Occasionally I’d fly a client who wanted to stay overnight at their chosen destination and have me fly them back the following day. Those nights, though few and far between, had become a respite. Moments where I could turn off my brain, forget I was Andre Rivera, and after a good-night call to Katniss, come as close as possible to even forgetting I was a father and widower. They were nights filled with sensations of being touched once more, having hands on my body, the weight of someone over me or under me, flesh on flesh, and though they never touched my heart or soul, during those times, I wasn’t alone. That was truer for the first few times I took advantage of the overnight trips, considering the nearly crippling guilt over the few days that followed. However, that had dissipated more every time.

Flying was the same sort of experience. Instead of comforting my body, it acted as a form of meditation for my mind, and maybe my soul. I rarely put the plane on autopilot, choosing to get lost in the mundane minutiae of flying the aircraft. Allowing my awareness to spread out over the clouds, soar free through the limitless sky, and observe the ever-changing surface of the earth below from a safe and untouchable distance. For the first year after Meghan’s death, even this experience was followed by guilt. A sense of betrayal for allowing my mind to forget her absence, for pausing in my grief even for that short time.

But then getting lost in the clouds became vital to survival. To sanity. To being a father.

Over the past couple of years, the same was true for the hot and sweaty nights spent in oblivion outside Lavender Shores.

And the one time I risked bringing those nights within the town’s limits, into my home—the one time—reality had come crashing in through my front door, and in Will Epstein’s eyes, I rediscovered the guilt I had managed to push aside.

Even as the night sky enveloped us while we passed through dark, dense clouds that gave way to an endless sea of stars, there was no sense of meditation of mind, no transcendence of soul. Though the journey of the small plane was smooth and easy, turbulence rolled through the interior. Stress radiated off Will beside me in the cockpit. Neither of us were small men, but Will was larger, both in terms of height and stature. At any other time, the small space would’ve felt filled with the two of us. But as it was, the walls of metal and plastic seemed to be closing in. Over the hours in the air, no words had been spoken outside of a few comments about the plane, weather, and flight path. Will’s only movement was to transition his grip from his knees, to scratch, rake his fingers through his dark blond hair, or rub his temples, then return to their white-knuckled position.

Maybe it was because we were so crowded that I couldn’t tell what emotions were his and what were mine. Guilt, stress, fear, confusion… Enough that it would’ve been smarter for me to trust the autopilot given my distracted state, but I didn’t, too desperate to grasp on to anything I could.

The farther we flew, the louder our silence grew. The louder Will’s thoughts became. He was practically screaming them at me.

Betrayal. Disgust. Disappointment.

“It doesn’t mean I don’t miss her.”

My words were so unexpected that for a moment I wasn’t sure if I’d spoken them out loud or just screamed them in my mind. Not until Will twisted stiffly to look at me. “What?” His voice cracked, sounding dry. He’d not spoken to me in ages, had barely uttered a word during our two refueling stops in Canada.

Shit. I didn’t want to start this. I hadn’t meant to. “Nothing. Sorry.” I kept my focus trained on the display screen and dials.

Will returned to staring out at the night.

The silence increased. It echoed the silence that had fallen between the three of us when Silas had stepped out of my bedroom. As he’d looked between Will and me and our matching states of shock. For the first time in my life, I’d felt light-headed enough I nearly passed out. No… for the second time in my life.

It had been Silas who had spoken first. “Are you two okay?” Then he turned accusing eyes on me. “I thought you were single.”

That had broken Will free, though he ignored Silas’s question and begged me to take him to Nick.

Within five minutes, I’d sent Will back to his house to get his ID and to put on clothes. He’d been in such a panic that he was still in his pajamas and barefoot. Within those same five minutes, Silas was also dressed and gone and wouldn’t be seen again.

Within an hour, I’d picked Will up, submitted flight plans, and we were off.

The sun peered in, glowing red over the horizon as we crossed the Canadian border into Alaska before Will spoke again. “I don’t know what I’m going to say to him.”

The memory of Will’s expression as he stared at Silas flitted through my mind, but I realized who he meant before I replied. “Probably doesn’t matter what you say. Just as long as you’re there with him.”

He nodded, and I thought silence was going to return, but Will looked at me once more. “I can’t believe they didn’t stay with him or take him in.”

That time, I was instantly aware who he meant. Will had gotten a return call from the police, from Sheriff Greenland. Letting him know he’d checked in on Nick—that he’d been asleep, drunk, but that he was in no danger of self-harm.

Will had tried to call Nick, but he hadn’t answered, simply sent a text saying that he was okay, that he was sorry he’d bugged Will.

“I’m sure they were right. If Nick was at risk of hurting himself, they would’ve done something. But he was drunk in his own house. Not exactly illegal, and like you said, Nick didn’t say he was going to kill himself or anything like that.”

Will considered and then nodded grudgingly before looking at me again. “Am I overreacting? It wasn’t like we were already flying when Greenland called. We could’ve just stayed in Lavender Shores. Clearly Nick doesn’t want to talk to me about it again. He wouldn’t even answer my call.”

“No. Of course you’re not overreacting. If it was Ad—” I’d started to say Adrian, but his name always made Will cringe. “—my brother, I’d do the same. Nick’s a pretty even-keeled guy. He won’t be upset that you’ve come.”

“No… probably not.” Will let out a long, heavy sigh. When he spoke again, his tone sounded like a confessional. “I don’t know what to say to him.”

I considered before I responded to that statement a second time. It seemed Will was spiraling around Nick, obviously. How self-absorbed I’d been, convinced he was sitting there judging me for what he’d walked in on. Of course that hadn’t even been a concern. Despite the look that had crossed his face, he just hadn’t expected anyone to be there. That was all. I’d been worried about telling him, and Seth for that matter, for ages, for nothing. God, I needed to pull my head out of my ass. “Well… what do you think he needs to hear?”

“I have no clue.” He sounded utterly defeated. “You should’ve heard him. Completely broken. Granted, he was hard to understand, but I’ve never heard him like that. Never. You know Nick. He’s either joking, cocky, or raging against Dad and everything Lavender Shores. But he sounded scared. Guilty.”

I tried to figure out how to respond, but Will kept going before I could, his voice breaking again, this time from emotion rather than lack of use. “I can’t lose him. I can’t see him waste away. He can’t die.”

I finally looked away from the controls and the sky at that, surprised. “Die?”

He turned to me, confusion over his face once more.

I hadn’t realized that’s what he’d been thinking. “Will, it’s not a death sentence. Not anymore. Not even close.”

He blinked, opened his mouth, and then shut it again.

“We both know people living with HIV. And they have normal lives just the same as you and me.”

“That’s true.” He exhaled again, almost a contemplative sound. “It’s just… It’s Nick, you know. The older brother. The one who couldn’t be controlled, the wild one, the… brave one.”

I studied Will at that. I knew he adored his older brother, knew he and Erica both did, but I’d always gotten a sense that Will held it against Nick for betraying the family.

He saw Nick as brave?

Before I could decide if I wanted to go down that path, Will flinched and grabbed my arm, but released me almost instantly. “Shit, Andre, I wasn’t even thinking. I’m so sorry.”

“For what?”

He waffled his hand in the air as if searching. “For… well… you’re right. Of course it’s not a death sentence, and here I am all torn up and acting like it’s the end of the world, and not even thinking about what you’ve gone through. About… Meghan.”

With that sucker punch, I was thrown right back to that moment standing between Silas and Will.

He kept going. “I should’ve stopped to realize what this might do to you before asking you to fly me to Nick. What it might bring up for you.”

Despite my guilt, or maybe because of it, a bite of anger flitted through me. “They aren’t even close to being the same thing, not even close. Nick has plenty of money. He’ll be able to get all the care he needs so he’ll be able to possibly outlive either of us. He has every chance in the world.” Even as I spoke I could hear my anger rise, and I tried to get it under control, knowing that Will didn’t deserve it. I couldn’t. “He contracted a disease, so what? He gets to live, he gets to fight for his life, he gets to have a life, probably nearly identical to the one he’s already living.” Damn it, I couldn’t stop. “Even if he doesn’t. Even if for some reason the medication doesn’t work, he still has plenty of time. He gets to tell his family goodbye. Gets to prepare. So do you. It’s not like he’s going to be walking around completely healthy one second and then dead on the floor in front of you the next.”

Will again seemed momentarily at a loss for words, not that I could blame him. “I know. That’s… that’s what I meant. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

I didn’t answer. It’d been a long time since my rage had boiled up so suddenly. Years, actually. It had been a common occurrence in the months following Meghan’s death, but I’d thought that was in the past. It shocked me that it was still there. That I could direct it at Will.

Even so, I wasn’t wrong. I would have had Meghan trade places with Nick in a heartbeat. Even as I thought it, I knew my reasons were selfish. As far as death went, she’d had a good one. For her. There was no fear, no pain. We’d been curled up on the couch, watching a movie. She stood to get us a second bowl of ice cream, and then the aneurysm took her away. For her, it was easy. Not so much for Katniss or me.

And again, not Will’s fault, or Nick’s. It was exactly what Will had been apologizing for, though there’d been no need to. Apparently, even in his distraught state, he had more insight than me, knowing that this might trigger something.

Finally I looked at him. “Sorry. You didn’t deserve that.”

“It’s okay. Like I said, I should’ve thought. I shouldn’t have asked you to do this.”

“No. You should have. I’m glad you did.” I forced myself to meet his eyes, and when I did, I meant every word. “It doesn’t matter what it brings up for me. I want to be here for you. And for Nick. He’s my friend too. And you have absolutely nothing to apologize for. Nothing.”

I could tell he was tempted to argue, but after a second, he simply smiled and nodded before turning back to the stars.

I did the same but didn’t see them. Instead reliving that night one more time, for the billionth time. Her beautiful face as she stood, smiling, laughing at something I’d said and then the jolt of shock covering her expression before she and the bowls crashed to the floor.

Will’s shocked expression superimposed itself over Meghan’s. As he stared between Silas and me. As he realized my betrayal. That was the other reason I’d bitten his head off, wasn’t it?

Because he’d seen my guilt.

“It doesn’t mean I don’t miss her.” That time I meant to say the words.

The second time hearing them, Will followed my meaning, though he gave me a baffled look. “The guy tonight?” He grimaced but pushed on. “You seriously think that’s what I would assume? That you fu—” Again his hand waffled in the air. “Doing… whatever you were doing… means you had forgotten Meghan or didn’t love her or something?”

Yeah, that was exactly what I was thinking. I checked the display, more to focus on something else than actual need. “No… not necessarily.”

“Well, good. Because I didn’t.”

The silence returned for another half hour. Still awkward and heavy, but maybe a little less so. We’d just begun our descent into Tanana when Will let out a shaky breath and spoke in a hesitant whisper. “So… are you and… that guy… together or something?”

Together? “Silas and me?”

His brows knitted for a second. “Silas. His name is Silas?”

“Yeah. And no, we’re not. I just met him at…” Met him after you left the Blue Blossom the other night, and then hooked up after the ridiculous display our mothers made, after the look you gave me when you realized I was sleeping with other people after Meghan. I was desperate. I manage not to say that, barely. “No. We’re not together. It was just a one-time thing.” The night of the wedding had been a one-time thing. What Will had walked in on was a repeat performance of the one-time thing, but that didn’t need to be said either.

He nodded slowly. “Okay. I thought maybe you were part of the reason he was moving here.”

I had to replay Will’s statement a couple of times before turning to him in horror. “What do you mean moving?”

“That he’s moving to Lavender Shores, maybe taking over Boudoir?” He said it more as a question than a statement. “At least… that’s what Seth said.”

Goddamn it. Silas and I hadn’t really gotten into talking about life situations. I knew he and his family were still in town after his brother’s wedding but hadn’t realized he had any thoughts of staying.

Of course, the one time I attempted to find refuge in sex within Lavender Shores, it was supposed to be someone who was popping in and popping back out again. Now it was only a matter of time before everyone knew I was moving on from Meghan.

Even though I wasn’t.

“No.” I didn’t look back at Will. “We are most definitely not together.”