TARA WALKED INTO WORK after what felt like an epic date, only to find her routine the same as usual. It was disconcerting. She felt changed, transformed, nearly like a butterfly flying free from a chrysalis, and yet… everyone and everything were the same. Gary still came in, looking sad and still crushing on her, overeating, smiling hopefully, and eventually leaving after finishing his dessert. Petra still clucked her tongue as she spoke and Chet still stayed quiet even when she asked him a direct question. Meanwhile, Chloe always dashed around, a ball of energy and incessantly busy. Tara found herself staring covertly too often at Chloe. She was trying to see the face of the woman Ryder once loved. It must have been so incongruous for him to see that face almost every day on another woman.

Tara felt like singing as she went about her work, but she managed to contain it. She blushed to the roots of her hair again when Ryder did finally come in, two hours later than his usual lunch time. Tara diligently looked for him for hours and each passing moment made her stomach churn with nerves, wondering, Where is he? She got excited to see him but also anxious since it was here at work. Especially now, after the great change, as she mentally referred to it, in her life. And it truly was. Right up there with the changes in having a decent place to live and a good job.

At two o’clock, he finally came in. He looked tired, and mud was spattered on his pants. He sat down with a heavy sigh as he set his coat beside him. Tara braced herself, her stomach roiling in tight knots that seemed to only worsen the moment she had to walk over to his table with a water pitcher in her hand. Feeling triply aware of her stupid hair and the unflattering uniform and shoes, she remembered Ryder didn’t care. He glanced up with a tired smile, and the warmth of his gaze falling over her nearly made her almost trip and pour the entire pitcher of water on him. She set his glass down and leaned closer. As she did, Ryder’s lips were beside her ear. He said softly, “It’s probably a good thing you have no idea what I’m thinking right now.”

She glanced at him, tipping the water pitcher upright as she asked, “What do you mean?”

He sighed but soon grinned. “You really are oblivious to the effect you have on males, aren’t you?”

“Are you being… dirty?” Her eyebrows twisted downwards.

He laughed outright. “Yes, Tara, I was being filthy dirty. Right in here,” he said, pointing at his head and her mouth popped open.

“But I thought you knew my whole…”

He leaned back. “Doesn’t mean I have that issue…”

She couldn’t help the smile that brightened her face. “You’re awful.”

“Well, I was. But I hope to change that,” he said in a low, intimate voice. She whipped her head up and his eyes glinted with blatant seduction and teasing. It was a new combination for her. All of it.

She licked her lips. “Why are you so late?”

His smile disappeared. “Long afternoon. Some poachers were out using a gillnet on the river.”

“I’m sorry.”

“But my day just got a whole lot better now that I’m seeing you.”

She rolled her eyes. “What a lame line.”

“It made you smile, so good enough.”

“I’ll get your meal.”

“Wait,” he called and she turned back. “How’s your day going? How are you?”

She shrugged nonchalantly. She didn’t dare admit that she had been all but pacing during the last two hours, waiting for him and trying to be patient with the customers. For once, she had no interest in the patrons, just him. “Fine. Usual. Just…”

“Just?”

“I was nervous for you to come in.”

“And now that I have?”

“It’s good. Normal. Still…”

“Us?”

She nodded, smiling faintly. “Yes, it still feels like us.”

“If I could kiss you right now…”

She dipped her head and left, but the smile on her face was a dead giveaway if anyone glanced her way.

She monitored Ryder as he ate and finished serving her other tables. When he slid to his feet and began pulling his coat on, she was returning from delivering a check to another couple. She almost ran right into his chest. Ryder simply put his arms around her waist and drew her towards him. Flabbergasted, she stared up at him and he tilted his chin down. He shrugged, sliding his mouth up. “The hell with it. I’m too old to be hiding stuff like this,” he muttered as he touched his lips to her cheek. His kiss was very chaste and sweet although her entire body reacted to it. “Dinner tonight?”

“Um… sure.”

He smiled. “Okay. Day’s already so much better,” he said as he turned and left. She was still standing in the middle of the restaurant, with all the diners staring at her as she watched him leaving with her mouth half open in shock. Did that just happen?

She shut her mouth at once and glanced around, not failing to notice the stark silence. “Did Ryder Kincaid just kiss you?” Petra asked, her voice filled with awe.

Tara blushed and every nerve ending she possessed seemed to explode. Nodding, her mouth couldn’t stay closed; she had to break into a huge smile. “Yes, we… we’re dating.” There. She said it. She declared a fact although she had to force the words out.

The entire place was suddenly abuzz with questions and exclamations. She dodged through them and retreated to the back of the kitchen. Chloe stood there, cold-faced and staring at her. Tara fisted her hands and steeled her spine. She hadn’t done anything wrong.

She responded to Chloe’s unspoken accusation in a tone as cool as Chloe’s frown. “I thought we agreed to keep it discreet. That’s why I didn’t say anything.”

“How long?”

“Literally since this weekend. I should have told you and I’m sorry, Chloe. I know what he is to you. But… I really like him and I think… I think he really likes me. At least, he says he does. He says he has fun with me and he hasn’t had much fun except with Wyatt in a long while. And so… well, it’s just… us, you know, having a nice time together.”

Chloe’s eyes closed. “I know. He deserves that. It’s been such a long time. It’s just that for me, well… it’s hard to see. Surprising, really. I picture my sister… and…” Chloe shook her head. “I just thought, for Wyatt’s sake…”

“I’m not going to be his mother. Or his stepmother. Just… I’m his friend. I’m not trying to step on anyone’s toes.”

Chloe sighed. “I know it, damn it, Tara. You’re a nice woman. Reserved and totally unassuming. I know. It’s my issue, not yours. Or Ryder’s.”

“For what it’s worth, I am sorry about… your sister.”

“Me too. But that doesn’t mean Ryder doesn’t deserve to move on and have a happy life… and Wyatt too.”

Tara excused herself into the restroom to splash water onto her face. She stared in the mirror. Associating with other people and being a part of society was hard sometimes. As hard as being homeless was in some respects.

Later, when Ryder came to get Wyatt, he asked to drive Tara home.

She nodded and followed him out to his truck. He handed Wyatt his phone and Wyatt started playing a loud game on it. “Did anyone say anything? About us?” Ryder asked Tara.

She described Chloe’s reaction.

“I should have handled that differently. It was just kind of spontaneous. I get tired of being so… well-behaved. You know?”

“No. I just know that everyone was shocked when they saw you kissing me. And Chloe thought she was ready to see you move on from her sister. But she’s not. What do I really think? I think she was hoping her sister would return home someday and be with you again.”

He nodded. “Most likely you’re right. Ebony is her sister. You can’t really blame her. She’s grieved as much as I have.”

Tara crossed her arms over her chest. “You said Ebony left. How? On what terms did she leave?”

Quiet descended after her question. She fidgeted around. Did she cross a line that she shouldn’t have? “Ryder? Would you rather not answer that?”

He sucked in a large breath and let it out. “It’s okay. It’s just what she did still surprises me. Every time I recall it, it socks me right in the gut again. She left me a note. Actually, she mailed it to me. Can you imagine? She left without word. She had to mail it. She admitted she could not do this anymore and she was sorry but she had to go to find herself and could never do it if she stayed here with me and Wyatt.”

“There were no signs or indications leading up to it?”

“There was some discontent. She collapsed into a terrible postpartum depression after Wyatt was born. It was a painful experience for both of us. But I didn’t blame her. I researched it and knew she wasn’t trying to be sad. And then she just disappeared.”

“That’s it? All you ever heard from her was that one letter?”

“No, she also cleared out our savings account. That was her parting gift, I suppose. She pocketed every last dollar we saved, and honestly? I saved up for a lot for years before I met her, so it really wasn’t all hers to take. But anything beyond that? No. I never even had a forwarding address to send her the divorce papers. I had to publish my intention to divorce her in the local paper. That was the only way I could prove that I looked for her but couldn’t locate her. Anyway, I completed the process and we are legally divorced, Tara. I’m available and single.”

Tara’s heart rate increased as she listened to him. Of course he was still pretty bitter and angry at the woman who abandoned him and especially his son. The baby who would never know his mother.

But it was not the same as what Tara did to her family. For one thing, she had no child. She didn’t leave anyone who was totally dependent on her. And second, she was practically a child herself when she ran away from home. There was no comparison to draw between what Ebony Kincaid did and what Tara did.

“I don’t know how someone can just walk away from their family like Ebony did. No word. No thought as to how it might have destroyed the ones she left behind. I can’t understand how anyone could be so cold and unfeeling to her own family.”

Let her count the ways… Her family created a more toxic environment for Tara than living all alone on the streets. The emotional damage they inflicted was deep and far-reaching, so much more than not knowing when you’ll eat your next meal. She licked her lips and said softly, “So even Chloe was shocked to learn how she left like she did?” Tara’s attempts to learn more about Ryder and Ebony while avoiding a discussion of why someone might leave their family without a word and disappear for years and years was difficult for her to navigate. She kept her face averted because she began turning every shade of red. The hypocrisy of her criticizing Ebony was so blatant in her own mind. She tried to tiptoe around it.

“Yes. Chloe was shocked. They… did you know she and Ebony owned the café together? Chloe was left alone with it and was just as upset as I was. It was so unlike Ebony. You know? Or the person we thought she was. Maybe it was the effects of her postpartum depression, but for the absence to stretch on all these years? How could she abandon her family? It’s not just me… How could she leave her son, her parents, and her identical twin sister? It’s such a great family. We saw them often because she utterly adored them… Then she broke all of our hearts by robbing me of my savings and ditching everyone.”

It tugged heavily at Tara’s heart and she wanted to say something. If only she could express something that was deep and insightful, but she didn’t know how to. She wasn’t sure what to say. She abandoned her parents and siblings… but the difference was, Tara did not leave a loving family in her wake. It wasn’t the same. Not at all. Tara reminded herself of that and decided she should never forget it.

No two situations or people are the same, and leaving her own family without a word wasn’t the same as Ebony running away from her responsibility as a mother and wife. Right? She had to believe that.

Suddenly, the other piece of information Ryder said filtered into her thoughts. “Wait. If Ebony used to own half of the café, does that mean you own it now?”

He glanced her way. “Yes. Technically. I got everything we owned in the divorce. She failed to respond so I got all the community property by default.”

“So that’s why you eat all your meals there for free. Does that mean you’re also my boss?”

“No. I do get free food because I’m part owner. But I don’t touch the business end. It’s all Chloe’s to run and do whatever she wants with. I’m a game warden, Tara, not a restaurant manager.”

“Oh. That was really decent of you.”

His smile was small. “I always try to be,” he said softly. Then he added. “Try and remember that. Whatever happens or goes on, I always try to do the right thing.”

She pressed her lips together in a thin line. Could she claim that about herself? She wanted to. She desperately wanted to say that with regard to herself. But after listening to what Ebony’s disappearance did to her family, Tara wondered, What if my disappearance caused pain in my family? No. She banished that thought. Her family was nothing like Ebony’s. No. No one cared when she left. Perhaps her mother missed some of the acclaim and attention she received as a dance mom, but otherwise? No one ever missed her.

Maybe Tristan did. If he ever glanced up from his work long enough to remember her, he just might have had some twinges of concern as to her whereabouts. He might have even thought he missed her, but there was little doubt in Tara’s mind that his heart didn’t. Tristan couldn’t even tap into his emotions, much less let them overrule his logic. Perhaps on her birthday or on holidays, Tristan might actually have missed her physical presence. Perhaps.

But he would never really miss her, or long for her, and feel his life was over. Years later, did they hurt like Chloe, her parents, and Ryder did over Ebony? No. It wasn’t that way in her family.

Ryder leaned across the seat and took her hand in his, squeezing it. “I didn’t mean to upset you with all that talk about my ex. I worked through my anger towards her. Honestly. It’s not going to jump back up and hurt you. If she returned tomorrow, I’d have to allow her into Wyatt’s life, but not back into mine. Not beyond our roles in co-parenting. Okay? I made my peace with her desertion, along with my disappointment over the mother and wife she turned out to be, and I fell out of love with her because of that.”

Tara gripped his hand and nodded. “It doesn’t upset me. I’d rather hear you talk about it all than be so negatively affected by her absence that you couldn’t discuss her. That would signal that you still have unresolved feelings about her.”

“I have feelings, sure. But they are not unresolved. I know what they are. And they definitely aren’t longing or love.”

“And you do have a son with her. You can’t pretend like he doesn’t have a mother.”

He tugged her hand to his mouth and kissed the back of it. The simple, sweet gesture made her heart thump and melted her entire body. Any affection in Tara’s life was usually withheld, if not entirely absent. The only times she had received it was on a conditional basis, so it was pretty amazing to have it simply given for no reason. Just because Ryder liked to. And Tara didn’t know how to accept it as easily as he offered it.

He walked her up to her door. “Do you still want to go out to dinner? Maybe we could see a movie too. It’s a Disney movie, but…” He shrugged, making a face.

Her heart bumped. “That’s exactly what I’d like to do.”

His smile was just as big as hers and her entire core melted and felt all warm… Honestly? She was more turned on than she could ever remember. When he leaned down and swiped his lips over hers, she wondered if what she felt shifting in her heart was her sexually responding to him? Maybe it was something that had never engaged before. Maybe that would make all the difference. Maybe Ryder could crack all the frigid ice that seemed to numb her to the the very center of her being.

****

That was just the start. She was being wooed.

There was no other word she could find to describe it. He picked her up for dinner several nights a week, and brought his son too. They went out a few times but mostly they ate at his house. They played lots of board games with Wyatt and Tara watched more cartoons and under-twelve, family-friendly movies than she’d ever watched in her life, even as a child. No one in her family had cared what she watched or ever monitored her. They had better things to do. She remembered watching a horror movie when she was five years old and not being able to sleep for almost a year from all the subsequent nightmares.

Ryder never insisted she have sex with him and never mentioned it again. She thought that would be the main topic on his mind after what she told him. No. He continued to ask her out to various meals and activities or simply just to hang out at his house. Most of the time, Wyatt was also around. There was no denying how much she liked being with both of them. She grew used to it very quickly. And liked it so much. To describe her days now? She had a productive job that she enjoyed, which allowed her to interact with various kinds of people. Only a year ago, Tara would have run the other direction if anyone tried to approach her on the street. She also enjoyed a close friendship with Petra and Chloe, something she never shared with any other females in her life.

And Ryder. Tara grew increasingly more reliant on seeing him in her spare time. It was a new and very strange dynamic for her, having someone in her life on a daily basis. He never failed to ask how her day was. And how she was. Like clockwork. No one had ever cared or asked about her comings and goings, or randomly discussed their thoughts, no matter how insignificant. Yet Ryder seemed interested in all of it. He asked. She hadn’t been asked many questions in her life. No one seemed to care about her opinion. At eight years old, and just a little girl, her mother and father never asked her how her day at school was. She attended a private school, the best in the county with ridiculously exorbitant tuition per year. But no one ever asked how she was doing there. The answer they would have received if they did ask was not well. Her grades had been invariably low and she had to struggle to keep up. She had private tutoring too, but it never seemed enough to get her caught up. Far be it from her parents to even crack a book open on their own to help her. Tara learned early on to keep her thoughts, concerns, and worries, be they big or small, entirely to herself.

At an early age and straight on into her teen years, she learned how to react like the typical adolescent. Her mother’s constant nagging and criticism resulted in her having a small appetite. She ate very little and eventually became so sick she had to be hospitalized. For Tara, that was a breaking point. Her wakeup call, but not like most would think. It was never about food for her. She didn’t need to learn how to eat again and not starve herself. No. Her stay in the hospital taught her that her family truly didn’t give a damn about her. She realized then that their neglect would eventually kill her. She had to get away from them or she’d simply waste away. Not long after she was released from the hospital, she left home for good. Forever, she vowed. And the truth was, she had never waffled on that proclamation and decision.

Ryder’s story evoked a comparison between herself and Ebony. Tara also burned the bridge with her family, but still, it wasn’t the same.

Most evenings, Ryder took Tara home around eight so Wyatt could get to bed on time. On weekends, he went to bed closer to ten, but Tara and Ryder were careful not to cross any lines in front of him. Wyatt considered Tara his and he liked her. Once in a while, Ryder held her hand or kissed her cheek, forehead or lips in front of Wyatt. But nothing more intimate.

It was Friday night and Ryder asked Tara, “Why don’t you stay over tonight?”

“What? What about Wyatt?” Tara’s nerves started fluttering in an old, familiar pattern that she hadn’t endured for a while. Wyatt wasn’t the problem, it was the staying overnight part. The part that involved sex. So far, their relationship was platonic, which was totally fine with her. She liked his sweet good-night kisses and the random affectionate displays when he touched her. But being around an inquisitive five-year-old, there was no wild groping or make-out sessions that could have led to more. They were dating without sex. And Tara was fast becoming comfortable in the opinion that this was the way it should be. But with that one sentence, there flew the little cloud of affection she had created.

And here they were, right back to sex.

“I was thinking it’s time to explain to him that you and I are more than just friends.”

Of course he was right. It had been two months of nothing but PG dates. They had fun by doing family activities, going to dinners and movies and the park, as well as venturing out in their boat occasionally. Tara realized this was the most she’d ever gotten to know anyone, man, woman, or child, in her whole life. She loved it and found she was having conversations she never considered having before. No one ever asked what her thoughts or opinions were on… well, on anything. Not from the time when she was a kid or a teen and certainly not while she was homeless on the street. Not only being asked her opinion, but having someone listen to it who valued it, were two things that were so unfamiliar to her. It was a heady, powerful experience.

Tara believed she was getting way more out of their relationship than Ryder was, far more. But she realized it was time he got something out of it too. Of course. They were adults after all. It was time to do more than just kiss each other good night. And it was ludicrous to curb their bedtimes based on his five-year-old’s sleeping schedule.

Smiling, she nodded. “Sure. As long as you think it’s appropriate, of course. We should tell him.”

She kept her face pointing downwards and he set his hand over hers, leaning forward until he was in her direct line of vision. A cocky little smile curled his lips as he squeezed her hand in his. “It doesn’t mean I plan to jump you the minute I put him to bed. Remember? We’re not going to do that. This?” He swung his arms around, encompassing the room. “All this time together is for you to grow more comfortable with me and us and being with us. You’re about a hundred percent more comfortable than you first were. You could barely glance my way in the beginning, and now you’ll sit right down next to me without a problem. So don’t think for a single minute that I would blow it by trying to force anything now.”

She couldn’t keep from smiling back at him. He was so damn decent to her. “It’s like you get right inside my brain.”

“It’s not that hard. I simply pay attention and now I’m starting to know you.”

She frowned and shook her head. “I swear to God, you might be the first one that did.”

He touched her cheek. “You chip a little piece off my heart when you say stuff like that. I don’t want you to go back to that awful existence again.”

Her heart lurched in her chest and her eyes filled with tears at his soft, caring voice. He truly had feelings for her. She wondered how to handle his precious concern and care. She’d honestly never had it before. It was selfless. Coming from a desire to make her feel better. He had no intentions of getting anything out of her. She almost felt undeserving for all the thoughtfulness he showed her.

He didn’t force his opinions, ideas, or himself on her. He didn’t try to control her life or take it over. That’s what her grandfather used to do. Sure, he might have given her some of the attention her father denied her, but her grandfather’s devotion came with a price tag. And his price tag was expensive. Unbridled loyalty. The standards he insisted upon were impossible to meet and no one could. He deliberately set people up to fail, and when they did, he lost his shit. He had no idea of how to forgive. He wanted to control every aspect of her life and her personality. He demanded things from her that she could not provide. Although he paid for her treatment in the hospital for anorexia, he didn’t care why she became that way, or how she should function once she returned from the hospital.

Ryder’s level of caring was free of strings and control and debts, so it was hard to process or even accept for Tara. But time was allowing her to loosely feel like she deserved it.

Ryder dropped little hints, saying they would last “more than a month or even several months, possibly years.” He thought they would remain together indefinitely. Tara avoided huge words like forever and refused to discuss the rest of their lives. But that didn’t stop Ryder from speaking as if he expected them to stay together. As if she could rely on that. Maybe he’d be around next year, or even the following year… and then her brain stopped. That was too much. Too far ahead and too much pressure. She didn’t know for sure and would not believe it.

She faltered over the words to express those things to him. Her sentiments usually came out in clipped snippets, like when she said, “Okay. I’ll spend the night.”

Ryder seemed to consider her consent as a proclamation of something much bigger.

He nodded and called out, “Hey, Wyatt? Come here.”

Wyatt came down the stairs, thumping loudly on each step. “Yeah, Daddy?” he asked, his voice rising up at the end. He had on red and blue pajamas. He was a special child and full of so much charisma, Tara was sure he could end up being anything he wanted to be in the world.

Ryder put his hand out and Wyatt easily ran forward and took it in his, cuddling into his dad’s warm embrace. That right there might have been the key reason why she felt so comfortable and easy around Ryder. How swiftly and naturally he held his son in his embrace. How often he did it. Most of all, how much he wanted to do it. He seemed to have this innate ability or instinct to know exactly what to say or do with Wyatt. For Tara, it was the most loving kindness she’d ever seen a man give his son.

And yet, he carried around a gun all day. Tara was surprised how easily he managed to smash through some pretty deep prejudices and preconceived notions she previously had.

“So, Wyatt… Tara has agreed to be my girlfriend. Do you know what that means?”

Wyatt’s little head bobbled up and down. He was so relaxed and loosely draped all over Ryder’s lap as he leaned into his chest, he had to tilt his head to see his dad’s face upside-down. He lifted a hand and rubbed Ryder’s chin while giggling. “Yes. I know what that is. It means kissing!”

A smile appeared on his lips. “Yup. And it also means she might sleep over sometimes with me. Be here in the morning. That okay with you?”

“You mean like for breakfast?”

“Yup. She’d be here for breakfast.”

Tara marveled over Ryder’s easy articulation when he spoke to Wyatt. She was blushing clear to the roots of her hair and sweltering with worry over what Wyatt would think of “staying overnight” and “being there for breakfast.” Did Wyatt have a clue what else it meant? Was there any connotation of sex? Or something different than just friends? She was mortified to think what would happen if Wyatt figured something like that out on his own.

“Yeah. We can eat smiley-faced pancakes, ‘kay?”

“’Kay. We could probably do that. That also means we don’t have to take her home after dinner. Seems a lot easier, huh?”

“Yes.” Wyatt nodded.

“Also means you can get to bed on time more often,” Ryder added with a grin. He stood up and Wyatt’s lithe body slid down Ryder’s until he landed on his feet. He tugged on his boy’s hand, urging him to follow as Wyatt groaned and squealed. He was laughing out loud and trying to dig his heels in to avoid going upstairs. Ryder eventually scooped him up in his arms. Leaning Wyatt towards her, he said, “Say good night to Tara.”

Wyatt was still squealing as he gave her big kiss on the side of her cheek. “Night, Tara.”

To her surprise, Wyatt wasn’t the issue. She had never dreamed of dating a man with a son. She never thought she could deal with so much responsibility. But with Wyatt? She didn’t have to deal with it. He was so happy and joyful and full of life that she adored having him around. He had to be an anomaly in Tara’s opinion. She was amazed how much she liked him and how easy he was to love. His easy acceptance of her presence in his life, and his dad’s life, remained a mystery to her. Why didn’t he ever get angry when she took Ryder’s attention? But Wyatt only seemed to embrace her even more.

After twenty minutes, Ryder came back down the stairs and the house fell deathly silent. He stood with his hands on his hips but soon dropped his hands to her waist as he pulled her forwards against him. This time, he let their hips align and their bodies touched, not as innocently as he would have done in front of Wyatt. He leaned his forehead onto hers. “So, you want to try the hot tub again? Have a glass of wine perhaps?”

“Two things to loosen me up?”

He grinned and his hand played with the ends of her hair as he swept it off her shoulder. “Yup. Wanna try?”

She couldn’t help admiring his honesty. “Fine.”

She kept a swimsuit there and they’d been in the hot tub with Wyatt plenty of times before, but never alone since that first night. Ryder disappeared and came back with his swim trunks on before going into the kitchen to grab the wine and two glasses. Tara entered the spare room where she kept her swimsuit and the few personal items she often used while visiting there. Changing quickly, she came out to find the downstairs lights were all out. The back patio lights were on and she could barely make out Ryder’s dark figure as he pulled the cover off the hot tub. She walked out into the cool night air, gripping her towel. Slipping down into the warm water finally, she sighed as the steam wafted around her, smelling of chlorine. She sipped her wine and rested her head on the lip of the tub.

“You should have seen the guy I pulled over today.”

Tara tilted her head up to indicate she was listening and smiled. She was well aware that he was only saying it to make her feel more at ease. “Yeah? What did he do?”

Ryder began to narrate a long story about the dead deer the guy killed illegally. It was six months until deer season and he had obviously poached it. “The drag marks from the deer’s body were obvious from the main road and his pickup was parked right out in the middle of nowhere. I simply followed the trail and found him elbow deep in the guts of the deer, his knife still in hand. I often wonder what the hell is wrong with people. At least if you’re going to commit a crime, don’t be so stupid. All he had to do was throw the deer in the back of his truck and no one would have known he’d even taken it. No. He decides to dress it right then and there. I guess he was figuring no one could see him out there.”

Laughing out loud, Tara agreed. It felt pleasant to discuss their days’ highlights and disappointments. She sighed, thinking she could easily get used to having this kind of rapport with another adult. Someone else’s interest being directed towards her daily life and struggles, both big and small, as well as her opinions on everything. And she enjoyed giving it right back to Ryder. He often discussed touchy situations with her and listened to her advice a few times when she disagreed with his take on them. That was another huge surprise to her.

Finally, the heat was getting too extreme so they both got out and toweled off on the deck before entering the dark house. Her skin was toasty and warm to the air, keeping the chill at bay. He’d fed Daisy earlier and she came trotting from the laundry room. She hastily went upstairs, obviously intent on going to bed.

Just as they were headed. Ryder went up first. Tara nearly gulped out loud as she gripped the towel around her chest. With resolute determination, she followed Ryder and the dog upstairs.

Entering the bedroom, Ryder dropped his towel on the floor and turned away from her. His swim trunks were halfway off and his bare butt was towards her. It was smooth and firm and super-white. She laughed internally, and her heart sped up.

He glanced over his shoulder. “Don’t pass out.” She supposed his smile was in response to her big-eyed stare at him. “Use the bathroom for more privacy.”

She did, scurrying into it and taking her wet swimsuit off before scrubbing her skin dry. She used his brush to get most of the tangles out of her damp hair. There was a knock on the door and he said, “Here.”

She opened the door to find him holding out a big t-shirt for her, along with her underwear. She smiled her thanks and he smiled back as he closed the door. She put the shirt on and it ended at the middle of her thighs. After hiking her panties up, she opened the door finally and came out. Seeing Ryder wearing a t-shirt and sweats was a relief and she nearly let out an audible sigh. No naked male parts to deal with. Although she could have. There was nothing traumatic about it to her. Just an ugly, purplish-colored, hard appendage she could pump a few times before he was writhing around in nearly comical ecstasy. It was simply a chore to her, and that was all. But of all men, didn’t Ryder deserve some pleasure, even if that’s all it was? He so earned it in every way. He treated her with respect and kindness, even right now by allowing her to be totally modest without a word of criticism.

He stood up and walked forward, grabbing her hand and tugging her closer to him until he sat down on the bed and placed her across his lap. “Quit acting so afraid of me.”

She wasn’t. Perhaps somewhat ambivalent about having him right here, under these circumstances. But no man wanted to hear that. “I’m not afraid.” She scooched her butt around and he started to get aroused at her subtle action. She raised her eyebrows. “See? Not afraid.”

He smiled but lacked his usual warmth towards her. “This isn’t warfare, Tara. And I get aroused by you, as I have many times and thankfully, I’ve managed to survive it so far.”

“I could just relieve it, you know.”

“How? By rolling over and letting me inside you? You could just lie there and tolerate it?”

She shrugged. “Well… yes. It might be the easiest way to deal with it.”

He snickered, shaking his head as he finally pulled her nearer to him. “Tara, feel that.” His body reacted to her words. She could feel him losing his hard-on. Surprised, she tilted her head his way and he sighed as he brushed her hair off her face. His hand tucked under her chin and lifted her face to his. “Tara, I’m in love with you. I don’t want you lying there like a receptacle for me.”

Her eyes must have rounded enough to look like they could jump out of her head. He didn’t just say that, not those words, did he? Nearly horrified, Tara’s mouth popped open and her head snapped back a few inches. No. Oh, no way.

“You had no idea, did you?” he asked, his tone almost sounding amused. “This? Being around you every single spare moment? Doing anything and everything with you? Liking every single moment with you, even when I’m annoyed, or you won’t talk to me, which is often, or have sex with me, which is never; still, I’d rather be in your presence than anywhere else in the world. That’s love, Tara.”

“I—I had no idea.”

He kissed her lips gently and nuzzled her cheeks and ear. “You’re an emotional wreck, you know that, right?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

He pulled her body over and lay her down. She started to shift but he pressed on her shoulder until she was lying face down on his bed. He straddled her butt. She started to resist but his hands started kneading her back. “It means you don’t trust how I feel. You don’t know how I deal with my feelings. It means I’m going to win your trust even if it’s the last thing I do, and no matter how long it takes.”

“What if… what if it’s all about the chase? What if that’s the only thing you like?”

“It’s not,” he said simply, nearly sounding bored. She almost swore she could hear him rolling his eyes behind her head.

She lifted her face and gazed back up at him. “How can you be so sure?”

“Because I’ve been in love before.”

His gaze held hers without a flinch. She slammed her face back down onto the mattress with a huffy, “Oh.”

Then his hands pressed harder on her shoulders, her shoulder blades, and the center of her back as a huge moan escaped her lips. Dear God, she was melting. He kept at it, his hands massaging up and down her spine and the backs of her arms, moving up to her neck. Several times, his hands dipped down towards the top of her butt. Her entire body tensed up again. He slid down and she thought he was finished until both of his hands landed on her panty-clad butt, each cupping a cheek. She responded when he started kneading them. She was still tense, and annoyed and yet… wow! Could he press hard! It started to feel good. She had all kinds of tension knotted there and as he pressed on it, he released some of it and she savored the good feeling.

His hands stayed on her for minutes. They drifted down to the tops of her thighs, making her tense up again before he finally shifted upwards and returned to more innocent territory. He was back up by her shoulders for twenty minutes, working out the thick knots of tension her muscles stubbornly retained. She moaned and groaned with delight, relaxing the most when his hands were north rather than south. But again, he descended, rubbing, kneading, and stroking her muscles from around her neck and clear down to her calves as well as everything in between. Darkness filled the room, helping her relax. Her eyes opened as she finally gave herself over to his touch. His unsexual touch. It felt nice. Almost heavenly. Enough to make her moan with pleasure.

He came back to her, sliding his hand up the back of her shirt. She stiffened but soon ordered her brain to relax. He was her boyfriend, and he liked to touch her bare back. He rubbed her with just his fingertips barely gliding over skin. It drew up all the blood into her skin and made her feel an odd, tingling sensation. She was starting to stir. Something new for her. He lay down at the side of her, resting his face right next to hers. Leaning over, his lips touched hers. She kissed him back and her mouth opened, letting his tongue inside gently, carefully feeling her out. He slowly released her mouth.

“Tell me about it.” His voice was a soft whisper. Her eyelids fluttered open. He was close and the shadowy light let him see most of her face.

She sighed. “I can’t relax.”

“And?”

“I just get all tightened up and I have to tell myself to relax. Enjoy it. Want it. Relax some more. But the more I think about it, the less I can. The more I think about what I should be doing, and how I look and sound…”

“How should you sound?”

Her shoulders bounced up and down. She could not believe she was discussing this. She tucked her face into his pillow. “I can’t discuss it.”

“Well, you already were. You don’t like to make sounds?”

She shrugged.

“I’ll take that as no. So don’t do it then.”

“But don’t you need to hear the sounds… or whatever?”

“The thing I need the most is for you not to freeze up at my touch. I don’t need anyone narrating it for me. You do realize, I hope, that I figured it out pretty quickly last time. Something was off-sync with your sounds and your physical reactions. So don’t make any sounds.”

A smile crossed her face. “I just can’t relax,” she finished, feeling lame. No words could describe what she went through. Or why she couldn’t react normally.

His arms wrapped around her. She was startled to find his arms under her and her entire body being pulled against his. “Tell me what you think about. What worries you?”

“I worry about how I look. If I’m touching the right way or… or if you’ll think it’s too much or too little…”

His head nodded. “So you can’t stop thinking and it keeps you from feeling anything?”

“Maybe.”

“Have you ever tried it on yourself?”

“Yes. Nothing. I don’t really like to touch… down there.”

He was silent for a moment. “With your hand?”

“Yes.”

“What about a vibrator?”

“No.” She shuddered, and looked completely embarrassed. “Not my thing.”

“Actually, I think it would be the best thing. Ebony loved hers.”

“What? Even after you were married?”

He chuckled, his chest bumping up and down under her head. “Yes. Before… after… she said it could do some things for her that no person could.”

“You weren’t offended by that?”

“No. I wasn’t. I masturbated, so why shouldn’t she?”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

“Well, that’s the thing. We are. And it’s just a thought, but maybe you should spend some time alone with one. When no one can see you or bother you, and try to relax and… you know, just see what it’s all about. See what you like. Try whatever feels good to you. Don’t make sounds unless you want to. I’m not trying to be funny or gross or to embarrass you, Tara. I think you need to figure out what feels good first, before anyone else can ever stand a chance.”

“What? You wanna watch me or something?”

“Well... Sure, if you want me to.” He laughed and caught her hand as she lifted it to smack his arm. He rubbed his fingers over hers, adding, “I don’t need to watch you; you have to figure out how to relax and just let it happen. It’s important, like physical exercise.”

“Important to you, maybe.” She rolled her eyes.

He suddenly flipped her onto her back and half covered her chest, putting his face directly above hers until he was staring down at her. “Yes. It is.” She could feel him getting hot and hard against the side of her leg. “I want to have sex with you. And for you to want it too, and to enjoy it with me. It’s a huge part of any relationship. And I want that for you, and me.”

He leaned down and kissed her long and hard. Then he stopped. Releasing her, he flopped down next to her.

“It sounds to me like you’ve never had a place in the world where you felt safe or loved or wanted. I’m trying to convey that to you now that you are here. Right here, you have all those things. Not just with me, but also my son. So if you’re ever here, including being in my bed, and you ever want to experiment and learn about yourself, there’s one in the bottom nightstand. I keep it in a lock box. Combination is fifteen right, fifteen left, and fourteen right. I don’t want Wyatt to accidentally stumble upon it.”

She scrunched her face up and her entire body recoiled. “I don’t want to use your wife’s…”

“It’s not hers,” he interrupted her, his tone sounding sharp. “I bought it. For you.”

Tara was embarrassed, horrified… and oddly touched. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t have to know. I just want you to think about it. Today, tomorrow, maybe next year… if you ever think it could help you… and also, remember this: I don’t need you to do anything. Just be present when you’re with me.”

She closed her eyes. “No commentary? No expectations?”

He leaned over and pushed the hair off her shoulder as he cupped her face. “None, Tara. I think you’re beautiful and lovely and there isn’t anything I expect or need or would embarrass you with, okay?”

Tears unexpectedly filled her eyes. Any other guy who bought her a vibrator would have made it the grossest, most egocentric present she ever heard of, but not Ryder. She began to see it was much more about her. Her feelings. Her lack of self-love. Both emotional and physical. “It’s oddly the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me.”

He sighed. “There you go. Chipping away at my heart again. I love you so much, Tara. If I could just make you realize how much love I have for you, I’d never need anything else.”

She sucked in a deep breath. “That’s twice now.”

“What? That I said I love you?” She nodded, and her gaze clung to his as she strove to understand him. But it was so hard. “That makes it three times now. Look, Tara, I’m sure of how I feel and why. It doesn’t embarrass me in the least to say it out loud. I think you feel the same way and that’s why I like to say it to you.”

“You don’t know all about me.”

“That’s true, I don’t. I know you, however. The shy, sweet, reserved, serious person that you are. I think I even get you now.”

“I don’t know…”

“You don’t have to know. But you could just let me love you. That doesn’t require anything in return from you.”

“Tell me something, when does it become about you?”

He laughed and tugged her closer to his chest, once again enfolding her in his safe, warm embrace. He was right. She did feel safe, like she had finally landed in a place she could trust. “Right now. Every moment I spend with you. I get it back from you. I don’t need you to say it.”

She squeezed her eyes shut. He was simply too good to be true. She should pay him back by letting him have sex with her. She wanted to make sure she didn’t lose him now that she’d finally found someone who was good, decent, funny, caring, intelligent and…

He cut her off. “Good night, Tara.”

 

****

They started out small and let it grow slowly. Each night she stayed there, Ryder rubbed her back often, going up and down her butt, legs and back until she melted and became all gooey from the warm sensation on her skin. Once, his hand dipped between her legs and he rubbed along her opening. She tightened up reflexively and squeezed her inner thighs. He instantly stopped and came back up to her shoulders. He kissed her over and over, rubbing his hands on her breasts and landing on her waist. She didn’t hate the sensations. She placed his hand on her breast and he ducked under her shirt, tugging and rolling her nipple in his fingertips. She found herself immediately chanting: relax, relax, relax. He sensed something and stilled with his mouth on her breast. He lifted up just enough to mutter, “Maybe don’t relax. Maybe get all tense; maybe you should just let your body do whatever it feels like.”

How did he know? She never said it out loud. He removed his hand and lowered his head to keep kissing her. She closed her eyes and stopped trying to relax. She let her body stay all tensed up. She quit thinking as she pulled his hand back to her body. “Here. Just touch me here,” she said after a few minutes. He put his hand back on her breast and she stayed quite tense, but she also trusted him to only touch her there.

She didn’t come, but she wasn’t wishing he would stop either. That was a step of progress for her. Trust, it seemed, did change everything.

For several nights in a row, they only kissed and she actually enjoyed it. He kept his hands on her breasts and above. Her nipples started to get hard and she enjoyed it very much but she didn’t say a word. That’s because she didn’t have to. Finally, she could just be there in the moment.

His body grew so hot at times, she feared it would explode the longer they made out and resisted going any further. She was aware he often took matters into his own hands. One night, after a long, heavy session of kissing and touching her, she gasped and her mouth hovered just above his. “Ryder, just let me touch you. I know I can make you feel better.”

He groaned and lowered his head onto her shoulder but finally nodded as he rolled over to her side. “I’m sorry,” he muttered, covering his eyes as if he were too embarrassed to face her. It made her heart melt a little bit. All these days were spent learning all about her and he felt guilty when she offered to relieve him. Her hand slid down over his stomach. His muscles rippled and quivered at her delicate and unfamiliar touch. She touched his hot, hard, stiff penis. He groaned, pushing his hips up towards her. She rolled the top of her thumb on the ridge of his penis and pre-cum came out. She pumped him back and forth, lifting up high enough so her chest smashed into the side of his as she took his mouth in hers. It didn’t require much, only a matter of minutes before he came, all hot and wet on his stomach, from her hand. He kept kissing her as his orgasm rocked through him until he released her. She moved off him and he got up to go to the bathroom to clean up. When he came back, he sat down on the side of the bed and leaned forward, dropping his head in his hands.

She got on her knees and came up behind him, resting her forearms on his shoulders. She kissed the side of his face. His hand came up to grip hers, pulling it close to his mouth before kissing her. “I thought I could…”

Her heart melted. He actually felt guilty. Abandoning her usual reserve, she slid around to his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck. “I think… I love you, Ryder.”

He snapped up and his eyes flashed open. “Because of this? This is what makes you know that?”

She smiled. “Yes. How hard you tried. How much you care… how tender you are. No none’s ever tried as hard as you do to make me… happy.”

He held her tightly in his arms. “And you just did the same to make me happy. It’s not like I want to do this when you don’t like it.”

“You’re kissing me, and touching me a lot is allowing me to figure this out. It’s not like you can turn off all that’s normal to you. You want to be with me?”

He didn’t hesitate. “More than anything.”

“Even more than someone who is easier and much more satisfying to have sex with?”

“Yes.”

“What if it never changes? What if this is it? What if I never progress more than just liking to kiss you, or mild petting, and never the rest? Nothing? What then, Ryder? You can’t go on being punished by my hang-ups. Not when we can solve it so easily. We can still have sex.”

“With you just tolerating it?”

She shrugged. “It doesn’t feel quite like that. Being with you isn’t like normal. It feels like so much more with you. Like… like it’s an act of love, you know? Like I could give you that.”

He closed his eyes, sighing. “Yes, you could give me that. Okay, maybe. I’ll think about it. But there is no hurry, and no timeline. We can still just go as far as you actually like.”

Somehow, he made it far easier to like it more with him. Especially when he tried in earnest to please and seduce her. It wasn’t just what he did in bed, but also out of bed. He never ceased to make her feel special. He so easily incorporated her into his life, including the time she spent around his son. He looked at her if she were the loveliest person he ever laid eyes on.

Finally, she found herself alone in his bedroom. He was called out to a car accident involving a deer. He was going to take the deer carcass to a nearby shelter so the meat wouldn’t go to waste. Wyatt was still in bed. He asked her to stay with him and she agreed to, of course. She stared at the lower nightstand drawer and glanced at the door, then back to the drawer. She felt like a damn bomb was inside her, ready to explode. Thinking of all the things he said and did for her. Couldn’t she try it once for him? No. NO! That’s what always led to the tension and mind control she detested. She always did stuff for others or let the wishes of others infiltrate hers. No. This was strictly for her. Her mind. Her body. Her right to be normal and feel all the things that were, if all the accounts she read were true, pretty powerful stuff.

She got up and locked the bedroom door. Checking it three times before she put on soft music to drown out everything else, she went so far as to wear earphones so she couldn’t hear anything besides the music. She plunged the room into darkness for her own comfort. She wasn’t ready for light to shine on this subject. She opened the drawer and slowly pulled out the lock-box. She clicked the combination in and it opened right up. She saw a gun and… and a vibrator. She was startled at seeing the gun but remembered him saying he had one in there. Obvious. Duh. She knew he had two rifles, three shotguns, two handguns, and a collection of old shotguns he inherited when his grandfather died. They were all locked up in his gun safe downstairs. He was unfazed by guns. But she wasn’t. She shook off her fear, thinking it wasn’t loaded and could not hurt her. Finally, she lifted out the sex toy and nearly burned up when she touched it.

He really bought this for her? She imagined him at the store, picking it out and paying for it. The image made her both laugh and cringe. Yes, he’d do that for her. She knew that now. She clicked it on and the thing went crazy, making her whole hand tremble. She stared at it, somewhat puzzled. How could this be sexy?

Lying on the bed, she tried feeling her breasts, but nothing happened. She sighed. Smashing start. She picked up the gizmo and set it snugly between her legs. Nothing. She moved it around, adjusting it. Letting it rev harder against her. Nothing. As if this could work? Sighing, she tried bending her knees and began rolling her eyes at her stark lack of skill. She inserted it and moved it around. Everywhere until… she suddenly jolted. There was… something. A sensation. Something… not terrible. She moved the thing around until she found the spot again and let it rest there. Oh, right there. Her eyelids fluttered and her heart sped up. Her blood started swirling faster. Was this… it? Was this actually happening?

And that was that. It all stopped. She sighed. Pressure. Anytime she started to worry about “it,” the sensation, stopped. She bit her lip, feeling more resolute now. She started to feel something. There was still hope. There was a spark. Maybe not this time… but maybe with more time, it would happen. She closed her legs and pulled on her underpants and sweats again. She cleaned the vibrator before locking it back up and closing it away in the drawer. Sighing, she turned off the music and unlocked the door, listening for Wyatt, only to hear the TV downstairs. Startled, her entire face burned up. Shit. Ryder was home. He would have come up to the room and must have tried to come in… and shit! He couldn’t because the door was locked and no one would’ve answered if he knocked because of the headphones she was wearing. He’d… he’d have to know. He wasn’t stupid.

She sighed as she tromped down the stairs and kept her gaze down when she entered the living room. Ryder sat on his recliner with the foot rest pulled up. He glanced up at her and smiled. “Hey.”

“Hi,” she answered shortly. “How long… how long have you been home?”

At least she knew he hadn’t heard any sounds from her, but she wondered if he heard the stupid little device humming away.

“Just a few minutes.”

“I was… I was…” She couldn’t speak. No. Part of why she was so frigid. She could not get comfortable with the subject, no matter how much she tried to.

He reached out. She went towards him, her face on fire. “Its okay, Tara. You don’t have to tell me.”

Her eyebrows furrowed. Duh! He obviously knew exactly what this was about. He had a definite interest in the results too. She let him tug her into his lap and she curled up against him. Quiet for a long while, she sighed as she rested her cheek against his chest. “There was a spark. There… was actually something.”

He glanced down at her. It had been a half hour since she last spoke. He nodded. “That’s good, sweetheart.” His tone was gentle and caring as he caressed her cheek. And then he let go.

She snuggled into him. Liking his reaction, she decided that she’d try it again, and again and again, until something finally worked. She had to train her goddamned brain to finally shut the fuck up and let her be a normal woman.