CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
JACE
After we finished serving lunch, Lily and I fixed our own plates and sat down at one of the tables with them. Daphne’s friend had come up and got both hers and Daphne’s. The poor thing couldn’t look at me again.
Some of the parishioners were playing a volleyball game and some were throwing Frisbees around. Some had just gone off to explore. I scanned the park for Daphne and finally found her and her friend. They were kicking around a soccer ball with a couple of the teenage kids who had come along. Daphne had pulled her wet hair back into a ponytail again and was smiling and laughing as they played.
It was my first chance to watch her just be happy. It was nice. She was drop-dead gorgeous when she was nervous and antsy…or drunk…or angry…but happy was much nicer. Happy gave her face a softer look, and I couldn’t help but want to touch her.
I could pray over it twenty times a day, but I cannot control my thoughts or my body’s reactions. Maybe I needed to accept that. Maybe concentrating on controlling my actions would save me in the end. Or maybe I should stop looking at her…and stop putting myself in situations where I know she’ll be.
“Did you hear me? What are you looking at?” Lily started to look over her shoulder.
“Nothing. How’s your lunch?”
She looked down at her turkey sandwich and chips. With a little chuckle she said, “It’s okay. Are you?”
“I’m fine.”
“You seem a little distracted,” she said. Then she thought about it and said, “No, actually you seem a lot distracted, all day. What’s going on?”
“Nothing, really. I was just thinking that I should start loading things and cleaning up. We need to get out of here before sundown. The park is haunted, you know.” I grinned and she smiled.
“Make fun of me all you want, but I think I felt something brush up against me earlier.”
“That was just Mr. Bowers. He’s a dirty old man.”
She laughed. “Stop it. Come on, I’ll help you get stuff cleaned up. Before you phased out, did you hear what I asked you?”
“No, I’m sorry. What was it?”
She laughed. “See what I mean? Never mind, it wasn’t important. This was a lot of fun, though. I missed you, Jace.”
“I missed you, too, Lily. It’s been great catching up.” I wasn’t lying. Her constant touching me in front of my parishioners was annoying me a little bit, though.
“Maybe we can do lunch or dinner?” she asked.
I considered that. I just wasn’t sure how much time with her was too much. It’s not that it’s unheard of for a priest to have friends, even female friends. But generally, they’re older woman that the priest is certain he wouldn’t be physically attracted to. I already knew that wasn’t the case with Lily.
But the truth was that I was sure I could control myself with Lily. The feelings I had for her weren’t like the ones I felt when I was around Daphne. It’s like the devil himself was controlling my hormones when Daphne was anywhere near my line of vision.
Speaking of which, I looked for her again. She was still playing soccer and looking way too freaking good doing it. I wondered if she was an athlete in high school.
I realized Lily was still waiting for a response and I said, “Yeah, sure. Call me.”
We got busy then breaking things down and loading things up. Most everyone stayed around and helped so it went quickly. I had a pontoon-type boat that I was going to take the canoes back over on and there was a larger boat to pick up everyone else and take them back to where the bus and their cars were.
I said my goodbyes to most of the parishioners. I realized that Daphne was one of the ones who had gotten away. She was already on the boat. I told myself that was a good thing. I needed to avoid too much time with her, and I only made her nervous, anyway. It made me feel a little badly that she hadn’t wanted to say goodbye
I realized, however, that the boat was getting ready to leave and Lily was still hanging around. “You better catch that boat so you can get to your car,” I told her.
“I thought maybe I’d ride with you in case you need any help.” She was stroking my arm again.
“Nah, I’m good, Lily. Thanks. The boat is going to be full of supplies and it’s small so there won’t be anywhere for you to sit. I don’t have to unload the boats. They said I can just leave it loaded.”
She looked disappointed, but she said, “Okay then; it was great. We have to get together really soon.
“Yeah, it was. I’ll see you at church tomorrow.” She nodded and smiled. Then she leaned in and kissed my cheek. She let her breasts gently bump into my arm that time. My arm was getting a lot of action, and she was definitely working it.
After I got the boat back to World’s End and unloaded a few things, I headed back to the church to do some work on the next mass. I thought about calling Ryan back, but I put it off. I didn’t want to talk to him about my time with Daphne.
It wasn’t just a cheap one-night stand like the ones my brother goes looking for. She was a virgin, for one thing… Jesus, what a way for the poor thing to lose her virginity: with a priest.
I shuddered and realized that I really, really need to talk to someone about the feelings I’d been having. I still couldn’t bring myself to face my bishop or any of the priests that I knew personally, so I took a detour.
I went to a church called St Francis and sought out the priest there. His name was Father John and I’d only met him once when he came to my church in Boston to talk to us about an organization called the Confraternity of Catholic Clergy. It was founded by Fr. John Trigilio and the idea of it was to meet with other priests who might also be having desires for female companionship. It’s kind of like AA for priests who are confused by their sexual feelings. It’s all confidential, and I was feeling like I had to do something before I did something really bad…again.
“Father Jace, how good to see you again.” The elderly man was as sharp as a tack and recognized me right away.
“Hello, Father John, it’s good to see you again, too.” I suddenly felt naked in front of him in my picnic shorts and t-shirt. “Excuse the way I’m dressed, we had a church canoe trip and picnic today.”
Father John smiled. “My favorite activities are those we can do in normal clothes, Father Jace. Please, have a seat. Tell me what I can do for you.”
“This is difficult for me, Father. I haven’t spoken to anyone about it… I’m having some carnal feelings towards a woman in my parish.”
He didn’t look like he was judging me, but I’d also put it much milder than the actual truth. “Priests are human, too, son. We are often not expected to be, but we are. Have you prayed over it?”
“Yes, Father, many times. I’m hoping that maybe talking to others who have had the same feelings, getting some advice from men who understand what I’m going through, might help. I remembered what you said about the Confraternity of Catholic Clergy.”
“Yes, it’s a fabulous resource for us. I can put you down for the next meeting.”
“Great! When is it?”
“Wednesday is our next meeting.”
“Wednesday? You don’t have anything sooner?” Okay, now he looked like he might be judging me just a little bit. Maybe I was giving away that I’d already gone too far. “I’m sorry, Father. I’m just really confused.”
“I understand. Would you like to talk to me about it?”
“Have you ever had these feelings?”
“Of course. I’m an old man; I’ve had them more than once. Like I said, we’re human, too.
“You’re very young, Jace, and your body is going through the same things that other men your age are going through. Your mind knows that you’re married to our Lord, but your body doesn’t. As a priest, you expect that since you love our Lord so much, it will be easy to uphold your vows.
“But again, we’re just like any other men. How many men break their vows to their wives? We hear it in confession all the time. And, what do we hear them say over and over?”
I knew what I heard them say. “They tell me that they still love their wives and that it was just sex…it didn’t mean anything.”
“Exactly, and I believe them. It doesn’t make it right, but I believe they mean it. I also believe that you thinking about breaking your vows when you look at a young, beautiful woman with your young body doesn’t mean you don’t love your Lord God.”
“It doesn’t, Father John. I love God as much as ever. My love for Him has gotten me through so much. Like I said, I’m just confused…and I’m worried. I’m worried that I’m going to ruin my relationship with Him, and that I’ll regret it for as long as I live.”
I’m also worried that I’ll regret not getting to have Daphne again for just that long.
“Being here is proof to me that you want to deal with this and stay true to your vows. But you and I both know that God doesn’t need to see proof. He knows what’s in your heart and your head. He knows you’re struggling. Talk to him, Jace. Pray hard. And in the meantime, if you need to talk before the meeting, you’re always welcome to come to me.”
His words made me feel better. I knew everything he said before he said it, but I had needed to hear it said out loud. “Thank you, Father John. I appreciate your help more than I can tell you.”
“I wish I could do more, son. Just please don’t be so hard on yourself. Please, remember that it’s okay to be human.”
That’s the part I’d been struggling so hard with. I wanted to be a good priest and a good Catholic and a good example, but throughout it all, I’d forgotten to remember that I was also a good human, and even a good human is not perfect, but can be forgiven. I thanked Father John again and left there about ten pounds lighter than I’d gone in.
The next several days, I managed to make it through without one single carnal thought. I didn’t not think about Daphne, that was too much to ask, but I only thought about her in terms that a Catholic priest could be proud of. I hoped that she was doing well and I hoped that she would make it for Church on Sunday—that sort of thing. I did think about how pretty she is, but fully clothed, in dry clothes.
I went to the meeting on Wednesday, and I found out by listening to the other priests that I wasn’t as much of a freak as I had thought I was. Even the older priest there talked about having feelings of lust.
One priest confessed to being in love with the same woman for ten years. He claimed to have done nothing about it, but she’s his neighbor and there was something in his eyes when he talked about her that told me maybe he did cross the line. Or maybe I just wanted that to be the case so I didn’t feel like the only one who was going straight to hell in a handbasket.
Thursday evening, as I was thinking about what I should have for dinner, there was a knock on my door. I was surprised to pull it open and find Lily standing there with a picnic basket in one hand and a bottle of sparkling cider in the other.
I hadn’t heard from her since church on Sunday. She had stopped to say hello and asked again if I wanted to go out to dinner. She asked in front of other parishioners, so I’d brushed her off. I recovered from my surprise and said, “Hey, Lily! What’s up?”
She flashed me her cutest smile. One thing about Lily is she knows she’s cute. She’d not just cute…she’s hot—drop dead gorgeous hot. She’d never had any problems with poor self-esteem. If anything, she had a little too much self-esteem and it bordered on being full of herself.
I’ve always thought that the fact I turned her down was worse for her than actually accepting we couldn’t be together. I’d wounded her ego, and her ego wasn’t used to that.
Part of what attracted me to Daphne is that she doesn’t have that kind of ego. She could stand to have a lot more self-esteem, but that wasn’t even it. She thinks of others more than herself. Lily always had an ulterior motive.
“I brought dinner and a movie. Have you eaten yet?”
“Um…no, I was just thinking about it.” I was also really sure that this was a terrible idea.
In the meeting I’d gone to, I’d been advised not to put myself into situations that could get out of hand. Daphne was the one I really wanted, but Lily was just hot enough that the way I’d been feeling lately might push me over the edge. I wanted Daphne, but I’d have to be careful or Lily might just do.
“Well, are you going to invite me in?” She sounded annoyed that she was still standing on the doorstep.
Paranoid, I looked around to see who might be watching. No one was even out and about. “Um…I’m just not sure this is really appropriate, Lily. It’s one thing to eat out in a public place, but here in my home…”
“Oh, Jace. I’m not trying to seduce you, for God’s sake. It’s dinner and a PG rated movie. Get your mind out of the gutter.”
She’d made me feel foolish for assuming she wanted me. She’s just so damned flirtatious all the time. The truth be told, though, that was just her personality, and maybe I was making too much of it this time.
“Come on in,” I said, stepping back from the door. “I’m sorry; this is just all new to me.”
She raised an eyebrow and said, “You’ve been a priest for five years, now. Haven’t you had any friends over during that time?” She carried her basket over to the table and started setting up like she owned the place.
“Yes, but they were married couples, older women, or men. I’m never lonely, but I don’t spend much time with people my own age…much less people I have a history with. You and I dated…”
“A million years ago in high school.” She was saying one thing, but her eyes were saying another. She let them slowly run down my body, settling for way too long on my crotch.
I felt myself twitch. My mouth went dry, and I had a lump in my throat. I swallowed hard and said, “Here, I’ll take that,” I took the apple cider from her. I could feel her eyes on me as I took it into the kitchen to pour it into two glasses.
When I came back out, she had dinner set up. She’d brought it over warm, and it looked delicious. She had made oven baked mac and cheese—one of my personal favorites—cornbread, and some shredded tri-tip. I sat down with her and said, “This looks amazing. I haven’t had mac and cheese like this since Grandma passed away.”
“She’s the one who taught me how to make it; do you remember?”
“Yeah, that Sunday after church when it stormed so badly you couldn’t get home.”
“I was secretly glad. I had such a great time hanging out with your family. Your grandmother taught me how to make this, we made chocolate chip cookies, and we all played Monopoly in front of the fire. My family was never like that.”
I felt that stab in my gut I got every time I thought about my family. Those were good times, but they hadn’t all been like that. “It was a good day,” I said, simply.
I never wanted to think about the bad times. I did pretty well keeping all of that at bay. Lily and I ate our meal and had light conversation. She told me about her job, and I talked to her about things that were happening at the church.
We cleaned up together and then went in to watch the movie. “What movie is this?” I asked as she slid it into the DVD player on the television.
She came over to the couch and sat down next to me…a little too close. “It’s called Unconditional. It’s a Christian movie about a woman who loses her husband and then her faith.”
I smiled. “You know, I’m allowed to watch regular movies.” The church frowns on anything “R” rated, but they don’t have to all be Christian-themed.
“I know that. But, it’s hard to find one without sex and violence—both of which I know you wouldn’t approve of.” She seemed to disapprove of me not approving of sex and violence. “This one looks good.”
When the movie started, we were both sitting up with about two inches of space between us. As it progressed and the woman’s husband had died and she was grieving, Lily put her head on my shoulder. I could feel her body jerk with tiny little sobs. I didn’t say anything about her touching me; I thought she was just overcome by the emotions of the movie.
Somewhere along the way, though, I felt her move her hand and place it on my thigh. I was trying to ignore it and keep my eyes on the movie, but she wasn’t just resting it there. She started out rubbing that one spot…very lightly. It was enough for my cock to take notice, however, and I could feel an erection coming on.
I shifted slightly, trying to give her a subtle hint. She took it—but the wrong way. She moved her hand up to my stomach and started strumming her fingers there.
Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer. I grabbed her hand in mine with the intentions of moving it. She threaded our fingers together, and strictly to keep from embarrassing her, I held on.
Towards the end of the movie, the woman was learning how to love again and how to still believe in God. It was a good story, and although the person I’d lost was my grandmother, it was slightly similar to my own.
I was really into it when I felt Lily let go of my hand and shift her legs so that they were draped across mine. Her calves were now pressing into my crotch, and my erection returned with a vengeance.
I stretched and yawned as the movie started coming to an end, again trying to give her a subtle hint. She sat up and put her legs on the floor.
I thought she was getting ready to leave when suddenly she put both of her hands on my face and pulled me in for a kiss. I felt her lips on mine and then her tongue. I didn’t open my mouth, so she dragged it across my lips, tracing the outline of them slowly. My erection was at full staff and aching as it pressed against the front of my jeans.
For a second, I almost lost myself and then a picture of Daphne popped into my head. Yes, I saw the irony there, but it stopped me. I pushed back from her and said,
“Lily, what are you doing?”
She gave me a knowing look. “You know what I’m doing. I know you want me, Jace.” Her eyes flit to my waist, and she smiled. She could see that I was turned on.
“I won’t tell anyone. I want you, too. I’ve wanted you since we were kids. Let me make you feel good. You would love it, Jace, and no one has to know…”
I stood up quickly—so quickly that I almost knocked her over. Her words were meant to turn me on further, but they were having the opposite effect.
“No, Lily! I’m a priest. I told you when you first got here that this wasn’t even appropriate. What makes you even think I’d want to take things to that level?”
She stood up inches away from me. “That hard cock in your pants for one thing.” She reached for it, but I stepped back again. I honestly had no desire for her to touch me.
I didn’t want to fight with her or hurt her, so I said, “Lily, you’re not thinking clearly. I know you’re a better Catholic than this. We can’t do this. I’d be breaking my vows, and you’d be committing a carnal sin.”
She rolled her eyes and let out a small growl. “Jesus, Jace! It’s sex! Priests have sex all the time. They just have to be discreet. Have you ever read the Thorn Birds? Books like that wouldn’t even exist if priests didn’t really have sex. I can be discreet. I’ve been discreet before.”
I’m not sure what she meant by that, but I didn’t care. I just wanted her to go now. “Priests do not have sex all the time, Lily. If they do, it’s wrong.”
Then I said something that for the life of me, I couldn’t understand; I hadn’t meant to share it at all, much less with Lily. “If I could have those kinds of relations with a woman and my relationship with God, Lily…it wouldn’t be with you.
“I’m sorry, but there’s someone else that I’d have in a heartbeat, but even though I have feelings for her, I can’t have her. All I feel for you is friendship, Lily. My body’s responses are just hormones.”
She looked angry and narrowed her eyes at me. “You were the only man who ever turned me down, you know that? The rest of them jump at the chance. I know I’m hot, Jace. I work hard at it. I know you think I’m hot. I can see it on your face…and in your pants. Last chance, Jace; I’ll take you to heaven.”
What she was saying was both vain and blasphemous. She’ll take me to heaven? No, she’ll send me straight to hell. “I can’t, Lily.”
With an even angrier tone she said, “Fine! You ruined the plans for my life once, Jace. You were supposed to marry me, not God. We were supposed to have a life together.”
Her face softened again as she gave it one last try, “You don’t have to be a priest; it’s just a job. I’m worth it.”
“It’s not a job, Lily. It’s a calling. I’m really sorry, but you should go now.” She’d completely turned me off, the more she had talked.
She went over to the table and picked up her basket. She stomped angrily to the front door and stopped. “I don’t think I can just be your friend, Jace.”
I just nodded. I was sad about that, but I wasn’t going to sleep with her to prove I wanted to be her friend. We would both regret it; I knew I would for sure.