Savy

The Havoc MC Compound is in a deserted area of the city, surrounded by a barbwire fence. There’s another cut wearing prospect guarding the entrance of the chain link gate. His dark eyes pierce mine when Caleb and I ride through the gates of Havoc. I shiver despite the warm temperature. I feel like I’ve just entered the gates of hell.

We pull up to an old brick warehouse that has a large reinforced steel door. After dismounting, Caleb grabs my hand and leads me to the entrance of the Compound. I step into the brick building and I’m afraid for a wholly different reason. I trust Caleb, but I have stepped into a room full of the type of men I vowed to stay away from. But here I am letting the President of Havoc, lead me into the devil’s playground.

There’s a bar to the right with several men wearing the same cuts I’ve come to know. As soon as we enter the Compound, the room goes quiet except for the rock music blaring from speakers somewhere in the room.

All eyes are on me.

Caleb gives my hand a reassuring squeeze. I’m crushing his massive hand in my clinched fist. I’m freaking out and ready to run out of the Compound never to return. He continues to pull me through the Compound to a back room.

“Church in one hour,” Caleb roars. The atmosphere in the room changes. All the men stop staring at me and stare at Caleb as he pulls me the rest of the way into the room, slamming the door behind us.

“Start talking. Why are you running from Paul?” Caleb’s change in demeanor rocks me.

He is tense and his eyes are piercing though I’m not afraid. He asked me to trust him, so I am. I’m thankful that Caleb called him Paul, not my father because he is anything but a father.

“Where’s Skull with Ena? Did he get her? I need to make sure she’s okay.” My attempt at deflection doesn’t work.

“Savy, she’s fine. They are on the way here. Now talk.”

“You don’t understand. I can’t tell you,” I say with a hitch in my voice. “The less you know, the better for everyone.”

What will he think of me once he knows what I’ve done?

“No, you look,” he states in return, “I’m involved whether you want me to be or not. I don’t give a fuck what you say. I don’t know why, but you have a pull on me, baby. I can’t explain it, but I’m involved and to help you, I need to know what you’re running from. You already made your choice. There’s no turning back.”

And the dam broke.

I cry like a baby in front of a man. But he’s not just a man. He’s the man I’m attracted to. I don’t understand why, but I cry without the fear of showing my weakness. He wraps me in his arms and rocks me back and forth. The motion soothes something inside me that has been broken for over ten years. It’s not completely healed, but it’s fusing together like new calcium on a broken bone.

As the tears ease, Caleb continues to hold me and I want to cry more. The tenderness he is showing me makes no sense. How can he be so gentle? This large rough man, my gentle biker. Finally, Caleb lets me go and I pace back and forth along the side of the long oblong table with the Havoc emblem embedded in the wood. I have to move or I’ll break down again, and honestly, I’m sick of crying. Now is not the time for tears. I need to make sure Ena is safe and if I'm being honest with myself, it’s time to tell someone my story. But I don’t want to be honest with myself, denial is the only thing getting me through this right now.

“You don’t even know me that well, how can I have a pull on you?” I say to myself. My brows are furrowed in confusion as I look toward Caleb. He’s leaning against the wall with an amused look on his face. But it’s not just an amused look. It’s something else, possibly love?

Don’t be stupid, Savannah! It’s not love. That sounds crazy.

But I feel it too. I can’t explain it, but I’m drawn to Caleb. It was instant. From the first time I laid eyes on him I felt it in my heart, but how is that possible?

He’s just being nice to you. Don’t be an idiot.

Caleb lives a life of danger, and I have a driving need to disappear because a bigger threat is back. That threat is hell bent on getting to my sister, but something is pushing me to trust Caleb. I’ve always trusted my instincts before, they haven’t steered me wrong.

Hard pounding on the large wood door, stops me in my tracks and I look to Caleb with wide eyes. He flashes an easy smile. Whoever is on the other side of the door isn’t a threat. My suspicions are confirmed as Skull walks in before Caleb can tell him to enter. He’s pulling Ena into the room by the hand. As soon as I see her, I lunge toward her to wrap her in a tight embrace. Ena looks terrified, but when she sees me, she rushes toward me too. She returns the hug with the same intensity.

“Are you okay?” Rubbing my hands over her head, face, shoulders and arms, I need to make sure she’s all right. There hasn’t been a threat to her directly, but the return of Paul has unnerved me. Seeing the fear on Ena’s face has revealed just how afraid I am and it reaffirms my driving need to leave. But I told Caleb I would be brave. I want to be brave. I just hope my bravery doesn’t get anyone killed.

Turning to Skull I say, “Thank you. Thank you so much.” Tears glisten in my eyes.

Again.

The shit is getting annoying.

I take a deep breath to stop my tears from falling.

“You’re welcome.” His eyes never leave Ena. Ena, shifts from one foot to the other, she looks uncomfortable, but she’s staring right back at Skull.

Oh hell no! Snapping my fingers in his face, I say, “Hey! She’s seventeen. Stop that!”

“Savy!” Ena says.

I ignore Ena as I stare Skull straight in the eyes. He needs to know I never back down, especially when it comes to Ena.

That was the wrong thing to say as Skull narrows his eyes at me. “Look, I don–”

“Skull! Get the fuck out. We got church as soon as I know what the fuck we are dealing with here. Make sure everyone is ready.” Diablo booms and Skull snaps his mouth shut. Skull keeps staring me down with his teeth clenched. He’s obviously not used to someone challenging him. As he turns to leave, he catches Ena’s eyes again, and she blushes.

Fuck.

No way am I letting that happen. She’s seventeen.

Once the door closes, Diablo turns his attention to Ena. “You okay, kid?”

“Yes,” she states. Worry plain in her eyes.

“Sit down, sweetheart.” He pulls out a chair for Ena and she sits in it stiffly.

For the first time since entering the room, I look around. The room is large and has a large table in the center, pictures of what look to be the past and present members of the club line the walls. Some pictures are mug shots while others are more candid photos taken at large gatherings. On the center of one wall hangs a Havoc MC flag with a giant skull with horns like the devil, its mouth open as if screaming. Red, orange, and yellow flames shoot up around the skull. It is the same as the center patch on the back of all the club members’ cuts.

“Savy.” His gentle timber draws my attention away from the fiery skull and back to Ena and Diablo.

“Is there somewhere Ena can go? I don’t want her to hear this.”

“What? Hear what, Savannah? Stop hiding shit from me.” Tears begin streaming down her face, but her determination is clear.

Moving to the seat next to her I try to explain. “I know you’re upset and scared, but I can’t do that to you, McKena. There are just some things I can’t tell you, I won’t tell you.” The vice in my chest tightens. Her beautiful face is sullen and the tears running down her face break my heart. Havoc will protect us, but some things even Havoc can’t protect us from. “Ena we aren’t going anywhere. Havoc has agreed to protect us.”

Ena’s tears dry immediately, and she has a huge smile on her face, despite the danger we are now facing. I know we should go, but Ena loves it in Sage and I want her to be happy. She cannot be happy while running across the country hiding from a mad man.

“Thank you, Savy!” She clutches my hand a little too tight, and I cringe. The pain inflicted by the surfer the night before, forgotten. At my grimace, Ena freezes. “What happened?” A look of horror crosses her features, and her eyes snap to Diablo.

“It’s fine. I had an asshole at the club last night. I took care of it.”

Whispering so Diablo cannot hear her, “Are you sure?”

Diablo heard her too because the tension in the room ramps up. “Yes I’m sure, Ena. Diablo has been a gentleman, despite his name.” Giving a small smile to my sister, I try to calm her fears. I know Diablo wouldn’t hurt me, but Ena doesn’t know that.

At least I think I know.

So far he has done nothing but help me. He’s a dangerous man and Ena doesn’t know we can trust him, yet, though my words seem to ease the tension. Deep down, I’m hoping I didn’t just drag Ena to the depths of hell with me.

“Savy, I need you to talk to me. I can take Ena to my room if you want.”

“No!” At her cry, Skull comes barreling back into the room. As I’m about to demand he leaves again, Ena asks, “Please, Savy, can he stay?”

Narrowing my eyes, I say, “Fine.” I never could deny her.

“Thank you. I love you, Savy, but you have been holding this secret too long. I know there’s more that you haven’t told me, but I need to know too. Please.” Her pleading does it.

With a long pause, I finally say, “McKena, once I tell you, you can never forget. I don’t want that for you. I never said anything because I don’t want that on your soul.”

“Savannah, I love you. I’d do anything for you. Don’t you know that?” she says with sadness. “You can trust me, and by the looks of it, you can trust Havoc too.”

The accuracy of her words strike me. I guess I knew all along. From the moment I laid eyes on Caleb. I knew I could trust him, despite not even knowing his name.

Sighing, I give in. I have been holding this secret for too long. And it’s time Ena knows the full truth. It’s ugly, but she deserves to know. She’s been on the run with me all this time. I look into Caleb’s beautiful black eyes. “As I told you before, Paul is my father. He has been looking for us ever since I kidnapped Ena about ten years ago.” I pause to gauge Caleb’s reaction, but he doesn’t look disgusted or surprised. He has a perfectly blank face and isn’t giving anything away. I cannot tell what he is thinking, so I continue.

“My mother, Mary, and Paul met when they were in college. They fell madly in love and planned to spend the rest of their lives together. They had the typical boy meets girl romance, you know? After my parents graduated from college, I was born. Back in those times, life was good. It was incredible even. Paul was a cop, and Mom was an elementary school teacher. We had the perfect family.” Tears begin to stream down my face, but I continue with my hands clutched together in my lap. I’m too afraid that if I let go, I’ll stop and never continue my story.

“I wanted a sister or brother so bad that I asked my mom for a baby every day. And I finally got one. McKena was born and life got even sweeter. At least I thought so. I was just a kid, what the hell did I know about my parents’ marriage other than, they were the best parents in the world?”

Ena reaches out and grabs my hand, gently forcing my grip to loosen.

“My mom was diagnosed with advanced stage cervical cancer before Ena was born. She refused treatment because she was pregnant. She said she wanted to give her baby a chance at life. So she sacrificed her own.”

Ena tightens her grasp on my hand. It’s almost painful, but not as painful as the past. “Mom was given six months to live. Her odds would have been better, but she refused treatment for my sister.” I turn to look at Ena and I see she is silently crying. Skull is gripping her shoulder. It’s sweet that he is comforting her, but she’s only seventeen, and I don’t like it. For now, I say nothing.

“After Ena was born, Mom started aggressive chemotherapy and radiation, but nothing seemed to work. The chemo just made her sick, and so she stopped treatment. Ena was just a baby so she has no memories of Momma, only what I’ve told her over the years. I remember the sound of her throwing up in the middle of the night only to have her attempt to be the same happy school teacher the next morning. She wasn’t. She was dying, and I was angry.”

Caleb moves to sit on my other side, grabbing my free hand. The strength in his hold grounds me. “One day, she wanted to cheer me up. I had been having a hard time. You know my mom was dying and all, and my new sister was taking all the attention.” Shaking my head, I can’t believe I was so angry at my mom for being sick, and I was pissed at Ena for being born. I’m disgusted at myself.

“One day we were going to the museum. It was one of Mom’s and my favorite places to go. Dad loaded us into the car, and we dropped Ena off at the babysitter’s house. It was supposed to be my special day with Mom and Dad like we used to have. They were trying to make lasting memories.”

I pause as my voice cracks. Taking a deep breath, I continue while the vice in my chest tightens. It becomes harder and harder to breathe. I pause again, and a reassuring squeeze on my shoulder allows me to continue. It’s Caleb’s hand on me. I know without looking.

“We never made it to the museum that day. We had a car accident on a bridge. The car went over the edge, and we sank. Paul was able to free himself from his seatbelt, but I was strapped in the back, and I couldn’t breathe. I remember Mom looking back at me, and the panic in her eyes told me everything I needed to know. I would never see her again. Paul attempted to save Momma first, but she fought him. She pushed him away and frantically pointed. She pointed at me! She died for me!”

“Paul squeezed in the back of the car, and he saved me. He saved me, and Mom died. She died because he chose me.” I push out the words, unable to stop myself from crying.

This is the first time I ever talked about what happened in the car that day, and just speaking the words hurt. The pain in my chest is immense and I’m struggling to take in air. I remember the burning in my chest and back from not being able to breath under the water, the rush of sweet cold air as our bodies finally reached the surface, and my pained cries as I realized my mother was sinking to the bottom of the river still strapped into her seat. “I knew. I knew Mom wouldn’t make it. She was fragile already. She couldn’t breathe, and he saved me. She died, and I lived, and I killed her,” I cry. “I was so angry that she was dying, and I wanted to go to the museum that day. We would have never been on the bridge that day if I hadn’t asked to go.”

“No! Savy, it’s not your fault.” Hysterically crying, Ena tries to make me see reason, but no matter what she says, I know it was my fault. My mom was dying, but she died sooner than expected because of my actions.

I will never forgive myself.

“Yes Ena, it is my fault.”

“No!” She sounds defeated, but she knows it’s true. They all do. I’m afraid to look at Caleb. I can’t handle the judgment I’ll see in his eyes.

“Yes! It’s my fault. Can’t you understand that?” I scream.

“No it’s not! Why can’t you fucking understand what I’m saying?” she screams back.

“Babe. It’s not your fault. How old were you?” Diablo asks before I can reprimand Ena for cussing.

“Eight.”

“You were a fuckin’ kid who was losing her mom to cancer. Of course you were angry, but did you crash that car? Were you driving? No. It’s not your fault, little bird.” The steel in his voice doesn’t change my mind.

It’s your fault she’s dead.

I continue my story so they can stop trying to convince me of my innocence. “After the funeral, Paul treated me different. I was no longer his precious little girl. He blamed me, too. And he was right, but he was terrible to me. He beat me almost every day. No matter how small the offense, he doled out beatings, and I took them because I never knew if he would lash out at McKena. It was my penance to pay. So I took each fist, each kick. I knew every day I would be beat so badly that I wouldn’t be able to lay down. The bruises and open wounds were so bad that I slept leaning against my bedroom wall several times a week.”

“I remember. I remember that you were sleeping while standing, but I didn’t know why. I asked you all the time, but you always had an excuse. You said it was from sports, or you tripped, or some other accident from being clumsy. I never realized you didn’t even play sports until I was much older. I’m so sorry, Savy. I should have done something,” Ena sobs.

I release my grip on Ena and Caleb’s hands and place my shaking palms on each of Ena’s cheeks. “Baby, I didn’t want you to see it. I don’t want you to remember. You know that?”

All she does is nod her head. I release her face and look down at the wood table. I avoid the stares of the only three people I’ve confided in. The humiliation is too much to bear. “Between beatings, Paul let his friends rape me. Every day there was someone new. He was a cop so telling someone about what was happening wouldn’t have stopped them from coming around. I learned to keep my mouth shut.”

“Fuck,” Ena says.

“Shit,” both Caleb and Skull say at the same time. The vehemence in their voices causes me to jump, but I continue. I can’t stop now.

“It lasted for three years until I killed Paul’s best friend Jon. He was a cop too. I shot him between the eyes as he entered Ena’s room one night. I was already dead inside, but I couldn’t allow them to hurt Ena too.”

The anguish on Ena’s face gives me pause, but I don’t stop. I’ve opened the dam and can’t control the flow of words or emotions that I feel.

Looking up to meet Ena’s eyes, I say, “I overheard Jon and Paul talking about letting Jon rape Ena so I waited in her bedroom for him to come in. I made her stay hidden in the backyard until I came for her.” Her sharp intake of breath almost stops me, but I have to get it all out. “I couldn’t let him do that. It killed me every time someone raped me. I felt like less of a person and would have rather been dead. I couldn’t let him kill the sweet little girl I loved, so I killed him. I shot him between the eyes as he pulled back the covers to her bed, and I don’t feel bad about it. The bastard took my innocence, but I would not let that happen to Ena so I shot him and I ran out of the house into the backyard. Then I bundled up Ena and we left.”

My hands are shaking, despite each of them again being held by Ena and Caleb, and my voice is quivering, but I must continue because after today, I don’t want to talk about my abuse again.

“Where did you go?” Caleb asks.

“I was sixteen by then, and Ena was just eight, but looked much younger. I pretended to be her mom and caught a bus out west. I checked the papers frequently, but he never reported us missing. I saw a news story about Jon’s murder one day. They blamed it on an unknown suspect. They covered it up to hide the horrible shit he did, but I didn’t care. The bastard got what he deserved and I’ve never missed a wink of sleep for the life I took.”

I pause to slow my breathing. “We moved occasionally, never settling down anywhere because there was always a chance he would find us. We were free for a while, but then he found us and again we took off. A few years ago I saw him again. That time on the street in Oklahoma, and we ran again, and now he has found us again.”

The vice in my chest loosens. In fact, the weight has lifted. For the first time in what seems like forever, I can breathe freely. I love Ena with my whole heart. And I would do anything to take care of her. Anything, but I fear telling her the truth will ruin her.

The way she is looking at me tells me, I just shattered her world.