Diana

“Hi, Mom.” I expertly held the phone between my shoulder and my ear so I could flip the pancakes on the griddle, peering over the countertop to make sure Noah was playing on the floor where I’d left him so I could make us a proper Saturday morning breakfast.

“Hi, Honey. Are you busy? I can call back.”

“Not at all,” I promised. “What’s up?”

“Nothing, really. I just wanted to hear your voice.”

“Well then, good morning.” I scooped the pancakes onto a plate and poured batter into the pan for two more. “Don’t you usually sit on the balcony with Eli in the morning?”

“Usually. He has an appointment this morning.”

“And how’s he doing?” I couldn’t entirely keep the suggestiveness out of my voice.

“Are we that obvious?”

“Well… I might have caught you two kissing on the balcony.” I switched the phone from my left hand to my right hand, grinning at my mother’s surprised exclamation.

“I even looked to see if anyone was coming up to the building,” my mother laughed. “I can’t imagine how I missed you. Oh, well. Eli is doing great, for your information. My blood pressure is back down, but they’re still monitoring me.”

“That’s great, Mom! I got more work as an overnight nanny. I might be able to make two payments this month.” Tapping the speakerphone icon, I set the phone on the counter so I could chop strawberries.

“Really. For Cameron?”

“Yeah. For Cameron.” My mom’s question reminded me what I had been thinking about just before she called, and I chopped a strawberry a little more aggressively than necessary.

“Are you okay?”

Trust my mom to catch that tiny, tiny note in my voice that said I wasn’t okay. “I might have feelings for him,” I admitted, face warming at the memory of that day in the office. “And… and he might be interested in me.”

“And you’re probably trying to convince yourself out of a relationship because he’s your boss, aren’t you? Workplace relationships can work, Diana. You should trust your heart.”

“But I’ve done that before, Mom, I trusted my heart and it was a mistake.” These strawberries could definitely be in smaller pieces. I went at them with a will.

“That was a long time ago. You’ve matured so much.”

“Maybe.” Suddenly unwilling to talk about Cameron, I picked up the phone. “Actually, sorry, can I let you go, Mom? I’m making breakfast for Noah and me, and I’m just about finished.”

“Sure. Talk to you later. I love you.”

“Love you too, Mom.” I traded a phone for the cutting board and scraped half of the strawberries into a bowl, watching as they fell and slicing one or two up a little better. Preschoolers could eat most things adults could, but they were still prone to choking. The other half was for me, and that went in another bowl. It would have been easier to cut just half the strawberries, but when I babysat my little cousins, I found that kids didn’t like to feel singled out. If Noah and I ate the exact same meal, he would feel like my equal.

I flipped the last pancakes out of the pan, turned off the stove, and fixed two plates, keeping the syrup to a minimum, of course. “Breakfast!” I announced, my voice containing a cheerfulness I didn’t quite feel. An excited Noah followed me to the coffee table, where I placed his food so he could sit and watch one of the two shows he was allowed to see daily during breakfast.

I opted to eat my own food in the kitchen, preferring to keep my less-than-cheerful thoughts away from Noah’s bouncy morning happiness.

Cameron would get home in just a few hours, bringing with him news of some sort. Maybe he would walk in and tell me he had to go to yet another court date. He could also smile and tell me that he had retained custody of Noah. If he came in with red eyes or a set mouth, then he would have lost the case - but I doubted he would cry outright in front of Noah.

Or, there was another option that my brain had maliciously reminded me about multiple times a day since I’d come here to take care of Noah. Cameron could walk into his house, look me in the eyes, and tell me he’d decided to get back together with his ex-wife.

Whenever he talked about her, he got this wistful sheen in his eyes. No matter what she did to him or how she tried to intrude upon his life, he never sounded angry or upset. Clearly, some small part of him still loved her. She was Noah’s mother, and Noah needed a mother. If Cameron would have her back  - if his ex-wife wanted to rekindle what they had - wouldn’t it be best for Noah if his parents reconnected? And Cameron was all about what was best for Noah...

All I could say was that it wouldn’t be the first time a man said or showed in some way that he cared about me, then threw it all in my face. There was a word for that; a phrase, more accurately.

Stringing along.

I hated to think that Cameron could do that to me, but… he just loved Noah so much. Family clearly meant so much to him, and I couldn’t really fault him for that - wasn’t it true for me, too? His son would take precedence over some curvy girl from the office who had a crush on him.

Besides, I had terrible luck with men in my life. Why should this one be any different?

Thankfully, I didn’t have time for a good cry right now. Noah might have been a fairly quiet kid, but he was still a preschooler, and sometimes preschoolers did things like spill their glasses of milk all over the table and the floor.

“Oopsies!” I announced cheerfully, making it clear that I wasn’t angry at all. Noah drank out of regular cups just fine most of the time, only using sippy cups in the car or in bed at night for water. “Let’s get a towel!” With Noah’s willing help, we soon had the mess mopped up. Luckily, Cameron’s house had only wood floors with area rugs. Cleaning milk out of the carpet wouldn’t have been nearly so easy.

Noah occupied all my attention for the next few hours. Keeping a preschooler entertained was no joke, especially when it was freezing outside and we didn’t really have time to bundle up and go somewhere before Cameron returned. I was so occupied with Noah that I even forgot to dread the sound of a knock at the door until that knock came.

“That’s your dad!” I told Noah, trying to sound excited. “Let’s go- ”

“Daddy!” Noah ran to the door and fumbled with the stiff deadbolt lock. Even in my state of nervousness, I had to smile at his enthusiasm. I turned the locks and let Noah open the heavy wooden door by himself. “Daddy!” He flung himself into Cameron’s arms. Clearly, Cameron had expected this because he had set everything down on the porch.

“Hey, Buddy!” As Noah spouted a constant stream of things his father had missed him do, I snuck past them and helped Cameron carry his bags inside.

“I hope you had a safe trip?” I asked when I could get a word in edgewise.

Cameron turned to me, and his whole face was alight with happiness, none of it faked for his son. “We won the case! Noah’s going to stay right here in Chicago. Johanna has six weeks of visitation a year, but knowing her… she won’t put in the effort.”

So, he wasn’t getting back together with his ex-wife. Why had I ever been worried about that? Oh, the antics of the overactive mind…

I still had plenty of reasons to worry, though. And the sudden seriousness that flooded Cameron’s face told me those fears were still perfectly relevant. “I did a lot of thinking while I was gone,” he started, releasing Noah’s hand as the boy dashed off to find a toy.

“Yeah, I know court is pretty nerve-wracking. I really need to go, though.” Whatever Cameron was about to say, whichever of the reasons I could imagine he would use to tell me that we couldn’t have this relationship - I didn’t want to hear it right now.

I’d played a little too fast and loose with my heart. I’d let a billionaire into it, for goodness’ sake, and one with baggage that I knew about from the beginning. Before he could say anything belittling or demeaning, I needed to just get out of here. “My- my mother’s waiting for me. To visit her. You know, at the nursing home.” I inched toward the door, glad I’d left my purse hanging on the coatrack there.

“Do you have five minutes? Just to talk?” Cameron stepped toward me beseechingly.

“I’m late, sorry. Can you give me my payment at the office?” By now, I was halfway out of the still open door, tugging my coat onto my shoulders.

Distress clouded his face, but he just nodded. “Okay. See you at work, then.”

I hadn’t been planning to visit my mother today at all, but now I knew I couldn’t go anywhere else. When I got to Blue Pines, I checked my phone.

I hope your mother’s okay. Can you give me a call when you have a minute? I really want to talk to you.

Wow. I was a bad person. I didn’t even kiss Noah goodbye.

“You’re not a bad person.” My mom handed me a cup of hot green tea as I poured out my fears to her, and I drank the scent and heat into my nostrils, seeking some sort of comfort. “Noah’s probably so excited that his dad’s back that he won’t even think about it.”

“Yes, he will,” I corrected her miserably. “He’s sensitive about that kind of thing. Maybe because his mother left him.”

“This Johanna lady sounds like something special in a bad way,” my mom mused. “Any woman who can just leave a young child behind has to be.”

“I don’t know.” The tea was too hot to drink, but I tried anyway and just managed to scald my tongue, bringing tears to my eyes. I hoped the tears were from the tea, anyway.

“But let’s talk about Cameron. What did he say?”

“Just that the court case went in his favor. And… well, not much else. He just got all serious, and I knew what he was going to say.”

“What?”

I clutched the tea tightly. “That we can’t go on… have a relationship. He’s my boss. I’m just some flabby secretary who doesn’t know the first thing about relationships.”

A long moment went by, mother and daughter staring into each other’s eyes. My mother broke the silence, talking slowly and a little hesitantly. “It hasn’t been easy for me to open up to Eli. Not after your father. But I have - or I’m starting to. Do you think I don’t ever feel anything bad about myself, Diana? That maybe something is wrong with me, or I can’t possibly have a healthy relationship?”

I just stared in silence, taken aback. Somehow, it had never occurred to me to realize that it might not be just me that my father’s horrible words and actions had affected.

“Eli has issues too. He’s been married before, and it didn’t work out. But… we’re in love, Diana. So we’re willing to work on our issues - together. The notion that you have to have yourself all figured out before you commit to someone just isn’t true. Sometimes, you need someone else to show you how you can and should feel. I believe you’re like that, Diana, and that whatever Cameron’s issues are, you should give him a chance.” My mother beamed the wide smile that I had inherited at me. “Besides, you haven’t even heard what the man has to say! To be honest, Honey, that’s quite silly.”

I dropped the tea on the table, threw myself at my mother, and hugged her tight. “Maybe you’re right,” I mumbled, my voice distorted by her soft cardigan. “Still think I need some wine, though.”

“Wine! They won’t let me have it in here.” My mother’s voice was so disappointed that I couldn’t help but laugh.

When I left after a couple hours and got home soon after, my thoughts were with that bottle of red wine on the counter next to the fridge. My mom had given me a lot to think about, and wine was just the companion I needed right now.

Such a companion needed a glass, and not a single clean glass was in the cupboard. I shot a glance at the dishes in the sink. They had actually escaped the sink and leaped over the sides - not literally, of course, but there were a few cups and a couple bowls piled around the edges. Okay. Clean first, then wine.

So, I cleaned. I washed all the dishes before I checked my phone, despite hearing it buzz earlier. Another text from Cameron. I ignored it and went to my room to start laundry. After I started a wash and folded some clothes that had been in the dryer for a while, I had another text. This one I also ignored.

By the time I’d vacuumed the carpet, shaken out the rugs, given the toilet bowl a quick spritz with the scrubby bubbles and put the clothes into the dryer, the pizza was ready and that bottle of wine had some nice clean glasses to go with it. I ignored a third text from Cameron and wondered, What goes with wine and pizza? Comedies.

The smell of pizza filled the living room as I bundled myself in soft blankets, curled up on the couch and let wine and laughter keep me away from the phone I’d left on the kitchen counter.

I had plenty of thinking to do, but I wasn’t going to do it right now. I’d waited far too long to have a little me time.