SANDRA
On Monday afternoon, Alex came home from school, as excited and energetic as always. Sandra wished for just an ounce of her son’s boundless energy. After a long shift at the diner, she was exhausted, as usual. She’d had two cups of coffee, but the caffeine hadn’t exactly kicked in yet. She was tired just watching Alex flit around the apartment.
“Can you pick up your backpack and put it on the chair or in your room?” Sandra gently reminded. She walked into the kitchen, opened the fridge, and got out the container of chocolate milk. She poured a huge glass full while Alex gave her a sheepish smile, tucked his runners into the closet, and picked up his backpack. They went through the same routine every other day. He knew he had to pick up after himself and she knew she’d keep having to gently remind him.
“Chocolate milk!” Alex took the glass from her. “You’re the best, mom.”
Sandra smiled. She ruffled her son’s hair, even though she knew that he hated it. He wasn’t a baby anymore. No, he was rapidly growing into a young man who very closely resembled his father in appearance.
She used to like that, that Alex looked so much like Trace. Now… now it hurt a little bit. Now she knew he was never coming back. Now she’d crushed all her own foolish hopes and banished all the fantasies, and extinguished the flame she’d kept burning foolishly and uselessly in her heart for so long.
Sandra crossed her arms, more to ward off the hurt and wall up her heart than anything else. She leaned hard against the counter, so hard that the edge cut into her lower back painfully. She liked the little shivery burst of discomfort. It took her thoughts off of her inner pain.
“Do you like living here? In the city I mean? I- overall.”
Alex snapped his head up. He had a chocolate milk mustache, but for once, Sandra didn’t comment on it. He realized a second later anyway, and wiped it off with the back of his hand, which he promptly wiped on his jeans. She said nothing, though she eyed the mark.
“Uhhh yeah, I guess. I like my school. I like that I have lots of friends. Why?” Alex eyed her suspiciously. “Are we moving?”
“No, no,” Sandra was quick to assure him. “I just wanted to make sure that you’re happy.”
Alex frowned. “I’m always happy, mom. I like living here.”
“You- it’s okay that we don’t live in a house like some of your friends?”
“Not all my friends live in houses.”
“And it’s okay that- that it’s just me?” She nearly winced when she asked the question. She’d never actually voiced her doubts about her own inadequacy, or asked Alex what he felt about not having a dad. It was something that they’d never brought up. He’d never once asked her about his father or where he was or why he wasn’t in the picture.
Alex nodded solemnly. He set his glass on the table, eyes wide. He was so mature for his age. He’d always been an incredibly smart, perceptive, compassionate child, but Sandra also made it a point never to lie to him about anything. If he asked her a question, she tried to find a way to explain it to him so that he could understand, no matter how young he was.
Her son wrapped his arms around her waist. She hugged him back automatically. She closed her eyes against the tears welling up. She’d also always made it a point to be strong for Alex. She couldn’t remember there being a time when she’d ever let him see her cry, unless it was over silly things like a stubbed toe or a banged funny bone or something that naturally produced tears of pain. Tears over a broken heart… she saved those for behind closed doors.
“I love you, mom. You’re always enough.” Alex pulled away a fraction and stared up at her solemnly. “You don’t even need to ask me something like that. You’ve always been here for me. You always will be.”
“But…” she didn’t want to ask, but she had to. “You never wonder- about your- about your dad? You never get asked about him by your friends or anyone else?”
Alex shrugged, even though he kept his arms wrapped around her. She drew comfort from him, even though she was the adult. If that was a crime, then hell, she was happy to be a bad parent for once.
“No. Not really. He’s never been here. It’s always just been us. I like it that it’s us. You’re the best mom ever. I don’t need a dad when I have you.”
“I’m afraid I’m not very good at soccer and sports though. At fishing or at mechanics or at- at any of the other things that your friend’s dads probably all do.”
“I guess that’s why those people are in the world then,” Alex said, far too rationally. He smiled at her. “If the car needs fixing, we bring it to the shop and some guy does it. If I want to learn sports, I go into them and go to camps. There are lots of people to teach me those things. I don’t need a dad.” He paused and his brow wrinkled again. “And if you ever wanted to move somewhere else, don’t worry about me. I could always make new friends. I like it here, but I’d probably like it wherever we went too. You wouldn’t pick a bad place.”
This time, when Alex’s arms closed around her and he rested his head against her, Sandra did allow a few tears to track their way down her cheeks. What did I ever do right to deserve a kid like him? Alex was so kind. He’d always just understood. He’d never been one of those sassy, mean kids who were never satisfied with what she could provide. He was the exact opposite. He was tender and caring, wise and intuitive far past his eight years. Sometimes she felt like she was talking with a mini-adult.
Her hand reached down and traced circles on Alex’s back. He was getting taller, and he was long past the point of having any of the younger, almost baby like qualities. He was already getting to that almost awkward stage, like a teenager. He was going to be tall and broad, like his father.
“And- and if I started dating again? I mean like really dating? Not saying that I will, but if I did? Would that be okay with you?”
“Yeah.” Alex’s muffled voice drifted up to her. “Sure. Steven was okay.”
“Steven was not okay,” she laughed. “I promise, I won’t pick a guy like him. I’ll pick someone who actually likes kids.”
Alex pulled back. He took a step back this time, detaching himself completely. “Is that why Steven stopped coming around? Because of me?”
“No, no honey,” Sandra said. “Don’t ever think that. Sometimes things just don’t work out. I really wasn’t ready to seriously date someone and he wanted more than that. I didn’t like that- that he had- that we came from different economic situations. It made me feel… it made me uncomfortable. He was nice too, but we really didn’t have much in common. It’s okay that things don’t work out. I was alright with that.”
“But weren’t you sad?”
“Maybe a little, but I have you. You’ll always be everything that I need.”
“Well…” Alex hesitated. He stared up at her with his huge eyes.
“Go ahead,” she encouraged him. “It’s alright. You can tell me or ask me anything.”
“I don’t want to hurt your feelings though. My teacher said that sometimes it’s better not to say anything because it might hurt another person.”
“That might be true,” Sandra agreed. “But in this case, you don’t have to worry. It’s okay if it hurts my feelings. I’m your mom and I’ll get over it, because I know that you don’t mean to hurt me.”
“Okay.” Alex slid his sock along the floor. He studied it for a minute before he looked back up at her. “Do you ever- get lonely? By yourself? I mean, I’m a kid and I know you say that I’m enough and I believe you, but I know that some of my friend’s parents, when they get a divorce- I’ve heard them say that they miss the other person or they had a boyfriend or girlfriend and they broke up and they’re sad or they’re just lonely. Brock said his mom is lonely all the time. He said she cries at night because she doesn’t want to be in the house alone.”
Sandra swallowed hard, but the lump that suddenly lodged in her throat wasn’t going anywhere. “Sometimes I do get lonely. Sometimes I wish that I had someone here to help me parent and do the harder adult things that you shouldn’t have to worry about. But that’s just sometimes. Ninety-nine percent of the time I’m happy. I like being single. I like having my friends that I do things with when I need to have a night out or talk to someone. Having you here, Alex, it’s the best. You’re the best part of my life. I never get truly lonely because I have you.”
“But you shouldn’t just make your life about me. That’s what I heard Brock’s mom say. Or something. She said she didn’t want her life to just be Brock. She wanted something for herself.”
“I- uh- I think there is a balance,” Sandra said carefully. “Some people like to have a partner there. Some people don’t like being alone or aren’t as confident in that. I enjoy my alone time and I enjoy you. I don’t really feel that I need an adult partner to feel content.”
“Really?”
No. Well, just one person and I’ve sent him away for good. “I- I think so. Most of the time, I’m sure.” It wasn’t like she could tell Alex about his father. About the details. That he’d come back and that he wanted to give it another shot.
“Well- if you ever find someone who makes you happy, I think you should go for it. Don’t worry about me. You would never be with someone who would hate me or hurt me or make me not want to be around. You wouldn’t even get past talking to someone like that.”
Alex’s faith in her rocked Sandra. He was so trusting, but he was right. She’d always been extra careful when it came to dating. She didn’t bring someone back to the house that she didn’t know well enough to have a certain amount of trust established. Alex was always her first priority.
“And if my dad ever came back, I think I’d like to meet him. Even just to see what he’s like. Maybe just once. I wouldn’t mind. Not that I would have to and not that I need or want to, but just- if it ever happened, I’m saying it would be okay with me.”
“What?” Panic clawed its way up into Sandra’s chest. Did Alex know? Could he tell just by seeing Trace outside the car that night, how much alike they looked?
“I’m just saying. I know it’s not going to happen. My dad or anyone. I just want you to be happy, mom. Or by yourself if you’re okay with that.”
“Right,” Sandra said slowly. She breathed out a sigh of relief that was short lived. Alex nodded at her, flashed her a smile, and took off to his room. A few minutes later the sound of his video games started up. She didn’t even bother to ask him if he had homework.
Instead she set her hand on the counter to steady herself.
Had she done the right thing in keeping Trace away from his son? She’d wanted to protect Alex, but she never considered that her son would want to know his father. Of course she’d thought about it over the years, but she’d always imagined Trace being a dangerous man involved in things that Alex shouldn’t know about. What if Trace wasn’t living that lifestyle any longer? What if they moved away from it all? Far away? Did she have a right to keep Trace from Alex or deny Alex his father when Trace wanted a chance to do the right thing and get to know his son? Could Trace change? Could he really make a fresh start after the things he’d probably done over the years?
It was true that he was a stranger, but maybe she shouldn’t have slammed the door in his face. It was too convenient, using all her excuses from the past.
If things were different, those excuses wouldn’t hold.
Was she so worried about protecting herself that she’d deny Alex a shot at knowing his dad? Did she have that right? Could she keep Trace at a distance, but still let him into Alex’s life? Could they move away and start all over again? All of them? Did she just want to believe it was possible, deep down, despite it all? Was her heart so traitorous that she could no longer trust it? She’d never been very good at rational thought or decision making when it came to Trace.
She blinked hard, but the tears started up and trialed down her cheeks in hot streams. She didn’t have any answers. Not a single one.
She thought she’d done the right thing. For herself. For Alex. Even for Trace.
Unfortunately, after a ten minute conversation with her son, she was no longer so sure.
She wasn’t sure about anything at all.
Including her heart.