Jagger

 

 

 

“That was awful,” Tiffany said as she flopped back on the bed.

Only moments ago, we had come back from the club after collecting Henrik and Morgana. Tiffany and I took a detour to pick up David at Diego’s place. He was upset that he couldn’t spend the night with his friend like they planned, but Tiffany wanted to keep her son near.

Alex rented one of the upper floors of the Bluff Hotel on the Magnificent Mile for everyone. David even got his own room adjacent to Tiffany’s.

I’m standing in her room willing myself to leave. Alex got me my own room, but as I watched Tiffany squirm around on that bed, I hesitated. Her dark, lush hair against the crisp white bedspread inspired lurid thoughts and compelled my eyes to travel her body.

“I don’t think we were that bad,” I said as I watched her roll to her side, propping her head in hand.

“I mean finding out Alex’s mom escaped. How are Morgana and Henrik supposed to enjoy their day knowing a crazy woman is on the loose and gunning for their friends?”

I took a step closer. Tiffany hadn’t noticed, as she was lost in thought. I inched farther until I was sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Emma Hawthorne is probably long gone by now. When criminals, especially rich and powerful ones like Alex’s mom, escape from prison, they flee to another country. She’s probably in Europe or somewhere in Asia by now.”

Tiffany sat up and came to the edge of the bed next to me. She twisted and bit her bottom lip as I stared. “You’re probably right. I just worry, you know?”

A small chuckle escaped my lips. “Yeah, I know. You care, Tiffany. I hope they know how lucky they are to have someone like you to care for them.”

I would feel like the luckiest guy in the world if Tiffany saw me the way she saw her friends.

“Who? My friends?”

“Yes.” I nodded as I dared to reach out to her thigh, placing my hand on the bit of skin that poked out from her pink skirt above her knee. “I wish I had someone who was as concerned about me the way you are for them.”

“I care about you, Jagger.”

Her hair had fallen, covering the side of her face so I lifted my fingers to pull it back, rolling a few strands between my thumb and finger. It’s soft. She’s soft.

I let the strands fall, along with my eyes.

“But you regret—”

“I regret marrying you, yes. But you left before I could explain myself.”

When Tiffany turned her head, her eyes glittered with something that refused to let me go.

“I don’t know you, Jagger. I regret marrying a man I didn’t know. For risking my life, even my son’s future, by doing something so foolish. And even now as we sit here, I still don’t understand who you really are.”

She was right. I had spent much of my working life—first as a CIA agent and then as part of the ITA—keeping people away. Because if anyone got close, they would ask questions. And my job didn’t allow me to answer them.

“Maybe I was afraid you wouldn’t want to stick around when you found out who I really was.”

Maybe I let my job protect me from letting people into my life. My skin tightened in the best way as Tiffany’s fingers combed through my hair. Thoughts of wrapping myself around her and letting her warmth ease away reality filled my head. In the end, I settled for kicking off my shoes.

“Jagger, life is so much more beautiful and so much more terrible than most people can fathom. We can’t help what it throws at us, but we can choose to stop running. I think I ran for a long time by declining any extra help. I don’t know how many times my neighbor or Henrik, over the years, would ask to watch David so I could have some moments to myself. Almost every time I said no.” Tiffany wiped away a tear.

“I felt guilty. That it should have been me in that car and not my husband. Or, I should have insisted he wait to get a Christmas tree when I was feeling better so we could go as a family. Or the millions of other arresting thoughts I had in the last ten years. All excuses for what a terrible mother, a terrible person, I was. I didn’t deserve to be happy. I certainly don’t deserve to have a man like you want to be with someone like me.”

I grabbed her wrist and pushed the palm of her hand to my lips, I flicked my eyes to hers before brushing it with a kiss.

“You deserve so much, Tiffany. You are worthy of all that is good and sweet and body tingling and anything that can produce that beautiful smile.” I pointed to her lips as they began to curl.

Sighing, I reached under my shirt and pulled the ring out from underneath, removing it from my neck.

“He was a coward. My father.” I held up the ring but focused on Tiffany. “Honor always. Protect fully. Love forever. Was a lie he told my mother, me, his sister, and anyone he came in contact with. He used his position in the government to get what he wanted. If he desired a woman, he got her, whether she wanted him or not.”

Bile rose in my throat but I swallowed it back. “He told me once that when a woman sees a man with power, they will always want him. Even if they say no, they mean yes. Unfortunately, he didn’t like that my mother said no to him too many times.”

My eyes never wavered as I said, “My mother died when I was six. She had a blood clot from an untreated concussion when she fell down the stairs. Fell or pushed, it was all the same to my father.”

“Oh, Jagger. I’m so sorry.” She cupped my cheek and I slipped my hand over hers.

“He even convinced his sister to use tough love on her son, like he did on me. My cousin, Ben, was David’s age when he died of dehydration and malnutrition. My father insisted that Ben could do a lot of things, like walk and talk. That he was disrespectful and lazy. Ben had Cerebral Palsy.”

The lump in my throat grew, and it took a minute for me to continue. I turned my head, unable to watch her tears. I never told anyone this, not even Dr. Randy.

“He couldn’t walk or talk. He might have if my aunt had ignored my father and taken Ben to the right doctors and therapists. But she didn’t. They threw her in jail, and my father dismissed it. Told the police he tried to help Ben, which was a lie. Then it all finally came out—what happened to my mother, to Ben, because of my father . . . The fucking coward died of a heart attack just before the trial.”

I turned my body toward Tiffany, bringing my leg up on the bed. “That’s why I started to work as an agent for the government. My father was protected, being high up in the government. But someone like me could help take him down. These sick people—like my dad, like Emma Hawthorne—truly believe what they are doing is right. They don’t understand how many lives they’ve ruined to justify their view of the world.”

“That was your father. You can’t help who your father was,” Tiffany said as she rested her forehead against mine.

“I was ten, but I could have taken Ben away from that.”

“How? You were a child.”

I pushed off the bed and stood over Tiffany. “He was almost half my weight. When the police walked in, they thought he was seven years old. He was twelve. I could have lifted him out of that bed and ran away with him.”

My body began to shake. “I could have saved him.” I shut my eyes for they burned. Everything was hot and consuming. I wanted to rip the world apart and never put it back together again.

And that’s when Tiffany stopped me. She wrapped me in her arms and held on. No matter how much I trembled or what I said or how loud I yelled, she clung to me.

“I love you, Jagger. I want you to know that. Right here, in this spot, you are so loved. And your cousin Ben, he loves you too. Because you were the one person in his life that cared. Caring isn’t always wanted or pretty, but it’s forever needed.”

We stayed like that for several minutes. My body eased as I listened to her breathing. The tension slipped away as exhaustion took over. And regret, so much regret. I fell into it.

My knees buckled, and I wrapped my arms around her legs. She was blurry from my tears as I gazed up at her, but even then, she was beautiful.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I whispered over and over.

Because I was. I was sorry that I cowered for so long, never letting anything go. I hid from the world in plain sight.

“Don’t be sorry, Jagger.” She slid her fingers through my hair.

“Then, thank you. Thank you.” I got up and pulled her into my arms.

“No need to thank me, either. I meant everything I said.” She took my hand and guided me to the bed. “Here, let’s lie down. It’s been a rough night. I think we’ve done enough talking for one day.”

She pulled back the covers and we slid in next to each other. Tiffany put her back to me, curling into my body. This was all I needed. To feel her warmth, smell her sweet scent, and hear the soothing rhythm of her breath.

It didn’t take long for the both of us to drift off to sleep. For the first time in many years, I fell into a deep, restful slumber.