Chapter 23
Lucy
The doorbell ringing pulled me out of an exhausted sleep. Jerking awake, I sat up in bed, disoriented for a minute because I wasn’t sure where I was until my eyes focused on the bedroom. I was home, in my own room, with all the things that normally brought me comfort.
They hadn’t helped me sleep the night before, nor the night before that. Not any night since we’d all gotten back. I hadn’t gotten a full night’s sleep since the last night I’d slept in my dorm room with Harris’s heat surrounding me. For the past week I’d sat up, playing with apps on my phone, writing a little, but mostly walking the floors until I fell into a restless sleep on the couch.
Each morning I’d woken up in my own bed, knowing my dad had put me there. He was worried about me; they all were. I was a little worried about me too. The urge to cut was growing stronger with each passing night. That need hadn’t stopped with telling everyone what was going on. If anything, it had only gotten worse. So far, I’d fought it.
I wasn’t sure how long I could continue fighting, though.
Harris was spending all his available time with me and I hated that I was taking him away from work. First Bass was his dream, one he’d made a reality, and I was keeping him away from that more often than not. I hated even more that he looked more exhausted than I did. He spent the daytime hours with me, then went in to work for a few hours and didn’t get to sleep until nearly three. That didn’t stop him from being in Malibu at nine to either pick me up for an appointment or just to spend the day with me.
After the appointment I’d had the day before—one with a doctor I actually liked and felt comfortable talking to—I’d asked him to sleep all day today. He needed the rest. Harris hadn’t liked it, but after I told him I would come in to the club to see him tonight, he’d relaxed and finally given in.
The doorbell rang again, and I wasn’t a hundred percent sure it wasn’t Harris. He wouldn’t use the doorbell, though. Mom had given him his own key when we’d gotten home last Friday, and he’d been using it to let himself in all week.
Even from my room I could hear the pounding on the front door followed by whoever laying on the bell. It echoed through the house and I groaned, realizing that my parents and the twins must have been out of the house. A glance at the clock on my nightstand said it was just after eleven. Shit.
Tossing the covers back, I grabbed my robe and pulled it on over my T-shirt and boy-shorts as I hurried downstairs.
“Who is it?” I called as I got closer to the door.
They released the doorbell. “It’s Drake,” his deep voice assured me.
Frowning, I unlocked the door and pulled it open. Drake stood on the front step with a warm smile on his face and his arms open for a hug. I didn’t hesitate to give it to him. I hadn’t seen him in weeks. Months, really. He hadn’t come with Lana when she’d gone to D.C. with my parents and he hadn’t been with her when she’d stopped by to check on me the last few days. I knew that he knew about what was going on. Lana didn’t keep anything from him and I wouldn’t want her to.
Drake’s hug was warm and tight, making me feel safe and loved. When he pulled back, however, there was a glint of tears in his eyes. “How are you?”
“I’m okay,” I assured him. Even with the urge to cut, I really was okay. Mostly. I wanted to reassure him, though. Those tears were not something I liked seeing in his blue-gray eyes. Drake was one of my favorite people on the planet and I only wanted him to smile—not have that haunted look in his eyes that I could see trying to break through the peace I knew he’d fought so hard to find.
“What are you doing here?” I asked as I started to step back and let him in. “Is Lana okay?”
“Angel is fine,” he said as he stepped inside and I closed the door. “Go get dressed. I want you to go somewhere with me. Okay?”
“But…”
He hugged me again. “Please? No questions. You’ll see when we get there.”
Curious, but trusting him nonetheless, I went back upstairs and quickly got dressed. Fifteen minutes later we were in Drake’s car and headed into the city. Because I was with Drake, I didn’t have to take Marcus with me, but I’d called him and asked him to meet me at First Bass later since I knew I’d probably be out with Drake all day.
It was nice to have some alone time with my brother-in-law. We rarely had time for just the two of us, so this was a special treat for me that I was going to savor.
I was surprised when he pulled into the garage at the apartment building. “What are we doing here? Is this the surprise?”
He shook his head. “This is a short pick-up.” He got out of the car and came around to open my door. I wasn’t sure if it was Lana who had taught him such good manners or Aunt Emmie over the years she’d taken care of all the Demon’s Wings guys, but it was adorable and I gladly took his hand when he offered it to me.
I knew where we were going as soon as we stepped into the elevator and he pressed the button. I’d only been to Harris and Jenna’s apartment a few times before in the past, but I still remembered which floor it was on. I also knew that Harris had moved out of their apartment into one on the same floor as Jace St. Charles.
Some of my pleasure at being with Drake evaporated. I didn’t know how to handle seeing his sister right now. We hadn’t talked in months and I still didn’t know where I stood on the whole Tessa-Harris-Jenna nightmare. I wanted to blame her, but deep down, I knew it wasn’t really her fault. She’d gotten clean and broken things off with Tessa. How could she have known what would happen afterward?
Still, I tensed as the elevator lifted. It paused in the lobby for a moment to let on a blonde in a baseball cap and an outfit that looked both expensive and trashy. I shot Drake a look and rolled my eyes at him, causing him to grin. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me against his side. The blonde didn’t even spare us a second glance as she stabbed the button for the floor she was getting off on.
I wasn’t surprised at the floor she was going to, but didn’t question it as the doors opened and let her off. Gray Knight was probably expecting company, or any number of other residents on that floor. Part of me wanted to jump off with her and go knock on Harris’s door, but he was probably still asleep and I had promised Drake I’d go with him.
“You can see the boy anytime,” Drake grumbled as the doors shut again.
“You read minds now?” I asked with a smirk.
“Baby-cakes, I’ve known you since you were six years old. I know you just as well as I know my own girls. Yeah, when it comes to Harris Cutter, I can read you loud and clear.” His arm tightened, a dark look passing over his eyes. “At least I thought I could.”
My teeth sank into my bottom lip because I knew what he was thinking. “Don’t beat yourself up over that, Dray. Mom and Dad didn’t know. Harris didn’t even know. I hid it really well.”
“Yeah,” he muttered. “Yeah.”
Thankfully the elevator came to a stop right then and we exited onto Jenna’s floor. Pulling me with him, Drake went down the hall to Jenna’s apartment and knocked. It opened a few seconds later, but I wasn’t expecting the beautiful little blonde who answered the door.
Seeing me, Angie’s face split into a welcoming smile. “Hey, stranger.”
I stepped forward to hug her. “Hi. I wasn’t expecting to see you here.”
She shrugged. “Jenna and I are good friends.” She waved us inside. “Jenna’s just getting ready. She shouldn’t be much longer.”
Drake nodded. “Thanks, Ang. I appreciate you helping me put this together.”
“What exactly is it, by the way? You still haven’t said.” Obviously my surprise was for both me and Jenna, but I couldn’t figure out what it could be. With Drake, it could be almost anything.
He shot me a wink. “And you won’t until we get there.”
I crossed my arms and huffed. “I don’t know why I love you.”
“Yeah you do.” He grinned.
My lips twitching with amusement, I rolled my eyes. “Yeah,” I admitted, “I do.”
One of the bedroom doors opened and Jenna walked out. I tried to keep my surprise at her appearance from showing on my face, but I wasn’t sure I was completely successful. Jenna had lost a lot of weight. More so than when she’d been getting high more often than not. She had dark shadows under her haunted blue-gray eyes, and her hair looked dry and lifeless.
That was all it took. That one look at her, and I knew she had more than paid for her part in what had happened to Harris. Any punishment I could have thought up wouldn’t have come close to how much she had been punishing herself. My anger with her disappeared and was replaced with compassion as I stepped forward without even thinking about it and hugged her.
Jenna’s thin body tensed at first. I knew she was still upset because she thought I was trying to turn Harris against her, but I’d try to fix that. After a long moment I heard her blow out a shuddery breath and her arms wrapped around me too. “It’s good to see you,” she murmured against my ear.
I pulled back enough to look up at her. “You too. I’m so sorry, Jen.”
She gave me a shaky smile. “Me too.”
Drake cleared his throat. “If you ladies are ready? We have an appointment in half an hour.”
Angie, still standing by the door, opened it. “You three have fun.”
Jenna grabbed her purse and keys and followed us out. As she passed Angie, the little blonde grasped her hand and gave it a small squeeze. “Call me later, okay?”
The look that crossed Jenna’s face was so intense I had to look away. Their friendship was closer than I realized and I was glad that Jenna had someone so kind in her life to help her.
The door closed behind us and Drake took each of our hands. “Angie wouldn’t say where we were going,” Jenna told her brother as we stepped into the elevator.
“He wouldn’t tell me either,” I assured her as the elevator started to lower.
“You’ll both have to wait and see. It’s not long now, so you can wait a little longer.”
Back in the car, Drake pulled out of the garage and into traffic. Jenna and I had both taken the back seat because I wanted to talk to her. I hadn’t seen her since January and I wanted to catch up.
There wasn’t much to catch up on, though. She hadn’t left her apartment in weeks. I quickly realized that Angie was her only connection to the outside world other than Shane and Drake, who visited her once a week. My heart hurt for her because I knew she was having such a hard time since her sister had stopped talking to her. When Jenna was younger, she and Natalie had been closer than any sisters I’d ever seen. Closer than even my relationship with Lana. The distance had first started when Natalie had given birth to Trinity, and only gotten worse over the years as Jenna had gone out to explore the world with her art. Since January, their relationship had become completely cut off.
The time passed quickly and when Drake pulled to a stop I took a look around. We were in West Hollywood and Drake had parked right outside one of the best tattoo shops in the state. “We’re getting ink?”
He shot me a grin. “Of course.”
“All of us?” Jenna frowned as she got out on her side and looked up at the shop. “I’m not a big fan of tattoos, Dray.”
“You have a few,” he said. “One more won’t hurt you.”
“But—”
He didn’t give her time to protest. Taking her hand, he led the way into the tattoo shop. The place was quiet when we entered, but three men stood behind the front counter, all of them looking bored until they saw Drake.
The guy in the middle moved around the counter and stepped forward to greet us. “Stevenson. Good to see you.”
They shook hands and he pulled Jenna forward. “You guys ready for us?”
“We’re all set up. Just tell us where you want them and we’ll get started right away.” He nodded toward the other two guys. “I have my two best guys ready for the girls.”
“Thanks, man. Give me a second with them, will you?”
Without questioning it, the three guys disappeared into the back, and Drake slowly turned to face me and Jenna. I was beyond curious now. Not only were we getting ink, but apparently Drake had already picked out what we were getting. What the hell was going on?
His blue-gray eyes, when I saw them, completely stopped anything I might have said. The look on his face told me that this was important to him. Jenna’s hand was still in his, but he reached for mine and gave us both a firm squeeze. “You two are more than family to me. I love you both so damn much and it’s killing me that you are both going through so much. That you’ve both felt so alone and have done things to yourselves that could have taken you away from me forever.”
I lowered my eyes to the floor, unable to look at him a second longer. I doubted the shame of what I had done would ever leave me.
Beside me, I felt Jenna tense. “What are you talking about?” I could actually feel her gaze on my down-bent head. “Lucy, what’s he talking about? Are you okay?”
Biting on the inside of my bottom lip, I reluctantly reached for the bracelet on my left wrist and pulled it off. Drake let out a hiss, because it was the first time he was seeing the proof of my cutting. Jenna’s cold fingers gripped my arm and pulled my wrist closer. “Oh, God, Lucy. I had no idea.”
“No one did,” I mumbled.
Drake exhaled long and hard. “No one knew about either of you. Now we do. Now I do. I don’t pretend to know what’s good for either of you right now. I seriously doubt the two of you know what is either, and that’s okay. The road to getting better is a long one, and from my own experience, that road never gets any shorter. Maybe it gets easier to walk, but it never ends.”
My eyes shot back up to him. “You’ve done a great job, Dray.”
He gave me a grim smile. “I’ve had help, Lu. I’ve gone to meetings, I’ve had people stand behind me and I have my Angel and our babies to keep me on the straight and narrow. But you two, you haven’t had that. Not really. Today, I want to show you both that no matter what, I’m here for you always.”
Jenna’s brows lifted. “With tattoos?”
His grin was both sad and amused. “With tattoos,” he agreed. “But not just any tattoos. Something that the three of us can share and when you two feel like the world is going to hell you can look at it and know I’ll be there for you.”
Tears filled my eyes. “I-I’ve always known that, Dray.”
“Maybe, but now you’ll never forget it.”
A semicolon.
I loved writing, but I’d never thought of a semicolon as a possible piece of art to put on my body. But the meaning behind it was perfect for me. A semicolon represents a sentence an author could have ended, but chose not to. Project Semicolon represented those who battled not only thoughts of suicide, but fought daily with addiction, depression, and self-injury. It was the perfect ink for all three of us. It represented the three of us in our own fucked-up ways perfectly and was possibly the link I needed to help me through what might come in the future. We each got them in black and on our right wrists. I loved them and it only made me feel that much closer to a man who had always been there for me.
It made me feel closer to Jenna as well.
Maybe her addiction wasn’t exactly like my need to hurt myself, but we could still help each other. I could be there for her and she could be there for me. We didn’t have to feel so alone. We didn’t have to hide our illnesses from each other or worry if the other was going to judge. Knowing that was kind of cathartic.
It seemed that way for Jenna too.
After our tattoos, Drake took us for food not far from Jenna’s apartment. We sat out on the sidewalk, eating sandwiches and drinking sodas. The sun felt good on my face and I wasn’t looking forward to getting back into the car, so afterward, I told Drake I was going to walk with Jenna back to her place and then call Kin.
I was supposed to meet up with her and Jace so we could go to First Bass together. I was looking forward to hanging out with them. It would be like old times with the bonus of meeting Jace’s sister, Kassa.
Kin knew about my cutting. I couldn’t keep it from her when everyone else knew. She hadn’t taken it well. Like my mother, she had blamed herself for not realizing what I did to myself. I couldn’t understand why everyone was putting the blame on themselves. I’d made damn sure none of them knew. It was all on me. No one else.
Sliding my arm through Jenna’s, we walked the few blocks to her apartment.
“Today has been a really good day,” she murmured as we neared the building. “It felt good to get out.”
The surprise in her voice broke my heart. “Well, you’ll have to do it more often. How about going to dinner with me and Harris on Saturday?” I looked up at her as we continued to walk, giving her a warm smile. “Angie can come too.”
Her eyes brightened at the mention of Angie. “I’d really like that.”
“Me too.” We paused outside the building and I gave her arm a squeeze. “Harris misses you.”
Her lashes lowered. “I miss him too. But…”
“No buts. It’s settled. We’ll have dinner. You and Harris will make up and we’ll all live happily ever after.” I winked at her and reached for the door.
As we started to enter, the chick who had gotten on the elevator with Drake and me earlier stormed out. She looked pissed and her clothes were in complete disarray. She bumped into Jenna and didn’t even apologize.
“Bitch,” I called after her, angry that she’d nearly walked over Jenna. “Watch where you’re going.”
I got the finger in response as she stepped into the waiting car on the street. “Are you okay?” I asked Jenna as we stepped inside.
“I’m good. She didn’t hurt me.”
“Do you know her?” I glanced through the glass door and watched as the car the chick had just gotten into drove away. “Does she live here?”
“Not that I know of, but I don’t know everyone who lives here. The only people I see are Harris and the TK guys. She looked familiar, though. Probably some celeb,” Jenna mused as we waited on the elevator. “Forget about her, Lu. I already have.”
Shrugging, I followed her into the elevator when the doors opened. “How about Mexican on Saturday?”
“Sounds good to me, babe.” Her blue-gray eyes looked uncertain, though. “Are you sure this will be okay with Harris?”
“Jenna, he loves you. Of course it will be okay.”
“I’ve missed him so much, Lucy. He’s the only friend I have left other than Angie. Nat…” Her voice cracked and she shook her head. “She won’t even talk to me.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. I wanted to help her, but I had no idea how or even if I could. Instead, I changed the subject. “Let’s go shopping Saturday morning. We could get our hair cut and a new outfit. Angie and Kin can come with us. We’ll have a girls’ day.”
“Maybe just the two of us?” she suggested. “I’d like to go with the others, but…” She shrugged. “I’d rather it just be us.”
Baby steps.
“Sure,” I said with a nod. “Of course. Just us, I promise. Whatever you want, Jen.”
“Thanks, Lucy.” The elevator slowed down and finally stopped on her floor. “It means a lot to me.”