Cash quietly snored with his cheek resting on my stomach. I ran my fingers through his hair, absorbing all the time I could with him while he slept. We’d been apart for three weeks—aside from the thirty minutes I’d spent with him when I came home for clothes. Having him to talk to at night when I was with my mom had helped lessen how much I’d missed him, although it was never enough. I needed him. Only him. But I hadn’t been in the right frame of mind to make that decision.

I still wasn’t.

Even now, as I stroked his forehead and admired the way the lamp on the table behind me in the living room cast a soft glow over his resting features, I still couldn’t decide what was best. I had a child to think about—a child who loved Cash more than anything. And he loved her, too. I never doubted that. I believed with my whole heart that he’d never hurt me or Aria, but that didn’t help make things any easier. In fact, it made everything that much harder.

I loved him. Unequivocally, without a doubt, no two ways about it…I loved him. And because of that, anytime I thought about his job or what he did while he was gone, it was like I couldn’t breathe. Ironically enough, my panic wasn’t caused by what he did—that brought on a different set of emotions—but rather the chances of something happening that would cause him to never come home to me. I’d watched my mother grieve the loss of my father, and while I was fully aware I couldn’t keep someone from dying, I could choose to walk away from those who frequently put their lives in danger. If I could help it, Aria would never know what it was like to bury a parent—biological or not.

Cash stirred and tightened the hold he had on me with his arms wrapped behind my back. I stilled, worried he’d wake up and my time admiring him would end. Since I hadn’t been able to make up my mind about what I wanted, I didn’t have many opportunities to drown in his presence without him knowing. I refused to let him believe I would stay if I hadn’t decided to, and I couldn’t do that until I had enough time to contemplate it. My mom’s health had taken up so much of my days, and after talking to Cash at night, I’d close my eyes and crash.

Today had been the first time in weeks I’d even had a moment to myself. And it’d been amazing. Cash and I had taken Aria to the beach and actually walked the surf, something I had never done here. Aria pitched a fit because I wouldn’t let her swim—cooler weather had set in and the water was too cold. However, the second Cash had lifted her in his arms, she was the happiest little girl in the world. She had missed him so much she practically glued herself to his leg ever since we arrived earlier today. And he’d missed her just as much, which was his excuse for letting her stay up past bedtime. By nine, I asserted my parental control and made her go to bed.

Then it was just the two of us.

Rather than curl into his side like I had done so many times in the past, I chose one end of the couch after he sat on the other—his usual spot. I could tell it bothered him that I’d added so much space between us, but I hadn’t been ready to go there just yet. Apparently, he wouldn’t let that stop him. With my body turned to face him, my back pressed against the armrest and feet propped on the center cushion, he found his way in…and took it. He’d parted my legs and wrapped his arms around me, fitting into the space between my back and the couch, and made himself comfortable on my stomach. No words were exchanged.

He’d claimed his spot, and I’d let him.

And it’d given me the last hour since he’d fallen asleep to figure out what I wanted. Unfortunately, I’d spent far more time admiring him and pretending we didn’t have such a great divide between us, that I hadn’t given anything else much thought.

Cash stirred again, and this time, he lifted his head, his sleepy gaze finding mine. I ran the tip of my finger along his smooth brow, down his cheek, and to his chin. The love in his eyes was undeniable, and I only hoped he could see it mirrored back at him. I needed him to recognize my feelings without having to utter the words. I knew once that happened, I’d never leave. And I’d spend every week in fear that he’d never return from his job.

“You should probably go to bed,” I whispered while holding his stare.

“I don’t want to. I’ve gone to bed alone for weeks, and I just got you back. I’m not willing to give this up just yet.” His words were scratchy and slow, heavy with sleep. They nearly drove me insane with how sexy they sounded, how rough and masculine they were.

“Well, I can’t stay like this all night.” I tried to laugh, hoping to lighten the mood. “The armrest isn’t terribly comfortable, neither is my posture, and soon, I’ll need to pee.”

“Fine.” He dragged out the word like one would expect a dramatic adolescent to do. “But if I’m exhausted tomorrow, you only have yourself to blame. This is vital sleep you’re keeping me from.”

The instant he pulled away from me, taking his body heat with him, I felt incomplete. Nevertheless, it was something that needed to be done. As much as I loved having him so close, I was well aware of the potential pain it could cause him if I didn’t draw the line in the sand. He continued to tell me he loved me, though I never said it back. And he’d taken to calling me “babe.” I loved the way that sounded, so I’d never asked him to stop.

“Night, babe.” He lingered by his bedroom door, probably expecting me to follow.

But I didn’t. I pulled myself off the couch and headed toward the back hall. “Night, Cash,” I said over my shoulder, hoping it was enough to convince him that his puppy-dog eyes wouldn’t change my mind. I needed to stay strong. I didn’t have a choice.

While using the bathroom before bed, I told myself I needed to figure something out by the end of the weekend. As the warm water rinsed the soap from my hands, I tried to make a mental plan for how I’d spend my time here over the next two days, knowing it could be the last time. And after walking back down the hall toward my room, I realized I may never have the chance to fall asleep in his arms again.

My heart pounded with each step I took across the house. It practically leaped for joy when I twisted the knob to his room. And when I slid through the crack and closed the door behind me, it finally felt healed. The broken pieces had mended, and in that instant, everything felt…right.

He watched me in silence as I stomped around the bed, flung the covers back, and then threw myself onto the mattress. He snickered when I crossed my arms over my chest, sighed, and stared at the ceiling with a solid two feet of space stretched out between us.

“What are you doing, Jade?” Humor danced wildly in his voice.

I could feel his stare burning holes into the side of my face, but I refused to look at him. Walking into his room was like crossing the threshold from reality into the perfect alternate universe. In the darkness, we could be ourselves. No overthinking. No sick mother or dangerous job. We just were.

“You pitched such a fit about having to sleep alone, so I figured I’d come in here so you wouldn’t be so exhausted tomorrow. I’d hate to be the reason you don’t get any rest.” I basked in the sound of his hushed amusement, and as soon as he settled onto his back again, eyes on the ceiling instead of on me, I sat up. “Fine. Have it your way.”

No longer keeping quiet, a barking laugh erupted from his chest when I scooted closer to him. I lifted his arm so I could fit against his side, and with as much attitude as I could muster without cracking a smile, I laid my head on his shoulder and slung my hand across his waist.

“Gosh…you’re so needy.” The complaint would’ve been more convincing if I hadn’t felt the beginnings of an infectious giggle reverberate in my chest. “Just having me in the same room isn’t enough for you. No. You need me draped over your body.” I then pulled my leg up and hooked it over one of his.

He tucked me against him with his arm across my back, his palm completely covering my shoulder. When he began to make feather-light figure eights on my skin with his fingertip, a chill ran down my spine. But nothing compared to what he did to me when his breath blew through the top of my hair. A fire ignited between my legs, and like a match dropped in a forest during a drought, it consumed my entire body in a split second.

I needed relief, the kind only Cash could offer. So I slid my hand up to his chest, then softly ran it down to his abs until I found the coarse hairs just beneath his navel. His arm flexed around me, which only spurred me on more. Turning my head the slightest bit, I was able to press my lips to his heated flesh. It seemed like every muscle in his body coiled tight when I kissed the smooth area just below his collarbone, but when my tongue snaked out and I ran the tip along his salty skin, a groan rumbled through the room.

“Jade…” His voice was husky and strained, yet it was full of desperation. It was obvious he was holding himself back, but the second I slipped my fingers beneath the elastic waistband on his shorts, he snapped. He grabbed my wrist—a little rougher than I was used to with him, but instead of filling me with fear, it turned me on—and then rolled into me, pushing me onto my back. In an instant, he had his hard, rigid body over mine, my hand pinned to the pillow over my head. “Don’t…” he warned.

“Why not?” The desire ripping through me left me panting, my question breathless.

“Not until you decide to be with me.”

The backs of my eyes stung with the presence of tears.

He hung his head, breaking our eye contact. Instead of saying anything else, he fell to the bed onto his side and hooked his arm around my waist. Twisting my body, he pulled my back to his front all in one move, and then curled himself against me. His hold around my waist locked me in place, secured me to him. It was enough to swathe me in comfort. Except it didn’t. His flexed muscles and harsh breaths warned me of the agony I’d caused him. And because of that, my heart broke all over again.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and asked, “Have you ever watched the movie, ‘Constipated’?”

“No.” It was obvious he was confused by my random question.

“That’s because it hasn’t come out yet.”

His chest rumbled just slightly. “Goodnight, babe,” he whispered into my hair.

“Night, Cash.”

I thought that was it, but then he added, “I love you,” and I squeezed my eyes shut, giving in to the ache that tore through my chest. I love you, too.

As if he heard me, his body relaxed, his hold slackened, and he provided the consolation I so desperately needed.

* * *

“Jade, sweetheart,” my mom said with pain flooding her voice. She sat on one couch and I sat on the other with Aria curled up next to me taking a nap. It wasn’t until I heard her call my name that I realized I’d zoned out, lost in dark thoughts while staring into the kitchen. When I turned to look at her, she asked, “Could you please help me to bed? I need another pain pill and it’ll make me sleepy, so I’d rather not be out here when it kicks in.”

After three days with Cash, I hadn’t wanted to come back here. But Mom needed help, and the at-home-care providers weren’t with her all the time, so I didn’t feel like I had much of a choice. When I woke up alone Monday morning, I knew my fantasy weekend had ended. Cash had gone back to work, and the knot in the pit of my stomach reminded me why I couldn’t give him what he wanted. In order to stop obsessing over the worst-case scenarios that plagued me, I drove across the state to be there for my mom.

I kept telling myself this would get easier, but it never did. At first, I used Aria as an excuse why I couldn’t stay long or had to leave. I made myself scarce when the nurses were with her. When she needed a ride to physical therapy, I’d met her at the door and had dropped her off the same way. But today, I couldn’t avoid it any longer. The nurse had to leave unexpectedly, and my mom was still in pain—she hadn’t been home for a full week yet.

But this…this proved to be more than I could handle.

Mom had taken the bedroom on the first floor since she couldn’t climb the stairs. It had once been my room, where all my secrets were kept, but I hadn’t been in it since the day I’d packed our belongings and left. Now she needed me to take her there, and I wasn’t sure if I could.

She used the walker and took slow, cautious steps, and I followed behind, my throat growing tighter the closer we got. I tried to tell myself I was overreacting, that I had slept in that room for years, both during and long after his visits. But the longer I’d been away, the scarier those four walls became. I’d built it up to be this black hole with mold growing on the ceiling and dirt covering the floor. In my mind, rodents had taken over, bugs and insects living off the filth he’d left behind.

“Jade? Sweetheart?” Mom’s voice caught my attention and I glanced up, expecting her to be right there. But she wasn’t. She’d made it to the bedroom door and had turned to find me twenty feet behind her. I was frozen, unable to move. An invisible weight had pressed into my chest, making breathing almost impossible. “Jade?”

“I can’t, Mom. I can’t go in there.” I took a step back, nearly tripping over my feet. “I-I have to go. I’m so sorry.”

“Jade!” Her voice was filled with panic as she called after me. “Jade, please. I can’t chase you. Talk to me.”

I’d managed to grab Aria, find my purse and keys, and make it three steps from the front door by the time my mom reached the entrance to the living room. She called my name one more time, fear and anguish overpowering her weak voice.

It was enough to make me stop and face her.

“Baby, talk to me. Please,” she begged, a sob catching in her words.

“I’m sorry, Mom.” Tears blurred my vision and flooded my cheeks. “I love you. And I want to be here for you. But I can’t be here. I can’t go in there. I can’t… I can’t…”

She gasped and caught herself with the walker, using it to keep her from falling. Her eyes scanned the living room before she peered over her shoulder to the hallway, toward my old bedroom, and a deafening howl ripped through her.

I didn’t need to say anything.

She already knew.

“Jade?” It was like she begged me to tell her it wasn’t true, that she’d assumed the wrong thing. But I couldn’t. And the moment she realized I wouldn’t give her the words she desperately needed, she fell into the wall with her shoulder before sliding to the floor, distressing cries flooding the house.

I ran to her, worried she’d injured her hip again. Setting Aria on her feet, I kneeled next to my mother, who grabbed me and pulled me into her chest. Aria had no idea what was going on, but the chaos was enough to frighten her. Screaming in fear, she clung to me, until I pulled her closer and brought her into her grandmother’s embrace. My mom took one look at her, then swung her questioning stare back to me, but rather than make me answer, she simply touched my face and cried, “I’m so sorry. So, so sorry.”

After six years, that was all I needed to hear her say.

* * *

“Where are you taking her?” Stevie’s frantic voice filled my ear.

I glanced next to me and watched my mother sleep with the passenger seat fully reclined. “I’m taking her to Geneva Key. We weren’t able to find anywhere she could stay that didn’t involve stairs, and neither one of us could stand to be in that house a minute longer. What other choice do I have?”

“What’s she going to do about her doctors’ appointments and physical therapy? What about the at-home-care nurses? You can’t just take her hours away this soon after hip surgery. And I’m pretty sure having her sit in a car for three hours is a horrible idea.”

I couldn’t help but smile at my friend through the phone. “Are you sad that I’m leaving?”

“Of course I am. This is all about me, Jade. How long have we been friends? You should know by now that I’m a selfish bitch, and I was secretly hoping you would just decide to stay here.” Even though she was joking, she meant it on some small level.

“I’m not going across the country, Stevie.”

“Country…state, same thing.” She huffed dramatically. “Whatever. Enough about you. Back to your mom and her hip. What are you planning to do?”

“Well, right now, she’s sound asleep, thanks to her painkillers. As far as her doctors and therapy, I’ve already made the calls. If I have to drive her back for appointments before we can get her transferred to someone over there, then so be it. I don’t care.”

“What about her house? A job? Now that she doesn’t have his income, she’ll need to work.”

“Calm down. Those things don’t matter—they’re not important. You’re missing the bigger picture here. My mom and I get to be together and sort through everything without a state between us. Without my fear of being in her home. We finally get to heal…and everything else will work out the way it’s supposed to. The house will sell. She’ll find a job if she has to.”

“You’re right.”

I snickered. “I know I am.”

“Have you talked to Cash about your plan?”

My chest grew tight. Things between us had felt strained Sunday night when he went to bed, closing himself off in his room, and I hadn’t heard from him since. The few texts I’d sent him, along with the call I’d placed this afternoon, went unanswered. I had probably ruined everything, but I refused to give up. If he didn’t want my mom or me there, then we’d leave and find somewhere else—on the island. For the first time in my life, I was ready to fight for what I wanted instead of waiting for it to happen.

Crying in my mother’s arms did something to me. I wasn’t sure if it was finally breaking down that wall of secrets between us, or if it came with the evidence of her love, but the tether that had held me back was snipped.

I was free.

And as soon as the idea of going to Geneva Key came up, there was no place else I wanted to be. This whole time, I couldn’t make a decision because I’d been stuck in the grey space. But the second I had fully let my mom in, the colors began to shine, and I was finally free to live my life.

“Um…no. I tried to call him, but it went straight to voicemail.”

“So you’re just moving your mom into his house and hope he’s okay with it?”

I truly believed Cash wouldn’t have a problem with my mom living there, because it would mean I’d be there, too. Occasionally, when I started to panic that he’d given up on me, I worried that maybe he no longer desired a relationship. But in my heart, in my soul, deep within my core…I didn’t believe that was true.

“Are you kidding? What man wouldn’t be ecstatic to have his girlfriend’s mom living with him?” And just like that, the lectures were over.

We stayed on the phone for the rest of the drive while Mom and Aria slept. When I pulled up to the house, I couldn’t help the stabbing pain in my chest when I noticed all the lights off and his Range Rover missing from the back. Aware that he’d gone back to work, I hadn’t expected him to be there on a Thursday night, but that didn’t stop the hope from building on my way over.

“Mom…” I lightly touched her shoulder to stir her awake. “We’re home.”