“I never asked you to do that,” she murmured.
“You didn’t have to. When you took the gun out of my holster and shot Jeremy straight in the fuckin’ head you made the decision for me.”
“Dylan, I… God, I barely even remember that day. I already knew it was Jeremy before he ever walked into the bedroom that day. Jesus Christ, Dylan, he raped me the night before. That’s when I knew but he had been dropping hints the whole time. I had to relive that nightmare over and over again. Why the hell do you think you found me in the closet with a knife?”
I leaned back, stunned.
“I tried to tell you. I spent six years trying to tell you the truth. Everything happened so quickly. One minute, I was in the closet praying that day wouldn’t be my last. The next minute you were there, then you were fighting, and… fuck… hearing him talk about that day. The rape. As if it were nothing but a goddamn bedtime story, I just, God, I don’t even know. I can’t even begin to tell you what was going through my head when I pulled that trigger. I had a moment of weakness, and I wasn’t going to let him win that time. I couldn’t. It was like I was there all over again, on that trail, being torn to shreds. I couldn’t even catch my bearings before he told you about Giselle.”
I stepped away from her, pulling my hair back away from my face, holding it at the nook of my neck.
She continued, “I was hanging on by a very thin thread at that point, and all of a sudden I snapped. I didn’t stop for one second to think of the consequences. All I wanted to do was to shut him up. To stop him from talking. To stop him from continuously ruining my life. You took the gun out of my hand so fucking fast, that I didn’t even realize what I had just done. All I remember was you telling me not to say a word until Jacob was present. Fuck… Dylan, I watched you clean the gun. I saw you put your fingerprints all over it. I witnessed you staging it all, wiping his blood on your clothing and it still didn’t click that he was dead.”
She shook her head in disbelief. The agony was clearly written across her beautiful face. As if she was reliving the day all over again.
“I stood there and watched the blood draining from his body, terrified that if I looked away, he would get up and hurt me. He wouldn’t have thought twice, he would’ve ended my life. You took me into the kitchen and sat me on the counter and I swear everything just went in slow motion after that. The phone call to 911 where all you told me to say was “help” into the phone and hang up. The moment you told me to tell the cops you were at Alex’s restaurant and to not say one other word.”
I swallowed hard. The bile rising in my throat.
“They took me to the hospital. I remember them asking me questions, and all I wanted to do was go to you. Find you. But you were already gone. You just left me there, and I didn’t understand why.” Tears formed in her eyes.
“I woke up the next afternoon and Jacob was already there. He had been there all morning next to my hospital bed. He told me that you were placed under arrest for the murder of Jeremy. He told me you admitted to doing it. He told me he spent the entire night with you and you told him over and over again that you killed him. I swear for a few minutes I thought he was right. I thought he was saying the truth.”
“Aubrey—”
“But then I remembered, the whole scene played out in front of my eyes. I told Jacob you were lying to protect me and that I did it. I pulled the trigger. He told me he knew the truth. He finally admitted that you told him everything, but it didn’t matter because your mind was set and I needed to keep my mouth shut. That you made him promise that he would make sure I never told the truth. I did what you wanted. You wouldn’t even look at me throughout the entire trial, and it took everything inside me not to scream out to the judge that it was me! That I killed him!” she yelled, walking toward me and it was my turn to step back.
“You never let me see you. You never gave me a chance to explain. You fucking hate me for what I did to you! For lying! When all I did was listen to you and kept my mouth shut. Why did you take the fall for me? Please! Tell me why?” She openly sobbed.
“Aubrey, you were in shock when I got there. Fuck, you were in shock the entire time. Especially after you pulled the trigger. The whole fucking time you were repeating ‘Giselle, Giselle, Giselle, how am I going to get her? What did I do?’ I asked you where she was? Where our daughter was? And all you said was Aunt Celeste. It didn’t take a genius to put two and two together.”
“That doesn’t explain anything.”
“I told you I kept tabs on you. I knew you were getting help. I knew you had started seeing a therapist. When you called me, I was expecting it. I was waiting. Jesus, Aubrey… I went to prison because I figured that it was only a matter of time until you could get Giselle back, especially if she was with your aunt. She needed a mother. She needed you. So, I had no choice in the matter.”
Her eyes widened in realization.
“I did it for her. My daughter. No one else.”
“Your family knows the truth. I told them the truth. My family, the boys, Alex. They all know that you’re innocent.”
I nodded. “I know, but that doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t give me back everything I’ve lost because of you. You’ve ruined my life, and all I’ve ever done is try to save yours.”
“Don’t you think I know that? Don’t you think it kills me? I love you. Do you hear me? I fucking love you.”
I closed my eyes. I had to. I wouldn’t allow her to see my truths. She didn’t deserve them, not now.
“I went to Jeremy’s dad.”
I immediately opened them, glaring at her.
She didn’t falter. “I was at my wits end. You wouldn’t see me. You wouldn’t read my letters. It had been almost six years, and I couldn’t deal with the fact that there was still four more to go. One afternoon Giselle and I were at your mom’s house visiting. I went into your room to have a few minutes to be close to you. To feel you. I laid in your bed and it smelled like you. I used to hate your scent. I despised it and in that moment I wanted to drown myself in it. I laid there for I don’t know how long, savoring you. When I got up I went into your closet to take home one of your shirts. To bring something back with me, but then I remembered that you kept all your t-shirts in your drawer, so I went in there to find one. I pulled them all out to choose the best one and there before my very own eyes in a zip lock bag, was the shirt you gave me the day I was raped. I lifted the shirt up and my blood covered cotton shorts from that day, fell at my feet.” She shook her head trying to pull herself out of the bad memory.
“I kept them in case you decided to try to find him someday. I hoped that you would change your mind and that maybe keeping the clothes would help with finding the motherfucker who took you away from me.”
She nodded in understanding. “I took them straight to Jacob asking him if there was something that could be done with them, some sort of proof for the DA to show that Jeremy was a violent bastard. Any evidence that would take away some of your sentence. He told me no. Flat out told me there wasn’t a chance in Hell that it would hold up in court.”
I lowered my eyebrows still not following.
“I racked my brain for days. I had to do something. I woke up one morning, grabbed the clothes, packed a suitcase, and took the next flight out to California. I showed up at Jeremy’s parents’ house and threw the clothes on his dad’s desk,” she chuckled.
“He didn’t bat an eye, Dylan. I remembered you told me that he was accused of rape in college and his dad bought the people off. I told him that if he didn’t have you released from prison, I was going to press charges. I would go to anyone that would listen and air all his dirty laundry on national TV and any magazines that would give me a chance. That I wouldn’t stop until everyone knew the truth. He was up for re-election. The scandal would destroy his entire career, and he knew it.” She took a deep breath, walking back and forth telling me her story.
“I told Jacob what I had done, and you were released from prison eight weeks later. Your record had to be sealed. That was another condition for me to keep my mouth shut. You kept the clothes to save me, McGraw, but they ended up saving you.”
“I have been trying to tell you that since you were released from prison, but you’ve barely said two words to me that weren’t in reference to Giselle. I figured that eventually you would apply for a job somewhere or you would need your record pulled up for something. When the time came, you’d seek answers from Jacob and he would lead you to me.”
“Jesus Christ,” he rasped overwhelmed with everything I revealed to him. “So, what, Aubrey? What do you want now? A thank you? Is that what you’re looking for? Or do you want me on my knees again?” he viscously spewed. “This doesn’t change anything. You made the decision to hide my daughter from me. My kid! I got no say in the matter. Not once did you ask me what I wanted. I have missed sixteen years of her life, and for what? After everything I did for you, after ten years of trying to save you from your own demise, that’s how you repay me? You knew! You fucking knew that I would have raised her. That I would have been there for her with or without you. No questions asked. You had every chance to tell me the truth! Every fucking opportunity under the sun to let me know I had a child! Nothing! Not one word!” he roared, pacing the room and pulling at his hair like he wanted to tear it out.
“I used to wish it was dead,” I blurted out the truth. It had been haunting me since the day I found out I was pregnant.
He stopped dead in his tracks and looked at me with an expression I had never seen before. One of pure hatred so thick I could almost choke on it.
“The day I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to kill it. I wanted to have an abortion. I wanted nothing to do with the mistake growing inside me, it was a constant reminder of my rape. I bawled my eyes out for two days straight trying to convince my mom and aunt to let me go through with it. They wouldn’t. They told me that I didn’t know if it was his.”
“You’re not helping your case, darlin’. Now, you’re telling me they knew the entire time, too? How was I not informed by at least your mom? I could have-.”
“Jesus, Dylan! What did you think was going on when you found me in my room? What did you think I was doing, smashing my fists into the mirror? What do you think I was going to do if you hadn’t barged in when you had?”
He winced. It was quick, but I saw it.
“Exactly. I couldn’t be near you. That day in the abandoned house you weren’t the only one left on your goddamn knees, McGraw! I was, too. I’ve been there the last sixteen years!”
His chest heaved.
“I went to live with my aunt for the entire pregnancy. I was going to give the baby up for adoption. I swear to you on Giselle’s life that I thought it was his. Not for one second did I think it could be yours. Not one!” I shook my head, hating the next thing I was going to admit out loud for the first time.
“I thought it was a monster growing inside me, and I can’t fucking tell you…” I whimpered, my voice breaking. “How many times I contemplated doing it myself. Falling down the stairs, taking a coat hanger…” I shut my eyes, the shame eating me alive. “I wanted it dead. I wanted it dead so fucking bad, I couldn’t breathe. I used to pray that I would miscarry or that it would just disappear. How fucked up is that? The entire time I was pregnant I thought about him. His hands on me, his body over mine, his voice in my ear. Every single day I went through the rape all over again. I was positive it was his child, and there was no telling me I was wrong. I wouldn’t listen. I hated the thing living inside me! There were days where I would go without eating, where I wouldn’t take my prenatal vitamins, where I would miss doctor appointments, in hopes that it would die,” I cried, uncontrollable tears fell from my face.
“Finally my aunt took charge and forced me to do everything I had to while I was pregnant. Pretty much dragging me in the car for the visits, making sure I was eating every day, and taking my vitamins. She barely let me out of her sight to use the bathroom, in fear of what I would do. I went to bed one night and woke up to a pool of blood in between my legs. I actually contemplated letting it die even if it meant killing me with it.”
His eyes widened.
“But I couldn’t do it. I woke her up and she rushed me to the emergency room. I was four weeks away from my due date, and they had to do an emergency C-section because I was hemorrhaging. I guess my efforts paid off. It all happened so fast. They took it out and all I remember was hearing it cry before I drifted in and out of sleep. I didn’t even know the sex. I didn’t even care to find out. They shouted ‘her heart’s going into distress’ as chaos filled the room and they whisked it away. I didn’t care. I was left with my aunt and my racing thoughts. My mom hadn’t made it in from North Carolina yet, so my aunt stepped in. I laid there, still hoping it wouldn’t survive.”
“Jesus, Bree,” he breathed out.
“The next morning I woke up to my mom sitting by my bed, crying. My aunt was doing the same. I thought they were going to tell me she had died. That there was nothing they could do, and she didn’t survive.” I took a deep breath. “The nurse brought in a wheelchair and I knew what they were trying to do. I said I wasn’t going. I told them I didn’t care to see her. I didn’t want her. They made me do this. I told them that I hated them.” I sucked in air that wasn’t available for the taking.
“They forced me to go, pushing the wheelchair for me, bringing me to a room where there were incubators everywhere.” I wiped my face. “They didn’t even have to tell me where she was. I knew the moment we went into the room. She looked exactly like you, McGraw,” I paused to let my words linger.
“That’s when I realized I almost killed our baby.”
Tears fell from my eyes.
“I thought I hated myself before, but it was nothing in comparison to what I went through in that second. They wheeled me toward her and she looked so tiny,” she sobbed, making me relive it with her. I felt like I was there.
“She had tubes coming out of her everywhere, it was heartbreaking. They let me stick my hand through one of the holes. I got to touch her soft skin. I got to feel her for the first time. I loved her immediately, but I didn’t deserve her. She was there because of me. My mom said she would help me raise her, that we could tell you and that she knew you would be there for me. For us. That you would help in anyway that you could, and deep down I knew she was right, but I was fucked up, Dylan. I couldn’t raise her after everything I did, after everything I felt, everything I prayed for. My aunt said she would take her, that all I would have to do is sign over my parental rights. She promised me that if I ever changed my mind and wanted her back, she would be mine as long as I got help and dealt with all the emotional trauma.”
I nodded in understanding, silently encouraging her to continue.
“I didn’t think twice about it. I handed her over to someone that I knew would do right by her. My aunt never lied to her, Giselle always knew what happened and I always kept tabs on her. I just wasn’t in her life. Why do you think I ended up with Jeremy?”
The realization hitting me like a ton of fucking bricks.
“You were punishing yourself for giving up our child,” I answered, shaking my head in disbelief.
“Don’t you think I deserved it? After what I wanted, after what I prayed for?”
“I don’t know what I think anymore,” I honestly replied, my heart torn in two.
She nervously chuckled, “Well, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you for the last six years, and if you would have allowed me a visit or read any of my letters, you would have known.”
I peered up at the ceiling, emotionally spent and then looked back at her.
“Come on,” I said, leading her down the hall.
She followed me into the kitchen and I handed her a beer, chugging down mine in four swigs. Opening another right away. She excused herself to go to the bathroom and I sat on the barstool, hunched over with my arms propping up my head. A splitting headache was forming and I welcomed the distraction from the pain I felt in my heart.
“I guess it’s a good thing you’re moving on, McGraw,” she announced, walking back in the kitchen. “Maybe this is the push I need to also move on from you. To move on from us. There’s no more secrets or lies. No more demons lurking in the shadows. We’re both free now.”
I glanced up at her. “Moving on?” I replied confused.
“Giselle.” She rubbed her forehead, leaning against the cabinet in front of me. “It’s why she’s been acting so funny toward you. It’s actually why I came here to talk to you. She found the ring.”
I jerked back, stunned.
“When were you going to tell her? I mean not that it matters, but we would like to meet her. I know Giselle’s really hurt that she had to find out that way. I tried to explain to her that you were probably looking for—”
“It’s yours,” I simply stated, catching her completely off guard.
“What?” She looked at me with confusion and hurt in her eyes.
“It’s yours, Aubrey, the ring, it’s yours.”
She lowered her eyebrows. “I don’t understand. When…”
“Well, fuck. Might as well get everything out in the open, huh? Why the fuck not.” I shrugged.
“Dylan, what are you—”
“I was going to ask you to marry me.”
“Oh my God, no, please don’t tell me—”
“Yeah, darlin’, when we went away to the cabin. I was going to propose, I had it all planned out. The only reason I didn’t was because I couldn’t get a hold of your dad. I had been trying for weeks, leaving messages, texting him that I needed to talk to him. It’s why I was constantly checking my phone the entire week. I was hoping he would call me back.”
Her face paled and she looked like she was going to be sick. She already knew what I was going to say next.
“He called as we were heading to run on the trail. It’s the reason I told you to go by yourself. I didn’t want you to overhear our conversation. I needed some privacy so I could ask for your hand in marriage.”
Fresh tears slid down her beautiful face. It took everything in me not to pull her into my arms and tell her I still loved her.
“Do you honestly think I would have let you go alone, Bree? You know me. I’ve had to live with that regret for almost half of my life. I didn’t think the call would take that long. Ten minutes tops, so I let you go. Your dad was so excited, and he wouldn’t stop talking. Catching me up on his life, giving me marital advice, ironic, considering how he failed his marriage but fuck… I was trying to be polite. The last thing I wanted was to be rude to my future father in law. I thought about you the entire time. As soon as we got off the phone and I realized almost an hour had gone by and you still weren’t back. I fucking knew. I knew something bad had happened to you. I could feel it. The worse part was I allowed it,” I paused to let my words linger and then spoke with conviction,
“All I wanted was a future with you, and one bad decision ended up costing me that.”