Ryan

 

 

 

My doll is sitting next to me on the sofa. She is wrapped in one of my cashmere sweaters that‘s way too big for her slim frame, and she has her long legs curled up underneath her. She blows softly on the steaming cup of cocoa she’s holding in her hands, her eyes fixated on the crackling fire burning in the fireplace. It's been a while since I've used that fireplace, or actually even sat in front of it. And I've certainly never experienced this scene with one of my previous girls.

But Laura is more than just one of the girls. She is different on so many levels that I'm truly beginning to fear the impact she holds over me.

Or maybe I'm loving it.

I regard her in cautious anticipation, unsure what's going to happen next. We haven't spoken much since coming down to the living room, and I couldn't think of anything to do other than to offer her a hot drink, so she could warm up while we talked.

Talking has never been my strong suit, not when it comes to these types of things anyway, personal things.

"Why did you come back for me?" she asks out of the blue. Her eyes remain focused straight ahead of her on the fireplace.

I'm startled by her question. Shouldn't the answer be obvious?

"Because I wanted to see you again. I needed to have you again."

"Have me," she repeats, her voice low and contemplative. She throws me a quick glance from the side. "When we first met, you said you don't date and you never see a girl again after spending one night with her."

She pauses.

"Because that's how it has to be," she adds, mimicking my words in a deep-sounding voice.

"That's how I've been doing things for years, yes," I say. "And it has worked pretty well for me."

"Why, though?" she presses. "Why did it have to be like this? And why did you come back for me?"

I shrug, sinking lower into the cushions of the couch next to her, as she continues to watch me.

"I had to come up with a way of protecting myself... and protecting others," I explain. "But you crushed that system."

Her face is unreadable, but her eyes remain centered on me, waiting for me to continue speaking.

I take in a deep breath, bracing myself to finally say the words that I've been afraid to say to her – or to anyone, for that matter – for so long.

"I'm an addict. A sex addict. I can't fuck or love like a normal person. I get obsessed with the one I’m with, and I’m consumed by cravings I can't control."

I pause, waiting for a reaction that doesn't come. Laura looks at me, calmly sipping her cocoa. She contemplates me over the steam rising from her mug, waiting for me to say more.

"Something like this has happened before," I continue. "Years ago. I was wild as a young man, fucking my way through life with a new girl almost every night. Always chasing a new skirt. It consumed me, it was my identity, and it took control over everything I was, and for a while it was my only ambition in life. Control, possession, conquering and fucking a new girl as often as I could.“ He pauses and hesitantly meets my gaze. "And then I met her. Her name was Sandria."

Laura inhales audibly. It's the first time she’s reacted since I started speaking. She looks hurt, her face contorting as if someone had poked her with a dagger. Is she disgusted by me? Or is she in pain?

Our eyes meet, and she waves me off.

"Go on," she says. "I need to hear this."

"I don't want to hurt you, doll."

She frowns, shaking her head.

"It's just jealousy, master," she says. "I'll survive."

She says it in such a matter-of-fact tone, it’s almost as if she's just stubbed her toe. Oh, it's just a little pain, nothing serious.

"I thought I was in love," I say, continuing on with my shameful tale. „She made me forget about every other girl. I no longer felt the need to go out to hunt for the next one after I met her. All my cravings were focused on her now, and I couldn't get enough. Sadly, she also made me forget about everything else, too. My life, my schoolwork, my future."

I pause for a second, noticing that Laura is tilting her head and casting me a questioning look.

"I was still in college back then, just about to graduate," I explain. "I almost fucked that up because of Sandria."

"What happened?"

"Pretty much this," I say, gesturing toward her. "I fell into a rage every time she left me. I hated the idea of her being with other people and not with me. I wanted to own her, completely, all of her. She needed to be with me at all times – so I could fuck the living hell out of her and possess her entirely."

I pause, averting my eyes from hers.

"That's the kind of man I am. I kidnapped her, and then I locked her up, just like I did with you. She wanted to leave, but I didn't let her. I made her mine, my captive, and I tried to control who she was. She said she loved me and wanted to be with me, but once I stole her freedom away from her, she began hating me."

Laura shifts in her seat, visibly uncomfortable at hearing my story. But I can't stop now. She asked to hear it, she wanted me to be honest with her. So I am.

"Everything fell apart around me. People were searching for Sandria, I was missing exams at school, the college was close to expelling me, but I didn't waste a thought on it. All I could think about was her, fucking her, owning her. My cravings were insatiable. No matter what I did, I always wanted more. My brain was incapable of functioning. I have no idea what would have happened if they hadn't found her."

"They?" Laura asks.

"The police," I say. "They stormed my home because the neighbors heard a woman screaming. It's as simple as that. Back then, I wasn't the man I am today. I didn't have all of this. I just lived in a studio apartment, barely getting by while finishing school and building my startup – both of which I almost screwed up because of my addiction."

„But you didn‘t,“ Laura says softly, touching my arm. "You recovered."

"I just managed to catch myself," I interject. "They forced me into therapy, but I doubt that helped as much as everybody wants to believe. What really helped was my plan, the rules I set for myself. I had a lot of energy, a lot of ideas, and I put all of that into Onyx. Growing this empire gave me a different kind of satisfaction and it silenced the greedy monster inside of me, for a while at least. By the time I was seeing real success and living comfortably, I felt strong enough to feed my cravings again, but only in small doses."

I snort, feeling like an idiot now that I look back on all of it.

"I mean, I learned something about myself back then," I say. "I know what I'm like, and I know that I can't get attached to a woman ever again because I can't handle the obsession that comes with it. That's why I came up with this system, spending one intense night with a girl once a year, a different one each year. I tried to keep it safe and structured by buying escorts, girls that were pre-selected for me by an agency. This way, the rules would be clearly laid out upfront for everyone involved. The high price was just another way for me to keep my distance while still feeding my cravings."

Laura swallows hard, and I can tell that she's fighting to hold back tears. I hate seeing her like this. I hate that I'm responsible for her pain.

But I don't regret telling her all of this. I feel relieved and confident that it was the right thing to do. No matter what comes of it, I’ve shared my biggest secret, a part of myself that even my closest friend and personal assistant Lemon only knows very little about.

"I had a lot of precautions in place to make sure that what happened with Sandria wouldn't happen again," I say. "But I broke my own rules, starting with the fact that I asked you to be mine."

"Because I'm not a whore," she says in a low voice.

"Yes."

"And because you asked to see me again," she adds.

"Yes," I agree. "And other rules. You made me cast all of them aside. I wanted you more than protecting my sanity. And I underestimated you."

She smiles without looking at me. It's a somber smile, but a smile nonetheless. She feels flattered.

"Well, this is not exactly what happened with Sandria back then, though," she says, surprising me. "First, you never kidnapped me. I came here of my own free will."

I chuckle. "Well, yes, but-"

"And second, I don't hate you," she adds, interrupting me.

I look at her and am met with a smile that I didn't expect. She looks strangely light-hearted considering what I just told her.

Is she mocking me?

"When I told you that you should be scared of me, I meant it, doll," I say. "I'm a psycho, an addict, a lunatic who lost control and-"

"You're focusing on all the wrong things, master," she cuts me off again. "What happened back then is scary, terrible, and yes, I admit, it was hard listening to it. But things are different now. You are different."

She pauses, her hands tensing around the mug she’s still holding in her lap.

"You're a different man than you used to be," she adds. "And I'm a different woman than that Sandria girl."

She's nervous, a slight trembling taking hold of her as she braces herself to continue.

"You're my master, and I'm your doll," she finally whispers, now locking her green eyes on mine with determined clarity.

"And I think I can help you."