Chapter Fourteen
A soft knock at his door had Alastar waking from his rather useless and fitful sleep. It had only been a few hours since Aislin walked out but it felt like a torturous eternity. He had said horrible things to her. He was heartbroken and angry, but insulting the mother of his child had been inexcusable. She deserved better, especially with the pain he had caused her.
In his current condition, all he could do was stare at nothing or try to sleep to pass the time. Maggie had stopped by soon after Aislin left and asked where she was. In his anger, he had seen fit to tell Maggie the raw details of his wife’s abandonment.
In retrospect, it had been even more unfair to Aislin than his previous insults to her. Aye, she had left. That was the truth. However, she had been willing to stay to care for him and he had chased her away. Still, when he told Maggie of his circumstances, he feared he made Aislin look more like the villain rather than the victim. His conscious sat even heavier than before. Maggie was her companion and Aislin did not deserve to have people believing her heartless.
The knocking at his door sent his heart aflutter. Perhaps Aislin had come back to him. He couldn’t fool himself into believing she would simply forgive him and decide to stay with him forever. He would have to work on proving his love for her once he could get out of this cursed bed, but mayhap she had decided to stay with him while he recovered.
He wanted to shout for the person to come in, but it hurt too much to speak loudly. Fortunately, the door slowly began to creak open. When blonde hair and blue eyes came through the door instead of red hair and green eyes, his heart plummeted again. “Elwynna?” he said softly from the bed. “Is that you?”
With a timid smile, she stepped inside and quietly shut the door behind her. Her hands were clutched in front of her nervously as she came closer. “Aye. Tis me. How do you fair?”
He wanted to tell her that he faired terribly and that most of his pain was concentrated in his heart, not his chest, but he decided against it. “I am as well as to be expected. Maggie says I am healing well with nay signs of infection, but I must lie abed at least another sennight.”
She nodded and signaled to the stool beside him, waiting for permission before she sat. He nodded, and she gracefully took a seat, even though she held her injured hip. “How is your wound?” he asked.
Waving his question away, she smiled. “Och, I am fine. Maggie has been most helpful and Àdhamh has done well to tolerate my constant presence,” she blushed slightly.
“They are good people. You are in fine hands.”
“Aye, I truly am. Especially since I expressed my wish to stay, and they never once hesitated to allow me to live with them until I can settle myself elsewhere. Alastar…” her voice grew low and serious. “I feel terrible. I hope you do not mind, but Maggie told me of Aislin leaving. ‘Tis all my fault. Your injury… your wife… I should never have sought you out.”
He grimaced at the tear leaking down her cheek. “None of this is your doing. You only meant to warn me of the attack and protect our people. You became a victim yourself,” he motioned to her still tender side and cocked a brow.
“Aye, but I did hope for more for us. I had hoped you and I could rekindle our relationship. I have never loved another and, I must admit, I was surprised to hear you are married. I never thought I would see the day.” There was a clear pain in her voice and in her eyes. He never wished to hurt her with his unreciprocated love, but there was naught he could do.
“Aye. It was a surprise to me, as well,” he chuckled. “I came over to Ráth Mór from Alba and when I first laid eyes on her… it was over for me. I knew she was it.” He felt bad saying such things to Elwynna, knowing they must hurt to hear, but he spoke the truth and hiding his love for Aislin was not possible.
“And I destroyed your marriage by showing up here,” she whispered, wringing her hands in her lap. Her long blonde hair was plaited neatly and draped over her right shoulder. It shone in the hearth fire like spun gold. She was a beautiful lass. What a shame she had held on for so long to a dream that could never be.
“Nay. ‘Tis not true. I ruined it. When I saw you after all these years, and you were injured, I lost my mind. It was like finding a long-lost sister and mayhap losing her the next moment. I was desperate to get you to safety. I showed you great care and tenderness. We both know how deep our past is entwined, and how close our friendship has always been. But to my wife who stumbled upon us, it looked like so much more. She heard you confess your… feelings for me,” he swallowed hard, remembering the moment clearly. “I told you I loved you, but not in that way. I told you I was in love with my wife.”
“Aye, you did. I knew then it was not meant to be between us and I accepted that, as painful as it was.”
“But she did not hear the entire words spoken. All she heard was me saying I loved you as well.”
“But… you must tell her all of it, Alastar! She will understand!”
He shook his head and grunted. “I have told her, Elwynna. But… ‘tis hard to explain. She never wished to marry. She is a wee spirited lass. We married for convenience, not for love… at least that is why she married me. I loved her long before that. Her family wished her to marry and many lads pursued her to the point of driving her mad,” he laughed.
Elwynna nodded. “She is a beauty. I can understand why. I know my cousin was in love with her.”
At the mention of Daniel, Alastar’s blood ran cold. “Aye. That bastard had been a thorn in her side, following her, threatening her, and telling lies about my loyalty to her. It did not help this situation at all. He fed her poisonous words and, though she never believed them in the moment, seeing me holding you in my arms only made those words a reality to her. Our marriage of convenience was one she meant to leave after a year and a day. But, by the grace of the gods, she fell in love with me. I did not deserve her and yet, she blessed me with her love… and a child. Now she is gone. She believes it all a mistake to have trusted me, and I cannot blame her for what she feels. And all I can do is lay here like an injured fool and miss my wife.”
“I will tell her the truth,” Elwynna persisted. “I can make her see that you do not love me.”
He snorted at her innocence. “Och, you do not know my Aislin. She is stubborn and prideful. Naught you could say could change that. She needs to see my love, not hear of it. And I ruined it by putting the image of betrayal in her mind. Until I am healed, there is naught I can do to fix this, but when I am well again, I am going to pursue my wife like a hawk pursues his prey.”
“Good. I hope you do, and I will aid you in doing so. I only want for your happiness. In fact, I have come here to help you heal. If your wife is not here, you should not be alone. I will stay to make sure you are well.”
He shook his head fervently. “Nay. Nay, nay, nay. That will not do. I appreciate your concern, but if Aislin knew you were here, things would go very badly for me.”
“You cannot be alone here, and Maggie has other ill or injured men to tend to. I promised her I would be of use to her while I am living there. I must do something with myself or I will go mad.”
“Elwynna. You have a kind heart, always have, but this is a terrible idea. If you wish to help my situation with Aislin, the best you can do is stay away from here.”
Her brow dropped, and a sadness fell over her soft features. “Och, I do not mean that to sound cruel, but ‘tis the truth. Getting her to forgive and trust me will be long, hard work. I cannot fix that with you here.” He took her hands in his and squeezed. “I do hope you understand.”
She nodded. “Aye, I do. At least allow me to come by occasionally to make sure you are well, and change your bandage if Maggie is busy. I shall not tarry overlong. I’ll come simply see to your needs, and feed you. It’s the least I could do for all the trouble I have caused.”
He wanted to argue the point, but he understood that she had pride just as he did and her guilty conscious, though unwarranted, required her to do this. “All right, Elwynna. If it will make you feel better. But again, none of this is your doing. ‘Tis my fault for being a bastard to women all these years. Now my own wife cannot believe me capable of love and I suppose this is penance for my past.”
“That is nonsense, but I will leave it at that. My thanks for allowing me to be of some use to you.” She looked down at his wrapped wound. “Maggie did not yet change it for the day?” He shook his head and looked down. It had some dried blood on it, but otherwise looked better every day. “You need a clean dressing. I will tend to that and fetch you a meal. Then I will leave you be,” she said with a smile.
He nodded his agreement and pointed to the basket of clean linens and ointment Maggie had left at the foot of his bed. She stood up to retrieve the basket, then sat tenderly on the edge of the bed, gently unwrapping his soiled dressing. He winced as the dried blood pulled at the scabbed over wound, but knew it was an expected part of the process, even with ointment over it.
Elwynna winced at his pain and mumbled an apology as the last of the bandage came off, exposing what was certain to be a nasty scar. “I cannot believe my cousin would do such a thing to you after all we have lived through together,” she whispered as her face drew closer to his wound to inspect it.
“You would not find it hard to believe if you saw his lust for my wife. The man despised me.”
“Your wife shot him clean through the heart with her bow. I saw it all happen. She is quite a woman. I envy her.”
“You are quite a woman yourself, Elwynna. Never sell yourself short. You are kind, beautiful, loving, and loyal. You will make a fine wife someday,” he murmured as her fingers gently ran over his wound while she applied fresh ointment. Her head was bent low to his chest and he could feel her heavy breathing on his lower abdomen as she concentrated on the task.
“I am certain she will,” a familiar voice said coldly from the entrance of his home. Looking up quickly, he saw his wife, red with fury and fists balled at her sides. “I apologize for interrupting. In my foolishness, I thought to offer an apology for leaving you alone. I should have known that Alastar Mac Murray is never at a lack of lassies waiting to tend to him.”
The venom in her voice could not mask the obvious pain in her eyes. He grumbled and ran a hand through his hair. Why did he continue to get caught in the worst situations with Elwynna? And why was he always saying something to the lass that could so easily be misconstrued? He wanted to scream in frustration.
Elwynna hopped up off the bed and frowned. “Tis not how it looks, Aislin.”
Aislin rolled her eyes and walked toward her bed where her bow was resting against the wall next to her quiver full of arrows. “It never is what it looks like, according to my husband. Next I suppose I will find you sharing his bed and still, he will tell me ‘tis not what it looks like’,” she scoffed.
Aislin grabbed her bow swiftly and made for the door. “Lin… nay. Wait. She tells the truth!” Alastar once again felt desperate to convince his wife to stay and listen. He had been fortunate enough that she had indeed listened the first time, though he had not been convincing enough for her. He knew already that nothing he could do would make her stop and listen a second time. And yet, he had to try. “Please… Lin… she is only changing my dressing.”
“While you tell her how beautiful she is, and what a great wife she shall make,” she spat, shooting fire at him with her eyes. “You are the biggest arse I have ever known. And, I have known many. For a man who did not wish for a wife, you are quick to line up a new one now that I am gone.”
“Truly, that is not what he meant,” Elwynna attempted to defend him, but Aislin’s hard gaze turned on Elwynna, causing her to recoil and step away.
“It appears my guilt was misplaced. It also appears I was twice the fool to believe my husband was an honest man. I can see I am not needed here. I will send my father and brother to retrieve my chest of possessions. Fortunately for you, my child needs a father, or I am certain they would gut you.”
She was not wrong. He was quite certain King Garreth of Coraindt would not hesitate to cut him from throat to bollocks. But he was not concerned about his wife’s father or angry brother. His entire life was slipping away from him with every breath he took. Was this some twisted test from the gods? Sending him a woman he could love and cherish his entire life, and then putting him repeatedly into foolish situations to drive her away?
“Curse it, Aislin! Let me tell you the truth!”
“I know the truth. You love us both. I can see that.” Her voice was weak and filled with resignation. “You cannot help that you love us both. I know that, and I can see clearly that ‘tis best for me to step aside and give you the chance to work through whatever it is you two still have. You share a common history, one I can never be a part of. I cannot compete with that and I shall never try. Love is for fools and, though I have been made one by you, I shall never live as one.”
With those final words cutting deep into whatever tattered pieces remained of his heart, he watched, once again, as his wife left his home and took all that mattered with her.
“Oh, Al… I am so sorry,” Elwynna wailed as Aislin shut the door behind her. “I should have left!”
“I should have made you leave… but ‘tis done.”
Elwynna frowned and nodded, contrition consuming her features. Curse it all. He was a disease, spreading pain and hurt to all the women around him. Of all the women he had been with in his life, these were the only two he had ever cared about and Aislin was the one he ever truly had been in love with. He was clearly inept at knowing how to be a husband. He supposed a good husband would not say the things he continued to say to Elwynna, but they both knew he meant them in kindness only. The truth, however, did not matter if his wife believed otherwise. He needed to shut his mouth and stay away from Elwynna.
Before he could explain to Elwynna that she needed to stay away from him completely, she nodded her head and quickly wrapped his wound before stepping away. “I shall leave. You will not see me anywhere near you again. I swear it.”
Swallowing hard, he bit his lower lip. That wasn’t what he wanted. He cared for Elwynna and enjoyed her company, but he knew it was necessary. Clearly, she knew it as well.
“My thanks,” is all he said in response. She walked away and shut the door, leaving him completely alone with his brooding thoughts.
Time past torturously slow as he thought of his wife and the pain in her eyes. He had done that to her. He was undeserving. If he were a better man, he would resolve to let her move on. But, apparently, he was not a better man, for all he could think about was getting out of this cursed bed and forcing his wife to listen. Aye… he would force her, if necessary. The lass was too stubborn, he knew that. He would have to hold her down, kicking and screaming, if he was going to make her hear him, and he would do just that… as soon as he was healed. There was no way he would let her go.
Little time passed before his door opened loudly, banging on the wall with a crack. “What is the matter with you, man? What have you done to my sister now?” Eoin growled as he came in, Jeoffrey following behind. Fortunately, Aislin’s father was not with them, and he breathed a sigh of relief for small blessings.
Eoin snorted. “I see the relief on your face. You should be very glad Aislin sent only me to gather her things. She is wise enough to keep this new affront away from our father’s ears, which is proof that she does still value your life.”
Alastar grunted and closed his eyes.
“You are a fool.” Jeoffrey usually got to the heart of the matter using as few words as possible.
“Clearly,” Alastar murmured. “I am also cursed, for it seems every time Elwynna innocently comes near me, my wife walks in and hears everything out of context. I did nothing, Eoin. I love your sister very much, and all I have done is tell Elwynna this.”
“And yet you continue to flatter Elwynna with bonny words, and allow her intimate access to you.”
“She was changing my bandage, mate! Have you not heard? I am a useless invalid who has chased the only woman I have ever loved away because I am a loose-tongued fool.”
Jeoffrey shrugged and stepped in closer, standing beside the bed. “You will not hear any argument from me on that score.”
“My sister is a mess. You better fix this,” Eoin warned.
“So, you believe me when I say that I do not love Elwynna?” Hope soared in his chest. If her own family could still know the truth and would back him up on trying to win her over, all was not lost.
“You are a besotted fool and I have known this since we arrived from Alba. Do not forget the many moons I had to watch you watching her… listen to your disgusting praise for her arse as if I was not standing right beside you,” Eoin said with a dramatic shiver up his spine. “I do not think any man would so boldly pursue another man’s sister in front of him without the best of intentions. I know you have more honor than that.”
Eoin’s words hit Alastar right in the heart. It meant more than he could verbalize that his brother by marriage believed in his true intentions. “My thanks, Eoin. I have every intention of winning her back.”
“’Twill not be easy, especially with Elwynna staying on at Ráth Mór. You will need to thoroughly convince her, and she is a stubborn lass,” Jeoffrey warned. “Worse than my Clarice.”
“Who are you telling? But I got her to marry me, did I not? I got her to carry my child, did I not? I will get her back.”
“You better, because I have never seen her more miserable. I support you. My parents only want for her happiness and they do not know of your last blunder. Pray it stays that way.”
He would pray. He would pray to every god in Alba and Ériu, and even the gods of Albion and of the other Norsemen he had heard so much about. He needed to get well and then get his wife back.
“Before I can get her back, I must heal. Mayhap you can send me a young warrior to stay with me. Maggie will still tend to my wound. I just need help pissing.”
Eoin laughed. “Och, I think that is a perfect task for a young warrior. Mayhap he can wipe your arse, as well.”
“I will wipe my own arse. I need food. I need conversation. A game of Fidchell, occasionally. As soon as I am up and about, I will start my aggressive courtship of my own wife.”
Jeoffrey laughed. “You are a sorry sot, you know this?”
“More than you know,” Alastar groaned.
***
“Amos has been asking about you,” Leannan said as she nudged Aislin in the shoulder while they walked slowly through the market in their village. The mouth-watering scent of fresh bread wafted to her nose and she stopped in front of the baker’s cart.
“I will take three rolls of bread in exchange for a small hare I caught yesterday.” The baker nodded in agreement and handed over three loaves of bread to Aislin, who immediately tore a large chunk of the sweet, crunchy bread into her mouth before looking back at her cousin and queen. “I care not for Amos,” she said through the large haunch of bread in her mouth.
Leannan laughed and swatted her arm. “’Tis a wonder so many lads lust after you, Lin. You are disgusting.”
“Did you not know? Men like disgusting lassies. I swear it. The larger my belly swells, the more hills I climb, the more animals I hunt, and the more food I stuff in my face, the more the lads swoon. They like a dirty lass,” she shrugged. “And I do not care if you think I have nay manners. My babe is constantly hungry.”
Leannan rubbed her own swollen belly, much larger than Aislin’s, and put her hand out. “Give me some of that,” she laughed and ripped off a large bite with her teeth.
Aislin nudged her and nodded in approval. “See that? Tuathal would do aught for you if he saw you behave like an animal.”
Leannan blushed and laughed as she chewed. “Mayhap so,” she conceded. “I heard from my brother that Alastar is out of bed now. His wound is healing well.”
Over a sennight ago, Aislin’s younger cousin Duncan had been sent to take over the care of Alastar. She supposed that meant Elwynna had given up her post as caretaker… not that Aislin had asked or showed any interest.
Her heart ached worse than ever, but she had a lifetime’s worth of experience hiding her emotions. The more she distanced herself from all things to do with her former-husband, the better. She had made it quite clear by moving out and having her brother gather her belongings that her handfast with Alastar was over. That had opened her up to the old problem of lads trying to gain her interest. She had truly believed that with a babe in her womb, the men would be deterred. That was not the case, especially with Amos Mac Erwing, who had made his interest in her quite clear.
He was a very handsome man, she would give him that. He was a strong warrior with a ready grin, and dark hair with eyes to match. His strong jaw likened him to the gods she often saw images of and yet, she was still very much in love with her bastard of a husband. She couldn’t help but admire Amos’s form and, now that she knew the delights of the body and missed them dearly… especially with the sensitivity of her body while carrying a child… she had considered a night or two in his bed, if only to slake her lust. But that would not be wise. It had been so much easier avoiding lads and marriage before she knew what if felt like to lie with one.
She ached terribly for the touch of a man, and though she wanted only Alastar in her bed, that was never going to happen again. She would simply have to take care of her own needs.
“I am pleased to hear Alastar is doing well,” Aislin added as she chewed another bite.
“Are you? Truly?”
Aislin furrowed her brow and stopped in mid-step, hand on hip. “Of course, I am, Leannan. He is the father of my child. I need him hale.”
“That is the only reason?” her cousin cocked a perfect blonde brow in question.
With a huff, Aislin continued walking. “What does it matter? We are through. Nay doubt, now that he is mostly healed, he will begin his pursuit of Elwynna.”
“In that case, you should pursue Amos,” Leannan waggled her brows. “The way he looks at you is enough to set your skirts on fire.”
Aye, it was. And with the needs she had been suppressing for a fortnight, she was likely to lose her skirts altogether when he looked at her that way. She loved Alastar with her whole heart, but the man had been caught twice overly close to another lass while saying things no husband should say to anyone but his wife. She had no heart to give to another man, but she had a body ripe for the picking and if Amos was willing to bed a lass with a rounding belly, who was she to say nay to him?
She shook her head. What a ridiculous thought. Had she not only just a moment ago convinced herself that being with another man was a bad idea? She had only been with one and she had given everything to him. Was she even capable of being with a man purely for lust? She was not sure, but the throbbing down below needed to be relieved. She would take care of that later. It was muddling her thoughts.
“I cannot pursue Amos, Leannan. He needs a lass who is willing to give him much more than I can.”
Leannan scoffed. “Amos likes you, Lin but he is young, handsome, and enjoying his freedom. His eyes have been set on you, but do not fool yourself. The man is not interested in marrying you.”
“So, he is only interested in getting between my legs. That is what you are saying?”
Leannan blushed wildly and held a finger to her lips to shush her cousin. “Och, Aislin. You have a loud and bold tongue. I did not say that. How can I truly know what he wants? I am only saying that it would not hurt to explore it… oh… oh! Here he comes,” Leannan whispered and nudged Aislin in the side, causing her to wince.
“Good afternoon, My Queen,” Amos said in a low deep voice, giving Leannan a respectful bow. “Good afternoon, Aislin,” he said smoothly, giving her the once-over and clearly taking in the overlarge cleavage that had been slowly spilling over the top of her tunic dresses.
“Hello, Amos,” Leannan said. “Does not my bonny cousin rather glow this day?”
Aislin flared her nostrils and glared at Leannan. Her cousin was a meddler of the highest order.
“Aye, I cannot help but agree, My Queen.” Again, his gaze swept over her, and she could not help the tingle of interest in her nether region. It had been far too long since a man looked at her like that. She knew first hand that a man such as he would be more than capable of fulfilling every silent promise his eyes made.
She remained mute and pretended to be disinterested. Casual encounters with this man could only be trouble. Why was Leannan being so bold suddenly? It was not like her at all.
“Right. Well, my husband will be awaiting me. I must finish here at the market and head home.” Leannan leaned in and gave Aislin a hug, whispering in her ear. “You need this, Lin. Let it happen.”
She took off in the other direction, leaving Aislin alone with Amos. Curse her cousin. Queen or not, she would pay for her deception later. “’Tis nice to see you, Amos. I was just going to take this bread back to my home and then head into the forest to check my traps for the day.”
He nodded and smiled. “Mayhap I can escort you?”
“To my home?” she asked. “I really do not require an escort, Amos.”
He shrugged his large shoulders and she saw his muscles pull tight against his blue tunic. “I know you do not require one. In truth, ‘tis more for my benefit, than yours. I enjoy your company.”
“Do you? I do not remember us ever being in one another’s company,” she added suspiciously.
He laughed, and the sound was slow and rich. “You have me there. Perhaps I believe I would enjoy being in your company. I will never know if you do not allow it.”
She shrugged. What harm could there be in walking with him a short distance? She could use the company. The past fortnight had been a constant misery for her, and she had to admit it would be nice to not feel alone, even if just for a moment. “Very well. So, Amos, where were you from, before Ráth Mór was built?” she asked, trying to find a neutral topic to focus on.
“I was from a very small tuath called Erdini. Have you ever heard of it?”
She nodded and smiled. “Aye, I have heard of it. I believe my father had visited there once or twice. My family is familiar with their king, Ewan. He aided them in the battle against Elim.”
“Aye, ‘tis our king. He is a good man. I believe his wife came from Darini, where your Uncle Brocc was king, before relocating here?”
She laughed at that. “Aye. Her name is Mealla. She is something of a legend in our family. She tried very hard to keep my uncle for herself, but his love for my Auntie Una was much too strong.”
“Och, aye. I have heard the tale. I feel bad for the lass. There is nay greater pain than unrequited love, is there?”
Aislin gave Amos the side eye. Was he speaking of her? Or himself? He chuckled at her glance. “You and I have something in common,” he said wryly. “We both are in love with people we cannot be with, aye?”
“You are in love with a lass here in Ráth Mór?” she asked, finding his honesty highly refreshing.
“Nay. ‘Twas back in Erdini. A lifetime ago, it seems. She…” he stopped and looked at her with sad eyes. “She was killed during a battle. We were to wed. ‘Tis why after the war, I came here for a fresh start. Though once you truly love a person, I find ‘tis much too hard to move on.”
“I see.” Aislin chewed her bottom lip. Why was he telling her all of this? She believed he was interested in her, and though she had no interested in a relationship with a man, his sudden change of mood had her off kilter.
“Do you? I am not certain you do,” he added mysteriously.
“Mayhap I do not. I appreciate your honesty, though I am unsure why you are sharing so much with me. We hardly know one another.”
“The woman I love is lost to me forever. Alastar is alive, by the grace of the gods, after his wound. Is this something you wish to waste on petty arguments?”
Anger and suspicious began to brew in her veins. “Did Alastar send you to speak on his behalf? Not that any of this is your business, but what happened between us was far from petty. I cannot trust him anymore and without trust, what is there?”
“Nay. He did not send me. Would a man send another man to seduce his own wife?”
“Seduce?” she scoffed. “You think highly of yourself.”
“You miss my point again.”
“Can you simply tell me your point, so we can be done with this conversation?”
“My point is that we are two people who are not interested in relationships with anyone, and cannot be with the ones we love. And yet, we have… needs.”
She stopped walking and narrowed her eyes. “I have nay interest in any involvement with any man.”
“Not even Alastar? Be honest now.” He quirked a brow at her and her irritation grew. He was a fine-looking man, but he was quickly starting to annoy her. “You know… there is one very good way to test a man’s feelings for a woman. Make him envious.”
Now Aislin saw where he was going with this, and she wanted no part of it. “I am above intentionally making him envious, Amos. If I were to choose to be with another man, it would be for my own reasons and not to hurt Alastar.”
They approached her home and stopped just outside the door. “I like you, Aislin. I would enjoy spending more time with you. Not to make Alastar envious, but because I believe we could have a mutually beneficial relationship that requires nay commitments, just… pleasure.”
The low tone of his voice made her tingle up her spine. Could she be so bold as to have such a relationship with a man? How badly her heart ached for Alastar, but she had to move on from those emotions. Mayhap Amos would be a pleasant distraction. “I will think on it.” That was all she was willing to offer now. She had never been kissed by another man in all her life. Alastar had taught her all she knew of love, and she was not certain she was ready to share that knowledge with another man.
Stepping closer, Amos placed his hands on either side of her waist and pulled her closer. She did not fight him then, nor did she resist when his dark head began to descend, his eyes locked on her lips. What harm could one kiss do? She needed to forget Alastar, even just for one moment in time. His lips grazed hers in a gentle tease, and she did not pull away or move closer.
He must have taken that as an invitation, for he suddenly deepened the kiss, sweeping his tongue across her lips, begging for entrance… and she gave it. His kiss was sensual, and she knew he had much practice at this, much more than she had. Though he was a braw warrior and handsome man, she felt no spark. She was not melting the way she had melted when Alastar simply touched her hand. Alastar’s kiss had made her lose all thought, catch her breath, and made her want to cling onto him forever and let him do anything to her. This kiss, though enjoyable and sweet, did nothing to make her forget Alastar. If anything, it only made her think of him more. So much so, she swore she could hear his voice in her head.
“My thanks for all your help, Duncan.” Aye, that was his voice, but why would his voice in her head be thanking her cousin, Duncan? Such a strange thought. She tried to pull away from Amos, but his grip was firm and suddenly, his hands gripped her backside as his tongue continued to taste every corner of her mouth.
“I am glad I was able to help. You are family. Always will be,” Duncan replied and Aislin stiffened. Alastar’s voice was not in her mind. It was coming from her home and it was growing louder by the second.
“I wish that were the case, Dun, but I am not so sure of anyth—” Alastar’s voice stopped in mid-sentence just as Amos and Aislin finally came up for breath. She wiped her lips to hide the evidence, but she was certain her mouth was red and raw from Amos’s scruffy beard.
“Aislin? Amos?” Alastar growled. “Get your hands off my wife!”
Alastar looked thinner, paler, and more vulnerable, yet the fire blazing in his eyes was enough to send her back a few steps. The last time he was this angry had been when Daniel cornered her at the lake. This was the first time she had seen him out of bed in almost a moon and to see him this way, jaw clenched, veins bulging in his neck and fists clenched, she felt as if she may vomit.
“She is not your wife anymore, as far as I have heard,” Amos replied coolly.
“She is my wife and she carries my child. Do not touch her.”
The possession in his voice angered her. “I made it clear to you that we are done, Alastar. I am sorry you just saw that, but it truly is none of your concern what I do.” Duncan, at the tender age of five and ten, stood beside Alastar with his jaw dropped, looking from her to Amos and back to Alastar, waiting to see if a fight would erupt.
Alastar pointed an accusatory finger in Amos’s face. “You are fortunate that I am too weak to kill you, Amos. And you,” he spun on Aislin and stepped closer to her, lowering his voice. “Are you trying to kill me?”
Her heart plummeted at the pain in his voice. “What? Nay, Alastar. I am glad to see you well again.”
He scoffed. “You have a strange way of celebrating it and if you think I am well, then you truly are blind.” He walked away with a limp as he held his chest wound. Though it had healed enough to allow him mobility, he still looked more vulnerable than she had ever seen him. His reaction to what he just witnessed made shame wash over her.
Nay. He deserved that. What she had witnessed Alastar saying to Elwynna on more than one occasion had killed her inside. She had meant what she said to Amos. She would never intentionally cause Alastar pain, envy, or distress. However, she was not his wife, and never truly had been. A handfast was a mutual agreement that either of them had always been free to walk away from, and she had. Still, why did she feel so ill? Why did she want to run after him, wrap her arms around him, and beg him to believe that it had been a sudden kiss and one she received no pleasure from?
Because, she loved him. She hated to see his pain because she knew firsthand how it felt, and never wanted to make him feel the same way. She knew he loved her. Only, he loved another as well, and that would never be acceptable.
Amos leaned in and whispered in her ear, “Well. Now you know how he truly feels about you. I told you it would work.” He waggled his brows and her eyes grew wide.
“You… you planned that?”
“Aye, and nay. Aye I knew he was in your home with Duncan. I had hoped he would see it, if only to show you how he still feels about you. I told you, what you and Alastar have should not be wasted… but it was not entirely selfless. I have been wanting to taste your sweet lips for as long as I can remember. I do not regret a moment of it… even if you were thinking of him the entire time…”
She pouted her bottom lip. “What? I was not!” She blushed and averted her eyes, knowing the lie was written across her face.
He tilted his head and laughed. “Aye, you were. Listen, if you ever want to do that again, and much more, I am very willing, but I think you should consider your position with him before you go around kissing other lads.”
“I did not kiss you! You kissed me!” She wanted to slug him in his perfect face; he was making her so flustered.
“Does it really matter who kissed whom?” He shrugged and smiled down at her. “You are a very beautiful woman, Aislin. I would love to spend more time with you, truly. Think about it.” With a wink, he strode off with all the confidence of a stallion that had just impregnated a mare.
“Aislin, you have always been wild, but this is too much,” Duncan said with his hands flying in the air. “I have spent every day for the past fortnight with Alastar and all he did was speak of you. This truly was not a good thing for him to have witnessed.”
She grumbled under her breath. “Did Elwynna come and visit him often?” she inquired.
Duncan made a noise somewhere between a snort and a scoff. “Not once. And the only time he spoke of her, was when he was berating himself repeatedly for what you thought had happened between them.”
“Not you, as well, Dun,” she puffed out a breath. “He explained away his mistake the first time. But what of the second time? I walked in to find her basically on top of him while he told her she was beautiful and would make a wonderful wife. Am I supposed to continue to believe his stories and just hope he is telling the truth?”
Duncan wrinkled his nose. “I can see how that looked bad. He told me all about it.”
“And I suppose you believe his story?” She cocked a brow at him and crossed her arms.
“Aye. I do. He is so distressed, Lin. ‘Tis not my story to tell. Mayhap you need to talk to him about it.”
Aislin shook her head. “Nay. Tis done. I have made my mind up and will not waver. I listened to his excuses once. Then I found her with him alone a second time. Then I found out he made a wager with Àdhamh that he could marry me within one moon’s time! He won a dagger! Then he gave it to me, which is just humiliating. ‘Tis too much for me. He is not the only one hurting, Dun!” Her voice quivered with rising fury, but she was tired of everyone around her always siding with Alastar. She was not the one who made bad choices. She had taken a leap of faith, gone out of her comfort zone to change her entire life and stay with him. He had betrayed her three times.
She continued her tirade, knowing none of this was her young cousin's fault, but curse him for standing up for Alastar! “I have the man’s babe growing inside me! Do you think I am not suffering, as well? I loved him with all I had, despite my better judgment! Do you know how hard it was for me to open up to him? To allow him in? I was made a fool. But I will not be made a fool, again. It matters not if he loves me, for clearly love is not enough to keep him loyal.”
Pursing her lips, she breathed in deeply to calm herself. Her continuing angst must not be good for her child, and she had to remember to remain calm. It was just so hard when everyone around her, including Amos now, was trying to make her forgive Alastar. Mayhap she could forgive him. Mayhap she could sit down calmly with him, let him speak his piece, and move on with their lives amicably. Being together could not be an option. She had sworn once to never marry, and look what happened when she relented. It was partially her fault for believing the man she had once caught with his face buried deep into a serving lassie’s bosom could ever truly swear off lassies for the remainder of his days.
She could accept that now. She had erred in her judgment and would take responsibility for that. She had told him from the start she would leave, so perhaps asking him to be faithful was never fair. He had only been doing her a favor when he agreed to handfast with her. Love and relationships were new to her. Had it been a farce all along? Even when they spent late nights sharing stories of their past, and then sharing their bodies, whispering words of love? Had it been an illusion, or a trick of her mind? She had not believed so, but looking back, she certainly was not the only woman he had made love to while sharing his past. He had done that with Elwynna, and had still been able to walk away from her.
So why was he still pining for Aislin? Mayhap he wished to make it work between them for their child’s sake, but that was not a good enough reason for her. If she gave birth to a daughter, she needed to show the lass that women were strong creatures who did not need to lose themselves to men to be content. She could raise this child on her own. At least she could depend on herself. Depending on a man had proven foolish.
Aye, she would find time to go visit Alastar. Truthfully, it had been nice to see him faring well and she did miss him. She could stand to be in the same room with him long enough to discuss their situation, and how to move forward. They were both adults.
So why did the thought of being alone with Alastar again make her pulse race, and mouth dry? Her babe gave her a strong kick and she placed a hand on her womb. “Aye wee one. Mama will make this right with your papa,” she promised and, unlike this babe’s sire, Aislin always kept her promises.