5
D E M O N S
Carve a path so I can run,
Run so far away from here.
I STIRRED FROM THE RAPPING on my door.
“Andy, dear, it’s unladylike to sleep the day away,” Mother’s muted voice crooned from the other side.
I groaned and grabbed a pillow, covering my face. Just a little while longer. This bed, even though it wasn’t mine, was so comfortable. I wanted to soak up the quiet. The distance between me and the problems I left behind in Nashville.
But Mother had other plans.
The door creaked open, allowing a little bit of light in. “Andy?”
I threw the pillow beside me and sat up, trying to smooth my hair as much as possible. “Yes, Mother?”
She moved to the foot of the bed and stood over me, hands on her hips. “What are you doing?”
“Well, I was sleeping. Now, I’m sitting here looking at you.”
She huffed. “Must you always be so facetious?”
I sighed and stood, moving past her to the luggage Dad had put by my door. “Sorry. I’m just tired.”
She stood there, watching me as I dragged the heavy bag toward the bathroom and dropped it. I didn’t remember it being so heavy earlier, but, then again, I wasn’t forced out of the comfort of sleep when I carried it.
“How are… how are things?” she asked a second later, still standing like a statue by the bed.
I shrugged, digging through what I’d packed, trying to find something comfortable, yet suitable to wear.
“I mean with Matt, dear,” she added, her voice dying off at the end.
My muscles seized up at the mention of him. Matt the asshole. Matt the ruiner of good things. Matt the—
“Andy?”
“Fine, I guess.” I settled on a pair of linen pants and a flowing rose-colored shirt.
She took a step closer, and then sat on the bed as if unsure if she should or not. “And how are things with your case?”
“He won. There’s nothing more to say about it.” I headed into the bathroom. I hated when she pried. She always told me how I should have handled it. Or that if I wouldn’t have slept with him out of wedlock in the first place, I wouldn’t be in my predicament.
But I wouldn’t have Charlie either, and I’d suffer through any hell just to keep him.
“Well, you know how I feel about it all,” she said, her eyes already condemning me the way they so often had.
I knew what that meant. I was about to get an earful.
“Working things out with Charlie’s father would have been for the best, not only in society eyes, but also in the eyes of the Lord. But…” she said with a long, drawn-out southern sigh, “since you were so hell-bent on going against our values, the least you could have done was let your father handle the case. His team could have run Matt through the—”
The dam inside me broke as I spun. “Mom, could you just not this time? I know I messed up. I know I’ve disappointed you. And I know I could have done more with my life. I don’t need to be reminded every single time I come here, okay?”
She stood, her hand to her chest as her cheeks blushed. “Really, Andy, I’m just trying to have a conversation with you.”
Fire stirred in my belly. “No, Mom, you’re trying to rub in the fact that, in your eyes, I failed. And maybe I did, but I’m doing my best, okay? Now, can I please get dressed before Dad and Charlie get back?”
She blinked, the slight wrinkles in her forehead deepening. A small part of me noticed the way she fidgeted with her fingers as she lowered her gaze. This was just as hard for her as it was for me. We never connected. Never viewed the world through the same lens.
I felt crappy for not sucking it up and putting on a nice face when I knew what she wanted. She wanted to remind me I should’ve handled things differently, and for me to be complacent in return.
But I just couldn’t find it in me to do it anymore.
I held my ground, waiting for her to leave. There was a small flash of regret in her eyes, but it was too quick to matter, because she turned and left without another word.
Exhaling, I dragged my hands down my face, and then headed back into the bathroom. She loved me in her own way, and I knew she wanted what was best for me… but I hated always being reminded that I hadn’t lived up to her expectations.
And Matt… how I could I tell her he made my life miserable? That he did what he could to exert control over my life?
I couldn’t.
After a quick shower amongst ornate tiling and golden faucets, I dressed and put a little makeup on, wanting to look somewhat presentable. It would be a small peace offering I could give my mother.
My phone buzzed on the bedside table as I reached for a pair of earrings. Everything went numb the moment I recognized the name on the screen.
Matt.
It was a text. Nothing he had to say would be good. It never was.
Where are you?
I flinched back as my heart thundered, blood pounding in my ears. Why the hell did he need to know? Who the hell was he to ask?
What do you need, Matt? I asked, trying not to be rude. He liked to keep our messages to use in court, so I couldn’t ever say what I truly wanted to.
The phone buzzed back. I asked you a simple question. Answer.
Daggers of anger sliced through my bloodstream. If you need something, let me know. Otherwise, I’ll talk to you later.
I waited, praying he left me alone.
Have you taken my son out of state without my permission?
Shit.
Matt, it’s my family’s annual event. We’re with my parents. We do this every year. You know that. If you would listen to me when I speak, then you’d remember me telling you about this trip two weeks ago. You nodded your head at me. I thought we were on solid ground.
I hit send and held my breath as I waited for his response. As the three little dots danced in a wave on the screen, telling me he was typing. I brought my thumb to my mouth, chewing on the nail. I’d told him three times about this trip. Not one time had he ever said a word about it not being okay.
Then again, he’d probably done it just for this purpose.
This had to be hell. Maybe we were already dead, and this was where the rotten ones were sent. Maybe I did something in my past life that put me here, because this couldn’t be how God intended things to be.
You know I could call the police, right? You have no right taking him anywhere I haven’t agreed to. In fact, I don’t approve, so tell me where he is so I can come get him.
My throat tightened as a swell of anger and disdain throbbed against my temples. I tried to type through my shaking hands, feeling like I was slowly sinking, unable to grasp onto anything solid.
Matt, it’s my two weeks with him. This won’t affect your time. He’s safe and fine in Senoia. You know that’s where my parents live. You’ve been here before. You know he’s safe. Please, just give me a break.
Seconds ticked by like dominoes as I waited for his reply, waiting to knock over what little control I had over my emotions.
A break? You want me to give you a break? That’s what I’m trying to do, Andrea. I’d be more than happy to take Charlie off your hands. My lawyer sent the papers for full custody yesterday, so you should be receiving them any day now. No more games. I’m taking what’s mine.
I tossed my phone onto the mattress, swallowing the scream that clawed at my throat. Heat welled behind my eyes as I fell back on the bed, hands curled into fists. Why had I tethered myself to a person like him? A person who wanted to suck the life out of me until there was nothing left? The only way to appease him was to bend to his will. To give in.
But I had nothing more to give.
Tear me apart and watch me molt into steel.
Maybe my mother was right. I should get over my own pride and ask for help. What choice did I have, other than going to my father? I couldn’t continue like this and stay sane. I couldn’t let him take Charlie.
Swallowing through the ache in my throat, I tucked the phone in my pocket and headed into the living room, eyes frantically searching for my dad before I had a chance to back out.
“Andy?” Mother asked when she noticed me. She stood in front of the china cabinet, picking out the dishes for dinner. “What’s wrong?”
I wiped my eyes, not realizing tears had slipped free.
“Nothing, Mom. Where’s Dad?”
My lungs felt mangled, breaths jagged.
She moved away from the china cabinet, confusion forming between her eyebrows. “He took Charlie fishing. He should be back soon. Are you sure it’s nothing? You look distressed, dear.” She paused, dropping her gaze on me. “You’re not about to have another one of your outbursts, are you?”
Her words felt like the hot sting of a slap across my face.
“Outbursts?” The word felt acrid on my tongue.
“You’re unraveling, dear. Look at you,” she said, pointing to me with an unpalatable expression.
Unbelievable. I looked over my shoulder, and then back at her, feeling trapped. Feeling like I suddenly couldn’t breathe. I needed… I needed fresh air.
I turned and headed for the back door.
The moment the sun hit my skin, I felt the pressure lifting from my chest, as if its rays seared away every ugly emotion. The sky was vast and endless, stretched out in front of me in streaks of blues and greens, like a painter’s thumb had smudged colors across a canvas.
I felt my name whispered on the breeze. A stirring hunger for a taste of nature in my bones. Answering the call, I ran through the backyard, which stretched for miles and miles into the woods and didn’t stop as my feet plunged through the thick carpet of grass. I didn’t know where I was going, I just didn’t want to be around anyone or anything.
I needed to think.
When my lungs were on fire and my legs were begging me stop, I found my old tree house slumbering on top of the hulking, gnarled branches of an oak. The same tree I ran away from five years ago. I stared up at it in wonder as sunlight glittered through the canopy of leaves, the clattering of branches a child’s lullaby.
It held so many memories within its bark. Too many secrets.
It used to seem so big. Towering, like a castle in the sky. And maybe that was because I’d been so small, but it didn’t seem as unconquerable as it once did, and it made me wonder when the exact moment the magic from childhood was lost. When did the blinders of innocence fall, leaving our souls empty? Was it when we fell in love and had our hearts broken for the first time? Or was it something small and inexplicable? Something that happened with every miraculous beat of our heart, like the hands on a clock, ticking away the past, barreling us into the future?
Sometimes, I wanted to be innocent again. I wanted to see the world in wonder rather than with exhaustion.
I wanted to… I wanted to climb that tree. It was the closest thing I had to reclaiming that bit of my old self.
Once I found good footing on the ragged planks of wood my dad had nailed into the tree as steps, I pulled. The muscles in my arm shook as they strained to lift me up. It was sobering, feeling every inch of my body exerting itself like it hadn’t done in so long, but I kept climbing until I reached the platform my dad built long ago, sweat beading along my hairline.
The wood had warped in places, the white paint chipped away, exposing the platform to the elements, but the magic remained. I felt tucked away and removed from reality as I stared out into the golden sunset, realizing how high up I was.
My stomach tightened. My heart beat was still trying to find a steady rhythm. I hated that I feared falling. I never used to fear it. But back then, I hadn’t known the cost of medical bills and the time off from work I’d have to take if I injured myself by trying to reclaim something intangible.
I thought about getting down, but there was a small voice inside that begged to let this moment continue. Maybe I didn’t see through the same eyes I once had, but I could remember the feeling. And that was better than nothing. Maybe taking a minute to remember what it was like to be young and free was something I needed to do more.
Because this felt good.
The shade of the tree. The sturdiness of the platform underneath me. The way the wind rustled the leaves like music. I lay back, rested my feet on the railing, and crossed them at the ankles.
Closing my eyes, I let everything go.
Echoes of laughter dance circles around my heart.
I sat up, eyes pinned to the hole in the trunk. Leaves, some dry, others mushy, hid the small container I kept buried inside. A small, black caterpillar with white and orange markings poked its head out of the hole, and I paused, realizing I had disturbed its slumber. I didn’t move as it inched out, moving along the length of a branch in tiny, pleating movements.
Something I’d read somewhere hit me. About how caterpillars must experience isolation before they were given their wings. That was my life. Isolated. Stuck in hibernation, waiting for the surprise of beauty and freedom.
Just like the tattoo on my back, I longed for the day I’d finally fly.
Once it was out of the way, I brushed the leaves off the container, my stomach doing small, giddy circles. I popped open the lid and plunged a hand into the papers.
This was who I was. Who I needed to get back to. I unfolded one that had tiny rainbow and butterfly stickers stuck to the front and smiled.
Mend my heart with rainbows,
Listen to me cry,
Wrap your arms around me,
Together, we will fly.
I remembered writing it. There was a boy in junior high I’d been crushing on who I’d thought felt the same, but when he asked one of my friends to the dance instead of me, I’d felt a shattering of confidence. I had been sure he liked me. I’d felt it in the smiles we shared.
But love was fickle at that age.
My phone vibrated in my pocket, and, just like that, the magic was gone. There was no doubt it was Matt. And I’d been silly to climb this tree, because I wasn’t sure how I was going to get down without breaking an ankle or scraping my skin.
Just suck it up and get down. You’ve experienced worse.
I put the paper back in the container and placed it in the hole, pushing the leaves over it. A small part of me wanted to take them back to my room to read, but I felt like they belonged with this tree. That person… that girl who had big dreams and an open heart… she’d forever keep this tree, line by line. Word by word.
I took my time climbing down and came away with only a few scrapes on my hands. Once my feet hit the ground, the dinner bell from the porch chimed, the sound far off. Charlie and my dad must have returned.
I turned back to the tree, crestfallen. Maybe I’d never feel the sort of magic I’d felt when I was younger. Maybe that had been it for me. I just wished I’d savored it more. Appreciated it.
I just wished… wished I could still find it.
MUFFLED VOICES CAME FROM THE kitchen, but I passed by, knowing what I had to do.
For the past ten years, I’d been living in a fog. Going through the motions to try to keep some form of control over my world. Matt wasn’t going to give up. Of that, I was certain. He didn’t like losing, and he didn’t like me because even though I took a lot of his crap, I still didn’t give him what he truly wanted—full and complete control.
“Dad?” I asked as I knocked on the open door to his office.
His face lit up the moment he registered me. He was on the phone, but he ushered me in with a wave and pointed to the leather chair in front of his desk.
I sat, looking around the office as he finished up his phone call. It was just as I remembered it. The many fish he’d caught, stuffed and hung on plaques. The deep cherry-wood paneling and bookshelves filled with heavy books. The antique furniture that always made me feel like I was in a museum rather than a room in our house.
“What can I do for my favorite daughter?” Dad said a moment later as he sat his phone on his desk.
“I’m your only daughter,” I pointed out, smiling.
He chuckled. “Doesn’t mean you aren’t my favorite.”
My face turned serious the moment Matt popped into my head, and I could tell by the look in his aged eyes that he knew why I was there.
“I… I need your help,” I admitted, looking at the tips of my fingers. Choosing a different lawyer over him had hurt him, but I’d been too young and stubborn to take his help.
He leaned forward. “What happened?”
“Matt’s going to try to take Charlie from me.” The words barely made it over the rock in my throat. “At first, I thought it was just a threat to try to scare me, but after we got here, he sent me these messages.”
I pulled up the messages on my phone and handed it to him. He glanced over the top of his glasses, eyes skimming the onslaught of unforgiving words. Every second that passed, his face changed, eyebrows pulling together as darkness eclipsed his features.
“I’m scared.” I looked up through the blur of tears in my eyes. “I’m scared because he’s won every case against me, and I just don’t know if my lawyer can pull it off this time.”
He moved around the desk and took the chair next to me, pulling me into a warm hug. The same hug that always made me feel like I had a great big shield protecting me from the rest of the world.
“Whatever you need, Andy, I can make it happen. You just have to say the words, and I’ll make your case a priority. He won’t win. I can guarantee that. I’m sure my PI could uncover things his lawyer has kept buried, because a man like Matt doesn’t walk straight lines.” His posture grew stiff, voice deepening to his legal tone. “And, quite frankly, I’m not sure how a deadbeat can just waltz in and win the way he has. Your lawyer should be barred for incompetence to lose a case as easy as yours.”
I winced at his words, because he was right. And I was just as much a moron for trying to fight on my own, without my father’s help, knowing there was a chance I’d lose. I’d just wanted to do it on my own. I’d wanted to prove I was strong enough on my own two feet. That their disapproval of my choices didn’t keep me from becoming responsible and able.
And by being arrogant and prideful, I’d only dug my hole deeper.
“What do I need to do?” I asked through my shameful tears.
“I’ll have my people call your lawyer and transfer what they have on the case over to us while I get my PI, Terry, to open an investigation on him. I want to know everything. Where he sleeps. What he eats. Who he sees. His past… From there, we will meet and discuss it after I’ve had a chance to go over everything, and then we’ll make a game plan.”
I looked up at him, uncomfortable in my own stubbornness. “I’m sorry, Dad.”
His hand fell warm and comfortable on my shoulder as he gave it a gentle squeeze. “There’s absolutely nothing to be sorry for, Andy. Everything happens exactly as it’s supposed to. Of that I am sure. You’re here now, and I’m going to do everything I can to ensure Charlie’s safe and happy. I promise you.”
In his eyes, in his promise, I believed him one-hundred percent.
“Now, go freshen up before dinner. It’s our first sit-down together in five years. You know how sentimental she gets.”
“About as sentimental as a goldfish,” I said under my breath as I stood.
He looked at me for a moment, choosing to ignore my remark.
“See you at dinner,” I added, and then headed to my room.