From the moment I’d touched down on Monday, nothing went the way I’d planned. I was informed during a briefing in the car from the landing strip to the steel box that my job had been completed. Apparently, early Sunday morning, my mark had squealed, sang like a motherfucking canary. I didn’t believe it. There was no way he’d given everything up in less than forty-eight hours. Not before I’d gotten to him. Rarely did we get information that soon. So, hearing this one folded while in the presence of the babysitters didn’t sit well with me.

“I’m telling you, Cash, we didn’t do anything more than we always do on our shifts. He sat in the hotbox”—Kryder had hitched his thumb over his shoulder to the room made of one-way mirrored glass—“with nothing but a saline drip. Same as always.”

“Why didn’t anyone wait for me to get here? Twenty-four hours…that’s all it was.”

Kryder just shook his head with his hands propped on his hips while I’d stood there, feeling slighted by my own team. “Listen, man, I don’t know what to tell ya. He was ready to talk, and we were there to listen.”

“You’re not a damn psychologist.”

“Quit being a baby, Nicholson.” He’d smirked and slapped my arm. “You can take the next one.”

“Gee, thanks, fucker. Maybe if you’d quit being an ass-kisser, trying to butter Daddy up to make him love you as much as he loves me, I’d be able to do my job all the time.” It’d been a joke between us for years, although this time, I’d meant it a little more than usual.

“We all know who his favorite is…and it’s not you.” Then he’d patted me on the shoulder and headed out, his time in the field done until Friday.

They’d given me the transcripts, as well as the video footage that would be buried once this was over, and let me hide out in one of the control rooms to pore over it all. I’d spent all my time behind that desk, flipping through file after file, reading line by line, every single word of the entire interrogation.

By Tuesday afternoon, Rhett Toll, my direct supervisor, had sent me back to the safe house and ordered me to take a shower and log some sleep before coming back. It wasn’t until then that I realized I hadn’t spoken to Jade since Sunday night. I’d sent her a text before crashing, only to see her in my dreams. I’d shrugged it off as lack of sleep, undue stress at work, and simply not talking to her like I had since the beginning. And when I’d stepped back into the steel box late Tuesday night, I made it my mission to get the answers I sought so I could go home and let Jade turn me back into a human.

Hearing his confession made me sick, physically. I’d seen blood, more blood than it would take to paint a town red. I’d witnessed death—both innocent and deserved. Not much got to me after nine years on the job. Except him.

But then I’d think of Jade and Aria.

One minute, those images would blend with the ones we had on the vegetable strapped to the chair in the hotbox, and it’d send me straight to the edge of insanity. But in the next minute, I’d close my eyes and picture Jade and Aria, and it calmed the beast within. It saved my soul for one more hour. One more day. The way Jade’s blue eyes shone in the sun like a beacon of light brought me peace. The way Aria would giggle so hard she couldn’t catch her breath, her hands slapping her knees with her tiny body hunched forward, afforded me comfort. Those were the things that kept me going, that slowed the need for revenge.

I wasn’t God. I never even claimed to be working for Him. I wasn’t part of some cult who believed they heard His voice call upon them to murder people. I was well aware of where my directives came from, and who had sent down the orders. I knew who hired me and who I answered to. None of which were God or Jesus. They weren’t Allah or Buddha, or any other god, for that matter. They were people, like me, who sacrificed their souls to save the innocent. And when it became my time to answer for my sins, I’d tell the guard at the pearly gates the same thing—I did what I felt I had to do in the war on evil.

If I were wrong, then I’d have to answer for it.

But if I were right…then I’d burn in hell with a clear conscience.

I wore the image of the archangel Michael across my back as a reminder that even good had to sometimes wield a sword.

“Everything check out?” Rhett leaned against the doorframe into the control room.

“Yeah.” I wiped my eyes, suddenly feeling the exhaustion setting in. I picked up my phone—which was nothing more than a paperweight that kept the time while inside the steel box—and noticed it was nine o’clock on Wednesday night. I’d been at it for close to twenty hours since my last nap and shower.

“I told ya they handled it. You coulda been home most of this week takin’ it easy. But no.” He dragged out the word, shaking his head. “You had to be a stubborn ox and hold up my cleanup crew.”

“I just can’t wrap my head around him breaking like a twig in a summer breeze. How can we be sure he didn’t play us and give us a bunch of shit, feed us nothing but fabricated lies that would lead us away from the scent trail? That’s what gets to me the most.”

He shrugged and stalked into the room, taking a stance across from me at the desk, his shoulders squared and spine straight. At sixty-five, he was still one scary motherfucker. He’d had two hip replacements, a knee replacement, a shattered elbow he claimed to have healed by rubbing dirt on it, yet he could still kick someone’s ass half his age.

“That’s somethin’ you’ll never know. If these men choose to weave tales to end the torment, they’ll do it regardless of how long they’ve been sittin’ in the box. Day one, day five…whenever they decide they can’t take any more. But that’s not your job to worry ’bout. These reports”—he pointed to the stacks in front of me on the desk—“are sent to yet another team who dissects ev’ry word, and then they compare that to the information they have.”

He was right. Rhett had been doing this since the beginning of time. We had a standing joke that he had been one of the ones allowed on Moses’s ark during the flood. If there was one person in this business to trust, it was him.

I released a sigh of defeat and leaned back in the chair, ignoring the ache that had long since turned the right side of my torso numb. “I just hate it. These jobs consume so much of my time; it’s frustrating not to see it to the bitter end.”

Rhett scrubbed his bear-like palm down his face. “I get it. Trust me, I do. But if there’s any advice I can offer, it’s this: Don’t let this job define you. Live your life outside this place, love fiercely, and never, ever, worry ’bout things that don’t concern you. You’re given a target, and you get ’im. If he needs a push to confess, handle it. But anything that takes place one minute b’fore your task begins or one minute after you’re dismissed is not your problem. Got it?”

I nodded, knowing better than to argue or question him.

“Listen, son. You’ve done your job, and we all appreciate it. Now go home. Enjoy two extra days off, and for cryin’ out loud, take it easy. You’ll need the use of that arm come next week.” He gestured to the dead weight hanging limply by my side—the wasted limb that was once my arm.

I glanced at it, trying not to notice the loss of muscle mass, and then once again, nodded my response. I still had to make it back to the safe house to take a shower and change my clothes before heading to the landing strip. Then I had about a three-hour flight to Florida. I’d been up since two o’clock Monday morning with roughly six hours of sleep since. I was lucky I wasn’t drooling on myself and wondered if it made more sense to sleep off my exhaustion and just head home in the morning. But then Jade crossed my mind, and I decided I needed the simple human connection she offered and wasn’t interested in waiting.

Just after two in the morning, I pulled my SUV around the back of the house. Jade didn’t expect me home for another two days, so I worried I’d frighten her by going inside. I quickly typed out a text and hit send, giving her a heads-up that I was on my way in. That way, if the alert on her phone woke her, she wouldn’t be scared when I opened the door. And if she slept through it, she’d see in the morning that I was there.

The entire way up the back steps, I hoped she’d heard her phone.

Carefully opening and closing the door, I hoped she’d woken up.

Even after my shower, I hoped she’d be awake.

But she wasn’t. She’d slept through it all. And even though I’d barely gotten any sleep and had to almost drag my feet with every step, I couldn’t manage to succumb to the night. I did nothing but stare at my ceiling, wondering how I’d gotten so dependent on one person in such a short amount of time, but it made sense when I realized she was the only person actively in my life who wasn’t privy to the things I’d done.

* * *

A screaming child was not the best thing to wake up to. I flung the covers off and threw myself out of bed all too fast. By the time I made it to my bedroom door, I felt like I’d snapped all the ribs on my right side in half. But that didn’t stop me. The high-pitched wail lit a fire under my ass, and no amount of pain would keep me from getting to her.

Then I made it to the living room and found Aria on the ground, her little fists pounding against the floor. Jade stood over her, desperately trying to get her to stop. That’s when I realized she wasn’t in trouble, and the world began to spin again—bringing on the throbbing agony I’d pushed down.

“I’m so sorry, Cash. I was trying to get her out of the house before she woke you.”

I took one glance at Jade and offered the most reassuring smile I could, while trying to regain my composure and strength. When I made it to Aria, I waved her mother off and took a seat next to her on the floor, practically falling to my knees at her side. She stopped long enough to turn her head, find me there, and then launched herself into my unsuspecting arms.

The world quieted, and there was no such thing as pain. Darkness didn’t exist and evil was an urban legend. I had no idea what I’d done to deserve this, but I wished I did…so I could do it over and over again.

“I’m so sorry. I made the mistake of telling her to be quiet because you were asleep. I guess all she heard was that you were home, and she made it her personal mission to get to you. So I thought if I could get her out of the house, you would be able to sleep in, and that’s when she decided to throw a tantrum.” Jade knelt down behind Aria, facing me, and attempted to pull her daughter out of my arms.

I shook my head, showing her it was okay. She made a face, one I could’ve probably read had I not been so lost in the tiny arms of the angel in my lap. But rather than analyze her furrowed brows and constricting pupils, I held onto the trembling child until she calmed.

“Where were you going to go?” I took note of her purse on the floor next to the door.

“Oh, um…we need groceries.” She shifted her gaze toward the door, not looking at me when she answered. She didn’t need to admit it was a lie, because her reaction did it for her.

However, I also wasn’t going to call her out on it. I figured if she wasn’t comfortable enough to tell me the truth, I’d make it incredibly hard for her to keep up the charade. Fully aware she wouldn’t agree to leaving Aria at home with me when she went to the store, I gave her the only option I had left. “Give me a couple of minutes to clean up and change, and I’ll go with you.”

“No, you don’t have to. You got in late. I’m sure the last thing you want to do is walk up and down aisles looking at food with us. Not to mention, Aria can be a handful in the store. Really, it’s fine. I can handle it.” Something was off, and if I had to compare nutrition labels all morning to discover what it was, then so be it.

“I don’t mind at all. It’s clear my sidekick missed me, so it’ll just be easier if I go, too.”

The corner of Jade’s mouth curled ever so slightly. Her eyes brightened and dropped to her child, who still had her arms wound around my neck. “Your sidekick?”

“Yeah, but don’t get jealous. She still loves you.”

“Okay, fine. But hurry. I’d like to be back before lunch.” She grabbed Aria’s arm and said, “Sweetheart, you’re going to have to let him go so he can get dressed if you want him to come with us.” That was all it took to get Aria off me, her face so expressive with excitement.

I’d never understand how going shopping with her translated into such enthusiasm.

Fifteen minutes later, I was dressed with my hair combed and teeth brushed. Jade tried to put up a fight when I suggested moving Aria’s car seat to the Range Rover, but when I pointed out how much easier it would be to haul groceries in the trunk of my car versus hers, she caved.

“Why are you back so early?” Jade casually asked, while comparing prices of two different kinds of sandwich meats. She’d kept her distance all morning. No matter how many times I’d tried to engage her in conversation, she seemed too lost in her own thoughts to offer much more than distracted answers. Even now, she appeared more interested in the boxes and cans of food on the shelves than she did talking to me.

I leaned against the handrail of the cart with my elbows, bending down to Aria’s level, who sat in the kid seat. If Jade didn’t have any interest in asking more than a random question here and there—usually about a brand or price—at least I could count on the little tyke to entertain me. I wasn’t positive, but I believed my taking her to the beach had solidified our bond.

“There wasn’t much I could do with fractured ribs, so I went over paperwork for three days until they told me to go home.” I grabbed the package of string cheese off the hook that Aria had pointed out and tossed it into the cart when Jade wasn’t looking, earning me a toothy grin from the little girl.

Jade shopped and I pushed the cart behind her, entertaining Aria by grabbing junk off the shelves and adding it to the pile we had going behind her. All the while, Jade was none the wiser. Maybe if she’d paid us as much attention as she did the slices of American cheese, she’d realize we had far more in the buggy than she had on her last-minute list.

“And you couldn’t get home before two in the morning?” Again, she spoke while focusing on a label.

“I’m not a pilot, Jade. Nor do I have my own, personal jet. I can’t control when the flights leave and take off, and I don’t have any say in layovers.” My tone was clipped, sounding like I was annoyed with her interrogation. In truth, I was lying out of my ass, but she didn’t know any different.

“So who did your job when you were sitting at your desk?”

“The rest of the crew.”

“I thought you said you work in isolation.”

I made a face at Aria and made her giggle, not bothering to rush into an explanation when it felt as though she would question me if I told her the sky was blue. “That doesn’t mean I’m the only employee, Jade,” I deadpanned. “How’d your visit with Stevie go?”

“It was nice. We spent the afternoon on the beach.” That translated into Jade wearing a bathing suit, and I couldn’t help but conjure an image of what that would look like. Oddly enough, my imagination wasn’t centered around her breasts or ass. Instead, I wondered if she’d worn a one- or two-piece suit, which then led to a mental debate over what her stomach looked like.

I blamed it on staring at Aria. Normally, a woman’s stomach wasn’t even close to the top of the list as far as a female’s body was concerned. I was more of an ass man, but of course, I appreciated every curve of the female form. But knowing she’d carried life inside her, it made me ponder if there’d been any evidence left behind. And what was even stranger, was that I found it fascinating—the child whose eyes lit up when I grabbed a bag of cookies and tossed it into the cart had been created inside someone. Not just someone, but Jade. And that there was a possibility of seeing proof of that on her skin.

“She’s looking at bigger apartments next week.” That grabbed my attention. “She asked me to go looking at them with her.”

“Oh, yeah?” I wasn’t sure what to say.

My heart began to beat inside my throat at the idea of Jade leaving—and taking Aria with her. I had no claim over either of them. Jade and I weren’t romantically involved, and I liked it that way. Not to mention, Aria wasn’t my child. They’d lived in my house for less than two weeks, and I’d spent a total of two days with them there, but with the way I felt last night when Rhett had told me to leave and take a couple of extra days off, I couldn’t imagine leaving the job with no one to come home to. Without their presence, nothing would make me feel human and balance out the scale of good and evil.

“So…are you going to?” I could barely breathe while waiting for her answer.

She shrugged, grabbed a loaf of bread, and placed it gently on top of the stack of food. Clearly, she was distracted; otherwise, she would’ve noticed the box of Ding Dongs and container of yogurt—as well as the plethora of other crap I’d added along the way. “I don’t see why not. I just sit at the house all by myself anyway, so what’s the harm in driving over and spending the day with my best friend?”

I couldn’t object to her point, but I knew there was more to it, which was what I had the issue with. “Is this your way of opening the door to a discussion about you leaving? Stevie gets a bigger place, so now there’s room for you and Aria to stay without sleeping on the couch?”

Even with her back to me, I could read her. I didn’t need to see her expression. The way her feet faltered just enough to take an uneven step, coupled with the slight jerking motion in her shoulders, told me I was right. And no matter what she said, her fluctuating tone shined a light on the truth in her words. “I don’t know. We haven’t discussed it.”

“You mean you and I haven’t…or you and Stevie haven’t?”

“I’d say we’re discussing it now. But other than Stevie saying I’m always welcome, nothing else has been mentioned. No plans or even a conversation about making plans.” Again, her voice swung throughout her words, dipping low before lilting high like a roller coaster of deceit.

“Well, I disagree. I wouldn’t consider this a conversation about it at all. I’d call this you laying your cards out on the table so that when I come home and you’re gone, your shit absent from your rooms, you can say you told me about it.”

Jade stopped in the middle of the baby aisle. She turned on her heel so fast her dark curls whipped around like the wind had blown through the store and whirled around her. “If this is going to be an argument, can we hold off until we’re back at the house? That way, I can put Aria in the sandbox out back so she’s not subjected to your language.”

So, the only way to get Jade to show her balls was when it came to protecting her child. I couldn’t complain. That definitely should’ve been the time to grow a pair—for any parent—but it’d be a lie if I said I didn’t wish she’d learn how to defend herself, as well.

Rather than respond, I glanced to the side at the wall of diapers. I assumed Jade had turned down this aisle because she needed a box, but before she could grab one, I’d halted her purpose. I tipped my chin toward a package of training pants and asked, “How’s the potty training going?”

With a roll of her eyes, she turned her back to me again, pulled the cheapest box of regular diapers off the shelf, and slid it onto the rack on the bottom of the cart. “Not good. I didn’t start it last week because there was so much going on, so I figured I’d wait until this week. But she spent all day Monday throwing temper tantrums, and then Stevie was here yesterday. Needless to say, it hasn’t worked in my favor quite yet.”

I tilted my head and made a goofy face at Aria until she giggled. “You don’t wanna go pee-pee in the big-girl potty?”

“I not sit in ocean.” This kid had impeccable timing. “I sit in diaper.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at her inability to pronounce certain letters.

“No, sweetheart,” Jade piped in. “You sit on the potty chair.”

Aria shook her head, her baby curls brushing along her cheeks with every movement. “Cash say I wear diaper so I not sit in ocean.”

“Oh, look…Goldfish.” I pushed the cart before Jade figured out what her kid was saying, and ultimately, where she’d picked it up from. I grabbed six—or ten—bags of the fish-shaped cheese snacks and filled the cart, basically using my arm to sweep them into the almost overfilled basket. “I think that’s it. Time to go.”

“If you think this won’t be added to our discussion when we get home, you’re sadly mistaken,” was all she said as she followed behind me to the checkout stands.

When there was enough room to start unloading everything onto the belt, I handed Jade the keys to the car and asked her to start the engine so the interior could begin cooling down. At first, she tried to fight me, using our agreement against me by pointing out the groceries were her responsibility. But I didn’t back down—if she saw the amount of shit I’d added, she’d put it all back, and that would not make the pint-sized princess happy. Giving me a wary, side-eyed look, she snatched the keys and headed outside.

The ride back to the house was spent in complete silence, Jade staring out the passenger-side window while I drove less than three miles home. It was awkward to say the least, but more because of the reasons why we lacked conversation. Jade had something on her mind, but until she was ready to open up about it, there was nothing I could do. Sure, I could spend the time around her trying to read her body language, yet that wouldn’t prove anything more than I’d already learned. I’d been trained to detect when someone was lying, telling the truth, keeping something, scared, anxious—every emotion known to man. The one thing I couldn’t do: read minds.

“Did you seriously buy all this crap?” Jade’s voice stopped me when I came back into the kitchen after taking Aria to the back yard to play in the sand. She was angry, that much was apparent by her harsh tone, then it was reiterated with her waving hand in the direction of the counter where bags of food lined almost every available inch.

“Aria wanted it,” I answered, adding a nonchalant shrug for good measure.

“Seriously? She asks for everything. One time, she begged for an entire gumball machine. Do you plan to buy her one of those, too?”

It was obvious her anger wasn’t about the groceries or my reasons for buying what I did. It was directed at me, meant for me, but about something else entirely. “Aside from a few things, most of what she asked for was decently healthy. I didn’t see the problem.”

“That’s your go-to excuse when it comes to my child.”

“Is that what this is really about?” I leaned against the counter with my hand, my arm extended in an effort to trap her. I refused to let her leave or distract herself with putting the food away. “If you’re pissed off over my decision to buy snacks and shit for Aria without running it past you first, then fine. I’d be happy to talk about that. I’d love to hear the boundaries I’m allowed to stay inside in regard to your kid. Lord knows I’ve fucked that up enough in the last week. If you have some special diet of hotdogs and French fries for her, please tell me. If you have a problem with me making any decisions when it comes to her, such as feeding her lunch or giving her a goddamn napkin to use to clean her hands, then tell me. I’m fully aware you’re the parent, and I won’t argue about your rules or go behind your back. I won’t push your limits or pressure you into things you aren’t comfortable with where it concerns Aria and me. But I don’t think this has anything to do with a container of strawberries or a pack of pudding.”

She kept her mouth clamped so tightly, the muscles in her jaw ticced. Her pupils shrunk to the size of pinpricks—and she might as well have “pricked” me with them, given the amount of sheer rage that shot from her electric-blue eyes.

“Then what’s this about, Cash?”

“I don’t know,” I said, almost whispering, bringing my head closer to hers. “Why don’t you tell me. You’re the one who’s been either looking for a fight all morning or trying to get away from me. I don’t have a clue what happened between the time I woke up Monday and now, but I’d really love to find out.”

Jade pulled her lower lip into her mouth and scraped her top teeth along it until it popped back out. With a dramatic exhale, she blinked up at me and said, “Nothing happened.”

“Then tell me why you’re okay with me pushing the cart at the store while your kid sits up front, but you suddenly got your panties in a wad over a few extra things I picked up for her. I’m trying to understand here, Jade. I really am. The last thing I want is to cross the line with you. I’ve already told you that I understand the roles and respect any decision you make about Aria. You’re the mom. But I’m having a hard time figuring out what I can and can’t do, because everything I do is wrong.”

“Then maybe it’s a good thing that Stevie is getting a bigger place.”

“Why? So you can move back? Because I’m so hard to deal with two days a week?” I didn’t care to fight with her. I would’ve much rather had this conversation on the couch using normal voices without the heated frustration between us. But it didn’t seem to be an option at the moment.

“It’s just hard living with someone who doesn’t know anything about kids. You’ve been around her for two days, and she’s already repeating what you say. And it’s not about what you bought, it’s the principle. You can’t give her everything she asks for, unless you’re trying to spoil her and prevent her from understanding the word no. Do you have any idea the predicament you just put me in with her? You’re the good guy. I’m the bad one. I have no income, so I can’t afford pudding and Jell-O. I’ll tell you what you did…next time we go to the store, she’s going to ask for something, and I’m going to have to tell her she can’t have it. Then she’ll cry for you for days because she knows Cash will get it for her. She’ll eventually spend all week begging for you instead of me.”

In an instant, I shifted away from my position against the counter and stepped into her personal space, taking her face in my hands and forcing her to look at me. God, the hint of tears in her eyes gutted me. “She’ll always love you because you’re her mom. When she’s hurt, she’ll cry for you. When she’s scared, it’ll be you she seeks for comfort. No one’s going to replace you. Not me, not Stevie, not the next guy or roommate. No one. Got it?”

She nodded as best as she could with the way I held onto her.

I swiped away the stray tear from her cheek with my thumb, grazing her soft skin. “But if you prefer I not buy her things, then I won’t. Just please, give me rules, lay out the guidelines so I can navigate this better. Show me the boundaries before calling it quits and leaving.”

Her eyelids fell closed with a slight tremble in her lips. “I don’t care if you buy things for her. It’s your money—I can’t tell you how to spend it. I’m just worried, okay?” She blinked up at me and locked her gaze onto mine. “I want to protect her, but I can’t. I don’t have the means to do what’s best for her, and that scares me.”

“What do you mean, Jade? Protect her from what?” My stomach dipped at the possibility of it being a “who,” not a “what,” and then it twisted into tight knots at the thought of her saying me.

She wrapped her thin fingers around my wrists, pulled out of my touch, and stepped away until her back hit the counter behind her. “I can’t talk about this right now.”

I tightened my hands into fists, desperately holding onto what I feared was slipping through my fingers. My only saving grace was the fact I’d been sent home early, which had given me more time with her—to either convince her to stay, or to cherish what I had in the hopes it would get me through a little while longer. I had no idea what I’d do after the memories expired, but I refused to think about that, because I wasn’t ready to give up just yet.

Living with someone else always came with an adjustment period. Hell, moving in with Colleen had felt like the worst idea ever at first. But once you start figuring each other out, it could be the best thing in the world. Having someone there, even in a cocoon of silence, was something most took for granted. I never did, because I knew the darkness that existed without the presence of another person. We weren’t made for isolation. We weren’t designed to live alone and spend our lives without constant companionship. There was a reason for emotions such as happiness and love and serenity, and it wasn’t a coincidence that those came wrapped in a package of flesh and a beating heart. It was a gift. And only the truest form of such emotions was given to us by others, not things. Not money. Not houses or cars or jewels. Be it a pet, a friend, a lover, a child, or a stranger…it was always another living thing that offered them.

And I wouldn’t survive if she took that away.