8. When I’m nothing without him
Soccer season
Tommy
I wake up feeling sick again today—like I’m going to die. But somehow, I never do. I just keep on keeping on. Something is seriously wrong with me, though. I can hardly keep food down anymore.
I drag myself out of bed—a narrow twin bed in a single. Yes, a room all my own.
Lucky me—Jenna can visit any time she feels like it and stay as long as she wants.
It’s got to be one hundred degrees in my dorm room, but still I shiver. A hot shower would warm me, but there’s no time. I have to get my ass to six a.m. soccer practice. I have fifteen minutes.
Two practices a day—early morning and late afternoon. My coaches watch me play at both of them and shake their heads in frustration… and disappointment. I totally suck this year. I’m slow and rusty. Shit, I played ten times better in middle school. They’re probably wondering if I’m the same dude they scouted last fall or some talentless imposter.
It’s too late to grab breakfast, but Jenna’s noticed I’ve been dropping pounds and brought me a chocolate chip muffin last night. That was considerate of her, I point out to myself as I grab the bakery bag off my desk. I toss my backpack over one shoulder and am out the door.
I jog toward the practice field. If I walk, I’ll be late. But even late and nauseated, my brain finds an opportunity to torture me.
Jenna’s my focus now, I tell myself. Jenna is my future.
I actually tell myself this shit all the time, trying like hell to convince myself of its truth.
Never have I called Vinny since I left—not once. Not to tell him I miss him or to ask how he is or to tell him how much I suck in soccer. I’m trying to do right by Mom and Dad—to live as they expect me to. Plus, I’m not strong enough to hear Vinny’s voice. Because if I hear him say my name, I’ll beg for him to come here or for him to let me go there, and then I’ll make it happen, and I’ll lose my family.
And according to the Moores’ and the Steckers’ loud and frequently repeated hopes, Jenna will be my official family—my bride—sooner rather than later.
It surprises me when it happens; I lean over and hurl the three bites of chocolate chip muffin I just consumed.
◆◆◆
“I love you, Tom.”
I’ve dreaded this moment for so long.
We’re lying on my bed listening to a Christian worship band called Elevation Music. She says she loves this band because I look like one of their singers—the young blond dude. I keep telling her I couldn’t sing on a stage to save my life. But all of this is beside the point; Jenna just declared her love and she expects me to say something in return.
“Jenna… I…”
“Oh, God, you don’t love me! It’s been six months, and you… you…” Here come the tears. And it’s a waterfall.
I sit on the edge of the bed and pull her up beside me. And of course, I take her into my arms; I’m not cruel. “Sweetie, I can’t believe you think I don’t… love you. Of course I do.” I avoid stringing the three words together, which somehow makes the declaration feel less real.
Satisfied, she sniffs and snuggles into my embrace. “I want to stay with you tonight.”
My life is spiraling out of control. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. I’d hate to do something we aren’t ready for.” I lie to her easily.
Jenna pulls back enough to look at me, and when I don’t cooperate, she takes hold of my face with both hands, so we end up staring at each other. “But I am ready.”
“Maybe we should… like, pray about it at Sunday service.” She knows I’m not all about religion, but she says she is. And this is the best I can do on the fly.
I stand and grab her sweater off the bed.
“I don’t want to go back to my room.”
“But still, Jenna, I think I should walk you back now.” I’m already escorting her to the door.
She blocks the door and closes her eyes, and I know she’s waiting for me to kiss her. I sigh and do what’s expected. I have no clue why she doesn’t notice how lukewarm and obligatory it is.
“Say it,” she demands as soon as the kiss is a done deal. “Tell me that you love me.”
Again I sigh. “I… love you… Jenna.” In some ways, I actually do love her, so it’s not a total lie. But I’ll never love Jenna the way I love Vinny.
My belly is on fire.
◆◆◆
“Dad. It’s me.”
“Hello, Tom. How’s school? And soccer practice—tell me about it. I haven’t heard much from you about soccer.”
There’s an excellent reason for this: my heart isn’t in the game anymore. Without Vinny, it’s not fun. It’s another chore, like kissing Jenna.
“Speak up, I didn’t hear you, son.”
“I quit the team.”
“Dear God—it sounded like you just said you quit the Our Guardian soccer team!”
“That’s what I said.” Today my head is throbbing in addition to my usual stomach issues. This can’t be good.
“You can’t be serious…” I hear Dad calling Mom into the room. “Now what’s this nonsense about you leaving the team?”
“He did what?” Mom asks, shocked.
I’m clearly on speaker phone now. “I’ve been sick… my belly hurts all the time. I’ve lost more than ten pounds… and I wasn’t doing well on the team at all, and I—”
“We didn’t raise a quitter,” Dad cuts me off. “Now you need to get on the phone with your coach, or better yet, write an email. Explain that you’ve been under the weather. And find a way to get back on the soccer team.”
“Your father’s right. We sent you to Our Guardian to grow in your relationship with the Lord and to advance your soccer ability. And to build your bond with Jenna. Not to be lazy and sit around your dorm and—”
“Okay. I’ll try.” Lying to Mom and Dad isn’t as hard as it used to be. I’m not going to try to get back on the team, though. I’m so weak I can barely get my ass to class.
“Turn to God with your problems,” Dad suggests.
“And to Jenna,” Mom adds. “She loves you and will always be there for you.”
“Okay,” I say again.
“We expect to hear better news from you soon. Don’t let us down.”
It’s way too late for that.
◆◆◆
Tonight, it’s not just nausea; my belly is truly burning. And rocking back and forth on my bed is doing nothing to ease the pain. On nights like this—two a.m. and I’m still wide awake—I’m especially thankful I don’t have soccer practice at the break of dawn. It’s fucked-up how I now consider something I loved so much—the sport that I lived and breathed since I was three years old—as merely a burden that’s been lifted from my shoulders.
I get out of bed and stand in front of the closet. In a long row on the shelf above my closet are the over-the-counter meds that I thought could heal me—Pepto-Bismol, Zantac 150, every kind of antacid at the local pharmacy. But as it turns out, over-the-counter drugs can’t fix a person who is falling apart.
My stomach problem isn’t the cause of my distress—it’s just a symptom of stress. My grades suck at Our Guardian as much as my stats in soccer. In my relationship with Jenna, I feel like a fox caught in a snare; I’d chew my own arm off to free myself. And at the same time as I’m suffering over it, I’m guilty because she deserves a guy who loves her fully, and I can never do that. Church services are hell; I just don’t believe all that shit anymore. I mean, I believe in God, just not in religion. And I’ve called my parents and emailed them, but I only got one answer—my dad saying he’d talk to me after I was back on the soccer team.
But none of that compares to the real reason for my constant anxiety: I miss Vinny. Which makes it sound way too mild. I fucking need him; I can’t live without him….
And before I even realize what I’m doing, my phone is in my hand and I’m calling him.
Please answer, Vinny, I need you.
“Hello?”
I’m certain that I woke him up, but his voice doesn’t sound sleepy or confused.
He sounds like he was expecting my call. “Vinny… say my name. Just fucking say it.”
“Tommy… are you okay?”
I shake my head vigorously until I remember he can’t see me. “I’m not.”
“What’s wrong?” His voice is soft. He probably has a roommate he doesn’t want to wake with a two-a.m. phone call. And I don’t know how he can even stand to talk to me. It’s been six weeks since I left him at the airport, and he never heard from me again.
“I can’t do this anymore.”
“Do what?” he asks in a whisper. I hear background noise, like he’s moving around. Then I hear a door shut. “Tommy, what can’t you do?” His voice isn’t so quiet now; he must be out in the hall. There’s worry and hurt in his tone.
I can’t live without you.
“Hey, Tommy… it’s okay. You’re okay.”
“Can you come see me on Friday? It’s Columbus Day weekend, and we can spend time together.”
He doesn’t answer right away. Just like I didn’t tell Jenna I loved her until she cried.
“I get it if you’re pissed off at me.”
I can’t even hear him breathe. But I know he’s still there. Vinny wouldn’t hang up on me in a million years, even if he’s mad as hell.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch with you.”
“But why? Why haven’t I heard from you?”
I know what he wants to know. “I was trying to be that guy…”
“The guy your parents want you to be.”
“Yeah. It’s kinda killing me.”
“Tommy!”
“Will you come see me?” I ask… or more accurately, I beg.
“I only have one practice over the weekend. I think I can get out of it—I haven’t missed one yet.”
I breathe. A sigh of relief. “Oh, shit… thanks… thanks for saying you’ll come.”
“What about you? Don’t you have practice this weekend?”
“No.” I’m going to have to let him know sooner or later. “I quit the team.”
“You did what?” He’s unsurprisingly shocked.
“I quit. I’ll explain this weekend.”
“Okay… and what about Jenna?”
“She’s going home for the weekend.”
“That’s convenient.” His tone is sarcastic, and I remember how I was once so torn.
“I want to talk to you about her too,” I insist.
“All right. I’ll set up a flight tomorrow. And I’ll let you know the details tomorrow night,” he says.
“Thanks.”
“It’s good to hear your voice, T,” Vinny adds.
I can’t help but admit, “I miss the shit out of you, dude.”
“Same here.”
After we end the call, I get down on my knees and say a prayer. It’s the first prayer I’ve truly felt in my heart and soul since I got to this Christian college. “Thank you, God, for keeping his heart open to me.”
◆◆◆
I’ve never felt happier in my life than when I see Vinny walking down the aisle in the airport on his way from security. I want to run to him. To throw myself in his arms like in the movies. To kiss him like a lover. But I saunter to him like the guy I used to be, and we shake hands. I notice that his bracelet is missing.
His eyes are different than the day I left too. The expression in them is harder… sharper. I hate it that his sweet softness is gone. I hate it more that I’m the one who robbed him of it.
“Vin. It’s so fucking g-good to see you,” I say, my voice shaking despite my efforts to control it. Vinny smiles. It isn’t the same smile either. I’ve changed this man. I’ve jaded him. I want to beg him to forgive me, but all I can do is try to bullshit him. “You’re looking good.” He’s more fit than I’ve ever seen him. College soccer must be treating him better than it treated me.
His hard eyes sweep my body, from head to toe and then back. “You look… Tommy, you look pretty skinny.”
He’s right. I’ve lost a ton of weight. My clothes hang off me. Jenna’s been nagging me to see a doctor, but a doctor can’t fix what’s wrong with me. “All I can say is that the food here isn’t anything like your mother’s.”
Vinny isn’t buying my story; I still know him well enough to see this. “Yeah, right.”
“You want to go out for food? There’s a decent pizza place near my school.”
“Sure, if you want.”
In many ways we’re like strangers. “Well, I’ll get an Uber. Did you check a bag?”
“Nah. I’ve just got this.” He holds out a duffel bag. “And my backpack.”
“Then let’s get out of here.”
◆◆◆
The Uber ride is like my secret fantasy come true, just because we’re sitting so close to each other in the backseat of a stranger’s sedan. Even when I close my eyes I know he’s still here because I can smell him. My shoulders sink and my fists loosen as I relax for the first time in almost two months.
We don’t talk in the car, though. Just being near him is enough for me. But his breathing is fast. I don’t think he’s as relaxed as I am. Not even close.
When we get to my dorm, I grab his duffel out of the trunk and lead him inside. I want to hold his hand, and I keep forgetting why we can’t. It’s more because Vinny no longer wants to than because it’d be breaking every rule at my Christian college. So I just keep on looking behind me, over and over, to make sure he’s following along.
When I open the door to my room, he says, “You have a single, lucky dog.”
I’ve never been happier to have a single than I am at this very moment. “It’s got a tiny bathroom too.”
“Some guys have all the luck.”
If he thinks that’s me, he’s way off the mark “You want to order food?” I ask. I couldn’t force myself to direct the Uber driver to the pizza joint down the street. I need to be alone with Vinny too much to share him with the world.
“I think you could stand to eat a decent meal more me, buddy.” Buddy? He’s never called me buddy before. I used to call him that once in a while, but it was never Vinny’s word.
“Let’s go out for a huge breakfast instead, and not at the dining hall. I’ll take you to a diner I like. My treat.”
“That’ll work.”
Vinny’s leaning against the inside of the door. He isn’t exactly making himself at home. All I want is to turn back the clock so it’s last summer when we were close. I’m realizing it doesn’t work that way with people you’ve destroyed. “Come sit down with me. I’ll get us some root beers from my mini-fridge.”
Vinny shuffles slowly to the bed and peels off his backpack.
“Sit down,” I say again.
He shakes his head. “I’m not sure I did the right thing by coming here.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” I have no right to react so harshly. But I’m caught off-guard, somewhere between stunned and needier than ever before. It’s not fair to expect him to slide right back into the thing we shared last summer. How can I be so desperate, and Vinny so cynical? I stick the cans on top of the fridge and turn to face him.
“Nothing has changed, T. You’re still in the closet, right? Jenna’s still your ‘beard’.” He makes air quotes with his fingers. “What do you want from me?”
My mouth drops open wide enough to hold a tennis ball. But he’s right. Not a fucking thing has changed between us except I’m more of an asshole and he’s obviously more direct.
“I’m gonna get a new flight. I think I should leave in the morning.”
“Vinny…” I can’t fake cool any longer. It’s a farce, anyway. At the moment, I’m the least cool guy in Chicago. “I just can’t…” It’s always been easier for me to feel my need for Vinny than to express it in words. “I can’t do it without you.”
“Do it? Do what?”
“Live.”
Vinny closes his eyes as if to absorb my confession and then drops his ass on the bed. “What do you want from me?”
He’s going to make me spell it out. And I will—I actually want to hear myself say the words. “I want us to be together.”
“Like, I’m your secret lover and you’re still Jenna’s boyfriend?”
I shake my head. “No. I want to come out… to be with you in front of the world. But I need a little time to break it to Jenna and my family. And I want to do it in person. I’ll tell them all at Thanksgiving.”
He studies my face and I know he’s searching for truth. It kills me that he doesn’t trust me on my word, but I’ve earned his skepticism.
“I need to know if you still want to be with me.” The urge to stand in front of him and wrap my arms around his shoulders is almost unbearable. But I don’t give in to the urge. He has to want this too.
Vinny glances at the floor for a split second and when he looks back up, I see the guy I’ve known all my life. His eyes are once again the gentle way I remember them—the way I dream about them. He smiles, but it’s a sad one. It reminds me of Aunt Gina’s expression every time she looked at me this summer.
“You’re already mine, Tommy.” His eyes fill with tears, and he does nothing to hide them—no sniffing or wiping the wetness away. “Before you left, you told me that no matter what happens, you’re mine. And somewhere inside, even though I’ve been mad and hurt, I’ve always known it.”
“I want to hold you so fucking bad.”
“Then hold me.”
But Vinny ends up holding me. He slides onto the bed and lays flat on his back. I crawl onto his chest. When his arms come around me, all I can do is cry. Soon I’m sobbing from the intensity of my relief and the warmth of his acceptance and forgiveness.
It takes a while until I can speak again. “I’m so sorry, Vin.”
“I know you are.”
“Don’t you want to know why I didn’t contact you for so long?”
“Not tonight.” He’s probably riding the wave of intense emotions too.
I have to do something to express how I feel—that I’m so fucking thankful and thrilled he’s here. Because I can breathe again. And my belly ache is miraculously healed. Vinny was the medicine I needed. So I put my hand behind his neck and pull his face toward mine.
But before our lips meet, Vinny says, “No… not tonight, please. I just want to be with you. No distractions.” I rest my head on his chest and within a few seconds, his nose is buried in my hair. “Mmmm.”
When an eighteen-year-old guy, who likely hasn’t gotten any action in months refuses sex just to be with you, there’s a word for that.
It’s a four-letter word. It’s the word for how I feel for Vinny too.
I think I’m going to tell him how much I love him tomorrow.
◆◆◆
I wake up without a belly ache for the first time in weeks. I slept like a baby on this narrow pancake-mattress bed pushed against a cold cement wall. And I slept like a baby because I slept in the arms of the only person I can’t live without.
“Morning, Tommy.”
I gaze up into cherished light brown eyes that are already studying me steadily. I don’t even have to think about what I want to say. “I love you, Vin.”
Those eyes get wide and wet, and when they close, a single tear rolls out of the corner of each. “You love me like a cousin, right?” His eyes still closed, Vinny smirks.
“Like a cousin and a friend and a lover and a soulmate. All of it.”
“That’s a good answer.” He opens his eyes and I again see warm brown.
For a moment I feel sympathy for Jenna because I need to ask Vinny the same question she had to ask me, and it’s humbling. “Do you love me?”
Vinny’s expression softens even more as he replies, “I love you more than you’d ever believe. You’re everything.”
I smile. “That’s what I was counting on.” He hugs me so tightly I think I might burst.
Then Vinny puffs the pillow beneath his head and his gaze shifts to the side. “Trust is a different matter.”
There’s a return appearance of the piercing pain in my gut. “You don’t trust me anymore?”
He shakes his head. “Just give me some time.”
It makes complete sense; after a summer of physical intimacy and promises, I left him high and dry. “I told you I’m sorry.”
“You did, and I believe you. But it’s gonna take time to feel… the way I did before. What happened between us kind of wrecked me.”
I don’t want to ask, but I have to know. “How did you handle my silence?”
Vinny gently pushes me from his chest and sits so he’s leaning against the cement wall. “At first I couldn’t find a reason to keep going. I felt so empty, and I didn’t care about anything. Soccer, my family, Ellen… none of it mattered.”
“Ellen?” A bolt of jealousy shakes me.
“She’s turned into a really close friend.”
“How close?” I have no right to ask this.
“Sit next to me, T.”
He pats the spot beside him and I move there quickly.
“Ellen and I are just friends,” he says.
“But you told me last summer—you’re not gay.”
“That’s true. But for me, love and sexuality aren’t about gender at all.”
“Are you bisexual?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “I wish it could be that simple.”
“I don’t think bisexuality is simple, Vinny.”
“What I mean is, my love and sexuality and everything—it’s all tied up in you.”
I must look confused because Vinny hastily explains.
“When I thought I’d lost you, I decided I didn’t need to be with anybody. I figured I’d just be on my own. I have friends and an awesome family and soccer and—I’ve decided I want to be a high school teacher. And a coach.”
“You’ll be a great teacher and coach… but you’d live your life alone?”
“If I can’t be with you, I think I would.”
How can he sound so confident that I’m the only one for him?
Again, I reach for him. His words make me feel so special. They make up for the loneliness and the confusion, and even for the hurt I’ve felt from my parents’ rejection. But he pushes back. “Didn’t you mention something about a big breakfast?”
For a second, I’m stunned. Vinny came here when I needed him; he’s even missing soccer practice to be with me. He told me I’m the only one for him, and that he loves me. But he refuses my physical gestures. I nod absently.
“Well, I’m starving. You want to shower first, or should I?”
“Uh, let me take a second to pee and brush my teeth, and then you can go ahead and get in the shower.”
Vinny hops off the bed. We’re both still wearing yesterday’s clothes, and I watch as he pulls off his T-shirt. He’s more ripped than ever, and still has a light tan from summer. I suddenly feel self-conscious. I’m skinny and have lost all the muscle tone I’d built up when I worked at the rec center.
I use the bathroom quickly, and tell him as I come out, “There are a couple of towels in there. Just grab one when you’re done.”
“Thanks. I’ll only be a few minutes.”
I’m not sure how to feel as I wait for my turn to take a shower. I pace from my bed to the door as I scour my mind for how to handle the mess I’ve made of my life. Of Vinny’s life… and of Jenna’s.
My actions have caused Vinny to be so wary that he no longer believes love is enough. He accepted a life without romantic love as a realistic option and is still willing to move forward with that, rather than risk his heart. I’ve deeply hurt him.
I know what I have to do. It’s time to prove to Vinny that he can trust me. And I need to set Jenna free. Maybe I’m impulsive. Maybe I’m even a little bit selfish. But I pick up my phone and call Jenna. I have something to say to her—words that should be spoken face to face—but every minute I wait is unfair to her. And to Vinny.
“Jenna?”
“Who else would it be? I didn’t expect you to call this morning.”
“Well, we have to talk.”
“Talk? Talk about what? How you’re going to get back on the soccer team? Your parents were with Mom and Dad when they picked me up at the airport. Your father couldn’t stop talking about you getting your place on—”
“Please, listen. This is important.”
“You returning to the Our Guardian soccer team is important to your father.”
Vinny comes out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist. “Hey, Tommy, can I use your deodorant?”
He notices I’m on the phone and slaps his hand over his mouth.
“Jenna, there’s something I need to tell you… something about me. About us.”
Vinny’s eyes get huge. He stands beside my desk and listens.
“Well, say it then, Tom.”
“I’m not on the same page as you about some things. First, about religion…”
“What about religion?”
“I don’t believe in the same God as you.” This part is easier to say than I thought it would be.
“What?”
“My God is more open. Less judgmental. Not the God we pray to at Our Guardian College.”
“Tommy… you can’t be serious.”
“There’s more. I care about you, but not in the way you need to be cared about.”
“You said you loved me…”
“I do. I love you like I love MJ and Dave.”
“Like a sister?”
“Jenna… you’ve noticed I haven’t been myself. I’m sick all the time and can’t get motivated to do anything. It’s because I’m not living honestly.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m not right for you… ‘cause I’m gay.” I blow out a huge breath. “Jenna, I’m gay. I can never be more to you than a friend.”
I’m almost panting, but what I’m doing is fucking terrifying. However, it’s also freeing. And when I see Vinny’s expression—shocked and concerned, but relieved—it’s worth the fear.
Jenna is silent.
“I’m so very sorry for stringing you along. I tried to be the guy you saw when you looked at me, but I’m not. I can’t be him.”
“This is about Vinny, isn’t it?” she asks.
I nod, knowing she can’t see me. “It’s mainly about me being gay… I can’t ever be a husband to you, the way you want. But yeah, Vinny is like the other half of me.”
“You make me sick… And your parents are going to disown you when I tell them!”
“I have no right to ask you this, Jenna, but I’m gonna ask anyway. Please don’t tell them I’m gay. Go ahead and tell them that we broke up… blame it on me because it’s my fault. But let me tell them I’m gay over Thanksgiving break.”
I hear the crying. I see her tears in my head. It hurts to break the heart of a person so innocent. “I don’t know what I’m going to do… And you need to pray about this, Tommy. I need to pray about this.”
“I will. I’ll pray, but it won’t change the fact that I’m gay.”
She’s quiet for a moment and then she says, “I thought we were going to get married… and have blond-haired babies.”
“I’m sorry. I should have been honest with myself and you and Vinny. I never should have let it come to this.”
“I’m sorry too. Because I don’t know if I can ever forgive you.” She ends the call.
I get off the bed. Vinny and I stand a few feet apart, staring at each other.
“I can’t believe you just did that,” he says, his voice rough.
“I should have done it before I took her to the senior prom. In fact, I should’ve taken you to the prom.”
“Why did you do it right now?”
“Because I saw how you looked at me. You have no faith in me, and I need you to believe that I meant what I said. Things are different now.”
He shakes his head. “You should have broken up with her in person.”
“I know that. But I made the decision to do it now—it couldn’t wait. Jenna needs to know about me, you need to have a reason to trust me, and I need to start living honestly.”
“It… it means a lot to me.” He looks about as disheveled as I feel.
“Will you let me kiss you now?” I ask.
“Definitely.”
I rush to him, but when we’re nose to nose I stop. “Shit, I screwed up so much. But I’m gonna make it right.”
“You’re off to a good start.”
“I really meant what I said, you are the other half of me.”
“We’re both gonna have to tell our families about us.” Even Vinny seems a little nervous about it.
“Maybe we can talk to them together.” I grab his hand. “And now, about that kiss.”
Our heads dip together, but before our lips meet we inhale each other’s breath. I wait for Vinny to come alive like he usually does when we get intimate, but he doesn’t. He closes his eyes and waits for me to move. And so I do; I take charge of the kiss.
When our lips come together I have to hold back from screaming, “Halleluiah!” because this is the most joyous I’ve felt in what seems like forever. I think about God and admit to feeling His presence when I’m this close to Vinny.
And even though Vin’s lips are docile, I sense how hungry he is for me. I need to accept that I haven’t yet fully convinced him of my true intentions. I slip my tongue between his teeth, and he opens for me. I count it as a win and go to work on letting him know he’s the only one I ever want to kiss. For a moment, though, I lose myself to our mouths’ celebration—our lips pushed together and our tongues tangling. I’ve never been the one to drive our passion forward, and it’s a heady experience. My fingers find the corded muscles on the back of his neck, and I pull him even closer. I kiss him so deeply it’s a wonder we can breathe.
Before I have a chance to ask if we should take this to the bed, he pulls away and says, “Maybe you should jump into the shower now, Tommy.”
Vinny is the one who is torn now.
◆◆◆
After breakfast, I show Vinny around campus. We check out the stately Benson Library and Alumni Sports Stadium, where I never had a chance to play. I even show him the dining hall, where the food is actually pretty decent, not that I ate much of it. We avoid visiting Our Guardian Christian Chapel—I don’t suggest it and he doesn’t ask to see it, which is strange because we pretty much grew up in church. Right now, though, religion is a tough subject for me, and probably for Vinny too. We’re going to have to discuss religion, but now isn’t the time.
“It’s nice here—a lot fancier than Stephenson,” Vinny says as we walk back to the dorm.
“It’s a lot more expensive, too.”
“Do you like this school, Tommy?”
That’s an easy one. “My time at Our Guardian College has been the hardest in my life. I spent most of it trying to be someone I’m not and failing big time.”
“That doesn’t mean it isn’t a good school.”
“Vin, it’s focused on a kind of Christianity that I’m not comfortable with anymore. Classes are shaped around Christian values, and avoiding my spiritual advisor was virtually impossible. Plus, we have to attend mandatory church services twice a week.”
“That must have been hard, seeing as you felt like you couldn’t be accepted here.”
“And I seriously sucked in soccer. I couldn’t get my head in the game.”
“Is there a gym we could use? Maybe we could run some drills and play a little one on one.”
“It’s not too cold—why don’t we play outside?” I ask.
“Sounds good.” Vinny suddenly seems more relaxed. Playing soccer has always been a path to each other.
“I think I can dig up my ball. It’s probably buried under a pile of dirty laundry,” I tell him with a smirk.
We don’t change into sweatpants when we get to my room. It’s not going to be too competitive, seeing as I’m totally out of shape. It’ll be all about having fun, which is weird. I haven’t thought of soccer as fun since I last kicked a ball with Vinny.
As we head back outside to the field, I ask him, “How do you like Stephenson College?”
Vinny’s smile is wide and honest. “I love it, Tommy. I wish you went there too.”
“Well, I know one thing—I’m leaving Our Guardian at the end of the semester. This is the wrong place for me.”
“You’ll need to find another school.”
“That’s true.” I glance at him and find him staring at me.
“Maybe…”
“Maybe what?”
“Maybe over Thanksgiving break we could take a ride to Stephenson College, and you could check it out. You know, to see if it’s somewhere you’d want to go.”
“You’d want me to go to the same school as you?”
“You ask messed-up questions, Stecker.” He slings his arm around my shoulders. “And yes, I want you to come to Stephenson—it’s more than I dare to hope for.”
“Then put checking it out on the list of things to do on Thanksgiving break.” Vinny is sending me mixed messages. He’s not ready to get close to me physically, but he wants me to attend the same college as him. I wish I understood. But at least he’s here. “And we both know you can kick my ass on the soccer field, so promise to take it easy on me.”
“Never!” He snatches the ball from my hands and dribbles to the field. I run along behind.
◆◆◆
“You’re right—this pizza’s not bad.” We’re sitting cross-legged on my bed with the pizza box between us.
“All the pizza I’ve had in Chicago has been pretty amazing.” I insisted on having the pizza delivered to my room tonight. I’m like a lovesick puppy—all I want to do is be alone with the guy I belong to.
“You weren’t so bad on the field this afternoon, you know.”
“Which is nothing short of a miracle.”
“Nah, I inspired you.” He laughs, reaches over the pizza box, and squeezes my bony knee. “But seriously, you need to put some meat on your bones.”
“I know. I had trouble keeping food down… you know, for the past few weeks.” It was truly more like several months.
“You’re not having a problem right now.”
He’s right, I’m on my third slice. “It was cool to hear about your soccer team. Maybe your team has a losing record, but it sounds like you’re having a blast.”
“The guys on the team are the best. You’re gonna like my roomie, Scott. He’s a chatterbox, but he means well.”
I drop my slice of pizza on the cardboard box. Jealousy knocked out my appetite.
“What?”
“It’s weird to think of you living with another guy.”
Vinny puts his slice down on the box, closes it, and drops the box off the edge of the bed. “When I first went to school, I was really down. I couldn’t believe you hadn’t gotten in touch with me. Scottie noticed. And he wouldn’t stop asking me about why I didn’t want to go out and party and mess around with girls like the other guys did.”
“What did you tell him?”
“The same thing I told Ellen. I told him that I missed my guy.”
My breath catches in my throat. “You told them about us?”
“Uh-huh. I said I gave my heart to you and I didn’t want it back. I just wanted to put my mind on the good stuff in my life. And move forward.”
“Sometimes I think you moved on without me.” Being this honest is new for me, but it’s necessary.
“Part of me did. I never stopped loving you, but I put myself in a zone where I couldn’t get hurt anymore. I’m trying to find my way out of that zone.”
I flop down on my back. “I wish I never put you there.”
“You didn’t put me there, Tommy. I did.”
He lies beside me. The last occupant of this room stuck tiny stars on the ceiling and we stare at them. “Those stars… they glow when the lights are off.”
“Maybe we should put out the light.”
Vinny slides off the bed. He goes to the doorway and flicks off the lights. Before he gets back on the bed, he takes off his jeans and T-shirt. “I think you’re seriously overdressed for this occasion.”
It takes me two seconds to strip down to my boxers.
Vinny lies beside me and turns on his side. He runs his hands up and down my chest. “I can feel all of your ribs.”
“I’m gonna eat more from now on,” I promise.
“I’ll never let you get to this point again.”
His words make me realize how much I almost lost when I walked away from him. “Can’t believe I fucked things up so bad.”
“We’re working it out.” His hand slides under the waist band of my boxers. He holds my dick in his fist, and I rocket up to heaven.
I don’t deserve to feel this good. Not after what I did to him and to Jenna. As he begins to move, I whisper, “You don’t have to do this.”
Vinny responds by covering my lips with his. As he strokes me, he kisses my lips slowly and deeply. Between kisses he keeps his face close to mine—our lips almost touching, but not quite. Just before I come, he says, “Look at me.” And I do. I let go into his hand as he stares into my eyes. I see how much he loves me, but I also see how much I hurt him.
Mostly I see my future.
I slide down between his legs so I can take him in my mouth, but he pulls me back up to his side. “I want to take things a little bit slower.” He grasps my hand and places it low on his belly. I know what he wants… and what he doesn’t want yet.
So I open the front of his boxers, pull out his dick, and wrap my fingers around him. As I bring him off, I kiss his shoulder and his neck and his ear. I listen for his sounds but hear only a soft gasp when it’s his turn to come. I whisper, “I love you” into his ear, over and over again, until he’s done.
◆◆◆
Vinny has to leave on Sunday afternoon. He missed Friday’s soccer practice, so he can’t miss Monday’s too. Saying goodbye to him this time is so much different than the last time we parted at an airport. I’m trying so fucking hard to stay attached to Vinny, where last time I was doing my best to detach.
I hold his hand from the moment we get out of the Uber all the way to security. Our final embrace is long and tight. We’re both scared as hell to be out of each other’s sight and we’ve confessed our fears honestly: I’m afraid I’ll slip back into depression without him, and he’s afraid he’ll never hear from me. But this weekend sealed our commitment to each other.
“I know you’re scared. I am too. But we just shared the most important weekend of our lives. We made promises that we mean to keep. It’s gonna be okay.” I speak softly in his ear.
Vinny doesn’t let me go. I can feel him trembling. “Are you gonna see Jenna?”
“Not if you don’t want me to.”
“If she needs to talk, I guess it’s okay.”
“I’ll call you if she asks to see me. We can talk about it—so no worries. You and me—we’re a couple now.”
“Okay.”
I’m surprised at how devastated he seems right now, especially since he remained reserved all weekend. I never saw the same eager, hungry-for-me guy that I knew last summer. “I’ve got something for you… for us.” I reach into the pocket of my khakis. “Look.”
Vinny’s jaw drops when he sees what I have in my hand. “You made two new bracelets out of your old one.”
“Uh-huh. Let’s tie them on each other.” We each take one and tie it on each other’s wrist. It feels so good to see the bracelet on him again—visual proof that he’s mine. “It’s never gonna be over with us, Vinny.”
He smiles and then kisses me and walks down the hall toward security, turning around three times to wave.