9. When we learned what family means
Thanksgiving break
Vinny
I offered to save Tommy’s parents the trip, but they insisted on picking him up at the airport. I show up there too, because I can’t wait another second to see him. I’m not here to out him. Just to welcome my best friend home.
It’s kind of weak, but I crouch behind a huge potted plant and watch as Sheila and Michael greet Tommy at the base of the escalator. He’s still thin, but not quite as skinny as he was when I went to visit him in October. His hair is long and a little curly at the ends; it reminds me of when he didn’t cut it for the entire soccer season senior year.
No hugs or kisses pass between the Steckers, which is the complete opposite of how Mom and Dad greeted me. When I pulled the Volvo in the driveway last night, my folks were pretty much glued to me, and it hadn’t been that long—they’d seen me at all my home games.
Sheila’s hands go straight to her hips once Tommy’s in spitting distance, and she seems to start lecturing him before she even says hello. Michael points at Tommy and continues to blast him when Sheila is finished. My guess is they know he broke up with Jenna by now, and that he never rejoined the soccer team. They’re less than thrilled with him on both accounts. Tommy told me on the phone last night he plans to let them know he isn’t returning to Our Guardian second semester over Thanksgiving Break. Then he has to break it to them that he’s already sent in a transfer application to Stephenson College. They aren’t going to be happy with that either.
As the group heads to the baggage carousel, Tommy trailing behind them, I trot across the terminal, and grasp him by the shoulder. “Hey, T. I couldn’t not be here to welcome my best friend home,” I say after he jumps in surprise.
The look of relief on his face is intense. And I’m relieved that his reaction to seeing me here in front of his parents isn’t anger or annoyance or “what the hell are you doing here, dude?” In fact, he drops his carry-on bag and hugs me.
“Thanks for showing up, Vin.”
“I had to,” I murmur in his ear. I fight the urge to rub his shoulders and slide my greedy hands down his back. “I couldn’t stand knowing you were back in New Hampshire and I didn’t welcome you.”
I want to kiss him; my lips burn with need. I can’t do it. Not yet. But soon.
“Vince. What are you doing here?” Sheila asks.
Nice greeting. “Just came to say hi to Tommy. And… to you guys too.”
Sheila and Michael exchange a glance. “Well, it makes no sense for all of us to be down here,” Michael adds.
Too late, I think. I’m already here.
“I’m glad Vinny came to meet me. I’ve missed him.” Tommy’s voice doesn’t shake a bit.
Another exchanged parental glance; this one shows irritation. And they don’t even know about our secret October visit. “Well, we may as well get his bags,” Sheila says.
Tommy and I dawdle behind his parents. “Are you ready for this?” I ask.
“Telling them about me—and about us?”
“Yeah.”
“As ready as I can be, I guess. They’ve already lectured me about breaking Jenna’s heart and disappointing them in soccer. What’s one more let down for Mom and Dad?” He stares straight ahead as he speaks—it gives me the bad kind of goosebumps. It’s as if he’s disconnecting, even of only slightly. And this is why I haven’t allowed my heart to go to the same place it was last summer. I have to keep myself safe, especially when I see him trying to keep himself safe.
“I’m gonna take off, Tommy. I just came to say hi.” I stop walking, which forces Tommy to stop too. “Your parents can take it from here.” If he can’t handle coming out to his parents, and telling them about me, it isn’t going to work.
“I don’t want you to go,” he says in a squeaky tone, and I see the same desperation in his eyes that I saw on our visit in October.
“Call me later. We can go see if the Wynne Creamery is open.”
He nods. “I missed you so fucking badly.”
“I missed you too.” I reach out to shake his hand, which is such a lame thing to do, but his parents are watching so a loving embrace is out of the question. I see the bracelet tied around his wrist, and I smile. “Later, okay?”
“Yeah, later.”
◆◆◆
My parents don’t want to let me go, and even Dee is kind of clingy, but I tell them I’m picking Tommy up to go for ice cream, and they all smile. I’ve never spelled it out, but I think they know something is up with Tommy and me, and they’re cool with it. Dee is probably only cool with it because I seem happier now than I was before I left for school. She’s still pretty pissed off at the entire Stecker clan.
The split second I pull into his driveway, Tommy bolts out the door. “Hey dude.” He hops into the Volvo.
“Hey. Nothing like heavy rain the day before Thanksgiving. The field is gonna be soaking tomorrow.” Small talk. There’s nothing like it when you don’t know what to say.
But Tommy isn’t in the small talk mood. “Drive.”
I back out of the driveway and pull away with a mini screech. “What’s the hurry?”
“I want us to talk to them tonight.”
“Tonight? That could make for an awkward Thanksgiving dinner for your family tomorrow.”
“I don’t give a fuck. I need to tell them the truth.”
He really hasn’t done too much of that in the past, so his sudden need is perplexing. “Why is this so urgent?”
“Well, I don’t have to worry about the Jenna thing. She and MJ are a thing now.”
“Oh, wow. You cool with that?”
“Of course I am—I’m happy for them. But I’m sure she told him about me… and us.”
“And are you cool with that?”
“I just need to tell Mom and Dad. Then the worrying will be over. It’ll be a done deal and the ball, well, you know, it’ll be in their court.”
I can’t stop myself. I pull off to the side of the road near the end of the street and pull him against me. “You seriously need a hug.”
“And a kiss.”
“I agree.” I don’t dive in like I really want to. I let the kiss happen naturally, but Tommy is needy. In a split second he’s unbuckled and mostly in my lap, and we’re making out like there’s no tomorrow.
“I love you, Vinny…” Comes out on a breath, and more kissing.
I can’t help but get lost in it. Looks like I’m every bit as needy for him as he is for me and holding back the fullness of my feelings has been hard. It’s not my true nature. “Tommy… soon… we’ll be together soon.”
There’s a sharp series of knocks on the driver’s side window, right behind my head.
We jolt apart like a couple of guilty kids stealing dollars out of the tip jar and turn in unison to see who’s there. I expect to see a cop, but it’s Tommy’s father. I force myself to roll down the window.
Michael stares past me to Tommy. “Get out of the car this instant, Thomas.”
It feels like a moment of truth. Tommy slides out of my lap and into the passenger seat. For a few seconds, he stares out the windshield, his hand over his mouth as if he’s in shock.
“I told you to get out of the car!” Michael repeats, but this time he’s yelling.
And Tommy does. He seems to float right out of the car and toward the Steckers’ Suburban that’s parked in front of me. Sheila stands in the rain beside it, her face in her hands.
“Tommy? You’re actually going with them?” It’s my voice I hear, but I don’t remember deciding to speak.
And it’s as if Tommy’s in another world. He doesn’t even close the Volvo’s passenger door when he slips out. My eyes follow along as he sort of drifts through the rain, right past his mother, never acknowledging her presence. And he climbs into the truck without looking back.
Michael yells to Sheila and they both join Tommy in the truck. It tears away with my reason for living inside. The string that ties us together, that I thought had broken a long time ago, but apparently was intact until today, abruptly snaps in two.
I suddenly feel cold. I realize I’m shaking. I have to struggle to catch my breath.
I’m in shock. And I can’t go through this kind of pain anymore.
Maybe I’m truly better off alone.
◆◆◆
I can’t stop crying.
Dee’s been telling me stupid jokes for half an hour. Mom served me a slice of her legendary apple pie a day early. Dad offered to call the Steckers—to talk to Michael and Sheila, and even to try to help me figure things out with Tommy. But I refuse to laugh, to eat day-early pie, or to let Dad make a peace treaty of sorts with any of the Steckers. And I cry some more.
I don’t even have my meltdown in the privacy of my bedroom. I sit in the family room, on the couch where I once kissed Tommy to the sounds of baseball, and completely lose it. This time when I stop crying, things are going to be different: I’m never going to cry for Tommy again. I’m never going to cry for anyone. I’ll live my life alone.
I’ll be better off, I tell myself again and again.
“Vinny. You have a visitor.” Mom’s voice comes from the kitchen.
I collect myself enough to say, “Tell Ellen I’ll call her later.”
“Honey, it’s not Ellen.”
I suddenly feel sick. And I mean really sick. Like I’m-going-to-toss-my-cookies sick.
“I don’t want to see him.”
It’s too late; Tommy’s staring at me from the kitchen. His brother Dave is behind him talking with my parents and Dee.
I don’t question Tommy about why he’s here or what happened at home. Instead, I ask, “What’s Dave doing here?” I think I’ve stopped bawling, but another sob finds its way out of my throat.
“He drove me… I couldn’t take my bike. I have too much stuff to carry.”
It’s kind of surreal: in the kitchen Dave is hugging Dee. Dee is crying too. So are Mom and Dad.
The Bucci family: just call us waterworks central.
Tommy comes to the couch, hesitates for a few seconds, and then sits close beside me. “I was in shock when we got caught by my parents.”
“You left me again.”
“Yeah, you’re right. I went with Mom and Dad.”
“Not even a goodbye…”
“Vin, once I got over the shock, I told them everything—about how I’m gay and that I’m in love with you.”
I drop the box of tissues I’ve been clinging to on the floor between my legs. “So when are you going to wreck me again?” For almost a year now, I’ve constantly expected emotional ruin at Tommy’s hands.
He tilts his head, confused. “What do you mean?”
I refuse to look into his eyes. “Every time you think you’re gonna piss off your parents, you bail on me. And I can’t do this anymore—I keep on getting sucker-punched in the heart. By the guy I love.”
He flinches at my words, but I don’t care. What I said was the simple truth. “Look at me.” He touches my chin. “Vinny, look at me.”
I’m terrified of what I’ll see in his eyes, but I do it. There’s love in his expression, for sure. And pain… and regret. But something else is there too.
“It’s over with them,” he tells me and actually smiles.
“Over? They’re your family, T—it can’t be over.”
Tommy shakes his head. “I told them who I am. And they told me I was wrong. I told them again… and they said if I plan to live a sinful life, loving another man, I need to find a new place to call home.”
“Oh, God.” His predicament jolts me from my state of self-pity. “You… you’re homeless… and…” I grab him by the shoulders and pull him in.
“I was kind of hoping the Bucci family might take me in until I figure out what to do next.” Strangely, Tommy’s still smiling.
“Why aren’t you crying, like I’ve been doing all afternoon?”
He kisses my cheek and whispers in my ear, “Because for the first time in my life, I’m free.”
I turn my head and our lips almost meet. “No more being scared?”
He shakes his head. “Not of them finding out how I feel about you. Maybe scared of how I’m gonna make a living, though. They’re not gonna help me pay for college.”
Mom and Dad step into the living room, followed by Dave and Dee. “Dave told us about your situation, Tom,” Dad says.
Tommy and I let go of each other, but not quickly like we were caught doing something wrong, the way we did when Michael knocked on the window of the Volvo. And I put my hand on his knee to give everybody the message that we’re together.
“You are family to us. You always have been and always will be.” Mom is crying almost as hard as I was twenty minutes ago. “We expect you to move all of your belongings into Vinny’s room over break.”
“So, I’m not homeless?” Tommy asks.
“Not as long as we’re alive.” Dad smiles. “Welcome home, Tom.”
Tommy places his hand on mine and squeezes. “Thank you, Uncle Paul.”
Dee rushes over to Tommy and hugs him. “And don’t worry, we figured out a long time ago that you and Vinny are in love—it’s old news around here.” Her embrace, of all things, has Tommy wiping his eyes.
“I’ve got to head back to the house, but I’m going to find you at the game tomorrow, okay, bro?” Dave is clearly not interested in losing Tommy as a brother. “And just saying, MJ isn’t pissed at you at all. He’s had a thing for Jenna since he was in high school, and now she’s his.”
Tommy nods. “Thanks, bro.”
“We’ll leave you two to talk,” Mom says, and they all head back into the kitchen.
“I was scared you bailed on me again.” I’m a little dramatic, but at least I’m not crying anymore.
“I don’t blame you. And I’m sorry… I didn’t expect them at that moment—I was so into kissing you and… it had been so long. I wasn’t ready for that. But my shock didn’t stop me from telling my parents the truth.”
“I wasn’t so sure what you’d do when you were alone with them.”
“Dude, I can’t live without you. That is fact—chiseled in stone—so you don’t ever have to doubt me again.”
I sigh. “I promised myself I was finished with drama in my life.”
“Good. We’re both finished with it then. I can’t please Mom and Dad by just being myself. And I’m not going to try to be someone I’m not anymore. I think it was slowly killing me.”
“I guess we have something major to celebrate on Thanksgiving Day,” I say, and I mean it.
◆◆◆
“I’m glad we skipped the game yesterday. I’m not ready to see Mom and Dad yet, and they were planning to go.” We’re driving to Stephenson College. I’m going to give Tommy a full tour.
“Dee was a little bit bent out of shape over it. But I think she felt better when Dave said he’d go with her.”
“Cousin Dave saves the day again.”
I laugh. “Part of the family is back together, at least.” I’m not bothered by the ‘cousin’ reference. I know what Tommy and me are, and it’s not cousins. “It was a great day, though. Major food coma.”
“Yeah. I ate so much. Aunt Gina’s food beats everybody else’s. And pasta with a turkey dinner. That only happens at the Bucci’s house.”
Tommy still seems a little bit stunned by his first holiday spent away from his family. I’m glad we made plans to check out my college today. It’s a perfect distraction. “The dorms are open over Thanksgiving because so many out-of-state kids can’t go home. I’ll show you my dorm room. But we’ll probably only get to go inside some of the school buildings.”
“That’s cool.” He’s quiet for a minute. “Vinny, I think I’m probably not gonna be able to start until next fall. I need a soccer scholarship to attend.”
“There’s got to be a way to get you to school next semester. You can take loans and stuff… we’ll figure it out.” I squeeze his hand. I want to tell him it’s cruel of his family to kick him out for being gay, but I don’t think he’s ready for that discussion. “If you have to take a semester off you can stay at our house. I’ll come home every weekend. Or you can come down and visit. My roommate sleeps in his girlfriend’s dorm room all the time, so you can stay with me.”
“Uncle Paul already told me that I could work at his restaurant. I could save a lot toward school.”
“Okay, we’re here. I’ll park at my dormitory and we can start there.
◆◆◆
Five minutes later I’m opening the door of my room. “This is weird,” I say as he goes in. “There were plenty of days that I thought you’d never see this room.”
“And here I am.”
“Yup.” We take off our jackets and throw them on Scott’s bed.
“Is this your desk?”
“Um, the one with all the pictures of us on it?”
“Yeah… I guess it’s not your roommate’s desk.” He laughs. “You’ve got photos of us at the soccer championships and at the Thanksgiving game last year.”
“I’ve got one of us by the Christmas tree too.”
“Is this one a selfie at the prom?” He lifts a photo in a clear frame.
“Uh-huh. I managed one shot without the girls.” I wink.
“Well, your desk is a bit of a shrine to Tommy Stecker. I’m flattered.”
“I’m relieved you don’t think I’m a creepy stalker.”
“Never.”
Tommy stretches his arms around my neck, and I wrap mine around his waist. “I know this whole thing is hard for you, Tommy.”
He nods. “I’ve got you. And you’ve always been my backbone, so I’m okay.”
“Nobody’s gonna knock on the window if I kiss you,” I say.
“Is your bed as inviting as it looks?”
“Probably not. I can’t remember the last time I changed my sheets.”
“Ewww.” He laughs, then lifts his chin to rub his cheek against mine. “But I’m willing to risk it.”
We scramble for the bed.
“God, I missed you so much,” I say, pushing him beneath me. And I dive in, the way I used to. “I also missed this….”
It’s different than it was when we were at Our Guardian College. It’s also different from last summer. I loved him back then as I love him today, but now I’m confident I don’t have to share him romantically—even if he always said Jenna meant nothing. I don’t have to worry that his parents will tear us apart. I feel safe with him now.
“I want us to make love,” he says between kisses. “And I mean, make love for real. I want to feel you inside me.”
I stop mid-kiss. Two days ago, I was crying over the loss of this guy and now… now he wants to make love. “Making love… for me it’s a forever thing, Tommy.” I pull myself off him and slide to the side of my bed.
His blue eyes are bright. “I’ve already told you I’ll always be yours.”
“But making love makes it different. It makes it more. It turns ‘us’ into everything.”
“Aren’t you ready for me to be your everything?”
I nod. Just once. “I am. But it scares me.”
“Why?”
“Because once I’ve been inside you, it would actually kill me to lose you.”
“And being without you was killing me. You saw me in October—I was having a hard time finding a reason to go on.”
Tommy slides off the edge of the bed. “Give me your bracelet.” It has stretched out since he tied it on my wrist in October, so it slides off easily. I hand it to him. He pulls off his bracelet and drops to his knees. “Now stand in front of me.”
Confused, I slide off the edge of the bed and stand before him.
He takes my left hand in his. “For a long time, I was torn. I had to decide between my heart and my soul and my breath—otherwise known as you—and the family who raised me. At first, I chose wrong… but I was always yours. By the time I figured this out, you were the one who was torn. You didn’t feel safe with me, because I’d hurt you more than once… but you were always mine. And now I’ve faced my biggest fear, and you’ve faced yours, and what tore us apart no longer has any power over us. It’s time to move forward as if we’re just one entity, you know? Sometimes we’ll be in two different places, but we’ll always be one.”
“That was quite a declaration.” My cheeks are burning, but I’m happy.
“What I’m trying to say is, when we put these bracelets on each other, our journey to each other is a done deal. And all that’s left is our journey forward together.”
“That sounds better than good.”
He slides his bracelet on my wrist. “This is forever, dude.”
I help him to his feet and slide my bracelet on his wrist.
After a quick kiss, he pushes me back on the bed. “I love you, and now it’s time our bodies are joined, just like our hearts.”
That’s a little sappy, especially for Tommy, but I still like it. He climbs on my chest and brings his mouth down on mine. It’s a long, deep kiss—a romantic one—but I know Tommy likes to be taken, and he soon slides off to the side.
“You’re sure your roommate isn’t gonna come around anytime soon, right?”
“Yeah, I’m sure. He’s back in Wisconsin eating left-over turkey.”
“Excellent.” He helps me pull off my sweatshirt, then my T-shirt.
I return the favor. We each toe off our sneakers and then tackle our own jeans and boxers.
When I’m naked, Tommy runs his hands up and down my sides. “You are so fucking beautiful. Did you know that?”
“As long as you think so.”
“I do.” Tommy’s beautiful too, but with his lips hard at work in the hollow of my neck, I can’t find my voice. “I want…”
He doesn’t have to spell it out. I know what Tommy wants, and I give it to him. In a single maneuver, he’s beneath me. One of my favorite things to do is just to feel his body, naked against mine from head to toe. I lower myself onto him. The mere thought of his chest hair mingling with mine makes me harder than stone. At first our stiff dicks bounce against each other, but I quickly guide them into alignment. And I grind down on him, listening for his moan.
“Vinny… it’s so…”
“I know, I know…”
I wrap my ankles around his, as it makes me feel bonded to him once again—as if the string tying us together was stretched to its limit but was never broken.
Once I’ve had my fill of grinding and moaning, I decide it’s well past time for a satisfying feast, and I put my lips to work. I start on his face, kissing his forehead and then his cheeks and his perfect nose and then his lips. I like it so much, I do it again. Even his eyelids on my second pass.
I hold him in place, pressing his forearms securely to the bed, and I move my mouth lower on his body. I suck on his nipples until he gasps and pushes my head down. By the time my lips have reached the lower part of his stomach, he’s begging me to go down on him.
I lick the tip of his dick, and the flavor is so mind-blowingly Tommy that I nearly shoot right there and then. Thankfully, I find some restraint and go to town. After a few minutes, he stops me and utters, “I want you inside me.”
For the second time, I nearly lose it, but I pull off him, turn, and search around my desktop for a tube of lotion I keep there. It’s not made for sex; I hope it does the job. “I don’t have a condom, you know,” I say as I squirt way too much lotion on my fingers and climb back on the bed.
“We’re both virgins… it’s probably cool.” His voice is raspy. “But I have one in my jeans pocket, if you want to grab it.”
“So, you came prepared?”
“Yeah, I’m like a Boy Scout that way.”
I lean down and grab his jeans from the pile of clothing on the floor and easily find the condom. I tear open the package, and with a bit of fumbling, manage to pull it on. Then I get back to business; I prop his ass on my thigh and nudge his legs apart.
Tommy seems a little bit shy, staring at Scott’s side of the room instead of at my face. He’s depending on me to do the prep for making love feel sweet and perfect and right. “Tommy, we’re gonna be joined with each other soon.”
Tommy finally glances at me. His eyes are wide and glassy, but he nods, and so I bend enough to press my lips against his. I smear him with the lotion and begin to work a finger inside, distracting him with my tongue. I poke it past his teeth and then deeply inside his mouth. He gasps into my mouth—over and over—as I get him ready to take me.
“Think you should flip onto your belly?” I ask as I rub a generous amount of lotion on the condom. I don’t know much about sex, but I’ve researched the basics online. “It might be easier for the first time.”
He doesn’t reply in words but turns over quickly.
I grab one of my pillows and slide it under his hips and then I climb onto his back. “I’ll go slow, but if it hurts you’ve gotta tell me.”
“I will.” His voice is almost too quiet to hear, but I’m tuned in to his every sound.
It’s a true struggle to get inside. I’m so afraid of hurting him, and he’s so tight. But inch by inch I push in, and when I get there it feels incredible. Like I am finally exactly where I’m supposed to be. And just as I figured, this moment is everything. Tommy is everything to me.
He’s silent now, a little bit sweaty, and I’m not sure he’s liking it, until he says, “Move a little, Vin.”
I push in, and then pull out once and wait for his reaction. He’s quiet so I do it again. Tommy moans, and I want to pull out, but I think that might be worse. He lifts his butt up and I think maybe he’s reaching for his dick. When his shoulders sink down, I again start to move.
“Vinny… I think it’s… it’s good.”
“It’s so good.” I’m in the best place I’ve ever dreamed of.
“I love you, you know.” No words have ever sounded better either.
“I love you too… Can I move a little more?” I ask.
“Please!”
And the talking stops because we’re both intent on memorizing our first time making love.
It only takes another minute and Tommy pants, “I’m gonna…”
“Me too.”
Coming with Tommy is indescribable. I kiss his neck as I let go. He arches back, and when I whisper “I love you” into his ear, he joins me in heaven.
Sometimes you just know things, and right now I know that, for Tommy and me, the hard times are over, and the good stuff is on.
I hate the thought of getting out of bed to tour the college. It can wait an hour. Or two.