Chapter 5
Rebecca
There’s something amazing about shifting and running. There’s something so freeing about it. I shouldn’t spend my lunch hour in the woods, but I can’t help myself. I need this shift. It’s been forever since I allowed myself this small pleasure. It’s been a lifetime.
I switch the sign on the door to read “Closed” and lock the store. Then I head to the edge of the forest. It’s a short walk from the bookstore. I’m lucky to live in a place now with so many open fields and wooded areas. When I lived in the big city, things were different. I was so busy working that even when I had time to shift, I didn’t have time to go far, and areas like this were few and far between.
Now I feel like I can actually go out. I feel like I can take an hour to myself and just go be me.
I still don’t know what the hell I’m going to make for dinner.
Fuck.
I strip out of my clothes and fold them up neatly. Then I place them next to a tree, along with my shoes and my keys. I’m not worried that someone will find my things and steal them. That doesn’t really happen in Wolfe City. Because almost everyone in town is a shifter, there’s a certain code of honor that comes with it.
If you see someone’s clothes, leave them alone. Chances are the person has shifted and is running around somewhere relaxing. It would be a pity if they came back and their stuff was gone.
That’s happened once in Wolfe City. It was shortly after my arrival. A couple of out-of-towners were visiting a relative and stayed at the motel. One afternoon, they noticed some clothes and keys next to a fencepost and “kindly” took the clothes to the police station in case someone had “lost” them.
The police deputies told me the story one day while we were all hanging out at Tony’s. They had to try so hard to keep a straight face while the couple explained that some poor soul had forgotten his folded clothing. Later, when Tom Barkley, the owner of the aforementioned clothes, came stalking butt-naked into town, declaring that he’d been robbed, the cops had a field day.
As far as I know, that’s the only time something like that has ever happened, and for good reason: the wolves in this town are excellent. It’s not only the wolves who are good. The diner, for example, is run by a group of rowdy bears. Still, most of citizens of Wolfe City are, in fact, wolves, and they treat each other like a family.
Even though I’m a tiger, I really feel like they’ve accepted me into the group, and I love that.
I love this place.
And I don’t ever want to leave.
I step lightly into the woods. Twigs and brush crunch beneath my feet, but I ignore it. The only thing I need right now is to keep moving. The only thing I need is to be myself. I just need to relax. I just need to feel. I just need to be free.
I close my eyes and focus for a minute. Some shifters are better than me. They can shift one part of their body. Wolves are especially good at this. They can shift just their teeth or just their hand or just their head.
Me?
I’m a tiger.
I’m all tiger.
I’m either a tiger or a girl and there’s really nowhere in between for me.
So when I shift, I shift completely. I close my eyes, I focus, and then I feel. And suddenly, I feel the dirt beneath my paws. My hands are gone, replaced with beautiful, soft paws, and I feel whole.
I breathe a sigh of relief as I finish changing. Shifting doesn’t hurt. It’s not supposed to. It’s supposed to be as natural as anything else we do normally because shifting is a part of who we are at our very cores.
It’s my nature.
It’s me.
And then I run.
I run through the forest and forget about the fact that I have no idea what I’m going to do with my life.
I run through the forest and forget about the fact that my husband is dead.
I run through the forest and forget about the fact that no one knows how lonely I really feel inside.
I run through the forest and forget about the fact that Brandon is the most wonderful man I’ve met in a very, very long time.
I run through the forest and forget about the fact that I have no idea what I’m going to make for dinner.
And then I stop.
I’m at the top of a little cliff overlooking a swimming hole with a small waterfall. It’s only about 20 feet down. If I jumped off the cliff, I’d be fine. The water looks deep: really deep. Although the crystal-clear liquid is beautiful, it’s not what has my attention.
No, what has my attention is the fact that there are two male wolves swimming in the water, splashing around. There are two wolves and one of them calls to my heart.
One of them is Brandon.
I just know it.
I’ve never seen him in wolf form, but something about the way this creature is moving tells me that it’s him. He looks so different from the way he looks as a man, but in many ways, his features are similar.
He seems strong, determined.
Playful.
I lie down on the top of the cliff and peer over it, resting my paws on the ledge. I’m being very quiet, almost completely silent. Unless they look up for me, they won’t smell me or notice me.
I’m good at being sneaky.
After a few minutes, the wolves both shift back into human form. Sure enough, one of them is Brandon. I knew it! Suddenly, I feel justified. I don’t shift into my human form, though. I’m not ready for that. No, I want to stay in my tiger form with my super-sensitive hearing so I can eavesdrop on this obviously private conversation.
It’s completely none of my business, but something makes me want to get to know Brandon a little bit more. Something makes me want to get to know him a little bit. Something makes me want to know exactly what he’s going to say to Tony, so I listen.
“Thanks for coming out with me,” Brandon says. He’s treading water in the center of the swimming hole. Tony dives under the water for a second, but then comes back up and shakes his head, splashing water all over Brandon, who ignores the gesture.
“It’s been a long time since we were here,” Tony says. “We used to spend so much time here as kids. Man, those were some good summers. Some good adventures.”
“The best,” Brandon agrees, and I picture him as a little boy, coming to this place with his friends. What must he have been like? He’s the son of an Alpha, if I remember correctly. His father was the Alpha before him and when Brandon has a child, that son or daughter will lead the pack when he gets too old.
It’s a wolf’s way.
“I needed this,” Brandon says. “It’s been a long week.”
“Want to talk about it?”
“Want to listen?”
“Always,” Tony says.
“I’m in love with Rebecca,” he says, and instantly, I shift back into human form. I’m so shocked that I shift. That hasn’t happened to me in years. He’s in love with me? That’s quite the declaration, and to his best friend.
He’s in love with me.
My heart simultaneously soars and cracks.
I know that if I’m very, very honest, I’m in love with him, too. I’m in love with him and I don’t want to be because there’s a part of me that feels like I already had my shot. I already had a chance at love. I loved Chris.
I loved that tiger with my whole heart and he just up and died. He died and he left me all alone and now I’ve met Brandon and I don’t think I deserve him.
I know I don’t deserve him.
Brandon is the kind of guy most girls would kill to be with. He’s the kind of guy any girl should fall over backwards to be with. He’s kind. He’s a good leader. He’ll make a good father someday. He’s incredible.
He’s not for me, though.
He never could be for me.
When Chris died, I knew I would never find someone to love again. That’s why I haven’t dated in the past five years. Oh, I’ve had my fun. I’ve had flings. I’ve had some adventures. I haven’t dated, though. I’ve never done anything that could lead to being emotionally involved.
That’s not for me.
Not anymore.
“What are you going to do about it?” Tony asks. He starts swimming toward the shore and Brandon follows. I try, sort-of, not to oogle his backside as he swims with his friend.
“What do you mean? What can I do? She doesn’t want me.” The two wolves get out of the water and sit on the beach with their toes still in the water. Tony is handsome, but I don’t even look twice at him. I don’t have eyes for him. I only have eyes for Brandon.
“Anyone who sees the way she looks at you knows she wants you, dumbass.”
“She’s been hurt in the past.”
“Her husband died, Brandon. That’s not the same thing as being dumped or divorced or abandoned. She hasn’t gone through a breakup. She doesn’t have some crazy ex out there. No, her husband died, and she’s hurting. She’s going to hurt forever over that, Brandon. That pain never really goes away.”
I bite my lip. He’s right. Someone wise once told me that when you’re hurt, the pain never really stops. Not completely. You learn, though, how to deal with it. You learn how to cope. You learn how to center yourself in spite the anguish you’re experiencing.
There’s a place in my heart that will always miss Chris. He was my first love, my true love. He really was my mate.
“I’m scared I won’t be able to live up to his memory,” Brandon says. His voice is lower now, and I have to strain to listen, but I’m shocked at what he’s saying.
Brandon thinks he’s not good enough for me?
What the hell?
In all the time I’ve known him, I’ve never really thought of things from his perspective. Selfish, much? Silently, I chide myself for being so self-centered that I only focused on myself and what I was feeling. I never thought about what Brandon must be going through.
“He’s been gone a long time,” Tony says.
“I’m sure it’s still very fresh in her mind.”
“Have you talked with her about it?”
“Honestly? I’m not really sure how, man. How do you bring that up with the girl you love? ‘Hey, I think you’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met, but I’m worried you’re still in love with your dead husband and I’ll never be good enough for you’? Is that how the conversation should go?”
“Well, fuck, don’t beat around the bush at all.”
“Sorry.”
“You’re fine,” Tony stretches, then looks back at Brandon. I should feel bad for eavesdropping. I really, really should. I should feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself, but I’m in too much shock to feel anything but surprise. “But you should talk to her.”
“It might be awkward.”
“It will definitely be awkward. Sometimes awkwardness happens, dude. You’ll never know until you try, though. You’ll never know unless you give it a fair shot.”
“Any advice?”
“You love her?”
“I love her.”
“What do you love about her, Brandon? Be specific.”
Brandon doesn’t hesitate.
He doesn’t think about it.
He doesn’t ask for a couple of minutes.
He just starts talking.
“She’s kind to everyone around her. When Dana left Wolfe City, Rebecca was there for her. Dana didn’t have a damn person in the world, but she had Rebecca. Rebecca never let her down. She was there for her at every turn. When it was time to come back and face her demons, Dana didn’t have to do it alone. Again, Rebecca was right there with her. Rebecca doesn’t think I know, but she gives discounts at the store to the poorer shifters and then pays the difference herself. She brings extra sandwiches to work with her in the morning and if someone seems hungry, she offers them one. She goes out of her way to be kind, to be good, and I’m crazy about that. She has the purest heart I’ve ever seen, but how can I tell her that?”
Suddenly, Tony looks up at me and winks.
“I think you just did,” he says. Then Tony shifts into his wolf form and runs off into the woods, leaving me on the cliff and a very, very naked Brandon on the beach.
Brandon looks up at me, shakes his head, and smiles.
“Might as well come on down, love. There’s no hiding now.”