6. When we hung on every moment
Summer’s end
Tommy
“It’s just that I want to feel closer to you.”
She looks at me with wide baby blue eyes and a sexy pout, long blonde hair framing her Miss-America face. Jenna’s pretty. Gorgeous, even. And so fucking into me it’s almost a crime. Any guy would consider himself the luckiest in the world to have a girl like Jenna looking at him this way… and pleading to get closer. Any guy but me.
I wish the eyes that were looking at me were coffee brown and intense—Vinny’s eyes. That’s all there is to it.
“But your parents are home… it wouldn’t be cool if they walked in on us.” I’m full of excuses.
“Don’t worry—they’re upstairs in bed.”
“Your father has extrasensory perception whenever I’m alone with his ‘little girl’.”
Jenna sighs because she knows I’m right. “Then let’s go somewhere we can be alone. I’ll let you drive my car.”
I untangle my body from hers and rise from her living room couch. “I think it’s time I head home.” My bike is leaning against her garage door. I wish I was already peddling, speeding down the street with the wind in my hair.
She grabs my wrist, her fingers sliding beneath my bracelet, and tries to pull me down, but I don’t go. “You don’t want me, do you?”
It sucks when I have to tell her she’s wrong. To do it, I need to lie, which goes against my code of honor. A code of honor that has pretty much disintegrated into dust and blown away in the summer breeze. “Jenna, sweetie, I know how much your… your virtue means to you. And I’m not going to compromise it in a moment of weakness.”
She sighs again. “God will understand.”
“We both know it isn’t the right time for us to get close in that way.” I can’t even believe what I’m about to say. “It’s sinful to do that stuff before we’re… well, you know.”
Jenna stands, grasps my shoulders, and tries like hell to meet my gaze, but I stare steadfastly at the rug on the floor behind her. When she tightens her grip, I finally give in and peer into her eyes. “Before we get married.”
Her voice is husky, emotional. And I’m reminded of something Vinny said: Jenna’s feelings are at risk here too. I look away, feeling like the cheating piece of shit I am. I’m just not sure which one of them I’m cheating on. Both of them, I guess.
“We’re only eighteen. There’s plenty of time for all of that.” I step back. “Now, walk me to the door.”
We hold hands as we head to the front door, and together we step outside. Onto the stairs in front of her house, where this sham of a relationship started on prom night. Jenna drapes her arms around my shoulders, and I wrap mine around her waist.
“Thanks for taking me to the movies. I just wish we could have gone for ice cream afterward.”
“Sorry. I was stuffed from eating so much popcorn,” I lie. I can’t bear to eat ice cream at the Wynne Creamery with anyone but Vinny.
“Maybe next time.” She gazes up into my eyes. I’m compelled to gaze back.
The time has come. I brush her hair out of her eyes and deliver the kiss I’ve avoided all night. I lean down and brush my lips against hers.
“One more, Tom… Please just one more kiss.” Her grasp on my neck is tight. It almost hurts, but not in the good way like when Vinny squeezes me a little bit too hard.
I do as she requests. This time I close my eyes and lift my hand to caress her cheek. I want so desperately to feel the way I feel when I kiss Vinny.
Please, God, make me want this... make me want her.
My prayer goes unanswered, which doesn’t surprise me. I’m not so on board with the whole “seek and ye shall find” thing these days. All I know is what my gut tells me: being with Jenna is so incredibly wrong. Her face is smooth where I long to feel stubble. Her hips are soft and curved where I yearn to feel the taut stretching of muscle.
The only person I want to kiss and touch and risk my eternal soul for is home alone in his bed right now. Where I wish I could be. Where I belong.
“Good night, Jenna.” I have to push her very slightly to extricate myself from her embrace. “I’ll give you a call tomorrow.” I race down the stairs and grab my bike and can finally breath freely when I’m peddling down the street, heading away from her house.
◆◆◆
“I thought maybe Vinny could come over and hang out some night. I… um… bumped into him at the Wynne Creamery the other day, and we chatted for a while, and he said… that he misses you guys. So…”
Mom and Dad exchange those meaningful parental glances, and Mom even shakes her head.
“Pass the mashed potatoes, Tom.” I hold my breath, as Dave isn’t as quiet about his feelings on the topic of the Buccis. He never quite accepted the unexplained breakup of our families and is liable to say anything. “And Mom, I want to see Vinny too. The kid was like a third brother until the spring. I miss him.”
Dave looks at MJ for support, but he keeps his mouth shut.
“How does Jenna feel about this?” Mom asks after dabbing her lips with her napkin.
“How the hell should I know?” I ask. It’s none of Jenna’s business who I hang out with.
“Thomas Matthew Stecker! Language!” Dad practically bursts at the seams. “Apologize to your mother.”
“Sorry… sorry, Mom. What I mean is, I figure Jenna doesn’t care who I play video games with.”
“But it will mean less time for you two to spend together.”
Since Dad and MJ are clearly not going to come to my aid, Dave speaks up again. “Tom and Jenna see every movie known to mankind together… not to mention going to church every Sunday. But they aren’t married.”
“Yet,” MJ blurts out. “And you should be so lucky, Tom. Jenna’s hot.”
I’ve had about enough meatloaf and mashed potatoes for tonight. “May I be excused?”
“But Mom and Dad never answered your question,” Dave points out.
After exchanging another one of those glances, Mom says, “Fine. Vince can come over some night after work. Or maybe for a couple of hours on Sunday afternoon.”
“Thanks.” I force feed myself another forkful of potatoes. “Great dinner, Mom.” I smile, but not because dinner is so fantastic. Aunt Gina was the cook in our family. I smile because my plan to get Vinny, and hopefully the Buccis, back into our lives is off the ground.
Maybe what is broken can be fixed. And then things can go back to normal.
It’ll be me and Vinny again.
◆◆◆
It’s clear to me that my parents are just tolerating Vinny. I wonder if it’s as clear to him. I don’t do anything to distract him from it, though. He appears to be having fun.
Thanks to an early August heat wave, the family is hanging out in the backyard by the pool. Big pitchers of lemonade and sugar cookies from the Sweets and Stuff Bakery in downtown Wynne are placed artfully on the picnic table on the sundeck, which may seem welcoming, but it tells me that Vinny is not welcome to stay for dinner.
Lemonade, cookies, and a quick swim—then get the hell out of here… please. My parents have always been obsessed with good manners.
Mom and Dad sit on the deck watching us swim. They haven’t asked Vinny questions about how his summer is going or if he has started packing for school. They offer him stiff I-can’t-wait-for-you-to-leave smiles every time he looks their way.
MJ, Dave, Vinny, and I spend Sunday afternoon almost entirely in the pool. It reminds me of old times, except that Dee’s not floating on the blow-up whale. And we’re not constantly trying to sink her. And Aunt Gina and Uncle Paul aren’t sitting on the edge of the pool with Mom and Dad, soaking their feet.
“So you’re off to Stephenson College in the fall?” Dave asks Vinny.
“Well, I’m leaving at the end of August for pre-season.”
“Oh, yeah. Of course.”
“You’ve only got a week or so left of summer before you leave for soccer camp, right Tom?” Leave it to MJ to bring up the sensitive news I haven’t yet shared with Vinny.
Vinny’s eyes get wide.
“Our Guardian College camp starts on the fifteenth.” I speak in a monotone hoping that it will help keep both Vinny and me calm.
“That’s next Sunday!” Vinny’s bark is shrill. His alarm catches my parents’ attention.
Dad comes to the edge of the pool. “And sweet Jenna will follow you there two weeks later. Do you think you’ll make it that long without seeing her, son?”
Vinny dives into the water, probably trying to avoid my answer. “I’ll be fine, Dad,” I say quickly.
I glance at MJ, who seems to get pissed off lately whenever Jenna’s name comes up in conversation. It’s like he’s jealous, or something. And then I look at Dave. He’s studying my expression carefully, and I suspect that he realizes it’s more than just fun and games between Vinny and me. I shiver.
“Boys, why don’t you get out of the pool and dry off? It’s time for your snack.” I swear she still thinks we’re in kindergarten. Mom grabs a bunch of towels from the plastic bin beside the grill. “We wouldn’t want to spoil your appetite for dinner, would we? Cook out tonight with the Moores!”
Vinny rubs the water out of his eyes. At least, I think it’s just water. I hope it’s just water.
I swim over to him before obeying Mom’s directive. I lean in closer than I should and whisper, “Remember—the Moores don’t mean anything. Only you and me matter.” And then I swim back to the stairs and step out of the pool.
I don’t glance back to see if he’s coming. It’d kill me to watch as he does his damned best to fake that he doesn’t care. I grab a towel from Mom’s hands and head to the deck for cookies and lemonade I have no interest in.
Vinny shows up at the picnic table wrapped in one of Mom’s floral pool towels. “Thanks for the great afternoon at the pool, um, Sheila and Michael. But I can’t stay for cookies. I’m supposed to mow the lawn before dark.” He leaves off the “Aunt” part. I don’t blame him, and Mom doesn’t bat an eyelash.
“Well, it was nice to see you, young man. Best of luck in college.” Dad reaches over the table to shake his hand. Vinny seems sort of shell-shocked as he complies.
“Yes, Vince. And maybe we’ll bump into you over Thanksgiving break… you know, at Wynne Academy, for the football game.”
I’m now as shell-shocked as Vinny because it hits me that the next time I’ll see him, after this week, will be at Thanksgiving.
Dave steps up to the table at just the right moment. “Hey, Vinny, you should go to the airport with Mom and Dad and Tom on Sunday. You can see him off.”
“I think Jenna will want to do that, Dave,” Mom replies.
“Jenna’s gonna be with Tom all semester. Vinny should be the one to see him off,” Dave insists with a wide smile that I find overly innocent.
“That’s a great idea, Dave!” I turn to Vinny, “Are you busy next Sunday?”
He shakes his head slowly. “I don’t think so.”
“Then it’s a plan… Come on, dude. I’ll walk you to your car.” I hang my towel over the railing and Vin does the same. He grabs his T-shirt and slips his feet into his flip flops and we head around the side of the house.
When we get to his car, I know the time has come to explain. “Sorry I didn’t tell you.”
He opens the driver door but doesn’t get in. “About you leaving in a week?”
I nod. “I don’t want to leave you.”
He shrugs. “Well, we knew this was coming.”
“It’s gonna be okay. We’ll Skype each other all the time and…”
Vinny gulps, and it’s really loud. He’s fighting tears.
I slide my finger underneath his friendship bracelet, even though I’m sure Mom is peering at us from inside the house. His skin is still cool from the pool. He feels so good I don’t pull my hand away. “Can I come over tonight? You know, late. Like after ten…”
He shrugs again, but then he says, “If you come at eleven my parents will be in bed. You can come inside without them knowing. And you can, you know, stay over.”
“Yeah... I’ll be there. Just watch for me. I won’t knock or anything.” I force myself to yank my hand from his wrist.
Vinny drops into the driver’s seat. “See ya tonight.” He pulls his sunglasses out from beneath the visor, sticks them on, and backs out of the driveway.
◆◆◆
“I’m gonna come here every night this week,” I profess as I sink into Vinny’s bed. “That cool with you?”
Vinny’s acting colder than usual, like maybe he’s trying to pretend that our upcoming separation isn’t killing him. Like it’s killing me. “I guess.”
“You don’t want me to come?”
He sighs. “You know I do. It’s just… this sucks.”
“We’ve gotta make the most of every second together.” I’m pleading.
He slides down beside me. “I don’t think I can stand being apart from you.”
I have nothing to say to that. So I grab his head and pull him into a kiss. As always, Vinny takes over. It’s as if he’s trying to prove how much he cares with his body. And I love it. I feel his love most when he takes over like this.
“I’m wanna put my mouth on every inch of your body…” His promise is delivered in barely a whisper, but I still believe it. Our chests are already bare, so he drags my shorts and boxers down my legs and pushes them into the blankets. “I want to taste every inch, so I can think about it when we’re apart.”
“Then do it.”
He crawls over me and bends so that his lips are on my neck.
“Give me a hickey,” I say. “Seriously, I want one.”
Vinny shakes his head. “I’ll give you one on the day before you leave.” He bites me gently, and adds, “You’ll wear my mark to camp.” He’s no longer whispering.
“Yeah… yeah.” He drags his tongue down to my chest and sucks on my nipple like he’s starving. I close my eyes, and he moves to my other side, again sucking on me like I’m a McDonald’s thick shake. I tingle everywhere, including inside my head—I feel so needed. When I can take it no more I let out a loud gasp, and then he drops tiny kisses over the rest of my chest. Vinny tears his teeth into my tangle of hairs, lower and lower, and when he reaches my belly button sinks his tongue inside.
“You’re mine, Tommy. Mine—no forgetting it,” Vinny rasps. As soon as I nod, he dives down but bypasses my dick, and the kisses begin on the top of my thigh. They morph into a serious tongue bath as he trails his parted lips down my leg, all the way to my ankle. I’ve never experienced anything so intense. I can hardly handle the sensation, but I don’t want it to end.
When he starts on the sole of my foot, though, I struggle to get away. He stops what he’s doing and utters, “No. Tommy. I’m taking what I want. You… you stay still.”
Vinny rests one hand firmly on my knee to calm me as he holds my foot in the other and takes my toes one by one into his mouth. I fight not to squirm as his tongue encircles each one, and my dick stiffens more by the second. But it isn’t next on his agenda. I’m a touch disappointed, and at the same time I want this moment to proceed exactly as Vinny intends. He applies the same torture to my other leg and foot before kneeling between my legs.
Vin delivers his next message between heavy breaths, “Nobody can do this to you but me.” He drops his open mouth over my dick, and I’m surrounded by wet heat and the sure knowledge that I don’t want to be between any other human being’s lips. Ever.
It’s as if the heady combination of enthusiasm and ownership have translated into exceptional ability, because what Vinny does to me feels like he’s been doing it all his life. He slides his mouth up and down me, over and over, and when my breathing grows heavy, he pulls back to watch my face, letting his hands do the work. Actually, he studies my expression, like it’s as important to him as my physical pleasure. When I get close and start pushing up into his mouth, he slows me down, and breathes, “Not yet, Tommy, not yet,” and my ass sinks back onto the bed.
“I need to come.” After a few more minutes of this treatment, I find myself begging. “Please Vinny… bring me off.”
And he goes to town. When my balls get tight he cups them in his palm and sucks me all the way in. I fill his mouth as he hums with pleasure.
Have I told him that I love him? Have I ever spoken those words?
They’re on my lips, but I hold back and instead say, “I want to do it to you.”
He pulls his mouth off and tells me, “Not yet.” Then he flips me over and lavishes attention on the nape of my neck and my back.
I can’t miss his erection; it pokes my ass, and I realize that somewhere along the way he lost his shorts, and all I can think of is getting him into my mouth. But Vinny’s in charge, so I ask, “Can I… can I please you now?”
“You please me just by being in my bed.”
At his words, a chill shoots up my spine. “You know what I mean.” I struggle to turn over, but he holds me in place, flat on my belly.
“Who do you belong to?” he asks, his voice scratchy.
“I belong to you, Vinny.” It’s God’s honest truth.
“For how long?” he persists.
“Forever,” I admit and sigh.
He helps me to turn over, and when I face him, he says, “For always.”
“Climb up me again. I want you… in my mouth.” I can hardly believe I just asked for that so directly. But I did, and I’m glad.
This time he voices no protest. He stretches forward to place a pillow beneath my head and then shimmies up my body until I’m face to face with his dick.
“I want you so bad.” I lift my hands to his chest and run my fingers back and forth through the dark hair there. He pushes into my mouth.
As Vinny establishes his rhythm, moving in and out smoothly, I surrender to him. I again silently admit that I’ll be his forever, no matter where life forces us to go. And despite what my parents compel me to do to please them, I’ll still belong to Vinny. Nobody in the world can fill me and fulfill me as does my best friend, my soul mate, my lover. What’s strange is I find myself crying as he lets go in my mouth, because I know that something this precious can’t survive in the real world… but only in my wildest dreams.
I squeeze his ass, so he doesn’t pull out; I’m not ready for this intense intimacy to be over. I’m so damned afraid of what’s to come.
“Don’t let me go, Tommy,” Vinny murmurs.
I squeeze tighter knowing that I won’t be able to hang on to him for much longer.
Because we both know I’m a slave to doing what is expected of me.
I cry some more.
◆◆◆
“I’m so glad we decided to do this,” I say.
Vinny glances at me and smiles. It’s kind of a sad smile, and I can relate.
We both called in sick to our jobs today. I actually called out of work on my very last day. But now we’re officially not expected to be at the rec center or kiddie soccer camp. And my parents don’t expect me to be at home. And Jenna… I hope she doesn’t stop by the gym looking for me and then go to my house to find out where I am, but I’ll deal with that if it happens.
As far as I’m concerned, I’m off the clock today. Feeling torn is off the clock too.
This day with Vinny is too important to miss. I might be Mr. Do-the-Right-Thing most of the time, but I’m giving that the day off too—today is all about being myself and being with Vinny. And it’s worth it even if there’s a risk my parents might find out.
We decided to head north. It was either the beach or the mountains and the mountains won. Thankfully we got a beautiful warm day, not too hot, with only a few clouds in the sky.
“What happens in the mountains stays in the mountains.” I figure a wisecrack will bring out one of Vin’s genuine smiles, but it doesn’t. So I add, “Dude, it’ll be okay.” I’m not sure if I’m lying.
We drive in silence with the sun roof open and the windows all down—Vin doesn’t even put music on with his iPod. He probably figures that lyrics to our favorite songs will make us think, and today isn’t a day to do too much of that. Just the breeze… That’s all we’re listening to.
We finally get to our destination: a semi-secret trail in the White Mountains that leads to a rocky river. We only know about it because our families came here together a few summers ago. The plan is to hike to a sandy spot, set up camp, strip to our shorts, bake on the rocks, and then freeze our asses off in the mountain stream. And to repeat this until the sun sinks in the sky.
Somehow our silence isn’t awkward. But it’s full like a dark raincloud hanging overhead on a sunny day. We know that it’s going to burst and unload on us—maybe pellets of rain, maybe hail. But by the time this day has come to its end, the cloud will have disappeared, and we’ll be wondering about tomorrow’s weather. Will we be scarred by hail stones? That’s yet to be determined.
The hike is short, and we’re glad we don’t meet any other tourists on the path. This is our last day together and we don’t want to share it with anyone. Not even strangers.
When we find a sandy spot near the river, Vinny says, “How about over there?”
It’s secluded from the path by a patch of bushes and nearby there are huge granite rocks, smoothed by time, that we can stretch out on.
“Looks good to me,” I reply and drop my backpack as soon as I reach the sand. Vinny finds a shady place for the cooler that’s filled with sandwiches and chips from a sub shop and plenty of drinks from a gas station store.
The hot rocks feel amazing beneath us as we lie close beside each other, holding hands. Neither of us has said much to this point, but the time for talking has arrived.
“We need to talk.” I go with the direct approach.
Vinny yawns as if this is no big deal. “What’s there to say?”
“A lot.”
“That you’re leaving to go to Chicago in two days’ time. To a Christian college where a relationship like ours is forbidden. And you’re going with your girlfriend who wants to get married and have one of your blond babies by sophomore year.”
“Yeah. And you’re leaving in ten days for your school. Where there will be plenty of other people to interest you. And you’re not even gay… or so you say. Your temptations will come in male and female forms.”
“You know the only one I can see is you.” Vinny squeezes my hand.
“Same for me.”
“Does Jenna know this?”
What can I say? Jenna thinks our relationship is solid. She thinks I respect her too much to make a move on her beyond kissing. She’s seriously mistaken, though it’s no fault of her own. “She doesn’t matter.”
Vinny’s too smart to debate me on this subject. Instead he sighs; the sound twists my heart.
“Let’s make a plan for how we can stay in touch.” I move on to a more positive topic. “I need to communicate with you. Like every day.”
“Then you should’ve applied to Stephenson College. We could’ve been roommates.”
“I did apply to Stephenson.”
Vinny sits up. “You did what?”
I lift my upper body onto my elbows and we stare at each other. “I was accepted. Even without being scouted for soccer. I just sent in an application without telling anybody.”
“Really?”
“I wanted to go there with you. It… it just didn’t work out that way.”
I’m not sure if he’s going to be pleased or pissed off. But he flops down on top of me and hugs me tight, and I know he’s touched. “That makes me… feel so good.”
“I’ve always wanted to be where you are, Vin.”
He pushes his chest up off me like he’s doing a pushup. “Let’s figure out how we can still be each other’s while we’re hundreds of miles apart.” He winks at me, and I know he’s going to be okay.
I don’t know if I’m going to be okay, though.
For the next hour we sit on the rock with crossed legs and talk about the beauty of snail mail and Facebook Messenger and Skype and texting and emails. And how fucking amazing it will be when we come home for Thanksgiving. Just before we go for a swim, I say, “Come with me. I’ve got something for you.”
I climb down the rock with Vinny behind me and spread out a towel on the rocky sand. “Sit here for a second.”
Vin drops his ass onto the towel, and I grab my backpack. I pull out a white office envelope and hand it to him. “You’re giving me a pile of cash?” he asks when he opens it.
“Yup—I saved all my private fitness training tips from the rec center. It’s for airfare. I figure that sometime this fall you can come see me in Chicago.”
“What about our soccer schedules?”
“Neither of us have games on Columbus Day weekend.” I can’t stop my grin. “I already checked.”
“You know what, Tommy? I don’t care if I miss a practice. I’ll find a way to get there… Thanks so much.” He stands and hugs me fiercely. We don’t let each other go until we hear voices on the path coming toward us.
“Let’s go for a swim,” I suggest.
Vinny doesn’t let go of my hands until the hikers are almost on top of us.
◆◆◆
The rest of the afternoon is truly bittersweet. We splash and dunk each other in the frigid water and then hold hands as we lie on a smooth hot rock. For lunch, we find a high peak with a great view of the mountain in the distance. No Italian sub ever tasted better than that one. We hike a few miles on the path beside the river and find our original sandy spot, which we marked with the cooler, on the way back. We swim in the river one more time. This is the sweet part.
And I study Vinny as he stands in the river. He’s deeply tanned and so in shape from all the summer soccer and lifting he’s done lately. I wouldn’t call him bulky. Like me, he’s slim and wiry. I can see the definition of the muscles in his chest and back, and I make a mental note to explore every last one of them with my tongue tonight. It will be our last night together in his bed.
The bitter part comes when it hits me like a ton of bricks to my gut: tonight’s the last night I’ll sleep with my head on his chest until Columbus Day, at least. And that’s if I can find a way to get him alone when he comes to visit.
I can’t cry. It wouldn’t be fair. The distance between us is of my own making. I refused to stand up to my mother—I let my future unfold as she wanted it. I need to be strong for Vinny because I’m to blame for our pain. I’ll prove to him with my coolness that we can do this. We can survive our separation.
He turns and finds me staring. I don’t stop, though. I can’t drag my eyes from his perfect face: his coffee eyes framed with long, dark lashes Dee always says she’d kill for; his lips just slightly full; his jaw chiseled beneath a few days of stubble. Near-black hair, longer than usual, wet, and pushed off his face. He’s everything I find beautiful. And my gaze has tied him to me with an invisible string.
“You know what they say, Tommy… take a picture.”
“It’ll last longer.” I smile because we used to say stupid shit like this when we were kids.
We come together in the rushing water, and I grab his hands and pull them to my chest. “I’m going to miss you so fucking much.”
And this time Vinny calms me. “We’re gonna be okay in the end. I promise.”