RYDER KNEW HOW TARA struggled with the physical side of their relationship. But as for the rest? They fit together like a hand in a glove. She was surprisingly easy to be around. Tara wasn’t a loud or fussy person, but someone he wanted to spend all his time trying to saturate with love and attention. Even when they disagreed—for example, as they did about guns—she was never judgmental towards him. He just downplayed his interest and she knew not to nag him or try to convince him of her point of view.

However, she did continue seeking a way to receive pleasure in her body. She wasn’t overplaying her problem. Her entire body was as numb as a giant block of ice, as if she were hogtied. She got so nervous and uptight the moment they lay down, Ryder had to rub her muscles for at least a half hour before she could even begin to relax. He had no idea what to do about that. But trust seemed to be the root of her problem. Trust from her was precious and at no point would he laugh at her or nag or criticize her. She seemed uncomfortable with his frequent compliments, praise, and extra care. Not a clue how to accept them graciously. And it showed in almost every interaction. Yet, there was so much caring and compassion inside her. It bubbled literally just under the surface. She was anxiously waiting for someone to find it and nurture it and share it with her. She easily doted on Wyatt. Perhaps that was the factor that first made Ryder consider getting serious with her, after watching how easily she interacted with Wyatt at the café. Despite her occasional clumsiness about it, it didn’t change how hard she tried.

Intimacy was the greatest thing she wanted and yet she fought with him about it. She had no practice in speaking intimately, touching intimately, or trusting intimacy. He had no experience with women like her. He and Ebony had hit it off from the start. Sex was a smoking hot affair that included things like… well, things he now doubted he would ever have with Tara. Ebony was uninhibited and patiently taught him the many ways to love her.

He shook the thought off. He dared not compare a new relationship to his old one. Force of habit after being with Ebony for six years. A few months with someone new couldn’t erase it.

He saw how Tara was uncomfortable with compliments, and had no idea how to accept any pleasure for herself. His first battle was to teach her that she was capable of it. She had to give it to herself, just to discover the sensation. Knowing that she kept trying both surprised and pleased him. She only did it for him. But hell! He did need sexual relief. It was okay for a while, but long term? They had to figure out something. And having her just lying there and taking it wasn’t exactly the experience he imagined between them. Not when he desired her so much. Physically, emotionally, he wanted her in every way. So he hoped that by showering her with affection and care, he could nurture that little seed and watch it uncurl as it stretched up towards the sun and blossomed by the day. Her smiles came easier, and talking together comfortably with him became second nature. Her initial reserves started to slowly fade.

One evening, they went out to dinner and dropped Wyatt off at Ebony’s parents, who said they would watch him overnight. Tara often stayed with Ryder. She left clothes at his house, a nightgown and some personal items. Slowly, her personal things began to accumulate at his house. It was odd and good, but sometimes hard for him. The only woman he had ever lived with was Ebony. She was his only reference when it came to the idea of cohabitation with a woman. Tara and Ebony were as opposite as night and day; not only in the color of their skin, but also their personalities and preferences. Ebony was outgoing, friendly, lively, easily amused, and never standoffish. She smiled all the time, and possessed a healthy appetite for everything from food to sex to laughter to fun. Her voice was huge and she was quite vocal. There was something very honest about Ebony too, and you always knew where you stood with her. When she was happy, she often launched herself at Ryder in a full body attack, wrapping her legs around his waist, and her arms around his neck while he’d nearly collapse trying to catch her. She peppered his face in a dozen kisses, whether he surprised her by doing a load of laundry without her having to ask or by bringing her a single rose from their yard. She wasn’t hard to please. But in the same vein, she didn’t hesitate to yell and scream or throw things when she was angry. There were no games with Ebony, only daily living and lots of love.

Tara? Quiet. Reserved. Shy. Staying cool, calm, and collected at all times. She erected a “Do Not Cross” boundary which she kept around her at all times. She didn’t smile often and any enthusiasm she displayed was soft and subdued. He had to look for her joy. And work at creating it. She didn’t express any displeasure she had with him, however. He was never quite sure when he ticked her off or upset her because she didn’t come out and say it. Tara had private secrets. Ebony was as starkly honest as the sunlight shining through a window. Tara, on the other hand, was muted, like dark clouds covering a blue sky. Whether thunder, lightning or sunlight loomed behind those clouds, Ryder couldn’t tell.

She didn’t look like his type either. The stereotypical “California-girl” with her long, thick, blonde hair and white skin that easily tanned the minute the sun hit it. She was thin and beautiful. Ebony was dark-skinned and exotic, and very breathtaking… and she knew it. As with everything else, Ebony didn’t downplay it or act dumb to what the mirror so obviously reinforced to her. It required about twenty different cosmetics for her to get ready in the morning. She took forever. Tara, again, was the opposite. She brushed her hair and teeth, wore deodorant, generic body lotion, a swipe of mascara, and nude-colored lipstick. That was it.

Going from one extreme in a woman to the other was strange, to say the least. He had loved his wife with all his heart. There was a never a day he denied that, despite how it ended. But he fell hard and quick for Tara, which still surprised him, considering all their differences. The worst one for Ryder was that she was hard to know and relate to. Yet there was something fragile, vulnerable, and loveable about Tara. Her need for love and affection seeped from her pores, and yet, she didn’t know how to receive and take pleasure in it. She appeared so cool, quiet, and sophisticated, an undeniable beauty who rarely smiled or gave anyone the time of day. Ryder knew now it was only a cover-up for the lost little girl, that he alone saw in her.

Tara didn’t like sex. That was the biggest difference. It plagued them and tested them, and pushed his patience, and her ability to commit. It was a huge problem not only for him but also for Tara. She suffered from insecurity and self-doubt. She tried to improve it. He noticed more than a half dozen times when the box in the nightstand drawer had been moved. Her repeated attempts with the vibrator endeared her even more to his heart because he knew how hard it was for her. And the pressure she was under seemed to only exacerbate the problem.

Tonight, being in the hot tub loosened her up. She liked that a lot. She even began to smile and relax before she let go in there. Alcohol helped too. She became chattier and lost some of her residual reserve. He took her hand as she prepared to cross the room and hide in his bathroom… yet again. Her eyes grew big and weary, before dimming as he tugged her closer to him. He knew she would never voice any objection. Oddly, he was moved that she’d have tolerated him having sex with her every night if he asked her to. What he wanted, though, was for her to want to.

So he was trying… again.

He kissed her. She opened her mouth and their tongues touched and caressed. His hands went to the straps of her swimsuit and he pushed them down to her waist. He lifted his mouth off hers and deftly removed the wet garment, stripping it all the way to her feet. Her hand touched his shoulder as she lifted one foot and then the next while he dislodged it from her feet. Warm, damp skin made her tremble as the air cooled her naked body. Her nipples instantly hardened from the temperature change. He took her hand in his and pulled her, but not towards his bed, which she had started to turn towards. He led her to the cushy chair in the corner of the room. Bed might as well have been waving a giant sign in Tara’s brain that said SEX. Followed by “shut down” and “freeze up.”

Ryder sat down on the chair and pulled her into his lap, keeping her back to his front. Her naked butt was planted on his swimsuit-covered crotch. He pushed up towards her before pulling her back against him. Her head tilted, and her eyes were questioning. He leaned over her far enough that his mouth could reach hers. They kissed long and deep with their tongues and lips. His hands left her waist and moved towards her breasts. He cupped the weight of them in both his hands, which were now full of her, and his thumbs rubbed over the nipples.

He lifted his head up, breaking off their kiss and moving his lips to the top of her head. She sighed. “Ryder… you know this is just a waste of time…”

“I like the way you feel.”

“I don’t,” she sighed. Her head shook on his chest. “I mean, I like the way you feel. But I don’t like the way I feel.”

“Just lie here. Don’t make any pretend noises. Don’t move. Don’t try to relax. Don’t try to please me. Just lie against me and let me touch you. Push me away if you don’t like what I’m doing. But don’t worry about it either.”

Her head bobbed up and down as she inhaled a huge breath, mostly for courage. He had to bite his lip to restrain a sad, pathetic groan. He loved a woman who had to literally talk herself into tolerating his touching her. Not because of hurt or sexual assault, but simply because she couldn’t enjoy it.

He played with her nipples, rubbing and tweaking them long and thoroughly. She flipped her head around after a few minutes. Breathy sighs came from her mouth. He frowned and stopped, cupping her face and tilting it to his. “I told you not to pretend. I don’t need that to ease this for me. I’m well aware of how long it takes you. I don’t get bored. I don’t need my ego stroked. Just be, Tara. Just… be yourself.”

Her eyebrows lowered and she scowled at him. “How do you know that?”

“Because I can tell.”

“I can’t just be.”

“Yes, you can. You do it when I rub your back. So just be while I rub your pussy.”

She flinched when his hand dropped down and he cupped her crotch. Having restrained himself by remaining so polite with her to date was quite the opposite of Ebony. Perhaps shock therapy wasn’t such an outrageous venue to try.

“Okay?” he asked, putting his lips in her hair. She nodded her head.

He started slowly by rubbing her pubic hair. Her body wasn’t wet and she wasn’t faking it. He’d been with her long enough to know that. He rubbed his thumb gently along both sides of her opening, dipping his fingers barely inside. Then he stroked a bit higher. He rubbed her clit and dipped his fingers deeper inside her. Her body stayed tense and her mouth went completely silent. She couldn’t move a muscle. It was a bit incongruous for Ryder after being with Ebony. Tara didn’t whimper or even breathe harder in the sexual build-up. Despite plenty of permission, she remained deathly silent and didn’t move at all. Nothing. Nothing unnecessary. They’d done this before. He stroked, kissed, and massaged her, aiming towards something until they realized nothing would happen for her. Then, she usually did whatever she could to finish him off. Never her.

After a long while, he sighed and spoke into her hair, “Do you ever get wet when you use the vibrator?”

She jerked upright. She didn’t like talking about that. “I… well, a… little.”

“You ever consider letting me use it on you?”

She went from being limp over his body to instantly taut. “Use it on me? Like you’ll… watch?”

“No. Like I’ll do it. Nothing else we’ve tried has worked.”

“I told you…”

“Yes, I know. You weren’t kidding. Now can I just try?”

“That sounds embarrassing. I don’t even like discussing it. I can’t. I won’t relax. Besides then it’s not… just us.”

He kissed her temple. “I want to bring you pleasure. I don’t care what that involves, outside help or just my body parts. I only want to please you, Tara.” He was playing dirty. He knew she’d give in. She usually did. She let him try anything he suggested. Nothing worked and that was the problem, but not for lack of trying.

Her head jerked up and down and he pushed her forward so he could get up. She perched naked on the edge of the chair. He walked over to the nightstand, and her eyes were heavy on his back. He opened the lock box and dragged out the last straw of hope he saw for them… her pleasure-maker.

Her eyes stayed focused on it, and not him. The apprehension in her eyes made him feel like he was wielding a weapon, not a sex toy. He squished in behind her and pulled her back before kissing her again. She was all stressed out and he seriously doubted she could relax under these circumstances. The first thing she had to do was let go of whatever blocked her brain from accepting pleasure.

He tucked her back against him and she let him, spreading her legs just barely enough to give him access again. He brought it to her opening and she turned her face away while closing her eyes. Her embarrassment was high, judging by the color in her cheeks. Guilt crept in, making him uncomfortable, but Ryder was determined to find a way to break through whatever prevented her from receiving joy during the act of love. He clicked it on and touched her. Her entire body was tightly wound. He kissed the side of her jaw and brushed his mouth over ear.

“Tell me if you’d like it somewhere special.”

She shrugged and nodded. He moved it along her opening at first. Minutes passed. He pushed it gently around her, trying different spots. She stiffened at one point and he took that subtle change as a clue. A starting place perhaps. He went back there and let it vibrate until she began breathing faster. Holding it there, he moved it around, rubbing her breast as he did so. Her hands suddenly wrapped around his wrist and she yanked it away from him.

“I can’t.”

He stared at her for a moment before sweeping her aside. He stood up and wrapped her in his arms. Taking the few steps to the bed, he lay her down on her back. Then he crossed the room and came back with his phone and a pair of headphones that were big and black. Wyatt often used them in the car to watch movies.

“Put these on. Then close your eyes.”

“What?” Her gaze was perplexed and her eyebrows nearly crossed with disdain.

He nodded at them. “On. Now. Eyes closed.”

She frowned but did as he ordered. He set the music on loud, drowning out everything. She flopped back and closed her eyes. He started the vibrator again and stood off to the side so she wasn’t distracted by his presence. Then he set it on her again. Landing right on her clit, he let it simply vibrate away, going hard and intensely on her. Her facial expression contorted. She was uncomfortable and unsure. It took her a while to relax and let her body just be. Ryder finally saw her head surrender to its usual battle with her emotions. Her body eventually relaxed. She didn’t have to look at him, hear him, or acknowledge him. He controlled the vibrator so even her hands were relaxed. True to herself, she didn’t start writhing or moaning although her knee suddenly shot up. Only minutes later, twenty or more, much longer than any man could handle or manipulate using his hands, mouth or penis, her bottom and hips began to inch upwards toward the vibrator. Ryder nearly sighed with relief. He tilted his head in almost a prayer. Dear GOD! Finally. She felt something. Her mouth opened and her breath escalated. She pushed her hips up higher, in a more natural thrust towards pleasure; she was definitely seeking pleasure. It was a mission accomplished for her. He’d be the first to attest to that.

He kept the vibrator on her and inside her until finally, he felt wetness. He nearly dipped his finger inside, licking her, and sinking himself deep inside her. But no. No! That was down the road. This was the first step. Tara had to know what the whole damn point of sex was.

Tenacity. Tenacity, time, and patience turned out to be the three factors Tara required. He wasn’t sure how long it took, but finally, it worked. She started to squirm and her mouth twisted as she drew in a deep breath. She suddenly lay flat and seemed to deflate and her eyes fluttered open. She stared out for a moment. Ryder lowered the vibrator and shut it off. She yanked off the headphones. Did she come? He wasn’t entirely certain. But she seemed to have experienced something. That was light years beyond the usual outcome.

Finally, she met his gaze.

“That was… That was so odd.”

“Odd, like?” Had he misjudged it?

She sat up, drawing her legs in. “Like my fingertips and toes suddenly tingled and my skin felt overly sensitized and this wild urge kept building and building and then it seemed to kind of wash all over me and… and…”

“Did you come?”

“I think so.”

He smiled, setting the vibrator aside and holding her in his arms. He held her around the waist and she snuggled up to him. He reached down and felt between her legs. Dampness made his fingers wet. He kissed her head. “Next time will be easier and it’ll only get better, and even more intense. It’ll soon start to make sense, and then it will be easier still. Pretty soon, you’ll understand why I pressed you so hard to do this.”

She shut her eyes. “Yes, but it still wasn’t from you and me…”

He leaned back and stared into her eyes, touching her delicious mouth with his knuckles. “Yes, but it was a first. A start. There’s hope it can happen later with us. Did it feel good?”

Her eyeballs darted around. But finally, a little smile appeared on her lips. “Yes. But different from what I was thinking.”

“What were you thinking?”

Her shoulders shrugged under his arms. “I don’t know. More…” Her voice faded off. “More centralized. Like localized right there… not so all-consuming and kind of spreading everywhere.”

He stifled a laugh. He didn’t dare mock her or even appear amused. This was a breakthrough experience for her. His goal was to encourage her to embrace it and not be embarrassed by it. He kissed her again. “Someday, it’ll feel great. And then it becomes exquisite and then you can call it mind-blowing and then…”

Her expression faded. “You can’t read too much into this. You see how hard it was already…”

He embraced her in a big, deep bear hug. “Tara Aderly, quit it. Success. This was a success and there’s nothing to start stressing over or anything else you can say that will change it. Okay? Nothing. We did it.”

She hugged him back. “Ryder?”

“Yeah?”

“I liked it too.”

He kissed the end of her nose. “That’s all I wanted. For you to like it.”

“It’s a little awkward, though, getting it to happen.”

“It’ll become easier. This is only the beginning, you’ll see.”

She shook her head. “I can’t believe I let you do that. Made you do that. But even more alarming, I can’t believe I did it.”

He smiled and so did she. Then her smile vanished and in a serious tone, she said, “Thank you, Ryder. You can’t know how much this means to me.”

He did, actually. He could tell by the serious expression on her face. And by how many times he had watched her struggle, trying to force herself and pleasing only him. Never even remotely thinking to please herself. He kissed her in a long, lingering kiss. “I do, actually, I know exactly what it means. And you’re very welcome. I love you, Tara.”

She closed her eyes and a small, sweet smile tilted her lips up. She whispered, “That feels even better.”

He knew that too. She might learn to enjoy sex, and finally have orgasms. But what Tara really needed and craved was love. Unobstructed and unconditional love. He believed the longer she received that, the easier it would be for her body to graciously but eagerly accept pleasure.

****

Her heart was racing. She did it. Her entire body was tingling and aware. Her blood had finally found a way to flow into each dark corner of her heart and her extremities. She was warm all over. Hot. Nearly burning up in feelings. It was all so much and so new. She never dreamed it would ever happen.

Ryder slept with his mouth slightly open and one arm lying across his bare chest. Her heart lifted and pumped loudly as she stared at his face. She studied every angle of his profile, the shadow of his eyelashes, the bump of his nose, and the fullness of his jaw. Each spot her gaze touched made her heart melt with joy. Love. So much of it bubbled inside her. She had never experienced it before. She touched his mop of curly, unruly, chestnut hair.

He brought her into his life, giving her access to his job, his house, his child, his emotions… and his heart without a moment’s hesitation. He accepted all of her oddities. Her lack of feelings. Her frigidity. Her secrets. He let her keep all of it. And strangely, as impossible as it once seemed, he fully accepted everything about her. His openness and ability to take her as she was released something that was deep and real inside her. He had faith in her when no one else did.

And he trusted her.

She nearly whimpered while he slept so soundly beside her after spending so much time and thought and concern trying to figure out how to give her sexual pleasure. And with no real benefit to him. Why? What other man would undertake such a thing?

And he didn’t even know her real name.

The guilt ripped through her chest. So many times, it perched on the tip of her tongue, and she wanted to say something. To blurt out who she was. Her last name, for God’s sake! But she didn’t because their relationship went from being casual to something deep and in that transition, she stopped feeling comfortable about telling him. She’d been so unsure she could trust him that she refused to tell him. Then, when she suddenly discovered this amazing, loving, fun, hot, affectionate, and wonderful relationship, she failed to bring it up. How could she backtrack now?

So it went, on and on. Fear kept her silent. Her tongue felt thick and useless. She didn’t know what to do. She had never trusted anyone or allowed so much of the real her and her true feelings to emerge and yet, she still didn’t trust him with the one thing she so casually told other, less deserving people. People far less caring or trustworthy.

He’d see his own wife in her. If she told him now, he’d expect more betrayal and the kind of behavior that didn’t jive with what she projected. Just as his wife did to him. She didn’t want to do that.

Tara didn’t want to lose him. Most of all, she didn’t want to lose his trust.

She was so scared, but only of losing him now.