It was a lonely school year for me.
My world wasn’t the same anymore and I felt like I was just going through the motions of day-to-day life. My parents were now officially divorced. I saw my mom less than I did before. She drowned herself in work, to appease her heartache. I talked to my dad here and there. He tried to be more active in my life, but it wasn’t the same.
Nothing ever was.
Dylan, Jacob, and Lucas were all at Ohio State experiencing college life and Alex was going through her own shit, as was Austin. The school year was almost over and I had seen Dylan maybe three times. Each visit was only a few days long. He came back home for his nineteenth birthday, for my eighteenth birthday and then again for the holidays. We talked on the phone almost every other day, but the conversations were short. Texting became our normal way to communicate. I had applied to a few colleges including Ohio State and to my surprise I got accepted. I still hadn’t told Dylan that bit of information. I didn’t want him to think I applied there to follow him, or pressure him to be committed to me.
Our relationship changed, like most long distance ones did. I didn’t know how to talk to him anymore or maybe I did and I was just scared. I spent most of my time by myself thinking, contemplating, and drowning in everything that was around me.
I was shocked as shit when Alex texted me saying she was going to one of Charlie’s infamous parties with Austin. She never went to parties. In fact, the last one she went to, she ended up throwing up. I had to cover for her with the boys while Lucas took her somewhere to tend to her. I stayed home instead and watched television late into the night. When my phone rang bringing me out of a dead sleep, I realized it was only early morning.
“Hello,” I groaned, wiping the sleep from my eyes.
“Aubrey,” my mom’s worried tone screeched through the phone.
I instantly sat up. “Mom. What’s wrong?”
“Honey, a taxi is on its way to come get you, okay? I will tell you what’s going on when you get here.”
“What? No!” I panicked, jumping off the couch. “Tell me now, what’s going on? Is everything okay?”
The line went silent except I could hear her breathing. She sighed. “I can’t leave or I would come pick you up myself. It should be there in a few minutes. Come into the ICU.”
“ICU? What’s going on? Just tell me, please. Are you okay?” My heart was pounding out of my damn chest, anxiety coursing through me.
“I’m fine. Your father is fine. I’ll see you in a little bit.” She hung up.
I stood there in shock listening to the silence for a second. My mind was reeling, trying to grab onto something, anything. I ran upstairs, having fallen asleep on the couch. I brushed my teeth and threw on a hoodie with some jeans. By the time I was done the taxi was honking in my driveway. I sat in the back seat with my heart in my throat the entire ride to the hospital. What should have taken minutes, felt like hours.
I came barreling through the ICU doors.
“Where’s my mom?” I yelled out to the receptionist who looked at me with sympathy.
What the fuck is going on?
“Aubrey,” Mom called from behind me.
I ran to her side. “What’s going on? You just hung up on me.”
She looked all around the open room and then back at me.
“Honey, last night…” She rubbed her forehead and then at her temples. “There’s been an accident. Austin and Alex have been in an accident.”
My eyes widened. “Oh my God,” I breathed out. “Please don’t tell me…” I couldn’t finish my sentence. My heart felt like it had broken into a million different pieces, only being able to think of the worse.
“They’re alive, but they’re in bad shape,” she explained.
“Are they going—” I stuttered, tears started rolling down my face.
“Austin is in much worse shape than Alex, he flew out the windshield. We had to put him in a medically- induced coma after we operated on his brain with the hope that it would help the swelling decrease. He’s suffered severe trauma to the head, honey, with several broken ribs, burns and deep cuts on his face and chest from the airbag and windshield. He’s going to need a lot of therapy, but it’s not impossible.”
My hand went to my mouth, my eyes filling up with tears.
“And Alex?” I asked, my voice breaking.
“Alex’s brain was swollen from her head busting the window, but we didn’t need to operate, it should go down on its own. But she’s still in a coma and should eventually wake up. We just have to be patient, head trauma is very serious and both of them will be under close watch for a while. She had to get some stitches on her forehead and lip. Other than that, she suffered minor cuts on her face, her arms and around her body. She’s bruised everywhere, along with a few broken ribs. I’m telling you all this because I don’t want you to be surprised when you walk in and see them,” she warned.
I shook my head not believing what was happening. “I don’t understand. How did this happen, Mom?”
“Austin was driving drunk and he ran into a tree. His alcohol level was .092, and Alex’s was .16, they’re lucky to be alive. It’s just a waiting game now. They have the best doctors taking care of them.”
“Are the boys—”
“Yes,” she interrupted.
I didn’t know what hurt more. That my friends were both fighting for their lives or the fact that Dylan didn’t even call to tell me. He obviously didn’t need me here to support him and that was the hardest pill to swallow.
“Lucas is in Alex’s room. He hasn’t left her side and Dylan and Jacob have been going back and forth between rooms. I believe they’re all in Alex’s room right now.”
“Is Lucas’ dad—”
“Yes, Dr. Ryder is here. His wife took Alex and Austin’s mom to get some coffee. They’re in room 702.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
“Come on, I’ll take you down there.”
I nodded again not able to form words. I barely felt it when she wrapped her arm around me and we walked side-by-side to Alex’s room. The boys didn’t even notice that we were standing at the doorway. Lucas was sitting in a chair in the back corner, Jacob leaned up against the wall and Dylan was sitting by her bed holding her hand.
I cried harder, seeing them all torn up with my best friend lying on a hospital bed, nearly unrecognizable. I couldn’t imagine what Austin looked like.
They all looked in my direction when they heard my sobs, Dylan didn’t even bat an eye that I was there.
“I’m so sorry,” I wept. I didn’t know what else to say.
“She’s going to be fine,” Lucas stated with a stern tone, I don’t know if he was trying to convince me or himself.
“Of course she is,” I replied, hugging my arms around my torso, trying like hell to hold it together.
“I’m going to go check on Austin, honey, I’ll be back. Talk to Alex, she can hear you even though she’s not awake,” Mom coaxed, trying to break the tension in the room.
“Okay,” I replied, but stayed put in the doorway.
She left and I just stood there as if I was an outsider looking in and not one of them anymore. I wondered what Dylan had told them, what they knew.
Dylan stood, nodding toward me to come sit. I swallowed hard, my heart beating faster with every step I took. He gestured toward the chair not breaking eye contact with me. He didn’t try to hold me or kiss me, nothing of what I expected him to do.
I sat, looking at the girl who I considered a sister, immediately feeling guilty for alienating her. I had barely spoken to her that whole year. She probably needed me the most this past year since she was just as alone as I was and yet I had shut her out. I had been too lost in my own mind and problems to care about hers. The thought that I might not ever be able to talk to her again, that something could go wrong was too much to take and I broke down. My upper body gave out on me, and falling over to her side.
“I’m so sorry, Alex. I’m so sorry that I haven’t been a better friend to you,” I sobbed, holding her hand tight in my own. “I promise I’ll make it up to you. Please just give me the chance,” I cried so hard into her hand. My body shook with each sob.
It was then that I felt Dylan’s strong hands press against my shoulders, rubbing at the tense muscles. I hadn’t felt his hands on me in such a long time. I couldn’t remember the last time we made love.
“She’s going to be fine, suga’.”
I also couldn’t remember the last time he called me that and it only made me cry harder.
“Promise?” I murmured loud enough for him to hear.
He crouched down beside me, whispering, “Always” in my ear.
I don’t know how long I stayed like that. My arms wrapped around her with his arms wrapped around me. It could have been seconds or hours. Time just seemed to stand still and from that moment on I knew I would hate fucking hospitals. I never wanted to see one again. Nothing good came from them. I had no idea how my mom could do this everyday. How she chose this over her family.
When Alex’s mom walked back into the room, I let her have my chair. I hugged her tight before she sat down to hold her daughter’s hand exactly how Dylan and I had.
“I’m going to take her to see Austin.” Dylan put his hand out waiting for me to follow him toward the door.
They nodded, looking back and forth between us.
“It’s good to see you guys. I miss you,” I said out of nowhere, needing them to hear it.
Jacob pulled me into a hug and kissed the top of my head, Lucas quickly followed. It felt like old times but under horrible circumstances.
“He’s not as strong as he pretends to be, Aubrey,” Lucas whispered in my ear, catching me off guard. “He needs you now more than ever. Don’t fuck with him if he’s not what you want.”
What was that supposed to mean?
I pulled away as our eyes locked, he smiled and kissed my forehead. Dylan grabbed my hand and I looked down at the ground not being able to face him after what Lucas just said. Dylan took me into Austin’s room and I didn’t have the same breakdown as I did with Alex. His mom was in the room and I wanted to stay strong for her even though I was massively hurting on the inside.
My mom went home to rest up for her next shift. When she returned to work, it was well into the night and she found me in the exact same place, as I was when she left. Sitting in the waiting room for something to change.
Any news.
I felt like I was getting in everyone’s space, the boys, their parents, and the staff. I thought it would be easier if I sat in the waiting room to stay out of the way. Dylan came out a few times to check on me, but never stayed long, not that I expected him to. He had barely said more than a few words to me and as much as I tried not to take it personally, I couldn’t.
Which only made me feel worse. I should have been thinking about my friends, but there I was thinking about my relationship.
Proving that I am selfish.
I really was my mother’s daughter.
We took the first flight out after our parents called. None of us even grabbed clothes. I thought about Aubrey the entire time. I wanted to call her and tell her I needed her, but every time I started to dial her number, I stopped. I knew her mom would take care of it and she would show up eventually. Things were tense between us. I didn’t even know where we stood half the time anymore. All I wanted was for my friends to be okay. I didn’t need any more problems than the ones that were already lying in comas struggling for their lives.
I was so pissed at Austin, I could barely fucking see straight. We all were. All we ever asked him to do was protect Half-Pint.
It was that simple.
Each one of us told him that he needed to step up and watch over her, while we were gone off at college. He looked all of us in the damn eyes and swore he would. I couldn’t say one damn thing about how I felt, because that would only provoke Lucas more to walk into his room and take him off life support, if I did. Jacob and I kept our mouths shut, knowing that nothing between them was ever going to be the same after this.
Especially if…
I pushed the thought away from my mind before it even fully formed. Terrified it would take over and I would be the one walking into Austin’s room. Although, Jacob was the oldest by a few months, I always felt like I was. These boys and Alex, they were my life. If I could trade places with either one of them, I would in a heartbeat. No questions asked. I couldn’t help but feel responsible for both of them fighting for their lives.
I walked out of Alex’s room needing to get some fresh air. I was starting to go stir crazy at the hospital and it had barely been two fucking days since the accident.
“Honey, you need to go home and get some rest. You can come back after you get a few hours of sleep. I promise I will have the cab there for you first thing in the morning,” Aubrey’s mom said as I walked up behind them stopping in the archway, to listen.
“I don’t want to leave.”
“Aubrey—”
“You don’t understand. What if I leave and something happens, huh? What if I don’t get to say goodbye. I can’t do it again, Mom. I can’t know someone might leave me and not get to say goodbye. Been there, done that already, remember? I can’t go through that again. Please don’t make me leave them,” she wallowed, neither one of them knowing I was standing there.
I didn’t step away. I was glued to the floor that felt like it was caving in beneath me.
“Oh, honey,” her mom sympathized. “Is that what—”
“Please let me stay. At least if something happens, I can say goodbye this time. They won’t leave me, too.” She was on the verge of hysterics.
All the air was knocked out of my body. The realization hitting me harder then a ton of fucking bricks. That’s why she wanted me to go, she would rather me leave on her terms.
I’m such a fucking idiot.
“Nothing is going to happen to them. They’re going to pull through, sweetheart. Look at me, I promise you. I’m treating them myself and I know they’re going to be just fine.” She pulled her into her arms and Aubrey visibly melted against her mom as she repeatedly kissed the top of her head. “Baby, your dad didn’t leave you. He left me. He divorced me. Not you, never ever you. You have to understand that. I’m so sorry it’s taken me this long to say it to you. He loves you more than anything in this whole world,” her mom declared, holding her at arm’s length so she could see the truth in her eyes.
“It doesn’t feel that way,” Aubrey murmured. “It hasn’t felt that way for a long time.”
“Oh, honey. Give me a chance, okay? I’m going to be there for you. Things are going to change. I promise you. You have no idea how I felt when your friends came in. God, Aubrey, I didn’t even know if you were with them. I swear I thought you were going to be pulled in next. My whole world flashed before my eyes. They’re going to make it because I will do everything in my power to make it happen.” She kissed her head again.
Watching such an intimate moment between them was something that I would take to the grave. Her vulnerability in that moment took me back to the time that I first fell in love with her. Back to a time that I didn’t know I missed till right now, back to a time that my life seemed complete because I had her.
All of her.
Things became much clearer to me now and it took everything in me not to run to her and tell her how much I loved her. How I would make everything better, how much I thought about her, dreamt about her, how hollow I felt on the inside because she wasn’t with me. How I debated so many damn times to transfer to Wilmington just to be near her again, just to see her smile every day. To tell her she was so damn beautiful, even when she was broken.
To promise her that I would never leave her, that she was mine.
“You can stay—” her mom was in the middle of saying as I walked up to them.
“I’ll take her home, ma’am,” I interrupted, both of them immediately wiping at their faces.
“You don’t have to—” Aubrey interjected, but I cut her short.
“Suga’, I’m taking you home.”
I gave her a stern look that told her I wasn’t going to back down on this. I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and tugged her into my side.
Her mom walked toward us, lovingly smiling. “Get some rest, too, okay? I’ll hold down the fort. Your friends are going to be just fine,” she reassured both of us.
“Thank you, ma’am.”
She gripped my shoulder for a few seconds and then walked back towards Alex’s room, leaving Aubrey and I alone in the waiting room. There wasn’t anyone else around, but us.
“You don’t have to take me home. I know you want to stay here.” She looked up at me, with tears still in her eyes.
I tugged on the ends of her hair, I couldn’t remember the last time I did that either.
“Dylan, what—” I placed my finger to her lips to quiet her.
“Not here.” I grabbed her hand. “Come on.”
We walked hand in hand out to my parents’ car that was parked in the parking structure. We drove in silence both of us lost in our own thoughts. When we got to her house, she went straight up to her room. I followed after I splashed some water on my face and made us some sandwiches. I knew neither one of us had eaten all day.
When I walked into her bedroom she was sitting in the middle of her bed with her legs pulled up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them. Exhaustion was evident on her face.
“You heard what I said didn’t you?” she asked, breaking the silence between us.
I set our plates on her nightstand and sat on the edge of her bed, resisting the urge to pull her toward me.
“It doesn’t matter.”
She glanced at me. “It doesn’t?”
“No,” I simply stated.
“And why is that?” she questioned not amused.
“Because I’m here now.”
“For Austin and Alex. You’re not here for me. You haven’t been here for me this entire year,” she blurted out. Her voice laced with nothing but anger and hurt.
“I know what you’re trying to do, darlin’, and I’m not falling for it. Not this time. Not ever again.”
She needed to get that through her pretty little head. No more fucking games.
“You just know everything, don’t you, McGraw?”
“When it comes to you, I do,” I countered.
She scoffed. “I don’t want you here. I don’t need you here. You can go.”
She was full of shit, but I didn’t call her out on it.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
I couldn’t take it anymore. The walls were caving in on me, my emotions suffocating me and burying me alive. I crumbled onto the bed, my body giving out on me.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I sobbed for what felt like the hundredth time that day. “Please just leave, Dylan, just leave me now because I won’t be able to live through it later.”
My body was shaking to the core.
My truths shattered all around me.
Dylan’s arms engulfed me, laying me against his chest. Tears streamed down my face. It felt so good for him to hold me, to feel his love and devotion, to feel everything that I desperately tried to push away for the last year. It was then that I openly bawled. I sobbed like a baby. Big, huge, ugly tears.
He placed my hand over his heart.
Calm.
Steady.
Secure.
Dylan.
“Shhh… feel my heart. Shhh…” he repeated.
I placed my face near the hand that was over his heart, wanting to feel his love beat against my cheek.
“I love you and I’m not going anywhere.” He kissed the top of my head. “Just me and you.”
“Promise?” I found myself saying.
He didn’t falter.
“Always.”