Summer was almost over.
I was leaving to head back to Ohio in a few days. Who knows, maybe the distance would be good to clear my head. I hadn’t seen or spoken to Aubrey since the breakdown in her room a few weeks ago. I was just grateful that I remembered her mom kept a hidden key under one of the lawn ornaments by the flowerbed. I wouldn’t let my mind ponder what Aubrey would have done to herself had I not heard her when I was by her front door. That dreadful day was the last communication between us. She wouldn’t return any of my calls, answer any of my texts, and she refused to see me. I was either turned away by her mom or blatantly ignored when I knocked on her door. It’s like she fell off the face of the earth.
Words couldn’t express how surprised I was when she texted me that morning, wanting me to meet her at the beach. I jumped in my Jeep and headed there with hope in my heart.
She was sitting by the water, crying.
The exact same spot she was in when I first talked to her at Ian’s party. She was thinner, pale, and lifeless, but God she was still so fucking beautiful, so breathtakingly beautiful. Her hair was down and flowing through the light breeze, it was the only part of her that moved with ease. She wore my favorite light yellow dress. I could visibly tell she was uncomfortable in her own skin. I walked slower the closer I got as I approached her. The last thing I wanted was to scare her away.
She flinched a little when I sat beside her, our shoulders barely touching, but to my surprise she didn’t move away. The warmth that usually radiated off of her was missing. She was cold. Detached, lost in her own mind. I saw her painfully close her eyes and swallow hard for a few seconds before she opened them again to look out toward the ocean.
It was a beautiful summer day outside.
There wasn’t a cloud in sight. The sky was calm with soft colors of blue for miles and miles, with no end in sight. The gentle lull of the ocean and the smell of water all around us seeped into our senses. I couldn’t have asked for a more picturesque day.
My girl was sitting beside me except it wasn’t my Aubrey, this person was an imposter.
She suddenly leaned into my shoulder, catching me off guard. At first I thought my mind was playing tricks on me. When she scooted towards me a little more I held back the desire to pull her into me, to place my arm around her and lay her in the nook of my arm like she loved. I didn’t have to dwell on it too long because she did it herself. She moved my arm, setting it around her frail body. The body I didn’t recognize anymore. The body that was no longer mine. Resting her head on my shoulder, she leaned her frame alongside mine.
I felt her take three, deep, steady breaths before she somewhat relaxed against me.
I fucking smiled.
I smiled so big for the first time in months, finally being able to breathe. I hugged her closer to me, kissing the top of her head. She let me, only tensing for a few seconds before calming once again.
We stayed like that for the rest of the afternoon in complete silence, watching the world revolve around us as if we were the only two people in it. The bright colors of the sky started giving way to nightfall, blending brilliantly in deep oranges to fire reds. Sunsets in Oak Island were always a sight to behold. Before panic could set in that she was going to end our time together and push me away once again, she stood, hovering above me. Looking down with an expression I couldn’t place.
She reached her hand down in front of my face.
“Come on,” she simply stated.
I grabbed her delicate hand and stood, she led us up the beach for a few minutes. I watched the way she moved, the way her body swayed with each movement of her feet, the way her hair smelled in the breeze, the touch of her soft skin against my rough hand. Not paying any attention to where she was taking us. We reached a house on the water that appeared to be abandoned. She steered us up the patio steps by the empty pool, opening the glass door into a house that was nearly remodeled, but it looked like it was left to sit and rot away like most homes in Oak Island.
When I closed the sliding doors and turned around I saw blankets, pillows, water, and food lying around the empty open space. Someone had been using it as their own. At first I thought it might have been squatters, but the stuff was way too nice for people living on the streets.
She peered around the room taking in our surroundings, still not letting go of my hand. Her eyes found mine again.
“Where did you find this place?” I questioned.
“Alex.”
“What do—”
She placed her finger on my lips. “Shhh…”
I cocked my head to the side, confused.
“Shhh…” she repeated, stepping towards me without cowering for the first time in months.
She looked deep into my eyes intently, searching for something in my stare. Looking for some recognition of whom I was or maybe remnants of who she was when she was with me. I had never seen her look at me like that before.
Longing.
Using the finger that was already on my lips, she started gently swiping it back and forth against my mouth. Pulling my lips apart to rub along the inside where she could feel my breath. I didn’t stop her, I let her do what she wanted, what she needed in hopes that it would bring back my girl.
She slowly moved her finger along the edge of my face, tracing my jawbone from one side to the other. Moving to my cheeks, then the bridge of my nose and up to my forehead. Just touching ever so softly along my skin, remembering my face. She made her way back to my lips, repeating the tracing motion once again.
Our eyes stayed connected the entire time. She licked her lips as she brushed her finger down my chin to my neck, stopping to caress my throat with her thumb. She made her way down to my chest, breaking eye contact, focusing on my heart, tracing her fingers along it, hardly touching me. Sending shivers that shook my core.
When she firmly placed the palm of her right hand against my heart, I saw a subtle smile appear on her face. It was quick, but it was there. She gradually joined our left hands and brought them up to her heart. Pressing her fingers on the backside of my hand to hold it in place. It was beating a mile a minute, nothing compared to my steady beat. She gazed up into my eyes with a glazed look in hers. They changed from what I saw only a few seconds before.
I waited for her next move, feeling her rapid heartbeat pounding against my hand.
She looked down at my lips and continued to where her hand was placed on my chest. Taking a deep breath, she stepped closer to me, leaving no space between us. She took away the hand that was over mine resting on her heart and moved it to the side of my face, tugging on the ends of my hair as I had done countless times to her. She slipped my hair behind my ear and we locked gazes.
Her hand settled on the side of my neck where my reassuring pulse was, and she faintly smiled yet again.
Standing on the tips of her toes with our eyes still locked, she leaned in to tenderly place her lips on mine. I had no time to register what just happened before she parted her lips, beckoning me to do the same.
I did.
I cherished every second that our mouths moved against one another as if they were made for each other, our mouths starving for affection. I hadn’t kissed her in months.
I didn’t understand the change of events, but I was grateful for them nonetheless.
When she suddenly stopped I resisted the urge to whimper as I opened my eyes. I found her still staring at me like she hadn’t closed her eyes the entire time we were kissing. I watched her crouch down in front of me, taking my hand with her. I followed her to the blanketed floor where she laid down, guiding me to lie on top of her.
Her expression told me not to ask questions.
I slowly lay on top of her, being cautious of my movements. It was then that I noticed her hand was still on my chest, above my heart. She had never taken it off. I rested my arms by the sides of her face as I started to lower my frame on hers. Her heartbeat drastically accelerated, and I swear it echoed in the room.
I pushed off her to sit on the heels of my shoes.
“Suga’, this isn’t a good idea,” I said, speaking the truth.
She took in my words for a few seconds and then sat up with me, her face void of any and all emotion. She reached for the hem of her dress, never taking her eyes off mine. I lowered my eyebrows, shaking my head no, but she still started to pull it up. I gripped her wrist immediately stopping her.
“Aubrey,” I coaxed. “We don’t have to do this. This isn’t what I want.” I lowered my hold.
She narrowed her eyes at me and then whispered, “I love you. Just me and you right?” Her voice laced with so much sadness, so much pain.
I nodded with so many emotions coursing through my body I couldn’t find the words to speak.
“Promise?” she added.
“Always.”
Her eyes melted before she raised her dress over her head and was left wearing only her panties. Revealing her once curvy body that looked so frail now. No matter what she looked like, I still fucking loved her so damn much. I peered back up to her eyes because it physically hurt me to remember why she was so small to begin with, and I didn’t want to lose this moment that I prayed would lead to many more.
She looked down at my clothed frame, silently asking me to take off my clothes, and I obliged since it was what she wanted. In that moment I would give her anything her little heart desired.
When I was fully undressed she crawled over to me, resting between my legs and placed her hand over my heart once again, kissing me ever so softly. I didn’t know what to do with my hands, I didn’t know what was okay and what wasn’t, but she must have sensed my resolve because she pushed me back to lie down with her hand that was over my heart. I kept my eyes closed the entire time, terrified that if I opened them this wouldn’t actually be happening and I truly was dreaming.
We stayed like that for I don’t know how long, I could feel her thoughts raging a war in her mind, but then I felt her straddle my waist, breaking our kiss to rest her forehead on mine.
“Please open your eyes. Please look at me,” she murmured so low I could barely hear her.
I instantly did, and what I saw nearly broke my fucking heart. Her eyes were filled with unshed tears and that was my undoing, I couldn’t take it anymore. I gripped the sides of her face.
“Suga’, look at me. We do not have to do this,” I breathed out against her lips.
“I need you. I need you to make this better. I need you to make it all go away. I need you to erase him from my body,” she rasped, her voice breaking. “Feel me. Touch me.” A single tear escaped her eye.
“Where?” I coaxed.
She pressed her hand onto my heart like she did the night she gave me her virginity.
“Here.”
I kissed her lips, her cheeks, the tip of her nose, all over her face as I slowly moved my hand from the side of her face down to her neck.
“Tell me if you need me to stop,” I urged and she nodded, claiming my lips with hers, our eyes still wide open.
I caressed along her smooth skin, trailing my fingers over her naked body. Her hand immediately clenched against my heart when I reached her pubic bone. Her expression told me to keep going, so I did. Gently, I pressed the palm of my hand alongside her folds, staying above her panties. Her body locked up instantaneously.
“I love you, darlin’, I love you so fucking much,” I soothed in between kissing her. “My life didn’t begin until the day I met you, Aubrey. Do you remember that strong, take-no-bullshit girl?” I coaxed, looking deep into her eyes with an intense stare.
She nodded, resting her forehead on mine as I slowly moved my hand back and forth, caressing her the way I used to. How I knew she loved. Wanting to bring back the affectionate time between us.
“Do you know what I first noticed about you?”
She sucked in air, my tender touch getting to her.
“The way you love, darlin’, protecting the people you care about. I knew right away that I wanted you to love me like that.”
She hazily smiled, her tense hand against my heart relaxing as I glided my hand on her clit a little faster, a little harder, her wetness seeping through on my fingers.
My heart surged.
“I knew that smile, that laugh, those eyes were going to be the end of me. I wouldn’t ever be able to get enough.” I pecked her lips and her mouth parted, my persistent rubbing visibly satisfying her.
“You’re all I ever wanted but never knew I needed,” I breathed out as she breathed in. It was like we were breathing for one another.
“God, Aubrey, you have no idea how much I’ve missed you. How much I love you.”
My words were getting to her, too.
Her back subtly arched.
“I’m yours,” I whispered in her ear as I took it in my mouth.
She was coming undone.
“Ah,” she exhaled into my mouth, her body trembling, causing me to smile.
“There’s my girl,” I groaned, sliding her panties to the side. I positioned myself at her opening and she followed my lead, easing down my shaft.
“You can go as slow as you need, I’m not going anywhere,” I reminded, loving the feel of her wrapped around me, trying like hell not to get lost in the sensation of her.
I took a moment when I was fully inside of her, paying close attention to the expressions on her face and the responses of her body. I always did, but this time it was so different.
Blinding and consuming.
All or nothing.
I caressed the side of her cheek and she leaned into my touch as she gradually rotated her hips.
“Jesus, suga’, I love you so much. I will spend the rest of my life taking care of you, loving you. You have to know that. Whatever it takes. I’m here, and I’m not leaving. We’re in this together, just you and me.”
I closed my eyes and kissed all along her face again, savoring this precious moment between us.
“I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry, Dylan, I’m so sorry,” she wept, breaking down on my chest, stopping her movements.
“Shhh… Shhh…” I wrapped my arms around her, wanting her to seek the comfort she needed in my arms. “Aubrey, I’m the one that’s so fucking sorry. I promise you that I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. We can go to therapy. I don’t care as long as we’re together. Do you understand me? Do you hear me?”
I wiped away all her tears and kissed every last inch of her face as I placed my body completely on hers like I knew she loved, and caressed her cheeks that were flushed and warm. My torso touching her chest and my legs firmly locked beside hers.
“Is this okay?” I had to ask. “God, I just want to hold you. I just want to love you,” I whispered, gazing intently into her eyes. “I promise I will make everything better. We will go back to Ohio together, just you and me.”
I needed her to understand how much it meant to me that she was letting me back in, and that she was giving me another chance, us another chance.
“What’s wrong?” I questioned, trying to read her expression. Searching her face for an answer.
She shook her head and closed her eyes as she gripped onto my back tighter, like she was trying to mold us into one person.
She kissed me, and I took it as her silent request to move inside her. I loved to feel her wrapped around me, inch by inch, taking her slowly and cherishing her like she deserved. Wanting to wipe away every memory of that fucker’s hands on her, and remind her that this was me.
Us.
Every time I would thrust inside her, she could feel the mass of my body movement, inching her a little higher each time. I softly kissed her, taking my time with each stroke of my tongue as it entwined with hers. Savoring the velvety feel of my mouth claiming hers. I pushed in and out of her before I pulled away needing to look into her eyes.
I loved seeing every emotion I felt through her gaze, it mirrored every feeling that was displayed inside of my heart. To a degree I never quite understood, but I didn’t care because it was there.
It was for me.
Just for me.
I was always so in tune with her eyes, and in that moment they were indescribable, but I didn’t care because I was inside her. We were together and that’s all that mattered. The rest would come with time. My thumb brushed against her cheek and I kissed her slowly once again, thrusting a little faster.
“I love you. I love you so fucking much. Thank you, suga’, thank you for coming back to me.”
She would never fully understand what this meant to me, but I would spend the rest of my life showing her what it did.
My forehead hovered above hers as we caught our breaths, trying to find a unison pattern.
When her delicate fingers caressed the sides of my face, I was at a loss for words. I grabbed her by the nook of her neck and brought her lips to meet mine, pushing my tongue into her waiting mouth. Something took over me, this primal urge that had never happened with her before and our kiss turned passionate, completely moving on its own accord. There was something agonizing about the way we were making love.
Desperate and desolate.
Urgent and demanding.
All consuming.
Both of us giving what the other needed.
We couldn’t get enough of one another, both of us wanting more.
Wanting everything.
Our bodies moved like we were made for each other. There weren’t any of our demons in the room.
It was just us.
For the first time in months.
Our mouths parted and we were both panting profusely, unable to control the thoughts that were wreaking havoc on our souls. Desperately trying to cling onto every sensation of our skin on skin contact.
I shook with my release and passionately claimed her mouth once again. She returned every ounce of everything I was giving her. There was no holding back, and I couldn’t thank God hard enough.
“My girl,” I groaned in between kissing. “I love you so much, baby.”
She roughly pulled her face away from my hold, turning her head to the side.
“Get off me,” she snapped with a cold and detached voice, making me jerk back like the wind was just knocked out of me. Like I took a low blow right to the stomach.
“What?”
“Get. The. Fuck. Off. Me,” she gritted out through clenched teeth her body instantly rigid.
When I didn’t move fast enough she shoved me with her hands, scooting out from under me. Leaving me frozen on the ground, staring at the place we just made love.
She threw my clothes at me.
“Get dressed. I can’t stand looking at you fucking naked.”
What the fuck just happened?
I sat up with a stunned look on my face as I watched her throw her dress on. She looked at me like I was a goddamn idiot when I still hadn’t moved, so I stood and put my jeans on, not bothering with my shirt.
I stepped toward her. “Baby, what’s—”
She cringed, stepping away from me. “Fuck!” she sneered, shaking her hands out in front of her. “Don’t call me that! Don’t ever fucking call me that again!”
I opened my mouth to say something, anything.
“No! Don’t fucking talk. It’s over! It’s so fucking over, Dylan. It makes me sick to even be around you. We’re done! Do you understand me? Done!” she screamed hysterically.
“You’ve gotta be shittin’ me? This is a joke, right?” I reached for her and she knocked my hand out of the way.
“No.” She violently shook her head. “You want to know what’s a joke? That you actually believe that we just made love and that I was miraculously cured. When in fact, the entire time I was praying that I wouldn’t throw up because the mere smell of you makes me fucking sick,” she spewed, causing me to step back.
“I know what you’re doing. I know what you’re fucking doing, and I’m not going to let you push me away! Not after all this!” I argued, pointing my finger at her.
“Fine, then I’ll leave.”
She turned but she wasn’t quick enough. I gripped her wrist, holding her in place in front of me.
"You're not going anywhere. Not until I say you can and, darlin'… I won't."
“Fuck you!” She crudely tore her hand away from my grasp. “You don’t know anything! Not one damn thing! You need to go now! What more can I say to you! I don’t want you here! Go back to Ohio! Leave me alone!” she screamed the last part.
“I’m not going anywhere. I fucking love you, Aubrey.”
She winced like it hurt her to hear me say it.
“I. Love. You,” I emphasized each word, needing her to understand, needing to get through to her.
She scoffed. “What do you want, McGraw? This wasn’t love making, this wasn’t me coming back to you. This was me fucking you.”
“Stop,” I roared, becoming livid with her rant.
“Stop what? The truth? Dylan, this was goodbye, nothing more. I’m leaving for California! I’m not going with you! We have no future. So, get that through your goddamn head.”
“Bree,” I forewarned. “You don’t need to do this. I know, darlin’, it’s okay. Let me be here for you. I’m not going anywhere,” I pleaded with her.
“I’m sick of your shit! This is your fucking fault! You let me go by myself! You let me get raped! You let me fucking die that day!”
She turned away from me and headed for the door. I was over to her in one stride, grabbing her shoulder to turn her to face me, pulling the hair away from her face to look deep into her eyes.
I spoke with conviction, “Please, don’t do this! Please, don’t fucking do this,” I urged, hanging on by a thread. “You don’t have to do this, please!”
“Let go of me! Do you hear me?”
I did and she immediately started to walk around the room. When I heard the rattle of her keys I didn’t think twice about it, I just acted. She was about to take my whole life with her.
I threw myself on my knees in front of her and wrapped my arms tightly around her waist, holding her as close as possible. The side of my face lying against her stomach.
“Please, don’t do this. I am fucking begging you on my knees, please!”
I could sense her resolve breaking, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I bawled. I sobbed for the first time since I found her broken body on the trail.
“My hands are tied, Aubrey. Isn’t that what you wanted? Me on my knees. Me on my goddamn knees, waiting for you! Well here I am, pleading with you not to do this,” I cried like a newborn baby. “I’m so fucking sorry, darlin’! I didn’t save you then, but please let me do it now.”
She didn’t waver. “I don’t love you anymore. I can’t love you after what happened, it’s too hard. I just can’t. My love for you died the day that I did. Love isn’t supposed to hurt this much.”
I shook my head. "No one said that love was easy."
She didn't falter. "Yeah… But no one said it was going to be this hard either."
I hesitated for a few seconds, silently praying that she wouldn’t reply with what I thought.
“Promise?” I asked the one word that would take all of her away from me.
“Always,” she simply stated as if it meant nothing when it meant everything.
It was then I finally understood.
She tried to fuck me out of her heart.
And I would spend the rest of my life…
Trying to fuck her out of mine.
My heart was breaking, lying on the floor next to his.
This was the only way he would ever leave me alone. The only way he would ever let me go. I knew if I made him believe that we still had a chance, if I allowed him to have hope, allowed him to touch me, allowed him to make love to me, feel my heart, and reach my soul… then he would never forgive me for breaking him right after.
Except I didn’t pretend.
I made love to him, too.
Everything he was saying was true, every last word. I almost couldn’t go through with it, apologizing profusely and crumbling on his chest like it would suddenly excuse what I was about to do to him. Like it would suddenly make it all go away and all that would be left was our love.
The one that I wanted back so badly, so profusely, so intently. But when I felt his strong arms come around me, and the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach creeping back in from his scent, I realized it didn’t matter anymore, nothing ever would. I wasn’t that girl anymore. The one he fell in love with. She was gone. She died the day he found me broken in that godforsaken forest.
I needed to set him free.
He didn’t deserve this.
Me.
What was left of me.
I dug my fingernails as hard as I could into the palms of my hands to keep from giving in to every last promise he made. Every last word that fell from his lips.
I couldn’t do this to him anymore.
I needed to end it, knowing that all it would take was a few simple words.
I swallowed hard and with the coldest, detached voice I could muster, I said, “I don’t love you anymore. I can’t love you after what happened, it’s too hard. I just can’t. My love for you died the day that I did.” Tears fell down the sides of my face, one right after the other. Waiting for him to respond with what I already knew was coming.
The end.
“Promise?” he simply wept.
I closed my eyes and pictured that day.
His hands…
His lips…
His thrusts…
And whispered, “Always.” Hammering the final nail in the coffin.
I pushed him off of me like he disgusted me, and I knew he could feel it. I walked toward the door, looking back one last time to find him on his hands and knees, bowing his head in defeat as I bowed mine. I never meant to say all the hateful things that came out of my mouth. I didn’t think it was his fault. Not for one second. I was just trying to add fuel to the fire of our now tainted love.
I wanted one last time with him, I was planning on breaking his heart by walking out, I needed to set us free from each other, we had become toxic. But when he called me baby… Dylan was gone and the faceless man was in front of me. The two men became one and a volatile feeling took over.
I left him there, broken.
Knowing that he would never look at me the same.
Knowing that what we had was gone.
Knowing that he would now know that, too.
He would hate me, and the thought of that alone made my body shudder to the point of pain. I walked back to my mom’s car numb, cold, and alone.
I drove the entire way home in a fog of my own doing. I parked the car in the driveway, taking a deep breath before I turned my face to see what was in the passenger seat.
And then…
I fucking lost it.
I sobbed for hours upon hours, days upon days, months upon months.
Years to come.
Clutching on to the only love I’ve ever known who gave me the same jewelry box that made me feel not so alone because he knew that it would…
Undo me.