Two months passed in agony, in loneliness, and fear.
The months were brutal. My body ached, my soul cried out in pain as the warlocks chanted around me, filling me with herbs and ointments blessed by their words and hands.
Each day, they woke me, summoned me to their temple, pretending to be a Catholic cathedral in Queens and chanted. Each night, I tossed and turned, hot flashes and fevers consuming me, begging for Alexandra, begging to see her one last time.
My darkness fought me. I saw Valentina come to me and whisper to give in, to never let her go.
I fought.
I fought for Alexandra.
But mostly, I fought for myself.
So long I had been cursed with my past, cursed to punish myself for everything.
“Your soul is weighed down by your darkness, by your past, and you need to let go,” an older warlock told me five days in as I laid on the dirt floor, my limbs aching as I twisted to relieve the pain throbbing deep in my chest. “Not to forget your past, but to not let it rule you.”
Those words stuck with me as I clawed at the floor, screaming in pain.
“Let them in.”
His voice rang in my ears and when I looked up, I was in complete darkness.
Pain erupted deep inside my chest and I growled lowly, aching to rip out to escape the pain.
“Beau,” a voice called to me.
Dark and rough, the voice stabbing over every inch of my body as I raised my head.
Red hot pain throbbed in my cheek as a hand slapped me.
My knees ached, but I tried to stay standing.
In front of me stood my father, dressed in a black custom suit, his dark eyes staring down at me in judgment and disgrace. A look I had seen every single day.
“You disgust me,” he spat, his lips pulling up into a sneer. “A disgrace to our family. A horror to your mother. You are too weak to be a Knight. Too weak to be my son.”
A stabbing sensation punctured my chest and I bent, trying to catch my breath. My knees gave out and I collapsed onto the floor.
Footsteps echoed in the dark temple and I saw tiny, bare feet stop in front of me. I knew who it was, and I gritted my teeth, choking on a cry of anger and pain.
When I glanced up, I saw Valentina in a white nightgown, an ugly red stain on her round stomach.
Bloodshot eyes glared down at me and when she opened her mouth, only a sob echoed out.
She was in pain, she was terrified and angry.
The tears never fell, but they filled her deep brown eyes, staring down at me.
I choked, gagging as all her sadness and terror filled me.
“You poor fool,” that sinister voice cut me deep.
Fallen, the king of demons, stepped into the light, his long dark hair pulled back in a ponytail and his long fingers folded in front of him. He wore a sly smirk and he flashed his teeth.
“Demons don’t love, they destroy,” he hissed.
Blood filled my mouth and warmth stained my shirt, old wounds resurfacing, expanding and destroying me. I knelt in front of my sins, my past, my darkness.
I would only ever be a destroyer.
I destroyed everyone I cared about. I destroyed myself.
My wounds wouldn’t stop bleeding. My throat grew hot and tight and I gripped my throat, only to collapse on my knees.
Then they all spoke at once, their voices like chains whipping across my bare skin. Ropes of blood ran down my chest and back.
Too much noise, too much pain erupted inside of me and I screamed in agony.
I was weak, I was a monster, I was a disgrace.
In anger, I reached out, striking Fallen’s laughing face, but my fingers went right through him.
I tried again, only to catch nothing.
My fingers shook as I gawked at them.
Nothing but smoke.
I couldn’t fight them. I couldn’t use my only strength. I couldn’t use my fists to destroy them like I had for years.
A cold flash ran through my body.
I couldn’t fight my fears, my demons, with my hands.
It was all inside, all in my head, all in my heart.
Footsteps echoed and I glanced up to see a younger version of Valentina, unharmed, a glimmering smile on her face, sweet and shy.
She stopped in front of me, her fingertips kissing the edge of my shaking jaw. “I don’t blame you over the chaos of your demons still lashing out at you.” I closed my eyes as her fingers mapped my features. “I don’t blame you for anything, Beau. All you ever did to me was love me.”
My chest grew tight at her words and as her fingers vanished, I looked up to see my mother standing in front of me.
“My darling boy,” she whispered, a tender smile on her lips. “I love you and I’m so proud of you for what you are doing.”
I stared at her, my throat shaking with words I wanted to say. Words I had hidden deep inside since I lost my heart.
A hand touched my shoulder and I glanced back to see my younger brother, Tensley standing behind me.
“You’re not less of a man for the sins you have committed,” Tensley said and squeezed his shoulder. His words sank down deep into my core and I straightened my back, growing bigger.
“Beau,” a voice called to me, soft and bright, and I turned slowly, seeing Lex sit down in front of me, her baby blue eyes taking me in.
Her fingers caught mine and she squeezed them. “I believe in you. You’re more than your sins, Beau. Don’t let them win.” Her hand cupped my cheek and I leaned into her warm touch. “Accept them, don’t let them consume you.” I blinked up at her, blinded by her warmth and brightness. “I love you.”
Those words thundered in my chest, powerful and light.
All their hands reached out, touching my arms, my hands, my face, and light blinded me.
The lightness of their power and love and strength.
With shaky knees, I stood, my breathing growing fast and deep.
I glared at Fallen, my father, and Valentina, her eyes growing wet and red.
I had to face my demons. I couldn’t keep them buried deep inside of me any longer if I wanted to live my life.
The warmth of the others surrounded me, and I stepped forward.
I needed to embrace my demons, my past. Embrace the words they spoke.
“Disgrace.”
“Demons destroy.”
“Beau,” Valentina cried out as I moved forward, like chains holding my feet down.
I gritted my teeth, not stopping, not letting their words anchor me to the past, to hold me down and suffocate me under guilt and darkness and self-hate.
“Beau,” the voices chanted. Over and over. A ringing filling my head.
Each step, the chains grew lighter, the pain in my chest lessened and I straightened, lifting my head high.
“Disgrace.”
“Demons destroy.”
“Beau!”
“Disgrace.”
“Demons destroy.”
“Beau!”
“Disgrace.”
“Demons destroy.”
“Beau!”
I roared, moving in a steady glide of strength and power.
Lighter, faster, clearer.
The less I acknowledged them, the more they faded, their voices became distant.
I uncurled my fists, relaxing my body.
I let them go.
I let them all go, and I let myself let go.
When I glanced around me, I only saw the people in my life that supported me.
Valentina, young and unharmed, my mother, my brother, and Lex.
Soon, they vanished, leaving me alone in the temple, the only sound my deep breathing.
But not lonely.
Alone, but not angry.
Alone, but not sad.
I was alone and peaceful.
Proud.
At last.
I fell to my knees, kneeling in front of my future, no longer a sinner.
I wasn’t forgetting Valentina and our unborn son.
But I was freeing them and myself from the guilt I carried.
Each day, my soul grew stronger, lighter, and soon, each chant was a melody to my body.
Clarity strummed through my bones and I thought of everything that had happened in my life.
I thought of Danny’s shady business and how I needed to clean the ugliness out of the Pit.
One morning, I left.