Chapter5
When Savannah woke, the sun’s early light was just beginning to shine through the dusty old windows of the church. It pleased her beyond measure that she found herself still wrapped tightly in Jake’s arms. Before she even opened he eyes, she leaned in to his muscular body and wondered how she would ever get through the rest of her life without him.
When she finally did open her eyes, she met his gaze. He was watching her as though she was some sort of complex mystery he was trying to unravel. It made her feel more beautiful and desirable than she ever had before.
In truth, Jake had not slept at all. Usually, he had to struggle to keep himself awake when he was casing a new town for a robbery. With Savannah in his arms, though, sleep had never even threatened to overtake him. It was as though every cell in his body wanted to take as much from Savannah as he could.
She was, he knew, the best thing he would ever have in his life. He needed to do what he could to keep as much of her alive in his heart and in his memory when he was forced to leave her.
“Why are you staring at me like that?” she asked groggily as she wiped the sleep from her eyes.
“You look so beautiful when you sleep,” he said, nuzzling against her neck and inhaling the sweet scent of her.
“I'm sure,” she said with a roll of her eyes. Usually, she would have pulled away in embarrassment, but she couldn't bring herself to move. The way he was looking at her was one of the most intimate things she had ever experienced and she couldn't be the one to pull herself from it.
“You do. You have no idea how alluring you're,” he growled as he kissed her passionately. She wrapped her arms around him to draw all that she could from his caress.
“Oh, I think you did a fine job of showing me that last night,” she purred when his lips finally separated from her.
“I wish I could spend the rest of my life showing you how desired you truly are,” he whispered, his eyes and his voice filled with sadness. He knew that when he left, she would return to her life.
She might even marry the old boyfriend she had told him her brother was so fond of. Her life would go on. For him, though, a part of his life would be frozen. No matter where he went, the rest of his life, he knew his heart would stay with her.
“But you can't,” she said, trying to be as understanding and supportive as she could be. She had promised not to ask him questions he couldn't answer and she wouldn't break that promise. All she could do was make it as easy for him to leave her as she could. After all, the best thing you can do for one that you love is to try and ease their pain.
“No, I can't,” he sighed, taking her hand in his and rubbing his thumb on the soft skin of the back of her hand. He couldn't meet her eyes in that moment. He knew that if he did he would never be able to bring himself to go. Instead, he stared at her delicate hand and wondered who else in her life would hold that hand and think themselves a lucky man.
“Do you have to leave today?” she asked, knowing that she should not have pushed him. Still, the thought of another day together was too appealing not to at least ask him the question.
“Yes, I do,” he said, finally looking up at her again. He could see the longing in her eyes and it echoed the feelings within his own soul. Jake couldn't remember ever knowing that another person was feeling exactly what he was. He had actually built his entire world view around the thought that nobody ever would feel as he did about anything. Everything about Savannah was making him see the world differently and he worried that his world would be a grey place without her.
“I will be sorry to see you go,” she said, doing her best to be strong for both of them. She forced herself to sit up and pull from his embrace. She felt the separation in her soul as much as she did physically and she could tell by his face that he felt it as sharply as she did.
“Not as sorry as I will be to leave,” he said, sitting up and doing his best to allow the separation she had created between them to remain. If it made it easier for her, then he needed to honor that, no matter how much it hurt him.
He watched her there and suddenly felt a sort of loneliness that he had never experienced before. Even though he had not left her yet, the separation between them had begun and it felt as though something as squeezing all the air from his lungs.
She buried her head in her hands to fight of the tears and all he could do was watch her as her heart broke right in front of him. No woman had ever loved him so deeply before and, in a matter of one day, he had already broken her heart. He knew that the best thing he could do was stay away from her.
When she finally lifted her head again, her lovely face was streaked with tears and her face was so pale, but her beauty wasn't marred by it. In fact, it made her look all the more beautiful now that her face was full of such raw emotion. Jake stared at her, not even blinking for fear that he would miss a second of her beauty.
“Will you just hold me?” she asked through her tears. She made no effort to move towards him again. It was as though she thought he might actually deny her request. In truth, he had been aching to hold her again from the moment that she pulled herself from his embrace.
“I would love to, but why?” he asked, mesmerized by her. He made no effort to take her in his arms. He couldn't until she gave him an answer. Jake couldn't allow himself to cause her more pain. He needed to be sure it was what she really wanted before they both lost their resolve.
“Because I want to memorize the feeling of your arms around me,” she whispered as tears came anew. With that, he could stay away no more. He reached out instinctively and pulled her to him, sitting her on his lap and tucking her head under his chin protectively. As he held her, he did all that he could to do as she was doing, memorizing the feeling of their bodies intertwined.
“I don't deserve your affection,” he finally said, not sure how else to tell her what was in his heart. He wished that he could tell her everything he had been holding back from her, but he couldn't stand the thought of ruining what she felt for him.
Confessing that he was a bank robber would likely end whatever she thought she felt for him. Perhaps it would have been kinder. It would be better to leave her full of anger than sadness. He knew it would make it easier for her to heal. He couldn't do it though. He needed her to love him, no matter that it cost them both.
“You deserve that and more,” she said, her tears slowing as she wrapped her arms tightly around his waist as he held her.
“I wish there was a way I could take you away with me,” he admitted, his arms like steel around her. There, in that moment, she was safe and she loved him. There wasn't a thing more in the world that he could want.
“Is there no way that you could stay? I know you cannot stay forever, but maybe for a day or two more,” she asked, though she already knew the answer that he would give her.
“No, my dear. For both our sakes I need to leave and soon,” he said, though he made no effort to separate himself from her.
“I trust you,” she said, pulling away from him just enough so that she could look up in to his eyes as she spoke.
“You don't even know me,” he answered, feeling like a cad for all the secrets he was keeping from her. He had never felt guilt like this before and he had no idea how to deal with it without confessing all to her.
“Yes I do,” she said, tilting her head up gently and kissing him so softly that it felt as though a butterfly was fluttering across his lips. Though it was the softest caress he had ever experienced, he felt as though that kiss was branded upon his soul.
“Thank you for believing in me,” he sighed as his eyes traveled every inch of her body, trying to commit it to memory.
“I will always believe in you,” she vowed.
“Could I write to you?” he asked impulsively. He had intended to make a clean break, but as soon as he asked the question, it felt as though something inside of him relaxed. The thought that he might not be completely cut off from her was strangely comforting, even if all he could do was write to her from time to time. At least that would keep him in her thoughts.
“I would like that,” she said with a bright smile that told him that it would mean just as much to her as it did to him.
Soon, they both knew that the time had come for them to separate. Reluctantly, they both rose and began to dress in silence. They kept coming back together though, embracing and kissing tenderly as they prepared to go back out in to the world without each other.
“Will you do me one favor,” Savannah asked as she gathered the last of her things and put them in to her bag.
“I will do anything for you but stay,” he vowed solemnly.
“Will you let me leave first,” she asked, surprising him. He had thought that they would walk back to town together.
“That eager to leave me?” he asked, trying to make light of it though he was hurt by the thought she was eager to leave him.
“No. It isn't that. I just don't want you to walk away from me. I want my last memory of you to be here, in this place that I love so much. Every time I come here, I want to be able to picture you here. It will let me feel like I'm still close to you once you're gone,” she said, smiling sadly at him.
“Alright,” he said, feeling as though he might break in to a thousand pieces when she walked away from him.
“I love you,” she said, a single tear escaping her beautiful eyes.
“I will love you all the days of my life,” he said, pulling her close one last time.
When he finally let her go, she looked up at him as though there was something else she wanted to say, but in the end, she stayed silent. She just watched him for a moment more before turning and walking away, leaving her love behind.
She fought against her instincts, which were screaming for her turn back and go to him. Instead, she forced herself to leave the church and make her way down the path. She felt like she was bleeding internally, tearing herself away from him. She could never remember making her way from the old church back to town so quickly.
Savannah had to keep herself moving though. If she stopped at all, she knew she wouldn't be able to start again. She would stay there, frozen until he reached the same spot and it would only make it harder for both of them.
Finally, she reached her parents’ house. She was thankful as she approached to see that no lights were on. Both of her parents must still be in bed. If she was lucky, she could sneak in the kitchen door and be in the safety of her room before anyone realized that she had not spent the night there. Quietly, she eased the door open. She was suddenly very grateful that her father had just replaced the door last week. The new hinges didn't squeak at all.
Savannah breathed a sigh of relief when she was safely in the house, not realizing that she wasn't alone. It wasn't until she was across the room, reaching for the stairs that she heard someone clear their throat. She yelped, but instinctively she covered her mouth to muffle the sounds. She spun around in shock and came face to face with her brother, Samuel.
“Sam, you scared me half to death,” she hissed as she began to relax again, glad that it wasn't their parents who had found her.
“Where have you been little girl,” he demanded, sounding more authoritative than her father ever did. Though he was a preacher, he tended to accept that she could make her own decisions. Her brother, on the other hand, didn't. He had spent her entire life telling her how she should live it. The look in his eyes told her that she was in for a very similar conversation and she regretted that she wasn't facing it a bit better rested.
“I'm not a little girl and you're not my father,” she snapped. Her brother was only a few years her senior but he had always spoke to her as though he was an adult and she was a child. She didn't allow him the upper hand on a normal day and she had no intention of allowing him to spoil her mood. She was struggling to hold on to the warmth of Jake. It was hard enough to keep from falling apart at the thought that he was gone from her life now. A confrontation with her brother might be all it took to break her down entirely.
“I'm your brother and you will answer me,” he said, his voice raising just high enough that she feared he might wake her parents. Savannah glared at him, but he looked at her smugly, knowing that she would have to answer him if she didn't want him to alert their parents to the fact that she had just come home.
“I don't owe you anything,” she said defiantly, though she didn't turn her back on him. Her brother had spent their entire lives tattling on her to their parents. She knew that this moment was no different.
“And what about Tony,” he demanded. They had been friends their entire lives. The only time that her brother had truly been happy with her was when she had been with Tony. Every other guy she had brought home had raised her brother’s defensive impulses. He trusted Tony, though. Tony was the only man he had trusted with his sister. It had brought Sam and Savannah so much closer. It had hurt his brother as much as it had Tony when she ended their relationship.
“What about him?” she asked, frustrated that they were about to have the same conversation again. While her relationship with Tony had brought her closer than ever to her brother, their breakup had torn them apart. It seemed like, now, that every conversation that they had was about Tony and why she was making the biggest mistake of her life by ending her relationship with him.
“It's all over town that you were walking with a white boy last night,” he snapped at her, his hand on his hip as though he was awaiting an explanation for her behavior.
“Is there a crime against walking?” she said defensively. She was in no mood to get a lecture from her brother. Savannah wasn't going to apologize for any of what had happened the night before. In her entire life, it was the first time she felt truly alive.
Though her brother couldn't know all that had happened, Savannah wasn't prepared to apologize for any of it. It would have been easier, in truth. She knew that she was likely never going to see Jake again. Still, she couldn't dishonor what they had shared by making excuses or apologizing for it.
“There is when you don't come home until after sunrise,” her brother said, continuing to push her for some sort of explanation. He wasn't a man who was easily dissuaded. It made him a great cop and an annoying brother.
“It isn't any of your business and it certainly isn't Tony's,” she said, standing her ground. She was, after all, just as stubborn as her brother.
“He is my best friend and he loves you. How can you hurt him like is?” her brother demanded, looking nearly as hurt as Tony had been when she told him that she couldn't continue their relationship. She had loved him, of course, but she wasn't in love with him. Tony was like family. He wasn't the great love of her life and she wasn't the great love of his. He just couldn't seem to see it as she had.
“I'm not doing anything to him. He and I are not together. I have told you both that,” she said firmly. It was hard for her to hurt them both. As much as she resented her brother’s high handed treatment of her, she still loved him. She hated to cause him and Tony pain. A worse thing to do, though, would have been to go through the motions as though she loved him. In the end, it would have caused more pain to everyone involved. Though Tony thought he was heartbroken now, it would have been one thousand times worse if she had become his wife before he realized that she could never love him.
“We all know this little mood swing of yours will not last. You will be his wife before this time next year,” her brother said dismissively. Though he had been angry with her since the breakup, he had never really considered that it would last. That was, in part, why he was so upset. He thought she was putting Tony through all of that pain for nothing.
“I'm never going to marry him,” she said firmly. She couldn't give her brother or Tony the impression that her mind might change. It might ease Tony’s pain and her brother’s anger, but in the end it would do more harm than good.
“And why not?” Sam snapped, his frustration unchecked. His voice rose and Savannah was sure he would wake her parents with his time.
“Because I don't love him,” she whispered, looking more weary than angry at her brother in that moment.
“You sound like a silly little school girl right now,” he pushed, unwilling to accept the certainty and resolve that he saw on her face.
“I would rather sound like a silly school girl than a jaded ass,” she said, knowing that she was provoking his anger with her words. She couldn't care about that anymore. He had done nothing but hurt her with his accusations and demands since the breakup. Perhaps, she thought, it was time he knew what that felt like.
“Don't talk to me like that,” he snapped, unable to believe that his sweet little sister was speaking to him like that.
“I will talk to you any way I want. You're five years older than me. You don't know more about life than I do,” she hissed back at him.
“I sure as hell do,” he said, looking quite shocked that his demure sister was willing to speak to him in such a way.
“You will not tell me how to live my life,” she said, summoning all of her strength to do it. The night before, she had had a taste of true happiness and she refused to let her brother scare her back in to the safe little box she had grown up in.