It didn’t take long for the inevitable to happen.
Almost a year later Lucas’ mom lay on her deathbed, surrounded by her loved ones. Family and friends flew in to say their last goodbyes. I tried to be there for Lucas and Lily. I could tell he was barely hanging on by a thread, and she rarely left her mom’s side. Not that I could blame either one of them. I dealt with things differently, I always had. I still dreaded the afternoon when it was my turn to have my time with her.
To say goodbye to a woman who had been like a mom to me.
I was always the strongest among us boys. It was the role I took on as a child, but I felt anything but that when I walked into her room to say my last goodbye. Nothing could have prepared me for the emotions that surged through my body, heart, and mind.
“Dylan-fuckin’-McGraw,” she rasped, making me laugh.
Bringing me back to the day she washed my mouth with soap when I was eight after she heard me say fuck to the boys.
She lovingly smiled, patting the side of the bed for me to sit. I took a deep breath, taking in her frail body where she lay about to say her last words to me.
“You have always been such a good boy and now you’re an even better man.”
“Yeah…”
“You know, Dylan, sometimes in life things happen that we can’t control. That we don’t understand. But it doesn’t matter because it still fucking sucks,” she drawled, trying to talk like me.
I chuckled.
She never spoke to me like that before, but I knew she was just trying to make me comfortable and make light of our goodbye.
“You were the first boy to start trouble, start cussing, picking up girls, the first at everything. You were also the first to take the blame when it wasn’t yours to take, defending the boys when they needed defending, protecting Alex the most when she never asked for it to begin with. And look at you now, baby, you’re a narcotics Detective. Do you have any idea how proud I am of you? I never worried about you, Dylan. Out of all you boys, you were the least of my concerns. I knew you would always lead with your heart, as much as you try to mask it with women.” She shook her head, frowning.
“It’s not who you are. It’s who you think you’re supposed to be. Like right now, you want to cry. You want to break down so badly, but you won’t because you’re strong. You’ve always been so damn strong for everyone else, even when you’re hurting inside.”
I swallowed hard.
“There’s a time and place for everything. Sometimes it takes us longer than we hoped, but that doesn’t mean that it will never come. It’ll just mean that much more when it finally does.”
I nodded, taking in her words.
“I’m going to be watching from Heaven, smiling and cheering you on, because no one deserves it more than you do.”
I bit my lip, my eyes watering.
“I prayed last night. I prayed for the first time in a long time, Dylan. For patience, strength, and courage. For love. Not for me… I’m not scared of dying. I’m terrified of what I’m leaving behind. My kids, you boys, my friends, and the love of my life. It’s you guys that will suffer. I’m going to a better place because it’s my time to go, but that doesn’t mean that you won’t feel me.” She placed her hand on my heart. “Here.”
I peered down at her hand, lost in what she was saying.
“I don’t have to tell you to watch over my kids. I know you will. You’ve been doing it your entire life.”
I blinked away the tears, not unable to hold them back any longer.
“Dylan-fuckin’-McGraw, I love you and one day you’re going to love yourself again too.”
I leaned in and hugged her unable to form words.
The next few days felt like they were zooming by, yet at the same time, standing still. All of us waited for the expected. Her heart started to give out one evening, and it was time for their dad to make the decision to take her off the machines that were keeping her alive. The pain she was feeling was noticeably unbearable. We could all see it in her eyes, she wanted to go, but was holding on for us.
After he made the decision that it was time to leave her in God’s hands, he came into the room. I stood with Lily in my arms and Lucas sitting next to me. Their dad bent down by her, holding her hand in his. She had maybe spoken five words all day. He looked down at her with tears filling his eyes and remorse for what he just decided.
He begged, “Please, tell me you love me, please, baby, tell me you love me.”
She pried open her heavy lids and whispered, “I love you."
He then kissed her forehead and cried, "Good, because I love you, too."
I had just witnessed one of the most beautiful, but painful moments of my life.
It was then that I bawled.
For a love that I yearned for, a love exactly like that, and finally realized that I might never get to have.
“You, stupid fucking bitch.” He backhanded me across the face so hard that I saw stars. “Fuck! I hate this goddamn town. Why? Why did I listen to you and move here? To fucking Oak Island?”
We relocated back to Oak Island four years ago when Lucas and Alex got married. Jeremy hadn’t let me live it down since. The only reason he agreed to move with me was he thought he wouldn’t have to deal with his father as often. Unfortunately, it backfired on him, and consequently, on me. He traveled all the time back to California and who knows where the hell else.
We had a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. Except when it came to me. That was a whole different story. I had to ask and tell him everything, or I’d pay for it.
Lucas and Alex got married almost a year after Lucas’ mom lost her battle to cancer. After everything they had been through they still found their way back to each other, and I was thrilled for them.
They were meant to be together.
I went to the wake and the funeral, but Dylan and I didn’t say one word to each other. He was in so much pain and there wasn’t anything I could do for him.
Not anymore.
The last time I saw him was a year ago for Lily’s twenty-third birthday in Nashville, but the truth was that Dylan had been trying for years to talk to me and help me. Always sending emails that I had to keep deleting out of fear that Jeremy would find them, always trying to call even though I never picked up, always offering help, lists of shelters and ways to help myself.
I always ignored him.
Lily just took off one day and moved to the Music City in Nashville. She had been living there since her mom died. She worked at a bar as their entertainment. Which didn’t surprise me, Lily was always singing, a talent way beyond her years. To my surprise Jeremy said we could go, but I should have known better. He never did anything for me, even though he claimed everything he did was for me.
We were late for our flight since he was hungover from the night before. He proceeded to blame me for it. Screaming at me like a damn kid that I didn’t wake him up early enough, that I didn’t give him an ibuprofen the night before. Hell, he blamed me for the heavy traffic. Alex and Lucas were getting suspicious. I lived ten minutes down the road from their house and hardly ever saw them. That’s one of the reasons why Jeremy agreed to go in the first place. Like the stupid woman I was, I jumped at the chance to see him.
Dylan.
Which was a waste since we didn’t talk at all. Jeremy wouldn’t let me out of his sight for more than a few seconds, making it nearly impossible to talk to anyone that much. Lily followed me into the bathroom at her bar to have a word. What she said would forever haunt me.
“Not everyone gets their happily ever after, Lily.” I tore the paper towel from her hand and looked back at the mirror, wiping the blood from my lip. Another wound from Jeremy’s handiwork for not paying enough attention to him.
“You’re wrong, Aubrey,” she stated, washing her hands in the sink next to me.
I looked at her through the mirror.
“You couldn’t be any more wrong. I hope by the time you realize that… it won’t be too late,” she spoke with conviction. She didn’t beat around the bush.
Hearing her say that was a tough pill to swallow.
I was still trying to get it down one year later.
At the end of the day I don’t know why we went. It was a huge mistake on my part.
The time wasn’t completely shitty for everyone. After three years of trying, Alex finally got pregnant that weekend. I couldn’t have been happier for them. Her blissful vacation was my very own hell.
They gave Alex’s stepson Mason a brother three months ago and named him Bo, her childhood nickname for Lucas. The day he was born I was getting ready to go to the hospital, but Jeremy put an end to that. He punched me so hard in the stomach. I spent the entire day in bed from the consequences of him not being happy with how I made his breakfast. He blamed it on me being in a rush to go meet my best friend’s newborn son.
Alex was so hurt that I wasn’t there for her. She hardly talked to me these last three months. I couldn’t blame her, I was an awful friend. When we got the invitation in the mail for a party at Alex and Bo’s house to celebrate the birth of Bo, and Jacob and Austin moving back to Oak Island, I was relieved that she still included me in her life.
“Jesus Christ, baby, I barely fucking touched you,” Jeremy said, reaching his hand up to my face.
I flinched when he caressed my cheek.
“Go get dressed so we can go to this stupid party. Do you see how much I love you? No one loves you like I do. No one.”
Bile rose up my throat.
I nodded as he tapped his cheek for me to kiss. I did, resisting the urge to fight back.
Which had been happening a lot more lately.
“Jesus Christ, man. If you want her so fucking bad, then just tell her,” Jacob argued.
I glanced at him. “What the fuck are you talking about?” I asked, knowing damn well what he meant, but I wanted him to say it.
“You’re staring at Jeremy like you’re ready to kill him. They’ve been together for years, bro, I don’t know if you have a chance anymore, but you’re never going to know unless you try.”
I cocked my head to the side with a shit-eating grin. “Oh,” I mocked. “So now that you’re permanently attached to Lily’s pussy, you’re an expert on relationships, are you?” I busted out laughing.
He jerked back, stunned that I was calling him out on what no one had yet to figure out. “I’m a Detective Jacob, I read people for a living. You do remember that right?”
“How long have you known?”
“Since she was ten?” I laughed again. “Always knew you liked little girls, I should arrest your sorry ass,” I chuckled, nudging his shoulder.
He scoffed. “You’re such a fucking dick.”
I laughed harder, I couldn’t help it. “Being in a relationship is making you soft, Jacob. Do I need to worry about your feelings now, too? Awww, I’d hate to make my best friend cry. Do you guys sit around and braid each other’s hair and shit?”
“This coming from the man whose hair has been down to his shoulders since he could walk? Who’s the one that grew a fucking pussy, huh?”
I shrugged. “You are what you eat.”
“But it tastes so damn good,” he rasped, and I clinked my beer with his.
“Touché, motherfucker, touché. When are you telling Lucas?”
“Soon.”
“Good thing you’re a lawyer, Jacob, because he’s going to need it after he tries to kill your ass.”
He took a deep breath.
“And you?”
“And me what?”
“You’re okay with it?”
“What other choice do I have? I love that girl. Even when she was a kid and annoying the shit out of me with her guitar early in the morning.”
He nodded, chuckling.
“Don’t hurt her again. It’s good to see her smiling,” I gestured towards Lily who was giggling with Half-Pint, looking so happy.
They locked eyes from across the room.
“I love her, Dylan. I love her more than anything. I always have.”
“No shit. If Lucas weren’t so far up Half-Pint’s ass since she could walk, he would have noticed it, too. But, I’ll tell you something.”
He looked at me.
“You hurt her again and I’ll be standing right there with Lucas while he buries your body. We clear?”
“Crystal.”
I patted his back. “Good talk, bro.”
It didn’t matter how many times I had been in this house it still felt like I had never left, as I gazed at the exact spot where I was on my knees begging Aubrey to stay.
We locked eyes from across the room.
As if she was thinking the same thing I was.
“I’m taking off,” Austin interrupted, rubbing his nose.
“What the hell are you doin’, man?”
He rolled his eyes. “Not this shit again. Give me a fucking break.”
“Wipe your nose a little better next time and maybe I won’t ask you.”
He bowed his head, sniffling and cleaning at his nose again.
“Get out of my fucking sight before I search you,” I warned.
He took a deep breath like he wanted to say something, but at the last second changed his mind, turned and left.
There was only so much I could take. I had to get the fuck out of there. I went to work instead. I had just gotten this undercover case and decided that now was as good as any to start. I sat in my car outside the shithole bar on the other side of town, waiting to see if anything would go down. I’d been sitting there since eleven and it was past two in the morning when all of sudden I saw Aubrey stumbling out of the bar.
“What the fuck?” I said to myself, getting out of my car to follow her down an alley. “Have you completely lost your goddamn mind?” I yelled out from behind her.
She instantly stopped.
“What are you doing here at this time of night by yourself?”
She spun to face me. “Trying to forget,” she simply stated.
“And what exactly are you trying to forget?”
“You, McGraw. I have spent the last ten years of my life trying to forget you.”
“Then that makes two of us, darlin’.”
“Right? Because you’ve spent so much time thinking about me,” she snapped.
“Lets get one thing straight, Bree, you asked me to mind my own fucking business and even though it went against everything I am and all my principles, I backed off, hoping that one day you would wake up. I was hoping those emails and phone calls would one day give you the push and strength that you needed to get out of this toxic relationship. Let me ask you something, Aubrey, how much do you truly know about your boyfriend, other than the fact he likes to use you as his goddamn punching bag?”
She jerked back.
“What? You don’t think I can tell? You think I buy the whole bullshit story of how good he is to you? How you try to pretend your life is so perfect? Come on, Bree, you know me better than that.”
“I don’t know you at all. Not anymore,” she yelled, pushing me away. I grabbed her by the wrist, stopping her from leaving.
“Is that right?”
She nodded not backing down.
“I wasn’t the one who left with that son of a bitch that night in the garage. I wasn’t the one who turned their back on me, time and time again. I was the one who’s been trying to help you for years! Jesus Christ, Aubrey, I’ve been your goddamn puppy, waiting with my tail tucked between my legs for ten fucking years. After that night I couldn’t do it anymore. The back and forth bullshit that you keep doing to me like I’m a fucking pussy at your beck and call is over.” I got up in her face, my adrenaline pumping hard.
Her chest heaved.
“But just because you haven’t seen me doesn’t mean I don’t know everything there is to know about you. At the end of the day, I’ll always be here looking out for you. I don’t know how to be any other way. So, let me ask you again… what do you know about your boyfriend?”
She opened her mouth but quickly shut it.
“That’s what I thought. Did you know that he was accused of rape in college and that Daddy the rich politician paid a shit-ton of money to save his little boy’s ass? How about the fact that he handles all the shady shit his father is involved in? Daddy keeps his hands clean by dirtying up his sons?”
“You’re lying.” She shook her head. Disbelief was written all over her pretty little face.
I scoffed. “I wish I was, darlin’. Here’s a good one, did you know that he has pussy in every fucking area code that he visits?”
She winced.
“Oh, so you are aware of that, and yet you’re still with him.” I shook my head. “Ten years, Bree, ten fucking years of your life you have spent existing. I know that you think you died that day on the trail, but no, suga’, you’ve been slowly killing yourself every single day since. How does it feel? Huh? What are you punishing yourself for exactly? I’m the one that fucked up, not you.”
Her eyes watered.
I dug a little deeper, inch by inch she was crumbling.
“I stayed away because I can’t see you hurt yourself anymore and know that you don’t care. Why are you protecting him? He’s nothing to you. It doesn’t matter how much damn makeup you use, Bree, the scars are already there, and I’m not talking about the bruises and cuts. You need help and I can’t help you unless you are ready to help yourself first.”
It was time for me to be the man I was supposed to be and get Aubrey back. I would make her mine once again no matter what it might cost me. Words always seemed to fail us so maybe I needed to give her a physical reminder. I needed her to remember what we used to share.
Our love.
I used the only weapon I could.
“When was the last time you were touched, Aubrey?”
“What?” she replied, taken aback.
“Kissed, loved? When was the last time someone made you come?”
She lowered her eyebrows. “You can’t talk to me like that. Who the fuck do you think you are, McGraw?”
I grinned. “That long, huh?”
“I’m not having this conversation with you.”
“Great, seeing as I don’t plan on talking.” I looked her up and down with a predatory regard. “Let me give you what you need,” I paused to let my words linger and then groaned, “Let me fuck you right, like old times. Let me fuck him out of you.”
“What?”
“Did I stutter?”
“You can’t just come here and-”
“And what? Tell me, darlin’, what can’t I do?”
“Dylan, please…”
I was over to her in three strides her back hitting the wall. I tugged on the ends of her hair and placed my hand behind her neck before she even saw it coming.
“Okay, only because you asked so fucking nicely,” I drawled out.
I kissed her.
For the first time in ten fucking years, I kissed the woman who belonged to me. And she didn’t stop me. I grazed her cheek with the tips of my fingers and placed a fallen piece of her hair behind her ear. My touch alone made her shutter.
The simple gesture made her lips part.
“Fuck, Aubrey,” I murmured in between kissing her. “Tell me to stop, push me away, tell me to go. If I keep kissing you, feeling you against me like this, I’ll never be able to let you go again.”
She opened her eyes and looked deep into mine.
“Promise?”
“Always.”
I purposely trailed my fingers down her neck. I lightly brushed my fingertips against the top of her heart, her rapid breathing causing her breasts to rise and descend every few seconds. Our eyes once again connected and for the first time in over a decade I finally saw what I longed for every day and night.
My girl.
Her eyes showed me everything that I so desperately wanted to hear. They spoke for her. When my hand reached her heart it was beating so profusely. I pulled her closer to me by the nook of her neck.
“I love you,” I whispered close enough to her mouth that I could feel her breath upon my lips.
“I know. I’ve always known,” she murmured, brushing her lips against mine.
I smiled against them. “What do you want, suga’, I’ll give you whatever you fucking want. Just say the words, I’m yours.”
“You. Touch me. Please, touch me.”
There was silence again.
I gripped the front of her neck, my thumb and index finger clutching her pulses. “I know what you feel like when you come, suga’, I know how your face gets flushed. I know you stop breathing just slightly before your pussy starts to pulsate so fucking tight that it pushes my fingers out of it.” I bit her bottom lip and then kissed her softly. “I know what you taste like.”
She swallowed the saliva that had pooled in her mouth. Her breathing elevated, showing me that I was getting to her. I moved my hand from her neck down to her inner thigh, pushing aside her panties and slowly caressed her soft bare folds.
“But most importantly, I know what it feels like to be inside you.”
She gasped when my fingers rubbed against her like I knew she loved. I pecked her lips as I played with her clit, getting her nice and wet.
“And I’m not talking about this.” I pushed two fingers inside as I pressed my hand against her heart.
“Here.”
She tilted her head back slightly and kissed me, soft at first, testing the feel of my mouth around hers. The way her lips claimed mine told me she wanted me to keep going, keep taking what was still mine.
Even after all these years.
I savored both the taste and the feel of her, how her body angled perfectly beneath mine, and she melted against me, taking everything I was giving her and wanting more.
Wanting everything.
“Do you want me?” I whispered in her ear, as I continued my assault down her neck. “Do you want me to make you come?
Silence.
“Tell me…” I urged, pushing my fingers deeper into her sweet spot.
She moaned, “Right there.”
“Where?” I cocked my head to the side, not moving our lips apart. “Here?”
“Yes…”
“Tell me.”
“I want you,” she finally panted, gliding her tongue into my mouth as her walls tightened around my fingers so close to coming undone.
“Oh my God,” she panted.
“What? Oh my God, what, suga’?”
Her eyes rolled to the back of her head and her legs trembled. I instantly removed my fingers and she whimpered at the loss. I kissed her one last time, slowly leaning away from her. She followed until she couldn’t anymore, opening her eyes with a questioning stare.
“You don’t get my love again until you’re fully mine.”
Her eyes widened in shock.
“I’m always here for you. No matter what, I’m always fucking here. When you’re ready to move forward, call me.”
I tugged on the ends of her hair and then left her standing there in the alley. As much as it killed me, it was time to show her tough love.
All I could do was hope it was enough.
“Where the fuck have you been?” Jeremy roared when I walked through the door.
I violently shook my head, clenching my teeth. “What are you doing here?”
“What am I doing here? This is my fucking house!” he yelled, making his way over to me. I didn’t cower.
He gripped my hair so hard that I thought he was going to tear it out. Getting right up in my face. He was seething with anger. I’d never seen him so mad.
“You fucking whore,” he gritted out. “You smell like fucking men’s cologne. You stupid, stupid slut!”
He let go of my hair, but I didn’t get a moment to breathe before he punched me in the stomach. I doubled over in pain, but that didn’t stop him. He backhanded me across the face and I crumbled to the ground.
“After everything I have done for you!” He kicked me in the stomach and I finally screamed. Which only made him kick me again, and that time I heard my ribs crack under his boot.
I hated those fucking boots.
I gasped for air, trying to block my body with my arms. He clutched my hair by the nook of my neck and my hands instantly went to where his were, clawing at his fingers. He dragged me by my hair to the kitchen. My legs flailed behind me, trying to gain control to stand up. I didn’t know if I was crying or screaming. I didn’t even know if I was going to live through this.
“Look at the kitchen! Look at this fucking kitchen!”
He slammed my head against the fridge and I immediately saw stars. I vaguely remember him pulling out the drawers and throwing them all around the room.
“You can’t do anything fucking right! The spoons are where the forks are supposed to be, you put the oven mitts and dishtowels in the same goddamn drawer! Why the fuck do I buy you nice things if you can’t keep them organized!? Are you fucking stupid? Answer me, you fucking bitch.”
He kicked me in my side again.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered so low he couldn’t hear me.
He grabbed me by the collar of my blouse and slapped me across the cheek, my face whipping back so hard I thought he was going to break my neck.
“Look at me! Fucking look at me, you useless whore!”
“I can’t,” I whimpered, unable to move.
He let go of me and my lifeless body fell to the floor once again.
He crouched down close to my face. “I came home early for you. I do everything for you and this is how you repay me. Spreading your legs to whom, Aubrey? Dylan? That piece of shit who doesn’t love you. I’m the only man who will ever love you, your daddy doesn’t even fucking give a shit about you.”
“Why do you hurt me?” I breathed out between sobs, needing to know. “Why do you hurt me so much?” my voice was only a whisper. I could barely breathe, let alone talk.
“Because I fucking love you. That’s why.”
The next thing I knew he punched me in the face.
Everything. Went. Black.