Christina
My roommate, Kya, was overly excited that I had returned. She kept hugging me and asking a million questions.
“You know I’m not allowed to speak about the Nmen,” I told her with a sad smile.
“You’d better,” she said. “I’m dying from curiosity.”
“Well, they’re big and strong like you’ve heard and they swear a lot.”
“So they speak English?” she asked.
“Uh-huh, with a slight accent and more gruffly than us, but I understood them just fine.”
“Did any of them hurt you?”
“No, I made a friend.” As I said it my face fell. “His name was Alexander Boulder and he protected me.”
“He protected you? From what?”
“Any harm that could come to me.”
“So you were in danger?”
I sighed. “It’s a place where women are a rarity and desperate men do desperate things.”
“So how did he protect you? Did he carry a weapon of some kind?”
I frowned. “No, only the guards carried weapons. Nmen seem very honor bound, and once it was decided he was my protector other men just backed off.”
“Wow, good for them. So, if they have honor they can’t be as bad as we’ve heard. And here we thought they were brutal savages.”
I bit my lip. “Actually, they are brutal, and I witnessed them fight and argue several times. Alexander even broke an arm fighting for me.”
“Fighting for you,” Kya scrunched up her face. “What are they, Vikings?” She laughed at her own joke.
I laughed with her. “They kinda look that way with their beard and hair, but most of all with their clothing.”
Kya wrinkled her nose. “Don’t tell me they wear fur.”
“Oh yeah, they do, and lots of leather. Luckily for me, it was still summer so I didn’t have to see them in fur coats.”
“Oh, it makes me so mad that they would kill innocent animals.” Her curly hair bobbed from the way she shook her head.
“I know, but you can’t discuss it with them.” I sighed. “Trust me, I tried. They think we’re the crazy ones and will argue that it’s the natural order of things and that humans have always hunted and eaten animals.
“So much for the big enlightenment.” Kya shook her head.
“I know – somehow they managed to avoid that wave of raised awareness.”
“God, it sounds like you traveled back in time or something.”
“No, they have modern amenities. But yeah, culturally, I think it was like traveling back in time.”
“So you loved it?”
I looked down. This was so typical of Kya. To see right through me.
“I mean, what archeologist wouldn’t like to travel back in time? Tell me…” I felt her eyes burning on my face. “What part of it did you like the best?”
Meeting her curious eyes, framed by her impossibly long lashes, I swallowed hard. On my way back from the Northlands I’d convinced myself I would never let anyone know the details of my relationship with Boulder, but I had been delusional thinking Kya wouldn’t sniff out that something big had happened to me. And more importantly, the truth was burning in my belly like a hot piece of coal that needed to be cooled down or it would consume me and destroy me.
“Boulder,” I admitted quietly. “Boulder was the best part.”
Kya waited for me to elaborate.
“You can’t tell anyone about this, do you promise?”
“I promise.”
“Please don’t hate me or report me for being unstable, but Boulder and I…” I pressed out the last words. “We had sex.”
Her hands flew to her mouth, her eyes wide in shock.
“He didn’t rape me!” I hurried to say. “It was more like a social experiment. I was curious and wanted to experience what it would be like to be with a man like him. Someone who is so much like men used to be.”
Her hands lowered from her mouth. “And?”
A shy smile spread on my lips. “And it was amazing.”
“What do you mean?” She moved closer on the sofa.
“It’s so different. I mean he’s so different. Tall, muscled, strong, and almost animalistic in the way he would take me.”
“Animalistic?” She tilted her head.
“Yeah,” I laughed. “Sometimes he would literally growl while having sex with me. There was so much passion in his eyes and his movements. It’s something that I’ve never experienced before, and I envy women from the old days if sex was like that for them.”
“Holy Mother Nature.” Kya pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms tightly around her bent legs. “And here I was so worried about you. I never imagined sex with an Nman could be a pleasurable experience for any woman.”
“Look, I think I know the answer, but Kya, have you ever had sex with a man?”
“A living man?”
“No a dead one,” I said sarcastically.
She wrinkled her nose. “No, just male sex-bots.”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” I sighed. “Anyway, I have a lot to think about and process, but one thing is for sure. I’ll never forget Boulder.” I looked away so she wouldn’t see the sadness I felt.
“I almost regret becoming a teacher,” Kya said in a light tone. “You archeologists have all the fun.”
“I know.” I was grateful that she didn’t dig deeper.
Playing with my hair, Kya gave me an empathetic smile. “At least you’re back home with good memories. It would be worse if you returned all traumatized.”
“Good point,” I said softly.
“And…” She held up a hand. “They have a new sex-bot down at the pleasure parlor. Ann was raving about him. They let you take him home to sleep with and…” She wiggled her brows. “To have sex with, of course.”
“Ann took him home?”
“Yes. And she was raving about how good it was to have him for a whole night. He does this thing called spooning.”
“What’s that?”
Kya furrowed her brows. “I’m not sure, but it’s something about sleeping in his arms all night.”
“But why do they let him go home with people?”
Kya shrugged. “It surprised me too, but after seeing how excited Ann was, I signed up to have him for a night of my own. You want to get your name on that waiting list because it’s growing fast.”
“Okay,” I said distractedly, thinking about how Boulder had held me in his arms at night. Yeah, I could see why Ann would have liked that. I had too.
Christina
Days turned into weeks. I had delivered all the messages Pearl sent with me, and my thoughts went to her often. For some reason, it was a secret that she was a hostage in the Northlands. The situation made me reflect upon our society and all the times Boulder had accused the council of treating us like children.
“They decide what books you can read, what movies you can see, what truth you’re being told. It’s like an old-fashioned religious sect – that’s what it is,” he had argued and I’d thought him crazy.
But the more I thought about it, the more
I started questioning our way of life. I could see the reasoning behind the laws, and it was undisputable that in general people were happy and thriving. But the poem with Hera Bosley stood out to me because of the conversation I’d had with Pearl about it. Her first instinct had been to censor the poem and replace the curse words.
Three months ago, I would have agreed, but not any longer. Boulder was right. Words only held the power we gave them and I was strong enough to handle swear words without feeling traumatized. My guess was that so was everyone else.
We just weren’t given the choice.
If I hadn’t gone to the Northlands, I would have never known passion, desire, or fear. I would have never experienced raw emotions like the Nmen expressed them.
Our priestesses always spoke about being authentic but somehow I was starting to doubt that we had any room for that in the Motherlands. We weren’t authentic. We were molded into positive clones that were taught how to suppress any human emotions that didn’t benefit us and – more importantly – didn’t benefit our community.
My nights were the worst. Insomnia kept me awake thinking about my decision to come back here.
When I made that decision, I had naïvely thought I could return to my old life, but I had underestimated how much my time with the Nmen had changed me and not realized that the new me didn’t fit into the small, secure mold I’d been in before I left.
I thanked Mother Nature that I had Kya in my life. She saw me cry and didn’t report me for being emotionally unstable. She asked a lot of questions, and I opened up and told her almost everything – except the part about Athena and Pearl and the rather important detail that I’d married Boulder. I couldn’t betray Pearl’s trust, and the part about my being married would surely freak Kya out.
Every day, I pulled myself out of bed and put a fake smile on, but I was miserable on the inside.
“You’re grieving,” Kya said with sympathy. “You lost a good friend who meant much more to you than you knew.”
She was right about that part. I hadn’t understood or appreciated what Boulder and I shared together.
One morning, I had woken up with a smile on my lips and sweet dreams of Boulder still filling my mind. He was holding me close, teasing me and tickling me. But as the dream faded and reality came into perspective I opened my eyes to find my empty bedroom in a city where Boulder could never be allowed access.
I wanted to claw out the ache in my belly. I wanted to scream out my frustration. But an emotional outburst like that would get me on the radar of the authorities and call for an evaluation.
At some point, I even considered voluntarily going to a place of reflection. Maybe I needed time to space out and find my inner balance again, but the hope that tomorrow would be better made me go on, thinking that soon Boulder wouldn’t be the first thing I thought about when I woke up and the last before I fell asleep.
I wondered how he was doing and if he missed me. I imagined him in his large house, being with his friends, walking the park by the gray mansion, or flying his black hybrid while listening to that awful music he liked so much.
I wondered if he’d grown his beard back and if he wore his favorite leather shirt now that I wasn’t there to object.
“How much weight have you lost?” Kya asked me with a troubled look, three weeks after I’d returned.
“Not sure.”
“Look.” She sank down on my bed next to me. “It’s getting to the point where I’ll have to do something. You’re not eating, you’re not sleeping, you have bags under your eyes, and I haven’t seen you smile for weeks.”
“I know,” I said and sighed.
“You spend most of your time at home in bed. It’s not normal, Cina.” Kya was the only one who insisted on using that nickname for me.
“I’m sorry. It’s just that…”
“You miss him. I know.” We sat quietly for a while, her on the edge of my bed, me against the wall with my legs pulled up and my head drooping on my knees.
“You’ve been crying again,” she said matter-of-factly.
I couldn’t deny it; my eyes were red and puffy.
“What are you gonna do?”
I covered my face with my hands. “You’re not going to like it,” I warned her.
“Will it be worse than seeing my best friend in misery for weeks?” she asked.
“I’m going to request the council to send me back.”
Kya didn’t seem as surprised as I’d expected. She nodded slowly. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“I would rather that you’re happy up there than miserable here,” she said rationally. “You should do it.”
“You mean that?” I felt so much lighter with her approval.
“Yeah.” She bit her lip. “Doesn’t mean I won’t miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too.” We hugged and again I thanked the stars that Kya was my friend.
Fueled by a surge of energy, I sent in my application that same day and started smiling again. Instead of grieving over my loss of Boulder, I was starting to visualize his surprise when I returned to him.
And then doubt filled me. What if I overestimated how he felt about me? He had been cold to me the last day, and I was suddenly questioning our whole relationship.
No, Boulder asked me to stay many times. He wouldn’t have if he didn’t care about me, I reminded myself. But then again, he would have been happy with any woman; he has nothing to compare it to. If he’d had a choice of women, he wouldn’t have picked me.
I started looking at other women, wondering if he would prefer them given the choice. Probably Kya, with her caramel skin color and gorgeous eyes and voluminous hair.
It took a full week before I got my reply. As with the last time, I was asked to come in for a meeting, and I pedaled my bike with great gusto, creating energy for the network and feeling optimistic.
My bags were already packed, and with the approval I could leave tonight.
I meet a clergywoman this time. She was old, wrinkled, and partly deaf, which made me wonder why she hadn’t gotten that fixed. Hearing and vision were easy to fix but some people were just in denial, I guessed.
“Your application to go back to the Northlands has been rejected,” the woman said and looked down at her arm where her wristband projected my application.
My face fell and my heart skipped a beat.
“Why?” I muttered.
“There’s been no request from the Northlands for an archeologist at this point. We have no reason to send you.”
“No, but I didn’t finish the project they asked me to help them with,” I hurried to say.
“You didn’t?” She lifted her brows. “Hmm.”
“I have to go back.” My jaw felt like rubber and my words were shaky.
“I’m afraid the council doesn’t agree, but you can re-apply in six months.”
“Six months?” I shrieked. “I have to go back now.”
The old woman leaned away from me as if afraid that my frantic energy was contagious. “Go in peace, Christina Sanders, and may I suggest that you lower your voice.”
I fisted my hands and looked down. Disappointment and a deep sense of powerlessness filled me with despair.
My dreams of Boulders and my reunion would be only that – dreams.
“Wait!” I got up and ran after the old hag who had just destroyed my future happiness.
She turned and eyed me disapprovingly. “Your voice, Christina,” she said in a scolding tone.
“I’m sorry, but could I at least send a letter to someone in the Northlands?”
“You know that’s not possible,” the woman said stiffly, but with a fake smile.
“It is possible,” I insisted. “Don’t forget that I’ve been there.” My alarm bells were ringing loudly. My hard tone of voice and my narrowed eyes would be considered hostile by the clergywoman.
“If I were you,” she said with that ugly fake smile that didn’t reach her eyes, “I would accept the council’s answer and forget about the Northlands. There is nothing for you there, my dear.”
I hated her endearment in the end and felt belittled like a child. She was wrong! There was something for me in the Northlands. Boulder was there and I needed to see him again. I needed to know if he felt as miserable without me as I did without him.
Standing in the foyer at the community hall, my senses were taking in the serene sound of the water fountain meant to add a tranquil atmosphere to the large room. But there was no peace or tranquility inside of me. There was only dark despair.
Closing my eyes, I roared out my powerlessness like a cornered animal and screamed at a woman who passed me, wishing me eternal bliss. There would never be any bliss in my life. I had known bliss but failed to recognize it for what it was. Now I knew. Now I understood that to me bliss came in a large, primitive, brutal package of a man with the name of Alexander Boulder. A man who could make me pant with want and scream out his name in orgasmic euphoria. A man who brought out emotions in me that no one else could. Bliss to me was feeling alive, and no one made me feel more alive than him. I screamed all that at the woman, but luckily only on the inside of my skull. Thirty-one years of indoctrination had taught me to hold my tongue.
Suffocating from emotions pressing in my chest, I hurried outside and desperately breathed in a large gulp of fresh air.
I biked home, blinded by tears, and when people called out to ask me if I was okay, I responded that I’d hurt my elbow but would be okay. Physical pain was accepted. Emotional pain would concern them more, and before I knew it I would be in the hands of well-meaning advisors who would help me find my balance again. The very thought of my finding my balance and living a full life was offensive. I had screwed up the most amazing thing that had ever happened to me and every year I lived without Boulder would be a year half-lived.