1996

After eight years of working for Montgomery Holdings, Theo was well versed in every aspect of the family firm. The company bought land, built on it and acquired and renovated property in prime London locations, managing its portfolio to great effect. Because of its prudent, risk-averse strategy, the company’s assets grew year on year. Theo found the ‘profit before anything’ mentality of his father and the rest of the board dispiriting, but in his quiet, unassuming way he had made it clear to staff and contacts in the industry that his values were more socially and environmentally oriented than those of his dad. He read articles on social policy and was drawn to the work of reforming organisations like the Joseph Rowntree Foundation, but he kept his head down, doing as he was asked and trying his best to fend off the depression that lurked inside him like a sleeping thing, curled and quiet but very much present. There was no denying he was still in his father’s shadow and that rankled.

At least they were no longer sharing a house. Shortly before his twenty-fifth birthday, his mum had announced out of the blue that she and his father had bought him a lovely red-brick Edwardian house in Barnes and that Theo was free to do with it as he wished. The implication was that it should encourage him to find a wife and settle down to family life, but even if that wasn’t on the cards, Theo was genuinely thrilled at finally gaining his independence. He could at last pursue his various flings without having to face a morning-after grilling when he didn’t come home to his own bed. Not that there was ever anything much to tell. Few relationships made it past the second night together and none had lasted more than two weeks. Despite himself, the spectre of Kitty still haunted him, and the flash of red curls in a bar or on a dance floor was enough to make him do a double-take and step forward for a closer look.

Theo liked working in the City, close to the beating financial heart of the country, and he felt genuine affection for Villiers House, the handsome art deco building on Cheapside, a stone’s throw from St Paul’s Cathedral, which his great-grandfather had acquired in the 1920s. Theo appreciated the history of the building: each time he leant on the brass-topped handrails, curled his fingers around an ornate window latch or put his foot in one of the slight wells worn in the tread of the stone steps, he did so with a sense of connection to the relatives who had done so before him. Montgomery Holdings occupied the top floor, as it had since his great-grandfather’s time, but the other six floors were rented out to financial trading companies.

Villiers House was mere yards away from several wine bars, and it was in these that he and Spud whiled away many an evening. But Spud was no longer free to stay out into the small hours, for fear of incurring the wrath of Kumi, his Japanese–American wife of three years. She wanted him home in suburbia at a reasonable hour, especially now that she was six months pregnant and not coping too well with the changes to her life. But, as ever, Spud appeared happy.

Theo noted that for the first time in their friendship, Spud seemed to be holding something back. He always shied away from giving specific details about Kumi’s pregnancy and he quickly changed the subject when talk turned to his impending fatherhood. Theo presumed this was because Spud didn’t want him to dwell on what he’d missed out on with Kitty. He loved that his friend was sensitive to this, but it had put the tiniest crack in their closeness. Spud was the only person on earth who knew he had a child; whether that child was male or female Theo still didn’t know, let alone what their name was, but he did know that they would be turning eight very soon. He tried to picture them, tried to imagine the birthday party Kitty might organise for them, but he couldn’t get beyond the dissatisfying image of a dark shadow of indeterminate features and size.

‘Have you got the quarterly figures for Marcus?’ Perry Montgomery stood in the doorway of Theo’s office, impatiently tapping his signet ring on the wooden frame in double-quick time. His dark hair was now streaked with grey, but he still looked dapper.

Theo had been standing at his office window staring absent-mindedly down at the people scurrying back and forth on the pavement below. He turned now to answer his father. ‘Nearly.’

‘Oh good. I’ll tell the board they can wait until nearly,’ his dad shot back sarcastically.

The words flew across the room and almost choked Theo. As was usual, he averted his gaze.

‘Could you be a little more specific or do you want me to ask Marcus to step in and give you a hand?’ Perry’s lips were set in a thin line and his eyes were fixed on the empty chair behind the desk, as if Theo had been caught shirking.

Theo’s instinct was to dart back to his desk, take up the high-backed chair and start going through the spreadsheets, but he had a feeling that this false show of activity would only irritate his father more. He couldn’t win. ‘I don’t need Marcus’s help. I’m on it,’ he levelled.

‘Clearly.’

‘I was just on my way out to grab some lunch – I’ll do the figures the moment I get back. Can I get you anything?’ He picked up his wallet from the corner of the desk and put his jacket on. The spacious office suddenly felt claustrophobic.

‘Lunch?’ His father’s tone was so disdainful and was followed by such a lengthy sigh that as Theo walked past him he wondered if he’d accidently said he was going out dancing.

He decided to curtail his lunchbreak. Often he walked for a couple of blocks to clear his head, looked in the odd shop window or spent an age deliberating over the exact contents of his sandwich made freshly to order, relishing the change of scenery, but not today. His father would be watching the clock until his return.

London was hosting Euro 96 and the streets were uncomfortably rammed with football-mad tourists, many of them sporting their national colours. In the sandwich shop, Theo chose quickly, ordering the same as the woman in front of him to save on thinking time. He raced back to Villiers House, stepping into the road to avoid the throng of idlers who were clogging up the pavement and waving football scarves in the air.

‘Hold the lift!’ he shouted with his arm outstretched, brandishing the brown paper bag that contained the favourite sandwich of the lady who’d been ahead of him in the queue. He watched the doors begin to close, cursing his timing, but then felt a ridiculous sense of relief as he glided through the gap in the nick of time. Any win on a day like this was to be celebrated.

He took up a spot at the back of the lift and looked over at its only other occupant, a young woman with a dark bob who was standing in front of him.

‘Sorry! I was trying to figure out which button might hold the doors, but they’re all a bit worn,’ she said, wrinkling her nose.

‘Please don’t worry about it.’

She glanced at him briefly over her shoulder and as her eyes swept his face he took the chance to do the same. She was not standard pretty, but she had an open face and a ready smile. Great skin, bright eyes. He liked the look of her. He liked the look of her very much.

*

‘So, this is unusual.’ Theo gave a small laugh as they took their seats in the snug of the Three Tuns. ‘I meet you in a lift only this afternoon and now here we are. Cheers!’ He raised his pint and clinked it against her small glass of white wine.

‘You’re a fast worker.’ She sipped her drink, slurping from the top. ‘I was really glad you asked me for a drink. Thank you.’ She beamed at him openly.

‘You’re welcome. I’m really glad you said yes.’

Theo liked her lack of pretence, her down-to-earth manner. She made him feel relaxed. This was the exact opposite of the nervous state he usually found himself in on a first date.

The circumstances of their meeting had also been unusual. The creaky, sixty-year-old Villiers House lift had got stuck between floors, as it sometimes did, and when he’d realised that she was getting anxious he’d done his level best to distract her and keep her chatting. The more they’d chatted, the more interested he’d become and soon he’d forgotten they were waiting to be rescued by Bernie the maintenance man. He’d simply enjoyed finding out about the young woman, whose name was Anna. He’d been quite disappointed when the doors had finally slid open.

‘So you live in Fulham?’ he said now, trying to recall the various facts from their lift chat.

‘Uh-huh, in a cupboard. Literally! My flat isn’t much bigger than this table.’ She rapped her knuckles on the surface as she placed her glass down and wiped her hands on her skirt.

She was unlike other women he knew. Nothing about her was pushy or presumptuous and she didn’t seem to have any vanity or sense or self-importance. She wasn’t one of the pouty, coming-on-to-him types he usually ended up with and neither was she sort of pretty, bright girl who expected to be adored – like Kitty. Theo realised that for the first time in as long as he could remember he was interested in someone. He was interested in her, Anna Cole with her shy demeanour and her cockney accent. He wondered how long Ned, the ex she’d mentioned, had been out of the picture and whether he’d been replaced. He hoped not.

‘So you commute from Fulham? I come in from Barnes. I think the traffic in London is getting worse, don’t you? It took me an hour to get over here in a cab from Paddington the other day. From Paddington! It might actually have been quicker to bloody walk.’

‘I get the Tube to Mansion House usually, but sometimes I get off a couple of stops early and walk to Villiers House – to keep fit, you know.’ She giggled. ‘My friend Melissa’s always going on at me to take up swimming or cycling, but I don’t know how, do I, so that wouldn’t be much good, would it?’ She laughed again.

‘You can’t ride a bike?’

‘Nope. Or swim.’ She reached for her drink and sipped again.

‘Anything else you can’t do?’

She chortled. ‘I think the answer to that is: considerably more than I can!’

He smiled, thinking of Kitty the swimmer, who might have grown her gills by now. This girl...

‘Didn’t you ever want to learn?’

‘Which thing?’

‘Both, I guess!’

‘I suppose I did at one point, but swimming just felt wrong!’ She wrinkled her nose with displeasure. ‘And there was never any chance of me getting a bike, so I guess it would have been a bit pointless.’ She tucked her hair behind her ears and seemed to consider this. ‘But there are lots of things I wanted to do and didn’t get the chance to – riding a bike was just one of them.’

‘What things?’ He was genuinely interested. He was attracted to her soft cockney accent and wondered where her thoughts had landed – she looked a million miles away.

Anna sighed and folded her hands neatly in her lap. ‘Well, I would have loved to have gone to university. My grades were good enough, but...’ She paused. ‘It just wasn’t possible.’

‘Why not?’

She exhaled and hesitated. He guessed she was weighing up how much to share on this, their first date. ‘I was in care for part of my life and that kind of reduces your horizons, your expectations. The things I wished for were pretty simple, really. To stay safe, to keep out of the way of people who didn’t like me... That sort of thing. I tried not to look too far ahead.’

Theo tried hard to mask his shock at hearing this. She’d been in care! He couldn’t imagine it. They were from such hugely different worlds, but there was something about her that struck a chord. A sort of loneliness in her voice when she talked about her past, and a resilience.

‘I can understand that.’ He coughed to clear his throat, nervous about what he was going to confess, the shame of it; it was something he never normally shared. ‘I went to university, but I didn’t graduate.’

‘Why didn’t you graduate?’ She held his gaze, her eyes steady and her expression non-judgemental.

‘A number of factors. For a start I wasted the first couple of terms on a course I didn’t want to be doing, engineering, when the thing that really interested me was social policy. So I switched, which was good, erm...’ He faltered, searching for a way to phrase his story that wouldn’t give too much away.

‘Please don’t tell me you were one of those students who couldn’t possibly study until he had alphabetised his books and cleaned his whole apartment and made an apple pie! Whereas what you actually needed to do was get down to the studying! Or did you just get drunk and sleep?’ She banged the table playfully. ‘Was that it, Theo? Were you a lazybones?’

‘Well, you’re probably right about the avoidance tactics, though cleaning my apartment and making an apple pie are a little wide of the mark.’ He smiled, thinking of how he and Spud had collected empty bottles of beer and lined them up around the edge of the room. He couldn’t remember why they’d considered this to be a good idea. ‘And actually I worked really hard, got good grades.’ He paused.

‘I feel a “but” coming on,’ Anna said.

‘And you’d be right.’ He ran his tongue over his lips. Memories of that time were still painful.

‘I kind of fell apart a bit.’

‘Well, that happens.’ She spoke softly. ‘My brother had issues and it wasn’t his fault, not really.’

She seemed to be close to tears and this new vulnerability made Theo’s heart flex with tenderness and longing.

‘I think we all go through things that shape us. I’ve always felt like an outsider.’ She lowered her voice. ‘I don’t have tons of friends and I’m quite private. You just have to hope that when your time is over, you’ve lived a largely happy life, no matter that you had to dodge puddles of shit along the way.’

Theo laughed. ‘I like that! And I myself have had to dodge some very large puddles of shit.’

‘Does it bother you that you didn’t graduate?’

Again, he liked her lack of guile. ‘Not really, not now. Or maybe a little bit, sometimes.’ He looked up at her. ‘I’m definitely in the wrong job, though. I still daydream about working for social change, doing something that’s not just concerned with maximising profits. I don’t know...’ He laughed to mask his embarrassment.

‘Well, you’re still young, you can do whatever you want. There’s still plenty of time.’

‘Yes.’ He smiled at her. If only time really was the only barrier. ‘I guess there is. Not graduating feels a little irrelevant now, but back then it felt like the end of the world.’ He never wanted to go through that again – the taking to his bed and not wanting to wake up, the deep, black depression. ‘I liked being a student, liked that life, but...’

‘But life had other plans?’

‘Actually, no, my father had other plans, but that’s a whole other story.’ He drummed his fingers on his thighs and reached for his pint.

‘Well, I’m rather glad that your dad had other plans, or you would never have been in that lift and we wouldn’t be sitting here now and there is absolutely nothing on the telly tonight.’ She grinned.

‘I’m glad to be a diversion.’

Anna smiled at him again, her beautiful, open smile. ‘I think it’s wonderful that you want to do a job that’s for the greater good and not just chasing cash like so many people. I felt your kindness today in that lift. It made all the difference to me, more than you could know, and I get the feeling you can do anything you put your mind to, Mr Montgomery. There’s something special about you.’

Theo stared at her, wondering if she knew what those words meant to him. She thought he could do anything he put his mind to! Him, the weirdo! Only she didn’t make him feel like a weirdo. She made him feel... special.

‘To puddles of shit!’ She raised her glass.

‘To puddles of shit!’ he echoed and they both drank.

She wiped her mouth and reached for her purse. ‘Same again?’

‘I’ll get them.’ He made to stand.

‘God, no!’ She stood. ‘You got the last ones. You should know I’m a girl who likes to pay her own way.’

* * *

‘Hello, is this the correct telephone number for Mr Theodore Montgomery? Lover of Guns N’ Roses, sore loser at Uno and lightweight when it comes to necking pints at speed?’

Theo laughed into the receiver. ‘It might be. Who’s asking?’

‘My name is Spud and I used to be his best friend, but he seems to have gone to ground and the carrier pigeon I sent out has returned empty-handed, so I’m trying this number as a last resort.’

‘Very funny.’ Theo sat back in the chair behind his desk.

‘How you doing, mate?’

‘I’m...’ Theo’s grin pre-empted his reply. ‘I’m great!’

‘And does this or does this not have something to do with the mysterious Anna Cole you mentioned in our last chat?’

Theo laughed, loudly. ‘What can I say? She’s...’

‘She’s...?’

‘She’s bloody brilliant!’

‘Bloody brilliant? High praise indeed. How long have you been seeing her?’

‘Three or four weeks.’

Spud roared his laughter. ‘That is funny! I know you know exactly and you’re just trying to sound cool! “Three or four weeks!”’

Theo joined in the laughter. ‘All right, you bastard. Four weeks to the day. Happy now?’

‘Over the bloody moon!’ Spud guffawed. ‘You sound different.’

‘I feel different,’ Theo admitted. He looked up and out of the window. It was a grey day, but thinking of Anna made it feel like sunshine.

‘So it’s pretty serious?’

‘I’d say so.’ He grinned at the understatement. ‘I feel like...’

‘Go on! You feel like...?’

‘I feel like she could be the one.’

‘The one! Jesus, Theo, this is epic news!’

They both chuckled down the line.

‘I’d say Operation Erase Kitty has finally been achieved. Took a little longer than expected, maybe, but we got there in the end.’

‘It’s completely different – real and brilliant and mutual!’

‘So, sex good?’

‘None of your business!’ Theo smiled.

‘That’ll be a “yes” then. Met her folks?’

‘No folks to meet. Both dead and she’s pretty much looked after herself – she’s a tough cookie, got her head screwed on.’

Spud exhaled slowly. ‘Mate, I have to tell you that while that is undoubtedly sad, I have had Kumi’s mum here for the last month, so the thought of hooking up with an orphan is pure genius.’

Theo laughed. ‘That bad?’

‘Worse. I made the mistake of reminding them that Kumi is not ill, just pregnant, and that millions of women give birth every day all over the world.’

Theo chuckled. ‘What did they say to that?’

‘I have no idea, but it was loud and furious and went on for a long time in Japanese. Both of them. In stereo. It might still be going on for all I know. Right now, I’d give my left nut for my wife to be an orphan. I’d give my right nut too, but Kumi already has that one in her purse. My life is over.’

‘And yet you sound decidedly happy, considering your dire circumstances.’

‘I am. Bit scared about the whole becoming a dad thing, but I am happy.’

‘You’re going to be a great dad.’

‘Hope so. My parents keep calling me and asking, “What should we get for’t baby? What do babies eat in Japan?” As if this child is going to arrive a fully fledged Japanese–American baby! They seem to forget that she’s going to be half-Wiganer!’

Theo laughed, picturing the conversations with Ma and Pa Spud. ‘I’m happy too,’ he said, wanting to share this with Spud.

‘Anna must be some girl.’

‘She is, Spud. She gets me and she’s a lot like me, even though we’re from very different worlds. She kind of makes me feel better about stuff.’ He sat forward in the chair.

‘What stuff?’

‘Everything, actually.’

There was a beat or two of silence and Theo knew what was coming next.

‘We joke, but have you told her about Kitty, about... things?’

Theo closed his eyes briefly and felt the weight of the knowledge that he knew had to be shared. It sat in his heel like a sliver of glass that no matter how joyous the day or glorious the view, made its presence known with every step he took. ‘No, not yet. It’s hard to find the right time. It’s a bit of a grenade and I don’t want to spoil things.’

‘I get that, and it’s your call, but I think it’ll be easier if you do it sooner rather than later.’

‘You’re right.’ Theo rubbed his face. ‘Anyway, mate, better crack on. Beer soon?’

‘Yep, beer soon, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t!’

‘Doesn’t sound like you do much at the moment.’ Theo laughed.

‘Oh sod off!’

*

That evening, Theo and Anna sat in uncharacteristic quiet as the cab left the City and headed towards Anna’s studio flat in Fulham. It was there, in her tiny, cupboard-sized space, that they did their courting. Little time was wasted on sleep; instead they laid the foundations for all that might come next. Both were high on what the future might bring.

Theo held her small hand and placed their knot of conjoined fingers on his thigh, where it rested comfortably. Tonight was the night. Spud was right: he had to confide in Anna about his child. But what if she despised him for it? Rejected him because of it? The prospect terrified him. The thought that his time with Anna might be coming to an end sent a shiver of sadness along his spine. His leg jumped with nerves.

They walked quietly up the stairs and into Anna’s flat. Anna reached up to flick the light switch. Theo caught her wrist, knowing it would be easier to have the difficult conversation in the darkness. ‘No, leave the light off, we’ll just have the glow from outside.’

‘I... I don’t like the dark,’ she stammered and his throat tightened.

‘Me neither.’ He laughed. ‘But you’ve got me and I’ve got you, so we don’t have to worry. Not tonight.’

‘I don’t worry, not when I’m with you. I don’t worry about a thing. It’s like everything is great in my world and it’s the first time I’ve ever felt that way and I really like it!’

Theo placed his trembling hands on her face and Anna tilted her head to receive his kiss. ‘I... I feel the same,’ he began, peppering his speech with light kisses on her face. ‘It’s like I know everything is going to be okay, because I’ve got you.’

‘You have got me!’ She beamed, nuzzling her cheek into his palm.

‘There have been times when I was so sad...’ He paused. ‘No, more than sad – depressed. I have lived with depression,’ he said frankly. ‘My last terms at uni, they were hell.’

Go on, Theo, tell her! Tell her about Kitty and the baby! Tell her now! Get it out of the way!

‘Oh, Theo...’ Anna’s voice trembled with compassion and for that Theo loved her more than ever. ‘I’m sad you went through that.’

‘I think I’m still going through it, I don’t think it’s really left me.’ He bit his cheek. ‘It engulfed me, knocked me sideways. I’ve come out of that phase, certainly, but it’s like something that’s always there, lurking just around the corner. I get the feeling it’s never very far away.’

She nodded her understanding.

‘But for the first time, I can see light and I guess that’s why I don’t feel as afraid of the dark.’

She met his gaze. ‘You don’t have to be afraid, not any more.’

Theo nodded. ‘This thing that’s going on with us, Anna...’ He hesitated, wary of being the first to confess to the swell of love in his gut. ‘I don’t know what it is, but it’s...’ He exhaled.

‘I know.’ He could hear her voice smiling into the darkness. ‘It really is.’

They kissed again and stumbled towards the bed at the end of her rather tiny living zone.

He did not want to break what they had – this, the most perfect thing he’d ever been part of. This was not the time to tell her about a child he did not know, would never know; not the time to admit that his weirdness had led to Kitty rejecting him as the father of their child. No, this was the time to carry on falling for each other, for not worrying about a thing. He too had never felt this way about anyone and he too really liked it.

* * *

Theo looked at his reflection in the mirror of the office bathroom and stood tall. He took a deep breath.

‘Would you do me the honour...?’ He stopped. ‘I ask this is in all sincerity...’ He shook his head and coughed to clear his throat. ‘Anna, from this day forth...’ He felt the weight of the occasion, overly aware of the pose, tone and words required for asking this most important of questions. He had of course rehearsed before today, but now he was wondering if he should opt for something less formal. Just make it count, Theo. Do it properly.

It was a mere ten weeks since he’d met Anna Cole in the lift, but he knew with certainty he wanted to propose. Truth was, he’d known after one date and had spent the next few weeks looking for flaws, anything to test his suspicion that she was practically perfect. He shook his arms loose and turned his head until his neck cricked, surprised at how nervous he was. His mouth felt dry and his limbs were trembling.

Supposing she says no? What then?

If she said no, they’d be finished, they’d have to split up – they wouldn’t be able to recover from that. The potential for disaster was significant, and that did nothing to allay his anxiety. He took another deep breath. Tonight, when he popped the question, it could be a beautiful moment; the start of a lifelong love, or it could be the worst of moments, the end of everything.

He could only liken it to standing on a cliff edge.

He entered the coffee shop with the advantage of not being seen and looked across at Anna, the woman he wanted to make his wife. The woman who loved him as no one had ever loved him and surely no one else ever would. The woman who, by loving him as she did, diluted his weirdness, robbed him of the ‘loser’ crown and turned him into the kind of chap that someone might want to marry. Anna made him feel like a man who was capable of becoming a husband.

As if confirmation were needed, her eyes fell upon him and her face lit up. He knew with certainty that there was no one in the world she wanted to see walk into that coffee shop more than him, and it felt amazing to be so wanted. To belong.

‘So where are we going?’ she asked, as, fifteen minutes later they settled into the back seat of a cab.

‘I told you, somewhere special.’ He smiled at her.

‘I don’t know if I’m dressed right.’ She looked down at her work skirt and blouse.

‘Don’t worry. You look perfect.’ He stared out of the window and tried to stem his nerves.

It wasn’t until the cab drove over Hammersmith Bridge that the penny dropped and Anna realised he was breaking the code of a lifetime and was taking a girl back to his home. She looked at him with a knowing expression. He reached for her hand and the two sat quietly, each lost in thought.

For the hundredth time, he ran through in his head the many ways he might propose, wondering if it was absolutely necessary to go down on one knee, wary of making a fool of himself. After all, this would be a night they’d always remember. He swallowed – that thought did nothing to calm his racing pulse.

Theo paid the cab and retook her hand, guiding her along the gravel path, which crunched underfoot.

‘Are you okay?’ he asked, squeezing her fingers tightly.

Anna stared wide-eyed and he saw the grand façade as if though her eyes. She nodded up at him and that was how they stood for a second or two, in acknowledgement of the moment.

‘Here we are.’

‘Yes.’ She bit her lip. ‘Here we are.’

Theo fished in his pocket for his keys and gently pushed open the front door, elated to have finally found the woman he wanted to step over the threshold with.

*

It did indeed turn out to be a night Theo would never forget. Over a bottle of red, Anna talked freely about her life and her losses. There was no denying that to hear her story of losing first her mother and then her brother, Joe, who’d committed suicide, made him feel even more protective of her. And to top it all, she’d only recently discovered that the father she’d never met had also passed away. She talked fearlessly and frankly. Her story might have been too much for some, but for Theo it served only to bind them closer together.

Anna made no attempt to hide her tears. ‘I feel like it’s time,’ she told him, ‘and there is so much I want to say to you. I need you to see me.’

He nodded. ‘I need you to see me too. There is so much I want to say.’ He thumbed the skin on the back of her hand.

‘We are from very different worlds,’ she began.

‘And I thank God for that.’ He leant forward and kissed her gently on the forehead.

‘I’m... I’m weird,’ she managed, pulling away to look him in the eye. ‘I’ve always been weird and I’ve had a weird life. A life I want to tell you about so that I don’t have to worry about revealing it to you bit by bit. I think that’s the best thing, like ripping off a plaster. I need to do it quick.’

Theo pulled her into his chest and held her tightly. ‘Weird? Oh God, Anna, you have no idea...’ He felt a bubble of relief burst inside his head. All these years, the toxicity of his weirdness had formed a barrier that kept other people at arm’s length, and yet with Anna it was the very thing that joined them.

‘I don’t want to be on my own any more!’ She raised her voice. ‘I don’t want to feel like sticks on the river! Like I’m being carried along, clinging on for dear life and hoping I don’t drown.’

‘I’ve got you, Anna. I’ve got you!’

‘I’ve had enough, Theo. I’m tired. I’m so tired of being sad and being scared and lonely! So lonely!’

He kissed the top of her scalp and rocked her until she fell into a sleep of sorts. As she dozed, his confidence soared. They were meant to be together. She had to say ‘yes’!

Later that night, after she’d woken and after more tears, more revelations, and more sadness about her family, her loneliness, Theo blurted out exactly what he was feeling, unplanned and heartfelt.

‘I love you, Anna. I love you.’

‘I love you too. I do, I really love you!’

They fell against each other, laughing, giddy in the moment.

‘I always think you get the people in your life that you’re meant to. I think we’re meant to get each other.’ Anna smiled.

‘I think you’re right. Two weirdos together!’

‘Yes! Two weirdos with the lights left on.’

‘I think...’ Theo paused and reached for her hands, taking them both into his own. ‘I think we’ll get married and live here, together, just like this.’

This was very far from the formal proposal he’d practised so nervously and so many times, but it was no less perfect for it.

Anna couldn’t halt the flow of tears that ran down her cheeks. ‘Yes, Theo. I think we will get married and live here, together, just like this.’

Slowly he stood, pulled her up and guided her by the hand towards the staircase, towards a different life.

*

The next morning, as he came downstairs, he could hear Anna singing in the kitchen. He smiled. She was a little off key and hadn’t quite got the words right. ‘The things you do for love. The things you do for love!’

She was dressed in nothing more than his shirt and socks, and he stood in the doorway watching her fill the kettle, seek out teabags, rummage in the bread bin for a loaf and open several drawers and cupboards until she located butter knives, teaspoons and jam.

It was only when she turned to walk to the fridge that she saw him. She started. ‘Oh! Theo!’ She placed her hand on her chest. ‘I was just trying to make breakfast. Is that okay?’ She blinked, walked over and kissed his mouth.

‘Of course it’s okay. It’s great.’ He took a seat at the kitchen table and watched her navigate her way around the room, thinking how brilliant that he would be waking every day for the rest of his life in her lovely company. ‘I feel smug.’

‘Me too.’ She raised her shoulders and his eyes fell on her exposed thighs as the shirt rode up. She walked over and leant against him, kissing his forehead. It was as if she couldn’t stop. He understood this constant desire for contact. It was new and exhilarating.

‘Smug and peaceful.’ He rested his hand on her bottom.

‘And engaged!’ She pulled a wide-mouthed grin and raised her eyebrows. ‘Can you believe it?’

‘Actually, yes, I can.’ He chuckled. ‘I’d planned what I wanted to say and everything – but then all my plans flew out the window and I got nervous and the words kind of tumbled out on a stream of red wine.’

‘I wouldn’t have had it any other way. It was perfect.’ She carried on with her tea making, only returning to the table when she had two steaming mugs.

She took a seat opposite and held her tea in both hands. ‘Do you know, I always wondered who I might marry. I think lots of little girls do and it feels strange that now I’ve found out. I mean, I hoped it would be you—’

‘Did you?’

‘Yes, from the first time I met you, I hoped it would be you, but now I know it is and it’s wonderful!’

Theo couldn’t stop grinning. He had never felt this special before – ever.

‘I wish my mum had met you.’ Anna sat very still.

‘Would she have approved?’ he asked cautiously.

Anna shook her head. ‘Now that’s a daft question. She would have loved whoever loved me of course.’

Theo wished he had the same level of certainty about his own folks. ‘Well, my mum and dad are a bit challenging at times.’ He smirked at the understatement, wanting to manage her expectations.

‘In what way?’ She blew on her drink to cool it.

Theo swallowed. ‘They’re quite selfish, preoccupied with their social lives. And I guess the older I get, the more I question the way they parented me. I was desperately unhappy at school and they did nothing about it. It would have made my life easier if they’d taken more of an interest or given more of a shit.’

Anna reached out and laid her hand on his. ‘I hate to think of you being unhappy. I absolutely hate it. I wish I’d been your friend. I would have loved you then too. Especially when you were depressed, Theo.’

‘Thank you.’ He kissed her fingers, swallowing his guilt; he had to tell her about Kitty...

‘And if you get low again, I’ll be by your side,’ she offered softly. ‘Sometimes it’s enough just to know you’re not going to have to face things alone, don’t you find?’

Theo’s smile was unstoppable as, yet again, realisation dawned that she’d said ‘yes’!

‘I sometimes think, though, that the rougher you have it, the more you appreciate the good stuff – almost like the nice bits are a reward.’ She continued sipping her tea.

‘That’s a good way to look at things. I find it hard to rationalise. My parents used to act like every day was a party and the world was sharing a joke that I simply didn’t get. But whenever I tried to explain how I felt, Mum and Dad would just laugh, as if I was making a fuss about nothing, as if I was the problem. The onus was always on me to fit in, not on them to help me fit in or give me guidance.’ He smiled ruefully. ‘I could have done with my mum teaching me the alphabet game like yours did, to distract me from my loneliness. It might have helped me get to sleep better those nights in the dorm at school. A... appalling parents! B... bloody awful school... Is that sort of thing allowed?’ He shot her a cheeky grin.

Anna giggled and shook her head in mock despair. Then her expression turned serious. ‘You’re not the problem, Theo! You’re wonderful! I think you’re very brave to be so open about what you’ve been through. And it means a lot. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us. It’s important.’

He held her gaze, letting her words permeate and feeling his shoulders sag under the weight of the secret he carried. He took a deep breath.

‘There is something I would like to tell you.’ He gulped his tea and placed it down with a trembling hand.

‘Go on.’ She nodded encouragingly.

His heart was galloping. He exhaled. ‘I’m not like my dad.’ As soon as the words were out, he felt a punch of sickness in his gut, because he was like his dad! They had both fathered children and swept them under the carpet, unmentioned, a source of shame... He felt his face flash with heat and the room swam a little. ‘He has often been unfaithful to my mum, including with a much younger girl, a kind of nanny to me during one summer holiday, when I was fourteen.’

‘Shit!’

‘Yes.’ He sat tall in the seat. He felt a strange sense of relief that the truth still lay hidden, out of harm’s way and unable to damage what they had, the love they shared. But there was also guilt that he was letting her down, already defaulting on her ‘no secrets’ request. He wiped the corners of his mouth and sat forward. ‘I tried to tell my mum that I’d support her and look after her, but she just laughed! And then she more or less told me that I was irrelevant to her and that no matter what my dad did, she would always pick him.’

‘Oh my God, Theo!’ Anna raced around the table and laid his head on her chest, holding him tightly and rocking him slightly. It was the most sincere and wonderful hold he had ever known. ‘You’ve carried a lot inside you and you’ve had a shit time, but you know what? You’ve got me now and I love you so very much and I always will and we’re getting married! And everything is going to be wonderful!’ She kissed him hard on the face.

He nodded and inhaled the scent of her. ‘Yes, it is. It’s going to be wonderful.’

‘I look at this wonderful house, Theo, and I know it will be the most incredible place to bring up our children. Not because of how grand it is, but because we live in it and we will never let our children cry themselves to sleep and they will always know how much they are loved. I can see us eating family suppers around the table where we can all chat about our days without fear of ridicule or rejection. A safety net, a proper family! It’s more than I ever thought I could hope for. Mrs Theodore Montgomery!’ She laughed.

‘Mrs Theodore Montgomery,’ he echoed. Theo swallowed the uneasy feeling that despite how much he loved this girl, the proper family she yearned for was still something that felt beyond his capabilities.

*

Later that morning, while Anna was luxuriating in the bath, Theo sat down at the desk in his study. He couldn’t stop thinking about Anna’s alphabet game. He loved this quirk about her, the fact that anyone else would simply let their thoughts tumble, but not Anna: she took control and played the alphabet game, working her way through the letters until mental equilibrium was restored. He flipped open the lid of his vintage pen box, selected a pen and wrote ‘A’ to ‘Z’ in a column down the left-hand side of a fresh sheet of paper. He laughed, wondering what Spud would make of him doing this exercise. With his pen poised, he thought of all the things he loved about Anna, his Anna, Anna who was going to be his wife!

A...

He looked at the window and pictured the girl he loved, before writing in a bold script:

Here we go, Anna, my first ever attempt at the alphabet game...

A... Anna

B... beautiful.

C... courageous. So much more courageous than me.

D... determined.

E... eager.

F... funny.

G... gorgeous.