Sienna

There were so many things I could lie about. Some of them were less important than others. Take my height, for example. I could tell someone that I was five-five. They’d probably nod and smile, not really giving a crap if I was actually that height or not. Which I wasn’t. Take away five inches and that was a good day for my height. Or take my hair color. I could tell people that I was naturally bright blonde, but loved to dye my hair the color it was. Who would doubt me? And why?

Those were the little lies that people weaved in and out of in life. We all told those kinds of lies, stitching together a blanket of comfort to shield whatever flaws we didn’t necessarily see in the mirror, but felt in our hearts.

All of my lies, big and small, were the reason why I had been standing on the rooftop of that bar. There had been a bigger plan while I was up there, but something caught me. No, it wasn’t Kace either. It was fear or reality. Or both. All Kace did was grab my jean jacket, pull me back, completely mess up my vibe, and then try to do some stupid hot guy, flirting thing with me. Plus, he broke my boombox. Well, actually, it wasn’t my boombox.

I walked back to Maria’s apartment and went back inside like I had only been gone for a minute. I looked at the neon light of the microwave and saw that I’d been gone for almost an hour.

Shit.

Maria was on the couch, wrapped up in some dramatic TV show that was supposed to mimic real life, but it didn’t. This was our guilty pleasure. Watching this stuff on Friday when we had nothing else to do. We’d eat popcorn, drink wine, and pick out which guy on TV we wanted to marry. Sometimes we’d indulge in other things… you know, open the window a little bit and have a smoke to take the edge off the week. Sometimes Maria had a date and I’d be on my own. But the truth was that I hated the TV shows she watched. But she was a decent enough friend that I just went with it.

More lies.

It was a little troublesome to me how easy it was to lie. To put another lie on top of the previous one. Like building blocks as a kid, waiting for them to eventually fall. Only my stack wouldn’t fall. It just kept getting higher. To the point where I wanted to kick it over. And when I tried, it would simply just sway back and forth, mocking me with an evil laugh, leaving me dangling.

“You’re missing all the good stuff,” Maria called out from the couch. “Cheating scandal alert.”

“Big shock there,” I said as I climbed over the back of the couch and plopped down with a sigh of disgust. “Who did he sleep with?”

“Who do you think?” Maria asked.

She looked at me and I could see the buzz all over her face. She quickly smiled and started to giggle.

“You bitch,” I whispered. “I went outside for a minute and you partied without me.”

“You were gone for like two hours, Sienna. I thought maybe you went down to the bar and met someone.”

“Um. No.”

“Then where did you go?”

“The roof. I told you that.”

“Yeah, I know. You popped up and said you were going to listen to some music. Acting all weird and shit. You stormed out of here like someone was after you. Or you were after someone.”

And you didn’t think that was weird? You didn’t think to stop me? Question me? Push me into a corner so I could let it all out before I did something stupid?

“After someone?” I asked.

“You know, a hookup. You take the boombox and set the mood on the roof. It’s wild up there. Like you’re screwing on top of the world. And you never know if someone is going to catch you.”

“You’ve done… of course you have.”

“Hey, don’t say it like that,” Maria said. “I’m not a slut or anything. There’s a difference between… hey, wait a second. Where’s my boombox?”

“Oh, that,” I said. “It fell off the roof.”

“What?” she asked.

“Yeah. Sorry. I put it on the ledge and was listening to music. Then some guy showed up and scared me. He knocked it off the roof.”

“Was he hot?”

“Ugliest guy I’ve ever met,” I said.

Another lie. Kace was as sexy as anything. His really dark brown eyes and messy hair that somehow perfectly rested just above his eyebrows. His zip up hoodie and strong chest that filled it out, not to mention his huge arms that filled out the sleeves. The way he grabbed me, spun me around, saved me, protected me…

“That’s a bummer,” Maria said. “And my boombox? It fell?”

“To the ground.”

“And?”

“Um… it went boom.”

Maria laughed. And snorted. And laughed again.

My mind shifted course during the night because I saw the way that Maria went from the bottle of wine to the bottle of vodka with ease. A smooth transition that told me that this wasn’t just a regular night for both of us. Why we were so closed off from each other was sort of beyond me because we both grew up the same way. It was like our subconscious were best friends, while me and her really had nothing else in common in life. Maria went to college, had a degree in marketing, and had a pretty decent job. Me? Eh, life just did its thing over and over. I was more or less in training for a life of waitressing, which wasn’t a bad thing, but it certainly wasn’t the dream of being a doctor that my grandmother had held out for me all those years when I was a kid. I figured that in some way, all parents, grandparents, and guardians wished that their kid would grow up to be a doctor or lawyer or something with a sense of prestige.

Maria took another drink and her head tilted to the side. I inched across the couch and got close to her. I bumped her shoulder so she’d move her head onto my shoulder. That’s when I was able to casually get my hand around the bottle of booze and break her hold without her realizing it. I managed to lean forward and put the bottle on the table.

“Sienna,” Maria whispered.

“I’m right here.”

“Do you ever feel lost?”

“Sure.”

All the time. Why?

“I feel lost,” she said. “I’m sorry I ruined our night.”

“You didn’t ruin anything. Get some sleep.”

I knew that I could have tried to get Maria to her bed, but that would have been a chore. So I took the lazy route and just put her head down on the couch. She had a blanket and a pillow. And she was closer to the bathroom, just in case her decisions decided to come back and haunt her.

I crouched on the floor and forced Maria onto her side.

“Get some sleep,” I whispered. “I’m sorry about the boombox.”

“Hey, Sienna,” she said. Her eyes popped open. “I’m just happy you didn’t fall.”

I forced a smile and nodded.

When Maria started to snore, I stood up and walked across the room to the window. Maria had a very dramatic relationship with a guy named Matt. They were a high school thing that tried to keep the romantic dream alive of being high school sweethearts to together forever. But that shit only seemed to work in movies and books. Matt couldn’t keep his eyes off other women and Maria couldn’t keep her hands off other guys. So they’d go round and round, in love one month, broken up the next. My guess was that tonight was a breakup night.

I stood at the window and looked down. I could just barely see the alley. To the right was where the boombox was. Even as I pressed my face against the glass, I couldn’t see it. I bit my lip and looked up, wondering if Kace was still up there.

How stupid to even think that, right? I had been up on the roof with him a little bit ago. He had been willing to talk. Even if he was trying the dumb flirty guy thing. Then again, he had been spooked that I was going to fall.

Which was probably the right feeling.

Except Kace got one thing wrong.

I wasn’t going to fall up there.

I was going to jump.

* * *

“Do you have to have your hair like that?”

I held a tray full of hot food that was meant for table fourteen. And here was Daisy, blocking the kitchen door. I froze because I had no choice and I swallowed the giant lump in my throat because I had no choice again. Daisy was the owner’s bitch of a daughter. She’d been to some fancy college out in California. Her business degree was bought by Mommy and Daddy and she came back thinking she owned the place. Which, in some way, I guess she did. Only she had no idea how to run a restaurant. Any time she was there, it was hell. No, scratch that. Hell was better than this place when Daisy was there.

“Excuse me?” I asked, trying my best to put a smile on my face.

“Your hair looks like shit, Sienna. What are you trying to do to this place? Our sales are down ten percent compared to last year already, and you look like you belong at some all-night diner, working the two in the morning drunk shift.”

“Oh,” I said. Sometimes I felt my legs getting shorter.

“Oh? That’s all you’ve got to say for yourself?”

“Daisy, I’m holding food. Table fourteen has been waiting. I’d like them to get their food hot.”

Daisy moved forward and put her chest right to the tray. She was fierce and a rotten person. She didn’t exactly intimidate me, but I had to put up with her crap because I had this thing called responsibility. You know, paying the rent and all that adult stuff.

“You think I give a shit about one table?” she growled at me. “You cannot go out there and represent my restaurant with the way you look.”

“Jesus,” I said. “I have my hair pulled back.”

“I want everyone to wear their hair down.”

“It’s sort of unsanitary to do that, right?” I asked. “I mean, standing over food, what if a piece of hair falls…”

“Get better shampoo,” Daisy said. “Stop smoking. Eat better food. Take care of your hair.”

I shook my head. “What? I don’t smoke… and… what?”

“Are you getting smart with me?”

“No. I just want to take this food to the table.”

I inched a step forward and bumped the tray into Daisy. Seriously, I just wanted to do my freaking job. Serve food, smile, make small talk, and then get out of work at a decent enough time to go home and crash for a couple of days of sleep. It was the simplicity of my life that I showed off to mask everything hidden under it.

Daisy smiled and put her hands on her hips.

She was still blocking my way and I felt like dumping the tray of food onto her and quitting. That was everyone’s dream, right? Having a really good quitting story. At least one time.

Before I could commit to my quitting story, Daisy changed the script. She flipped the tray at me. A full tray of food. Four plates of hot food. Four smaller plates of side dishes. I saw the tray flip up and the food went flying. I quickly moved my hands to block my face, because this was hot food after all. I shut my eyes and braced for impact. Hot and mushy food landed on my arms and face and hair. Plates hit the floor, one shattering, the others bouncing with hard thuds. The tray hit the floor and fell to the side.

And I stood there, covered in food.

My mouth slightly open.

Daisy stepped back and put her hands to her mouth. “Sienna! Are you okay? I didn’t even see you there! Speak up next time!”

That’s when people started to come and check out the noise. If someone dropped a glass or a plate and it broke, we’d all yell ANOTHER DOWN! and laugh it off. But this noise… an entire tray of food falling… that was a bigger deal. I looked around and saw the expressions on their faces. They knew exactly what had happened. When you messed with Daisy, she always won. And I wasn’t even messing with her. I was simply trying to do my job.

“I opened the door and crashed right into her,” Daisy said. “Poor thing. She’s covered in food. She looks even more hideous now.”

Even more…?

“Here, let me get you a towel, doll,” said Mark, the head chef.

“No,” Daisy barked. “Mark, get back to work. All of you get back to work. Sienna is a big girl. She can fend for herself. She’s going to wipe up the floor here and then go home. Her shift is over.”

“What?” I asked. “I’m fine.”

“You’re covered in a spaghetti sauce,” she said.

I felt someone poke my shoulder. I turned my head and saw Phil, the dishwasher. He was a tall and skinny guy, young with black glasses on his face. He had wiped a fingertip full of sauce off me and he stuck his finger into his mouth.

“Oh, garlic basil,” he said. “That’s the good stuff.”

“And it’s fucking wasted,” Daisy yelled. “You want to poke Sienna, Phil? You do it after your shift. I’m not running a whorehouse either.”

My face turned redder than the sauce on my white shirt.

I stood there like I was in some horror movie. Everyone staring. I knew that half the bitches that worked there were already laughing. The others knew to keep their mouths shut because of the wrath of Daisy.

Daisy turned and put her hand to the door. She looked over her shoulder with her fat chins pressed together like she was an ice cream cone melting in the summer heat. She smirked and called out, “REFIRE!” and left the kitchen.

Yeah, no shit, we need a refire. You dumped an entire tray of fresh food.

“Hey, don’t sweat it,” Phil said.

“Sweat it? I’m smothered in it.”

“Why don’t you clean yourself up and I’ll get this mess.”

“What about Daisy?”

“Fuck her,” he said. “What’s she going to do to me? Spray me with water? I don’t need this job. She comes near me and I’ll throw the strainer at her. All that shit that gets clogged in there and smells like death.”

“Ew.”

“Exactly. So go and clean up.”

“Thanks, Phil,” I said.

I reached for him and realized just how badly my hand was shaking. I was in some sort of shock over what had happened. My bad day had turned into a bad week and was topped off with this crap of a night.

“Holy shit, you’re shaking,” Phil said.

“Yeah. I guess I…”

“You’re freaking out, Sienna.”

I licked my lips. My heart was really jittery.

“Come here for a second. Let’s get some fresh air.”

Phil was nice enough to walk me to the back of the restaurant and out back. I stood there still covered in food and I took a breath of fresh air.

“It’s not helping,” I whispered. “I want to…”

“Here,” he said. “Take this.”

Phil had something in his hand. The second I saw the little white pill, I swallowed hard. I knew better than to mess with anything like that.

“What is it?”

“It’ll help you calm down.”

“It’s not… like a crazy drug or something?”

“No. It’s for how you’re feeling right now. I don’t do anything crazy, Sienna. It’ll help you calm down.”

“Do I take it now?”

“Yes.”

“And I can drive?”

“Should be able to.”

I took the pill from Phil.

I studied it.

“I’m going to go and clean that up,” he said. “You let me know if you need anything.”

“Thank you.”

Phil went back into the restaurant. I slipped the pill into my pocket and licked my lips. I slowly unbuttoned my shirt and stripped it off, balled it up, and tossed it right into the dumpster. I was stuck wearing a white spaghetti strap shirt and black pants.

I snuck back into the restaurant to get my bag and my keys. Phil was working hard cleaning up the floor. The mess Daisy caused. I couldn’t believe that she actually stooped that low to throw an entire tray of food at me.

I crept back to the backroom area with the cubbies for the staff to put their belongings in. I reached into my pocket and took out the little white pill. I found Phil’s stuff, which was a black hoodie and a black bag. I bit my lip as I went through it, looking for the pill bottle. I found it in the front pouch and studied what it was. Medicine for panic and anxiety. The label was scraped a little, so I didn’t know the dosage. Not that it mattered. I was going to put the pill back and go home.

When I twisted off the cap and looked into it, it was like a flood of memories hit me.

A hundred voices, all echoing at once. From my grandmother to my mother. Yeah, my dead mother. Speaking of which, I turned my head and saw the calendar on the wall. Tonight was the night. It was the anniversary of the accident. My mouth went bone dry. I promised myself that I wouldn’t grow up and turn this thing into an event. My grandmother did that for my entire life. She would make such a big deal over it. Crying that she’d lost her daughter. Crying that I’d survived. This strange mix of sadness and happiness, leaving me feeling confused by it all. Never able to process what had happened that night.

“No,” I whispered.

The night wasn’t going to win.

I was going to beat the night.

I dropped the white pill back into the bottle.

Then I thought of an idea.

I knew how to beat the night for real.

I turned the bottle and dumped a handful of the pills into my hand. I shut the bottle and put it away. I stuffed my pocket full of the pills and got the hell out of the restaurant. I knew that I’d never go back there. That job was done. Fuck Daisy. Fuck her family. Fuck that place.

I did feel guilty for taking advantage of Phil.

But soon I would feel nothing.

And that’s maybe all I ever wanted.

To feel and be nothing.