Chapter Thirty-Seven
With headphones securely in place so I didn’t burn Peter’s ears off, I tried to write after my emotionally and physically exhausting day of meeting my daughter and hundreds of fans. I couldn’t sleep, so I didn’t know what else to do. Except all I could do was stare at the box of Cocoa Pebbles and half eaten bowl of cereal on the coffee table in front of me. All reminders of Peter. He wanted to take care of me and had Fiona send someone for my favorite cereal. My go-to cereal that had seen me through six books.
I thought of how he held my hand the entire drive back as I cried and cried, both happy and sad tears. I’d hardly said a word, but he kept apologizing for denying me the opportunity to tell him about Xaria last week when I tried. He repeated some of the same sentiments as Anna and Henry, that I was a hero and giving her up for adoption was the brave thing to do. I don’t think I would ever feel that way about it. Would he feel the same way about me giving him up? Maybe in the future he would look back and thank me.
I watched Peter tonight as he stood in the background and observed me interacting with my crazed fans. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking, but this couldn’t be the life he wanted. I hated seeing what it had done to him. To us.
My eyes focused back on my screen, frustrated I couldn’t write the story. Hunter’s voice was completely gone. I couldn’t even make anything up. I shook my laptop. “WHY WON’T YOU TALK TO ME!”
Peter came rushing out of the bedroom, showered and in pajama bottoms. I had told him to just go to bed. It would be another late night for me. Or maybe not. I was about ready to chuck my laptop across the room.
Peter landed by my side and saved the laptop by removing it and setting it on the coffee table. He ran the back of his hand down my cheek. “Hey, there, what’s wrong?”
I rubbed my hands over my face. “I can’t do it. I can’t finish the story. I don’t think Hunter wants Laine.”
Peter shook his head in disbelief. He knew better than anyone my plans for Hunter and Laine. “I think you’re tired.”
“I’m not tired.” Anger threaded my words. Well, I was exhausted, but that had nothing to do with this.
He stood and reached down to pick me up. “It’s been a long day and you need to get some rest.”
“I’m fine on the couch.”
He didn’t listen to me and scooped me up.
Where I used to melt in his arms, I was as stiff as I could be. “I said I was fine on the couch.”
Peter stood still, refusing my request but gazing intently at me. “Delanie, you are my wife and the mother of my child. You get the bed.”
What if I didn’t want to be in it alone?
He didn’t give me the chance to protest. He walked me straight back and laid me on the king-sized bed covered in a paisley bedspread. His eyes took a moment to linger on me before kissing my head. “I love you.” He walked right back out, turning off the lights and shutting the double doors, leaving me to stare after him in the dark.
I sank into the pillows and tried to settle myself into the comfortable bed. It was nicer than the couch, but it felt so empty. I reached over to where Peter would have . . . should have been? I didn’t know. I didn’t know anything.
I pulled the covers up only to have Peter burst through the door. “Dammit, Delanie, I can’t take this anymore.”
I sat up, startled. Peter had never once sworn in my presence and he looked ominous with the light shining behind him as he marched toward me. He landed on the bed so forcefully we both bounced slightly. His green eyes focused in on mine.
“You’re doing that thing where you keep it all in, but I can see you, almost hear you thinking about us. Please just yell at me or tell me to go to hell; just say something.”
“I can’t,” I cried.
“Why not?”
“Because neither of us wants to admit it or hear the truth.”
He brushed my hair back. “Baby, what are you talking about?”
He was going to force my hand, but maybe it was better to say it now before it killed me inside. I looked up to the trey ceilings and that stupid crystal chandelier. “We aren’t meant to be together.” I let out a heavy breath along with some tears.
“Of course we aren’t.”
What? He agreed? I stared at him stunned.
He smiled at me as if he hadn’t just crushed my soul. “Delanie, I don’t know that anyone is meant to be together, especially not a priest and a beautiful, agnostic redhead with a mouth that would give a sailor a run for his money.”
I couldn’t help but give him a small smile.
He moved in closer, taking my hand and holding it against his bare chest where I could feel his strong heartbeat pounding harder than normal. “But that doesn’t matter. What does, is that we chose to be together.”
“Maybe we shouldn’t have.”
“I don’t believe that for a second.”
“Peter, you’re miserable and you had no idea what you were getting into when you married me. I feel like I broke you and the best thing for you would be to let you go.”
“Did you know what you were getting into when you married me?” he asked.
I shook my head.
“Do you know how many times I’ve felt guilty for bringing you into my crazy family after everything they’ve done to you? If it wasn’t for my mom, we wouldn’t be here right now. Yet you chose to stay with me.”
That gave me some pause.
“You’re right though—I’m miserable without you. And I’m broken, but not because of you. Because we all are in some shape or form. These last few weeks, I know I screwed up. I’ve reacted poorly, and I’ve hurt you. All things I deeply regret.”
“I’ve hurt you too,” I whispered.
“Only because I realized you didn’t feel like our relationship was strong enough where you could confide in me.”
“You don’t know how bad I wanted to, but I was afraid you would realize sooner rather than later that we were all wrong for each other. That maybe you had made a mistake choosing me over God.”
He shook his head as if I’d struck him. “Have you always felt like this?”
I nodded. “More so now.” I inhaled and exhaled. “Peter, I can’t live in fear thinking some story is going to come out that finally drives home to you how different we are. And I can’t stand the thought that my life is killing who you are.”
He took both my hands in his and kissed them. “Baby, I don’t know what to say.” He sat dazed for a moment. He leaned in and rested his forehead against mine. “You listen to me, Delanie Decker, I didn’t choose you over God. I chose you because of Him. You make my life worth living. Being without you is killing me, not the other way around. Maybe we weren’t meant to be, but we do belong together. You are part of me, the best part. If anyone is undeserving in this relationship, it’s me.”
I desperately wanted to believe him. “I don’t know about that.”
“I do.” He gently brushed my lips. “Please forgive me. Give me time to catch up to you. Let me be the man you can tell your secrets to.”
I fixed my hands on his cheeks, pressed my lips to his, and held them steady. Our mix of tears dripped down my fingers.
“I love you.” He kissed me once. “I choose you.” He parted my lips. “Every day.” He groaned deeply, tasting me. “For the rest of my life.”
I rested my head on his strong shoulder. “I love you, Peter. So much.”
He held me until I melted into him. “I should let you get some rest.”
“Don’t go.”
He didn’t need me to ask him twice. He crawled under the covers with me and I found myself where I longed to be—in his arms, my head resting in its proper place, listening to the sound of his heart.
He rubbed my arms. “Let’s talk about the flannel.”
“What about it?”
“You look great in it, but there’s a lot of it.”
My fingers danced across his smooth chest. “What are you saying?”
“Only that I miss you and I brought plenty of T-shirts with me that I’m willing to share.”
“How very kind of you.”
“That’s the kind of guy I am.”
I laughed against his chest. “I’ll ditch the flannel tomorrow night. This baby has me exhausted.”
Peter’s hand found its way past the flannel where it rested on my bare abdomen. “We’re having a baby.” He couldn’t hide the excitement in his voice.
“I know. What are we going to do?” I had no idea how to take care of a baby.
“We’ll figure it out. Together.”
“I like the sound of that.”
“Me too.” He kissed my head. “I’ve been thinking.”
“What about?”
“If you don’t want to go back to Chicago, we won’t. We can move wherever you want. And I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said about running Sweet Feet. I think I’d like that, and I can do that from anywhere.”
I snuggled in closer to him. “I think you could do a lot of good with it. As for Chicago, I’ll think about it. There are some people there I really love. I want our baby to have the family I never had growing up.”
“Our baby is already the luckiest kid in the world to have you as their mom.”
“I don’t know, Peter. Look at what I did the first time around.”
He pulled me closer, making me feel safe. “Honey, Xaria is every bit as lucky as this baby.” His hand caressed my abdomen. “You gave her the best you had to give at the time by loving her unselfishly. And look at her. You can take credit for that.”
I wasn’t sure how much credit I could take. Anna and Henry, from all that I could tell, were amazing parents, as I knew they would be. “I just don’t want her to think that because I gave her up for adoption that I loved her less than our baby.”
“When the time is right to tell her, we will help her see that isn’t true.”
My head popped up so I could see his beautiful eyes that had just become more attractive to me. “We?”
His finger glided down my cheek. “You don’t mind, do you?”
“I would love nothing more.” I flashed him a seductive smile. “You know, I’m suddenly not that tired and this flannel is a little too warm for my taste.”
He returned my smile with a sultry one of his own. “I think I could help you out there.”
“I had a feeling you could.”
His lips tenderly came down on mine. He took his time, teasing them, making the anticipation of what was to come grow, but neither of us were in any hurry to get there. We knew we were in it for the long haul, so we could take our time, knowing if we did how much sweeter the reward would be.
“Delanie,” Peter whispered against my lips.
“Yes,” I breathed out, aching for his kiss.
“Hunter will always choose Laine.”