owed him. I’d been selfish over the whole Noah situation, not telling him about it, sneaking around behind his back. I owed him. I had to come up with something awesome for him.
Then it hit me.
‘Remember in sixth grade – we had that costume party at the kiddie place that shut down? It had a ball-pit and everything.’
‘Yeah. And I was the Cat in the Hat. And you went as some Disney princess.’
‘Yeah.’
‘What about it? Oh, God, no. No way. No way.’
‘Yes way.’
‘No.’
‘Why not? It’d be so fun!’
‘Shelly, do you realize how childish that sounds?’ he laughed, grinning at me and making his eyes crinkle at the corners.
‘I know, that’s what makes it so cool! We’re, like, the only people who can pull this off and make it epic. Trust me.’
‘And you’re sure about this?’
‘Uh-huh.’
‘We’re going to shake on this before you change your mind.’
I nodded, smiling easily and sticking my fist out to him.
Lee grinned, laughing, and pounded his fist with mine. We both made identical explosion noises.
‘We haven’t done that since the sixth grade.’
‘It seemed appropriate, given the party,’ I laughed.
‘We’re really going to have a costume party?’
‘Hell yeah. And we’re going as the Olsen twins.’
He biffed me across the head, laughing. I rolled out of the way, ending up on the grass. I sat up, crossing my legs underneath me and grinning up at him.
‘Thing One and Thing Two,’ he told me.
‘I’m not dying my hair blue,’ I protested. Then I smirked. ‘But I’m sure Rachel would love to see you in a snug red jumpsuit . . .’
‘I take it back,’ he exclaimed, shaking his head wildly and waving his hands around. I laughed harder.
Then he said, ‘Shall we do it next Friday? After the graduation ceremony?’
‘Yeah, we may as well. I mean, our birthday is on the Sunday so . . . And if I get drunk, I—’
‘I don’t want to be hungover on my birthday,’ he finished for me.
‘Same.’
‘Of course. So shall I start sending the message around right now?’
‘Well, I was thinking—’
‘Careful, don’t hurt yourself.’
I laughed but still managed to frown at him and say a sarcastic ‘Ha-ha. I was about to say “the same thing” before you so rudely interrupted m—’
His phone started ringing and he held up a finger. ‘Hold that thought,’ he said, deliberately interrupting me again. I just laughed as he fished his iPhone out of his pocket and tapped away at it, broadcasting the message to about fifty of our friends. We figured we could always invite more people if we wanted, but it was harder to uninvite them.
My cell phone buzzed in my pocket, and I took it out.
‘Who is it?’ Lee asked.
‘Noah.’
His head snapped up from his cell. ‘What the hell does he want now? He didn’t harass you enough earlier?’
I pressed the ‘busy’ button, ignoring Noah’s call. ‘He didn’t harass me, Lee . . .’
‘Mm. Maybe. I just don’t think he’s good for you, Elle, that’s all. I’m trying to look out for you. I know my brother.’
‘You think I don’t know him? He never treated me badly, Lee.’
‘But he never treated you the way you deserved, either,’ he argued. Then, sighing, he said, ‘Never mind. I don’t want to argue about that anymore. So. Costume for our party.’
‘Oh, don’t you worry about that.’ I grinned mischievously. ‘I have the perfect solution.’