Chapter Twenty-Six
I finally had more than a minute alone outside of a bathroom stall. Joan was meeting someone who she wouldn’t mention for drinks. I had a pretty good guess who. Lucas cornered her after lunch and leaned in close to whisper in her ear. I swore she blushed right before she pushed him away, leaving him to admire her backside. I wanted to know what he’d said to her, but I figured if she wanted to tell me, she would.
I sank into Joan’s couch, exhausted. It had been a nonstop day. After lunch I was ushered to an interview with IN TREND, where more of the same uncomfortable questions came. Then to a dinner appointment with an exec from a national chain of shoe stores who was interested in partnering with Sweet Feet. It felt good to be able to openly work with our foundation. It was the highlight of my day and helped me forget for a moment my entire life was being played out online without my consent.
After I took a breath and kicked off my shoes, I grabbed my phone. I needed to hear my husband’s voice.
He picked up after two rings. I expected to hear his voice, but all I could hear was James laughing and yelling, “DE-LAN-IE, you are my new hero! Please tell me how you got that toilet in the principal’s office.”
My head dropped. I’d been hoping Peter hadn’t seen that yet. I wanted to give him some warning. “Hi, honey,” was all I could say, which was weird because I don’t think I’d ever called Peter that, but it seemed apropos.
“Hey,” he sounded more tired than I was, which was saying something.
“Are you still working?” It was nine there and had been dark for a while now.
James was still spouting off nonsense in the background. “Saintly Peter got himself a wild woman while I ended up with the good girl. God definitely has a sense of humor.” He was not helping any.
“Let me walk back to Dad’s office.” No doubt James was irritating him.
I heard a door close.
“That’s better,” Peter sighed.
“Why are you at the office?”
“It’s been crazy here, and without Sam to help, and with Avery supporting her today at the signing. And . . . it’s just been busy, so we are playing catch up.”
I rested my head against the couch cushion. “I’m sor—”
“Don’t say it.”
“At least tell me how Sam’s signing went.” Anything to not talk about the elephant that not only filled the room but every corner of our lives.
“According to Avery, they sold every copy and they were there for hours.”
“That’s great. I’m happy for her.”
Uncomfortable silence crept in between us, a kind of quiet that had never happened before.
The elephant needed to be addressed. “I take it you saw the piece done about me back in Portland.”
“Yeah,” he breathed out.
“And?”
“I’m just surprised, is all. You’ve never really told me a lot about that time in your life.”
“You’ve never asked, and I didn’t think it was important. Besides, half of that article was lies.”
“Which half?”
I was stunned by his question. “Does it really matter?” Because if it did, how could I ever tell him about her?
“No,” he sighed.
My heart felt as if it had stopped. “Peter.”
“I’m just tired, baby.” He’d been saying that a lot lately.
“I know you are. I am too. And I wish I could make this easier on you. Try to stay offline for now.”
“It doesn’t matter if I do or don’t. Everywhere I go, people are happy to fill me in and are hoping I will return the favor.” His voice teetered on anger and anguish. I’d only heard him sound like this one other time. The day he came to tell me he had been reassigned because of his feelings for me. Now, once again, it was me causing his angst.
What could I say? Sorry wouldn’t come close to making it better. “I . . .” my voice quivered.
“Delanie.” He blew out a large breath. “I’m sorry for lashing out. This isn’t your fault.”
I choked back my tears. “I beg to differ.”
“Please don’t. I’m trying to adjust.”
“Me too,” my voice betrayed me and cracked.
“Baby, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
The tears came whether I wanted them to or not. I was so tired I let them fall without restraint. With them came silence. There was no lying and saying I was fine. I wasn’t. And worse, I had no idea how to comfort him. How had we gotten to this place?
“Delanie, let’s talk in the morning after we’ve both had some sleep.”
He wanted to hang up?
“Okay,” I choked, but I couldn’t let him go quite yet. “Peter?”
“Yeah?”
“You know I’m still me, right?”
“I know. Good night.”
That was it? My phone fell in my lap, heavy and cold. Nothing had prepared me for that call. Though I suppose it was unfair for me to think he would make it all better when he was going through as much turmoil as me. Words Avery had spoken after the death of their daughter, Hannah, came to mind. The hardest part is that we are both in so much pain we can’t comfort each other, she had said about James and herself.
This situation didn’t come close to the loss of a child—I knew from experience—but Peter and I had lost something. It was more than privacy. It was the oasis we had forged when we needed peace from the storms, usually his mother. That oasis had now been invaded by something much more invasive, and we were retreating instead of clinging to each other like we had before. The worst part was I didn’t know when the storms would end, and I myself carried a tidal wave large enough to drown us both. How could I tell him now? I would have to wait until the sun rose again. When we had time to catch our breath. I could only hope that it didn’t come to light on its own.
I wasn’t sure any of my secrets were safe anymore.
I curled up on Joan’s hard-as-a-rock wool couch wishing for sleep to take away the hurt if only for a little while. I was too tired to get up and go to bed and the thought of being alone in bed made it even less inviting. My head had barely landed on a throw pillow when my phone vibrated. I barely had the physical or mental energy to look at it. I wasn’t sure I could handle one more blow today. I turned over the phone to find my favorite words from my favorite person. I love you.
His message was better than any stimulant. I immediately texted back. I love you more.
Impossible.
The stranglehold on my heart eased. It gave me hope we could weather the storms together. That we would find our way to each other in this blinding rain that was beating upon us now. I held the phone tight to my chest as if it were a talisman, only to have it ring. I didn’t bother looking at it; I answered right away knowing it had to be Peter but ended up confused when the voice on the other end sounded similar but not quite like him.
“Delanie, I hope you don’t mind that Peter gave me your new number. I know you may not want to hear from me.”
It finally clicked who it was, and I sat up. “Hello, Joseph.”
He let out a deep sigh. “I was hoping one day we could dispense with my first name and you would call me Dad.”
The tears returned. No one had ever wanted me to call them Dad. I was so touched, I had no idea what to say. I didn’t even care that the timing wasn’t perfect, or maybe this was perfect timing. A light in the storm.
“That’s probably wishful thinking at this point,” he said while I tried to sort through my feelings and formulate a response.
“No. It’s just . . .” What did I say? I was terrible at this. I paused and listened to my heart. “That would be an honor, but I fear it may result in bodily harm for you.”
“The honor would be all mine and I’m willing to endure any pain for it, but I don’t think that will be an issue.”
“I wouldn’t be too sure.” I did a terrible job of keeping the snark out of my reply. I knew very well how Sarah would feel about me calling Joseph Dad. It seemed unnatural to think it. How was I going to say it?
“Honey,” he sighed. “I’m sorry I let things get this far. I want you to know that I genuinely thought last weekend would bring us all together. Now I fear there are rifts that will never be mended.”
“This isn’t your fault.”
“But it is. I should have spoken up a long time ago and especially over the weekend. On Saturday I knew something was off with . . .” I wasn’t the only one refusing to say her name. “But I didn’t question it because over the years I’ve learned to stay out of my wife’s way, and because I didn’t want to believe it. Now we are all paying for it.”
“It was bound to come out eventually,” I tried to make him feel better, even though what I really wanted to do was tell him that his wife was an evil witch, and this was all her fault. And what did he ever see in her anyway? But I couldn’t do that to Joseph.
“Well it damn sure shouldn’t have been from your family.”
I couldn’t have agreed more, but the problem was that Sarah never saw me as her family. “What’s done is done.”
“I’m sorry it had to be this way, but I want you to know that I’m proud of the way you’re handling it.”
“You’re proud of me?” My voice squeaked.
“Very. You held your own during that interview and from what I’ve heard for the last few years, my daughter-in-law is one heck of a writer.”
The fact he even watched the interview meant so much to me, but to be proud of me? That was a whole new level. A parent that was proud of me. I had to let that sink in while I wiped away my tears. “Thank you.”
“Honey, I should thank you for sticking it out with my son despite what some of us have put you through.”
“I love Peter.”
“I know you do.”
“I’m worried about him,” I admitted quietly.
“He doesn’t seem to be handling the pressure well,” Joseph agreed with me, “but I’m not surprised.”
I didn’t expect that response. “You’re not?” I had to say that I was. Peter had been a rock our entire relationship.
“Most of Peter’s life, he has lived a sheltered existence. It’s one of the reasons I was happy when he brought you home. He’s needed to see that life isn’t the straight line he’s always imagined.”
“Are you saying I’m the squiggle marks?”
He laughed, albeit subdued. “You are the woman who’s given him permission to look at life through another lens and see that there are multiple perspectives for every situation or circumstance and realize that things may not be as cut and dry as he used to think.”
“I don’t think I can take the credit for that. I think his former profession taught him more about that than I ever have.”
“You don’t like saying ‘priest,’ do you?”
“You are perceptive.”
“That’s what happens when you get old. It’s okay, you know? Neither of you have anything to be ashamed about.”
“I just know how hard that choice was for him and I . . .” I couldn’t admit it out loud to him.
“You worry he regrets it?”
I’d needed someone like him. A father or father figure to know what I was thinking even if I couldn’t say it. I knew I had missed out on something by the way my friends growing up would talk about their dads, but until this moment, I had never known how deep that loss was. Joseph was making me question how differently my life would have turned out had I had a father to turn to. Maybe I could have avoided some of my mistakes if there had been someone there willing to guide me instead of the man I felt like I had to hide everything from, lest he be disappointed or dismissive. Joseph made me feel free to share my fears.
“More so now than ever,” I breathed out.
“Honey, you have no reason to worry. My son loves you. He’s been a bear to be around these last couple of days since you’ve been gone, if that tells you anything.”
“It could have more to do with our names being dragged through the mud.”
“I agree that he’s taking that hard, but your absence is harder. I know what it’s like to miss your wife.” Emotion crept into his voice.
I hesitated to ask, “Are you missing her now?”
“More than you know. I better let you get some rest,” he hastily moved on.
“I hope you can work things out.”
“We always manage to somehow. Good night, honey.”
“Good night, Jo—I mean, D . . . Dad.”