Chapter Thirty-Three
Sam ended up staying in my room and, I was almost embarrassed to say, she held me on the couch all night long. It was the first night in a long time I got a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. Her presence was medicine for my soul. Too bad it didn’t help with the waves of nausea or my appetite, but I would take what I could get at this point. Maybe if I decided on whether I should meet my daughter it would offer some relief. Loosen a few of the knots in my stomach. Both Sam and Joan encouraged me to do it. Sam said I needed to do it because I deserved to know her, and if I wanted to forgive myself, this was the first step. But she said from her point of view, there was no need to forgive myself. I had done the brave thing.
I didn’t feel brave. I felt as if I had let my baby down. I remember her crying before they laid her on my chest. For those few precious moments against my skin she was calm, but as soon as they took her away she let out this heart wrenching cry. Anna and Henry tried to soothe her, but they couldn’t. I couldn’t take her again. I knew if I had, I wouldn’t have wanted to let her go. Then I left her and went on to move away to try and forget her and the pain, but I found I couldn’t and didn’t want to. What kind of person did that make me?
I tried sitting up so as not to disturb Sam. I was feeling more nauseous than ever. I took a few sips of water in the dark morning while staring at my now fully charged phone. I picked it up with the same false hope I’d had the last few days that there would be a message from Peter. Once again, I was disappointed. There was a text from Avery, though.
Good luck today. I wish I could have come too, but things are so busy at the office. I can’t wait to hear all about it. Love you.
Those last two words meant more to me than I could express. To know even though I had lost Peter’s love, I still had the love of Sam and Avery in my life was something inexpressible.
Thank you. I love you.
No longer was I holding back those words. I realized now they didn’t make me vulnerable, they made me stronger. Huh. That thought struck me. I opened my email app and pulled up Anna and Henry’s message. I read it a hundred times, trying to build up my courage before I hit reply.
Dear Anna and Henry,
I would love to meet her and see you again. Please let me know a convenient time for you.
Delanie
Sam sat up and looked over my shoulder. “Send it.”
My thumb hovered over the send button. I took a deep breath and, with one eye open, clicked it. I let out that breath and dropped my phone on the table. “I think I might be sick.” I ran to the bathroom and sat in front of the toilet as if I was worshipping it. I would if it would have helped me to feel better. Nothing but dry heaves happened, which gave no relief whatsoever.
Sam knocked on the open door before walking in to witness me in my pathetic state. She sat next to me on the marble floor and smoothed my cheeks with such care, her gray eyes giving me the once over. Her head swayed from side to side as if she was debating to speak. She finally asked, “Is there a chance you’re pregnant?”
“No,” I blurted without even entertaining the thought because that just couldn’t happen right now. Not when my marriage was over.
“Are you sure?”
I thought about the start date of my last period. In all this craziness I had forgotten to keep track. I was late, but I’d been this late before and I was overly stressed, which always affected my periods. “I’m late, but—”
“I think you should take a pregnancy test.”
I grabbed onto her arms. “I can’t be. Not now. It’s the stress.”
“Okay, honey,” she tried to placate me. “Let’s just make sure.”
“Sam, I can’t go out and buy a test. Do you know how fast the news would get out?”
She thought for a second. “Can you send your assistant for one? Fiona, right? She’s the one who initially called me about coming.”
I ran my hands through my messy, thick hair. “Sam.” I shook uncontrollably.
“I know, honey. The timing isn’t great.”
“This would be the worst timing ever, except for the last time this happened to me.”
“God does have a sense of humor about these things.”
“There is nothing funny about this.” And if I was pregnant, God was a definite no-go on my list.
“No, there’s not, but maybe this was exactly the time this needed to happen for you and Peter. Perhaps a blessing in disguise?”
“Sam, I just can’t be,” I choked out.
~*~
I found myself once again staring at a stick of torture on a bathroom counter. This time I was pleading with every deity I could think of, God, Buddha, Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Brahma, Zeus, Yoda, you name it, that the second line wouldn’t appear, all while Sam, Joan, and Fiona waited outside the bathroom door anxiously waiting for the verdict.
Please, please, please, please. I held onto the counter for support, holding my breath. It all came out in a whoosh seconds later when that second line appeared strong and clear. Along with it came tears. I sank back down to the bathroom floor. Why now? How was I going to tell Peter I was having his baby now that he wanted nothing to do with me?
“Del.” Joan knocked on the door. “You okay, kid?”
People really needed to stop asking me that.
I didn’t respond, which I guess gave them all permission to come in. They had their answer when they saw me on the floor with tear-stained cheeks.
They all sat around me as if we were going to play a game of duck duck goose or have a séance. I focused on Sam, who sat directly across from me. Her smile spoke of understanding and of happiness. “I’m going to be an aunt again.” She reached across and took my hands. “This is all going to work out between you and Peter. You’ll see.”
I shook my head vehemently. “I don’t want him to stay with me because I’m pregnant.”
“He loves you,” she tried to reassure me.
“You didn’t see how he looked at me.”
She pressed her lips together. “Well, maybe I need to have a talk with him then.”
“Please don’t talk to him or tell him.”
All their eyes went wide.
“I’m not going to keep this a secret from him. I promise.” I was done with secrets. “I just need some time to . . . to wrap my head around this.”
They all nodded as if they understood.
I’m glad they did because I couldn’t understand the timing of this at all, especially when I was supposed to be standing up in front of hundreds of people in a couple of hours. The only thing I did know was that this time I was keeping my baby.
Joan and Sam did their best to make me look presentable and as if I hadn’t received life changing news only hours before. I stared in the long, free-standing mirror in my suite. I hardly recognized myself in the chic camel blazer and skinny black pants. Sam had piled my hair high in an updo and Joan had done my makeup darker to give me some color in my already pale skin made more so by the latest development.
My hand kept finding my abdomen. Despite the worst timing in the history of best laid plans of mice and men, I wanted this baby. I tried my best not to think about Peter and what this would all mean to him and us, but I couldn’t help it, even though it meant Joan had to reapply my makeup.
I didn’t have any clue on how to broach the subject with him. Did I leave a message because I was sure he wasn’t going to answer? “Hey, Peter, remember me, your wife? I just wanted to thank you for the parting gift. By the way, you’re going to be a father. Congratulations. Should we hash out custody plans now or later? Call me.”
I rubbed my face, but not too much. So much makeup. Ugh. That wasn’t my only problem. I almost had to take my nose stud out from blowing my nose so much. And I still felt as if I was going to vomit.
Joan was trying to shove crackers in my mouth before we all walked down to the ballroom where the luncheon was being hosted. She meant well, but they were some kind of weird green cracker, and they smelled awful. I pushed her hand away. “I’m fine.”
“You’re lying.” Joan tossed the cracker in the waste bin.
“Yes, I am.”
“Can we get you anything?” Fiona asked.
“Not right now. I’ll try and eat something after I’m done humiliating myself.”
Joan patted my cheeks. “I read your notes and they are as eloquent as ever, so suck it up, buttercup.”
“There you go being a motivator again.”
She laughed while giving my cheeks one more pat.
Sam had a gentler touch. She smoothed the lapel on my jacket and gave me her signature warm smile. “You look beautiful.”
I took her hand. “Thank you for coming.”
“I wouldn’t miss it.”
We all walked down together, and for a moment, it struck me, looking at the three strong beautiful women who surrounded me, that mothers don’t necessarily come to you by birth. They are forged in the battle of life and delivered to you through the hands of friendship.